Hey everyone, just wanted to update you on my situation. It's been 6 weeks since I told my wife I didn't believe in God anymore. It has been pretty rough. The first day she was in shock. Second and third days, she was mad and sad. Then we went about a week where things were great. Two weeks pass and she has a breakdown and says she is going to divorce me and I betrayed her etc.

Sunday morning we figure out custody for our son, figure out money, housing, cars, holidays, etc. This is all very civil because we're still in love of course. I'm sobbing all morning, she's angry and crying and angry again. Then she tells me that she can't live without me and she wants to stay together.

That was probably the worst of it so far. Most days have been great since then. I think she's learning to deal with it but every now and then she brings up that it seems like I'm not putting forth any effort to get my testimony back. I don't know exactly how to tell her that I don't think I'll change my mind about my beliefs. In my view, I finally figured out the truth but I know that's not what she wants to hear so I haven't told her that. I just skirt around it, giving her clues.

I have been nothing but supportive and nice and accommodating through all of this because I understand what she's going through. I don't want to press anything or tell her to stop trying to change me, it's not going to happen. I'm hoping she will realize that 98% of our lives together is unchanged. (We were never super religious to begin with). Like I said 6 weeks ago, I am continuing to go to church. I enjoy talking with people and I want to support my wife in her beliefs. I don't pray or pay tithing or anything though, I'm not going to fake anything. But I don't have to disclose my beliefs to anyone either. On that same note, I'm not interested in coffee, alcohol, etc either. Still wearing my garments though because I don't want to trigger anything in my wife.

So anyway, that's the way things are right now. I'm going to tell my family in the next couple weeks. That should be just fine though. Most of them are inactive and one is an atheist already.

I'm going to avoid the word atheist because of the baggage and call myself a humanist whenever someone is pressing for a label from me. My lack of religion doesn't define me, I just want to live in peace.

So it's been pretty tough. Not sure what to do so I'm just coasting and trying to show my wife that it's still me and I don't have a devil inside of me. Hoping the dust can settle on the explosion a bit.

To whoever read all this, thanks. It's nice to communicate my feelings about this.

Edit: I also want to thank everyone who posted on my last post 6 weeks ago. I have read all of your responses carefully.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/06/2018 09:23PM by nuuvox.

Sounds like she’s going to some of the stages of grief. Some people don’t go through all five, but a few. ( denial,anger,bargaining,depression, acceptance)
I wish the best . It might be easier if you guys weren’t that religious and have inactive family members.Its nice that you’re still wearing the garments got her and observing the WOW still. That’s hard. I’d go with agnostic over atheist.
It shows that you believe in a greater power or know something is out there, but don’t know what. That might be easier for them to take , and keep the atheist part to yourself.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. The foundation for her world view has been shaken.

So she pulled the divorce card. Rough times. All over stupid religion. I'm so sorry.

I hope over time you both can continue to adapt. You sound like you are doing a lot to accommodate her beliefs (garments and all). Maybe after enough time she will come to realize you are not going to turn into a horrible person or anything.

Many couples can work it out and agree to disagree. You both can set "must have" criteria and hopefully it will be fair. Time will tell.

Thanks for letting us know your update. I hope she will hit the books on her own someday.

Both Hockyrat and Dagny have expressed powerful thoughts that I agree with. I suggest that you approach your wife with couples’ counseling with the notion that the two of you want to learn how to build a supportive marriage that respects and honors each other.

In studies of successful long-term marriages, researchers have noted that all couples have irreconcilable differences. That’s right—all couples. Long-term marriages last because couples accept those differences as opportunities for building stronger, although initially difficult, relationships.

Very best wishes for you, your wife, abd your family! The Boner.

BYU Boner Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> In studies of successful long-term marriages,
> researchers have noted that all couples have
> irreconcilable differences. That’s right—all
> couples. Long-term marriages last because couples
> accept those differences as opportunities for
> building stronger, although initially difficult,
> relationships.
>

I’ve always figured that when two people go together like peanut butter and jelly, it’s because one of them turned to jelly.

Difference is a good thing.

Ahh nuuvox, you are being such a wonderful partner. You CANNOT modify your heartfelt beliefs. None of us can. But your love for your wife is so clear. I hope she sees it.

I'm nevermo, but I like Boner's suggestion to get a therapist. It sounds like you're doing what you can to ease the transition, but from what I've read here, the pressure will really be on her if you stop attending and she has to admit to others that you've fallen off the morg wagon.

I would give her time. Lots and lots of time. She is making a big mental adjustment to the new you, and that generally doesn't happen overnight. If she pressures you about your testimony, I would just tell her that it's likely not ever going to come back, but she should just take things day by day. If she's still unhappy six months, or a year, or two years from now, then maybe you can both look at divorce. Hopefully by then she will realize that in fact, very little in her life has changed.

"I'm going to avoid the word atheist because of the baggage and call myself a humanist whenever someone is pressing for a label from me."

Some unsolicited advice...

Coming from a 50-something dude...

I don't understand the "need" for people to have labels. Don't let people "press" you for a label and don't label yourself. You don't have to be a "anything" if you don't want to.

Nowadays, labels are used to create a pseudo-protected class. Just be you, whatever form that takes. Good luck with the wife or the divorce. Hopefully, you can work things out, but if she can't accept you as you are. I would say the new you, but I think this part of you has been around for awhile, he just came out for others to see.

Either way..good luck

I'm glad she reconsidered divorce. It clearly tells that you are more important. Besides, why bother with a divorce when someone can do a proxy seal on your behalf and seal the two of you together? My jack Mormon friend taught me about proxy sealings and baptisms.

Why get married in the first place? Seems like such a waste of time.

There are numerous (I've read hundreds) of legal protections for couples that are married. These protections can often be duplicated through other channels, but the simplest way to get all of the protections in one convenient package is to marry. That is why gay couples fought long and hard for the right to marry.

Before gay couples could marry, it was not unusual for family members of a gay child to shut that child's partner out of medical decision making if their child was incapacitated. They also with some frequency stripped the surviving gay partner of jointly held assets. You likely do not remember this time, but I remember it vividly.

If a spouse dies, the surviving spouse along with their children have certain rights to insurance, pensions, Social Security survivor's benefits, and so on. Surviving spouses are often guaranteed under state law a given portion of their deceased spouse's estate.

Ask her to have a series of discussions with you where she can present evidence to re-convert you; as long as you can present evidence that you find persuasive.

If she (or you) cannot listen to an opposing viewpoint without getting angry or fitful, then this is not a good idea. But if you both want a chance to discuss your religious ideas with each other like adults, and can agree to listen, understand, and be respectful, it is a good way to exchange information civilly.

If you cannot exchange that kind of information civilly, you likely need to go to counseling or couples therapy to learn to do that because there are probably lots of other sensitive areas where the skills to listen to an different view point without being threatened is needed.

Good luck to you!

To me, you are doing the "right" thing. It is hard to decide what is the right thing to do when you are in the middle of chaos.

I came out to my TBM wife and she stayed with me...probably because she did the math and realized that opportunities for a 40-something uneducated, unhealthy woman are slim.

What am I saying here? "Don't underestimate the fear of abandonment?!"

Life is long and very complicated. I'm 50 - something now and looking back the one thing I have learned is to follow your heart. It is pretty much impossible to find the truth in your world and then ignore it, going on pretending that the truth is not real.

Your kids, believe it or not, are going to grow up and become adults. They will all look back at this time and wonder what happened. They will figure out what really went down and hopefully awake from the cult and dare to live their own lives.

I've been where you are now. Everyone's journey is different. Be kind to yourself. You are living your life being true to yourself and that is paramount.

Would like to vouch for "it takes time, lots and lots."

When my husband started questioning, I was young, a new mom who was in knee-deep into the first time mom stuff with nursing and night-time feedings, and, being a person who needs a lot of sleep and not getting it, I could not pay much attention to his journey because I was just too exhausted.

By the time my faith questioning started, my hubby was way ahead of me. He was very patient as I slowly made my way...and did it my way!

Hang in there with her, give her space, time and lots and lots of love and attention like you are doing. Good luck.

Perhaps you can focus on all things that demonstrate the difference between your respect and support for her as a person, and the cults beliefs about a woman's role.

Encourage her to grow beyond the cults restrictions (almost all women self-limit because of fear reprisals) and perhaps to begin full filling a dream or developing a talent that was stifled.

Help her turn her anger and feeling of betrayal to where it actually belongs.

Thanks for sharing. My own story is about 8 weeks behind yours. I imagine that it will be similar.