Jake and storm have both said this board is a safe zone and will be a place for me to learn how to live outside the the church. I can't go back but my family's entire life is tied tightly to the mormon culture. I'm not like Jake. He's educated, self confident and comfortable in his skin. I'm none of those. Everything I am is or have been comes from the church and the activities. So I really don't who I am or where to find myself. I never thought about it as it was done for me . My role was established when I was born. My shrink is so good but he can only do so much. And to tell the truth I'm scared. I suppose that's normal.

And then there's storm. She's unlike the women I know. They never admit any problems, everything is always perfect. That can't be and the big reason I can't do this any more. I'm not perfect and chasing it did me in. storm is confident but told me wasn't always that way. She seems to do the right thing and makes it look easy. Storm should never speak to me again because of what ai did and said. But she does. I don't know, it's all do confusing.

Jake's sister

Most of us here have been exactly where you are and we understand. It is a tough transition, but so worth it once you are living an authentic life.

welcome and it does take time to fine a new path. Read all you can and talk to women out side of the LDS org.

realize is that stormy is a good person. She's not superficial. She'll be completely honest with you.

As far as bettering yourself, it'll be a long series of "baby steps." You're more than welcome to ask for advice here and it'll be given to you unconditionally.

"Be well. Strive to be happy." (Desiderata)

I looked in the mirror - said 'hello ME'

What I saw was a fully rounded mature and graceful woman, who had achieved so very much despite the church and its dreadful restrictions on women.

I saw that I am just as good and worthy as the next person in this new real and fascinating exciting world that I was to discover. I saw that I have a right to feel, see and think whatever I like, with whoever I like and for whoever I like but initially for myself.

Since then I have marvelled at how lovely 'real' people are. There are some folks out there who will do harm but in the minority and nowhere near as many as in the church for sure.

Enjoy the wonderful new discoveries and find your own comfort zone or not - you are in charge of your life and that's the way it should be.

Hugs to you and well done, from a fellow traveller in England.

Briggy

You have just begun your journey and feeling fear is normal and natural. Bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's doing what you need to do - for yourself in this case - in spite of your fear. I see you as being brave. Take small steps and be easy on yourself if you don't move as fast as you or someone else thinks you should. Perfection is the trap of Mormonism and you are on your way out (or out and I just don't know it). You don't need to be perfect anymore.

As allwhowander said, we have all been where you are and we understand.

My very best to you.

Welcome to the board!

It's going to take a while to untangle everything, but once things have calmed down, you're going to love being able to truly live life for yourself and your family, and stop trying to attain 'perfection'

And for all those people that seem like they never have any problems, well, they're like my TBM parents. My mom has had an ulcer for as long as I can remember, and I recently found out dad has been on a bunch of anti-depressants for years. Look how happy 'the gospel' has made them!

I left the church in 1987 for much of the same reason you did. It wasn't making me happy -- it made me miserable and made me feel lousy about myself. Since then, I have discovered the world, discovered myself, gone to college (once the children were in school) and learned to enjoy the true pleasures of life.

Just this morning, I was laying in bed, sipping a cup of coffee and said to my husband (as I often do), the mormons never understood pleasure and it's proper role in life. I pity them for that.

So, seek pleasure. Discover the real, good, person that you already are.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/09/2011 12:03PM by Devoted Exmo.

You are obviously as intelligent and as truth-telling as your brother, as evidenced by your letting the reality of mormon life in, even though that process hit you like a ton of bricks.

That takes guts, even if you don't recognize it yet, and I truly admire it!

"path" in the Exit Process from Mormonism was about two core things:
1. giving myself permission to think and act differently and evolve and

2. taking my power back and owning it.


It's a process and not a contest. It's baby steps.
It's trying on new and different ideas and not allowing anyone to sabotage me by keeping my self respect and self confidence cooking on high even when I didn't really feel it.

You have an amazing support system, which is also a great help.

In my case, I was a young adult convert, so I had a couple decades of life before I converted that were still at the core of who I am.

The initial bewilderment days will fade -- they will take you into some new decisions, ideas, notions, thoughts in that big wide world of ideas.

Welcome aboard! :-)

Welcome. Hopefully you can feel safe here.

Reading your post a few things came to mind. When I left the first thing I did was beat myself up for being an idiot and not recognizing the truth earlier. Try to not do this. You were trying to be the best person you knew to be and that's something to be proud of. Yes, it was a lifestyle that exhausted you, but at the time you were doing what you thought was right. So that's something you can take away from the experience. You aren't a blank slate right now. After leaving you aren't nothing. Instead you are someone who stands for what she believes. You are strong and are willing to work yourself to the point of exhaustion for something you believe in. As a nurse, I don't recommend that you make a habit of it, but that is a part of your character that you can be proud of.

From the little I know of you I can see quite a few things for you to be proud of.
1) You are brave enough to say "enough is enough." Not very many people are capable of that. Especially if they grow up in oppressive religions.
2) You are strong enough to stick up for yourself and say, "I won't be part of this way of life anymore." Even with fear pushing at you, you stood your ground. You easily could have gone back to church and acted like nothing was wrong. Many, many people in the church do just that.

There are many more, but I'm making this much longer than I originally intended. I think you'll really begin to impress yourself the more you stay true to you. It's by standing up for you that you develop self-confidence and being comfortable in your own skin. You've taken a giant first step. Congratulations. You are entering a great part of your life. It won't always be easy, but it does become easier. The greatest part of life is the realization that you are finally free. Free to do anything you want to do. If you want to go to another religion, you can. If you want to jump up and down singing show tunes, that's completely okay, too. You no longer have to force your personality and wants into a predetermined box. Perhaps make a list of things you want to try and mark them off one by one.

Sending you a great big hug.

(That means that I like what she said, in case you don't know internet shorthand.)

Welcome to the board!

You'll have a blast learning about yourself and the world around you, even though it looks bleak now. Just be honest, put the past behind you, and one day you'll wake up and realize that it's all okay and you'll discover a person that was hiding under that facade that you really like. It may not seem possible, but it will really happen, even if it takes a long time.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

Hi and welcome. Healing and recovery are a long process. There will be a lot of anger and fear as you face things you've kept hidden for a long time.

Hold onto the thought that No One is going to Punish You for taking care of yourself. Live each day, and don't worry about any "afterlife" If there is one, it will take care of itself.

Being responsible for your own future is scary and exciting at the same time. It will be the most rewarding thing you have ever done, but it isn't easy. One of the hardest things will be to stop accepting male authority figure dictums above your own knowledge.

So, I guess what I'm saying is: take as long as you need, be absolutely honest with yourself, research things you need to know, and above all else, DO NOT trust someone else to decide what you "need" to be doing or what is "best" for you to do. Particularly, do not discount your own intelligence in the face of some artificial "authority figure"

I would strongly suggest taking a long break from religion.

Oh, and have a good time!

This is the Gospel according to Timothy ... Life ain't nuthin' but a party!

Timothy

Glad you made it out in one piece. I've been out for about six months. This board has been a very important piece of my self-therapy recovery process (just know that sometimes people on here have really obnoxious moments, but mostly the board is helpful). I have learned that although there are some universalities in leaving, there are some marked differences depending on your gender and life experiences. You need to know that your's and Jake's indoctrination process was really different. YW/YM DO NOT have the same lessons or structure to their programs. For me, more than anything, reading people's personal experiences in leaving helped. Leaving the LDS church is a very unique experience and outsiders don't fully get it. I'm currently working hard to find real people who have left in my area, and it's helping a lot. This board, and other post-mormon sites, are still an integral part of my recovery process.

FYI... after I made my decision to leave, I forced myself to buy the prettiest underwear I had ever owned and do other things, like shopping on Sundays and drinking fancy lattes at Starbucks. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but doing exposure therapy on myself with these things really dropped my anxiety about the LDS no-nos and became liberating and enjoyable pretty quickly. I've been slowly changing over my wardrobe to reflect my personal taste and body type, which has been fabulous. Summer is so much nicer with naked shoulders and knees.

Welcome to the board and don't measure your progress against everyone else's. All of our time tables are different for recovery. Everyone has their own norm.

You are amazing...here so soon!

How did the new undie hunt go? One of the joys of leaving the church...pretty undies.

People here are kind...they've been through what's happening to you now. All their ideas are good ones..

You are going to have an adventure...remember happiness is not a destination but a way of traveling..when things get tough and they will, just call out better yet bring the kids on the next plane and visit us. You're always welcome...

We all love you.

stormy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/09/2011 12:52PM by stormy.

You're not alone in going through a breakdown. My sisters and I have all spent plenty of time in the loony bin from issues with TSCC and our collective abusive childhoods.

I'm sure the shrinks already told you this, but a psychological break occurs when the mind simply cannot handle anymore stress.

It gets better, I promise.

I've never been a Mormon but I can still relate somewhat. You see, I'll be 48 years old in another week. I've never really thought much about birthdays (other than loving the neat presents my children buy me -- I have great kids) but 48 is so close to 50 that it got me thinking. What on earth did I want to accomplish in my life before I went and had kids at 18? Who am I?

You're basically asking yourself the same thing, even if it is for somewhat different reasons.

My solution for me was to look at who I was before I had children. What did I want to do? What did I like? And now I'm exploring those things to see if I still like them and want to do them. So maybe it's a good time to dust of your childish dreams and see if they still appeal to you and are feasable. Because NOW you have your whole life in front of you to explore yourself and this amazing world! And even better, you get to take your loved ones with you!

Best wishes. Be kind to yourself. And I'm amazed at your strength. It's not easy to admit that your life has been a lie -- you'll make it because you're strong and you're honest.

Jake's sister, I am so delighted to see you here. If I could, I'd give you a huge hug.

You are very brave and strong to be walking away from your religion. On some levels, you will have to figure out who you are and what you want from the ground up. We are here to help and I'm sure Jake and Stormy will offer really great support.

Just know that A) it obviously isn't easy. It's terrifying. And, B) it takes time. Read, explore, talk to people, find exmormon meet-up events, connect with your family and focus on what it is you need to be happy. (And if that means helping your spouse and children to find their own inner happiness, then go on then with your bad self.)

There are no rules. There is no right or wrong way to go about leaving mormonism.

Also consider this: Here is some information about the stages of grief. Many exmormons do not expect to feel angry, or depressed, or whatever it is they feel, so strongly. Reading a little bit about the stage of grief will help you process feelings as they come up. It will help you understand yourself and your own reactions better. Leaving mormonism is a grieving process; it's a lot like a death in the family. Your identity has been wrapped around being mormon for so long, that it's a huge part of you. Leaving the religion does not mean you will be carving yourself up into pieces. But it does take some time to unravel the damage and heal and grieving the losses is part of that process.

Everything will be okay in the end.

Ooops, forgot to post a link to the Kubler Ross Stages of Grief.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kubler-Ross_model

Seeking the help of others who are/have going through this transition will help you (and them). You need to establish YOUR identity. You will grieve. You will feel the loss and anger and all of those things. It is a part of death (of your old self) and rebirth (of the new and "improved" you).

JS - I can so relate to your state of mind. When I was firs learning the truth of tssc I cried for about 6 months. To be honest, I was a mess. Then some other personal crisis hit and I'm amazed I didn't end up at a mental institution. Now nearly 2 years later, I find I am happy, healthy (ok, except that hip replacement I need) and doing well. Life does get better - and I must admit, I love, LOVE my new underwear - so pretty and feminine.

Wine is a good thing also - makes my ADD brain slow down enough to sleep at night. I absolutely love it.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. So glad you are here!

Red

To Jake's sister,
so, SO many of us, especially us women, have been unhappy in the Mormon church, felt like we were living a lie, going through the motions, going insane. Believe me, I know; I was one of them. I was 19 year old adult convert from Catholicism who lived unhappily and unhealthily for years. I had to go on anti-depressants and the entire time I always believed and was told that something was wrong with ME. I finally realized it WASN'T me, and I WASN'T crazy. One of the things that helped me to realize that and begin the road to recovery and taking my life back was this forum, Recovery from Mormonism. I have no other family members or relatives who are Mormon, so my situation hasn't been as tough as many others, but it is never an easy road to travel. You have my deepest empathy, support, and well wishes; I hope you continue to have the help that you need, and I hope you feel welcome and safe here. If you have any questions or need to vent about feelings, situations, etc. you have come to the right place!
*hugs*

To all of you who offered advice and help, I can hardly believe all the kindness you've shown.

I can't believe I'm doing this, leaving the church. I worry about our children. Actually I'm worried about many things. Still do angry. But it was easier in the hospital. Already the bishop has called to talk with me. I almost couldn't get any words out of my mouth. They just vanished. So much for being brave. He still intimidates me. But I said no thanks.

Please tell me eventually this will be easier. Not now but some time.

Jakes sister p Po

You don't have to feel brave to be brave. You did all you needed to do - say "No Thanks."

It does get easier with time. Hang in there and come here for support whenever you need it.

In the mean time, cyber hugs to you.

Remember that Mormons are conditioned to believe that the sun rises and sets upon the bishop, that he is all-knowing, all wise, he gets to breach all social boundaries, he is allowed to make unreasonable demands upon you and whose counsel must be sought and taken in every situation.

Guess what? None of the above is true.

That was a baby step, Jake's sister, and you did just fine.

Jakes sister Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
I almost couldn't get any words out of my mouth. They just vanished. So much for being brave. He still intimidates me. But I said no thanks.

Saying, "no thanks" IS being brave. You go, girl!

Don't worry about your kids. Have dinner with them every evening (or most evenings) and go around the table, making sure that each family member shares something about his or her day. This is one of the best ways to communicate your values, just through ordinary conversation.

Consider sending your kids to vacation bible school through a mainstream Christian church this summer. They'll make friends, learn bible stories, and have a great time. No committment is required or expected.

At Christmas time, take them to a Catholic midnight mass. Nothing better!

This fall, look for a church (possibly Episcopal) that celebrates the feast of St. Francis (October 4th, but will probably be celebrated on Sunday the 2nd,) with a blessing of the animals. Your kids will *love* it -- the one day that Christians get to take their pets to church!

You are very very COURAGEOUS!!!

It' very difficult to leave the world you're used to. You'll find what true freedom is and be glad you did.

Jake's sister, we are so happy to have you here. You are among friends.

I'm going to echo what some others have said -- be kind to yourself, give yourself pep-talks, and realize that it's okay to make mistakes and to change your mind.

Never forget: you are a valuable, worthy person just the way you are. Mormonism is the realm of "doing" (I think of it as the performace-based religion.) You have entered a realm where it is okay just *being*. There may be a few stumbles along the way, but you are headed to a very nice place.

till you fell up to talk to the BP ask your DH to do it

this board can get rough at times, but it has helped me out SO MUCH. It can also get very irreverent when it comes to all things mormon including the leaders (especially the leaders).

When I went inactive, I was doing it for other reasons. I always thought I'd go back. When I had been out for many years, it all just fell apart because I had quit going back for the indoctrination every week (or every other day).

My advice--especially in your frame of mind--is like Timothy said, take a vacation from religion. Take a vacation from thinking about mormonism if you can. Give yourself time to heal and to just not have to worry about it for a while.

Like a lot of people at RfM I've been an avid follower of Jake and Stormy's story. And to be honest, the "character" I most identify with has been YOU!

I too was born and raised in mormonism and based my whole life on mormonism. And like you I came to the point where it wasn't working for me anymore - including a 3 week stay in the hospital and lots of work with a therapist.

I definitely understand where you're coming from. For me, leaving the mormon church was the easier part. (It was definitely difficult turning my back on everything I'd been raised with.) But the hardest part for me was after I got mormonism out of my life - and realized what a huge empty void it left behind!

I'd never felt so lost and empty in my life, even though I knew I'd done the right thing getting away from mormonism.

You're now free to become whatever person you'd like to be. But don't let it intimidate you. Try new things and see what works for you and what doesn't. Have you tried drinking coffee? You might like it and you might not. Same with alcohol. Try reading books or going to movies you would have avoided in the past. Try wearing different clothes, and focus on how they make YOU feel; not on what other people will think, not on what the church dictates you should wear.

For the most part, there are no right or wrong answers anymore. You're not going to go to hell if you drink coffee. You'll be just fine if you go to an R-rated movie. If you enjoy something, pursue it further. If you're uncomfortable, back off.

The point is to try all sorts of things, and see what feels comfortable and what doesn't. Pretty soon you'll be filling up that huge void that mormonism used to occupy. But the thing is, you'll be filling it up with things that actually mean something to you. And I guarantee you're going to be amazed at how wonderful your life is going to be! Just be patient with yourself.

Have you ever noticed the mormon church always takes credit for the good things and always blames the bad stuff on other parties?

Once the fog clears from your eyes you will discover that the church has not made you everything you are. You are everything you are, and the church has been claiming credit for it.

So Dumbo, you lost your magic feather. ... And now you know the secret. The magic is already in you, and it was you that was flying all along.

Welcome!!!

What is important to remember is that all of us have had different experiences, both BIC and Convert. And we have each dealt with our experiences differently. Along that same line, each of us is a different person, personality, strengths, weaknesses, attitude, etc...

We can't all be strong, independant, and unafraid. And even those who are, had to work towards that. It doesn't take an educated person to leave the church and find their way in life. It doesn't take a strong willed woman to leave either. It takes exactly what you have... The strength and heart to take the exact steps you have and from here on out, just keep taking steps you can and take control of your life at your pace.

Enjoy life. Enjoy a cup of coffee. Enjoy the beach on Sunday. Enjoy knowing you are in control of your life.