My grandmother died on May 20th this year. I was particularly close to her, because after my parents divorced (I was 10 years old at the time), grandma moved in with me and mom. Grandma basically stayed at home and raised me so mom could continue to work and support us all.

Understandably, it's been tough dealing with grandma's death.

But the other day, mom told me something about grandma that she had never told another living soul. I won't get into details. Suffice to say, it shows me how sick and dysfunctional my family really is. I never thought grandma was perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But the new revelation? It was fairly stunning.

Any advice how to deal with this?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/09/2011 12:53PM by helamonster.

How do deal with it?
This is how I would deal with it.
Accept it as second hand info, and put it in the bank of another human beings's choices. Realize I don't have the whole story.
Much of the choices of other people, especially since they are deceased, is in the "so what" file with me.
Ya, well, people do what people do.

That's how I deal with stuff that is surprising, shocking, disturbing, etc.

Whatever it is, it's in the past and in my case, I'm not going to rehash the past over and over and over and give it power to mess up my present.
That's my thinking on the matter.

Funny you should mention that today. This past weekend I attended a funeral for the mother of a good friend (fried in ex mo). Her mother was a cranky, vindictive, opinionated, bitchy woman. But, as it should have been, this was translated into the following during the eulogy:

"She was an independent woman."

"She was wise beyond her years and would share her opinions with you at the drop of a hat."

"She stood her ground in all her dealings."

"She was kind... if you deserved it."

In other words, if they're dead, morph the adjectives into something that sounds positive.

Just sayin'...

Ron

I think we act overly-respectful at other people's funerals because we ourselves don't want to be perceived negatively after we die. I always consider that fair enough, since ripping on someone after they're dead isn't gonna do any good anyway.

I can sort of relate... My grandmother died in 2007. She was close to 101 years of age and everybody put her on a pedestal. She was a very strong woman who was well-loved by her family and the community, but she also had a mean streak, which I encountered more than a few times.

I guess the only wisdom I can pass along is some I gleaned from a college professor who was once married to an alcoholic. Her advice hit home for me, because my dad is an alcoholic who often put me through tough times. Try to separate the person from the action.

Look at the person as a whole, not at the bad things he or she might have done. Sometimes, you might not end up thinking any better of the person, but separating the person from their actions can be helpful in maintaining perspective.

I know my dad and his mother (my grandmother) were basically good people who sometimes said and did bad things. That helps me maintain more of a forgiving spirit.

The important thing here, since your grandmother is dead, is who she was to you. Those are your memories -- that is your heritage. Who she was to other people, even if it is something dreadful, doesn't need to impact your feelings for her. (Now if you were writing her autobiography it might be an issue.)

I'd rather have the truth than labor under a false assumption no matter difficult that truth is. I found out something about my father this year that I'll need to keep secret until after he dies. It's not a bad thing like with your grandmother, but his life makes a lot more sense to me knowing it. Maybe you'll be able to understand her better as well.

But I would want to know. Sorry to seem insensitive.

Not offended.

And actually, what I was told feels true. It would explain a lot of the interactions that my family has had.

It just isn't something I would particularly want to acknowledge, especially since I've extracted myself from the enmeshment of the dysfunction.

I've started wondering WHY my mother felt the need to even tell me about this. What purpose did this serve other than unburdening mom?

She may be having trouble dealing with it herself.

helamonster Wrote:
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> I've started wondering WHY my mother felt the need
> to even tell me about this. What purpose did this
> serve other than unburdening mom?


Ask her. Find out what she was thinking.

helamonster Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I've started wondering WHY my mother felt the need
> to even tell me about this. What purpose did this
> serve other than unburdening mom?

Wow... it sounds like maybe you've just been hit with some uncomfortable truths about two family members. That's rough. Sometimes people are just plain selfish... and sometimes loss makes people say and do weird things.

Right after my grandmother's funeral, my older sister felt the need to tell me that she always suspected I wasn't my father's biological child and that was why he's always treated me like poo. Of course, when I challenged her on her scandalous statement about our mother, she immediately started to backpedal. But ever since then, I'm left wondering if there's any truth to what she said.

I have to agree with what Rebeckah said, though. Other peoples' thoughts and perceptions about your grandmother don't necessarily have to color your memories of her. And I also agree with Makurosu.

So your mother has held this terrible secret inside of her for years, and only now that your grandmother is dead, finally felt safe enough to share it. To you, however, it feels like your mother just dumped her burden onto you.

Can you confide in Mrs. Hela, and/or another family member who would keep information private, but who would give you a chance to share how you feel about it?

As with any shock, it is going to take time to recover, as well as to figure out how you feel about your grandmother now that you have this new information. Take it a day at a time for while.

After some time has passed, perhaps you could have a conversation with your mother about it, in order (as Makurosu suggests) to understand both your grandmother and your mother better.

Best wishes, Hela. Keep us posted.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/09/2011 01:30PM by WiserWomanNow.

I think that it's only fair to remember that this information is coming from your mother's point of view and her perception of what happened or whatever is was. Your Grandmother isn't here to give her side of the story. Perhaps your mother was a bit jealous that you held your grandmother in such high esteem and wanted to knock her down a peg or two so she revealed this secret on the pretense that you hear the "real" story.

I always think it's interesting when someone decides to "reveal a secret" of someone, only after that person isn't here to give their side or defend themselves. Remember there are three sides to a story. Each persons and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

You're not getting the entire story. Just one person's POV.

In my opinion, every family has at least one skeleton in the closet. My feeling is, people do the best they can with what they've got at the time. If they knew better, they would do it differently.

I have chosen to love and forgive people despite some serious personality and character flaws (as I hope that I am likewise loved and forgiven.) I find it more satisfying and peaceful to live my life in this way. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you personally tolerate bad behavior. But it does mean that you have a more rounded view of those close to you, and that you let go of grudges that have run their course and only serve to drag you down. It's like you suddenly realize that you have been carrying around several very heavy pieces of luggage. You put all of the luggage down at your side, and walk away, free.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 06/09/2011 05:12PM by summer.

I knew about some fairly despicable things with respect to my grandfather... before he died.

Didn't really change my opinion of him, despite the fact that some of the despicable actions directly affected me for years. (Wasn't sexual abuse, nor anything unforgiveable.)

I managed to have the opportunity to talk it through with him many years later and sort of made my peace with the choices he made at the time. He couldn't have known the long-ranging effects of his actions.

In your case, because I don't know the nature of this despicable thing, I can't say what I would do. Depending on what it is, the first thing I'd do is try to figure out how that action affects you. What detriment is there to you now that you know this new fact?

If there really isn't any effect on you, then I vote for drop it and forget about it. If there is, then I would be looking for a way to mitigate or repair whatever damage has been done to me... and then drop it and forget about it. The person has already passed, so you can't talk to her about it or really do much with that information. And you may not have all the facts, so you might want to leave your jury out for a while. If it even matters.

Doesn't affect me directly.

It was a rather egregious violation of personal boundaries of a teenage daughter (my mom).

Just disturbing is all.

Helamonster:

I am interested in knowling why your mother decided to tell you something damaging about your grandmother that she obviously knew would be distressing to you and which did not affect or involve you.

I have had two grandpas recently pass and I have been told by both of my parents some dirty little things about each of them. For my parents, it was their way of muddling through their grief and I was there to listen to them. I was shocked at first, but then realized that if these things were true, it still did not affect my relationship I had with each of my grandads. They are still just "grandpa" to me.

to build on?

I don't (won't) do funerals. Not interested in the gossip or make believe. If I love someone, I want to remember them as they exist to me. I don't need to know stuff that makes no difference to me in my present.

A dear friend passed away. He was an atheist but played the TBM game for the sake of his wife and family. (I was acquainted with the family) He was my friend and we had shared many conversations about the stupidity and lameness of tscc.

His grandson, a RM (who was gay) committed suicide at age 27. My friende knew that it was suicide and it broke his heart but went with the story the family put out.

When my friend died, I chose to not attend his funeral. The lies and stories the Mor(m)ons tell to pedistalize the deseased make me want to throw up. A couple of days after my friends funeral, my friends wife called and chewed me out for not appearing at the funeral. I graciously let her have her say and then hung up. I am still glad I didn't attend but I do miss my friend.

I will do every thing I can to ensure that there will be no funeral or ceremony for me. People can find closure in there own way. I don't need their fine words or silly notions. If I can arrange it, I won't even have an obituary. Life can just keep going on for those I know and that are still in the physical.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/09/2011 02:54PM by dane.

So your mother has never felt it safe to tell anyone about this. By telling you, she believes she has a chance to be heard at long last. --In short, this is about HER unresolved issue with her mother.

Be aware that if her mother violated boundaries, there were probably other incidents of boundary violation as well, not only the one she told you about.

Ideally, DM would have sought counseling in order to address and resolve the issue. She didn't. Nevertheless, how would you feel about gently and sympathetically suggesting counseling for her now?

“Wow, Mom… you have been carrying that pain inside you for years. Have you ever thought about seeing a counselor to help you release it, and find peace?”

It really does depend on the level of despiciblenees and can you live with it ?? For example if she stole $100,000 from a relative would pale into insignificance it she had performed abortions or had tortured someone.or killed someone.

The leve of the crime is according to your moral levels. The fact that your grandmother committed it may cause it to look bigger.

JB

As you said, no one is perfect and no one is the same for everyone else they have a relationship with. Your experience of your grandmother was not different because of this thing. It may even explain something about her in relation to your experience of her.

Give yourself some time and try not to allow whatever this thing is sour your fond memories of her. She is who she was. You had an experience of her based on who you were when you knew her and vice versa. The same is true for others who had relationships with her.

Some serious, some just embarrassing. Some of the embarrassing stuff has become a family joke. For the most part, if there is nothing that can be done about it (like making restitution to someone harmed) I just let it die with the person.

In all seriousness, I doubt any of us don't have a hidden bone or two in some closet that could come out after death.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/09/2011 03:24PM by MJ.

Many secrets come out after death. This is not a mormong thing, perse.

I was a "hormonal convert".

was much younger than she was around you. She may have grown up quite a bit since the time of the offense. And who knows, may have regretted it deeply.

Hers was the generation in which parents did not, under any circumstances, admit to making any kind of mistakes.

You only disclose information about someone if it is to help protect another child/person.I don't believe 'Good people do bad things". If you are raped and become pregnant, then an abortion is justified. If you are a slut and use it as birth control, then you are going to hell. My sociopathic, adulterous con artist husband comes across as "A good guy" to anyone he can use someone for. He is evil to the core. Bad people do bad things. Satan can smile at you while stabbing you in the back...

But also, simplistic, unrealistic, untrue and ultimately disappointing.

And BTW, there is NO Satan...

npangel Wrote:
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> I don't believe 'Good people do bad things".

I think that good people can most certainly be coerced or socialized to do bad things.

My mom's family were ethnic Poles, and as such, had a deep understanding of Hitler's evilness. Yet my mother always said, don't kid yourself that Hitler's followers were inherently evil people. They were ordinary people who were swept up by the times. She said that as a cautionary tale -- to be aware that it could happen to anyone. One must constantly be on guard.