Sometimes I'm able to steal a moment to check my mail and lurk around on various RfM threads. Whew!

Anyway, things are going smoother than I expected with my mother. She's been VERY helpful with my moving preparations, for which I'm very grateful. However, I can tell my decision to leave the church is very difficult for her. She'll sometimes start crying and accuse me of thinking poorly of her, but I do my best to patiently listen and assure her that I still love and respect her even though my beliefs happen to be different from hers.

She's especially insecure about whether I look down on her for being a woman within the church. I don't look down on anyone, of course, since I recognize some women might be genuinely happy within the church's system. *I* wasn't happy, though, which further pushed me away from Mormonism. I try to emphasize that it's a personal choice, and not an issue of me issuing judgment on her as a Mormon. Hopefully she'll believe me someday.

I pointed out that it's not so unusual for parents and their children to adopt different beliefs and ideas, and she admitted that her liberal parents were pretty mortified when their daughter turned conservative. That seemed to help a little bit, but she still sometimes gets upset and starts crying.

We also got into a couple of discussions about the WOW, but there wasn't much I could say that she'd listen to. She kept saying how she knew for a fact that someday we'd learn why coffee and tea are so bad for us, and I just let it slide off my back. I didn't feel like it was important to argue about that while we were walking out in public, so I just stayed silent until she brought up a more neutral topic.

I also decided to attend church with her since I didn't feel right sending her alone. Normally I would have taken the sacrament to stay under the radar, but she made it clear beforehand that she didn't believe I should take it (in a more indirect way, though, not a flat-out order or anything). Some TBM friends of mine saw I didn't take it, but didn't ask me about it afterward. I get the feeling it didn't bother me half as much as it bothered my mom, but she'll just have to get used to things.

She has said several times that she expects to find her place in all these new changes, though, and that she'll accept that I'm no longer a Mormon after enough time has passed. That's a good sign.

However, she reminded me that my TBM father likely won't want to have much to do with me when I return home ("home" as in our hometown, not their house). She suggested that I find ways to engage him, but I'm not really sure what I ought to do. I know some people might be like, "Whatever, forget him if he's being such a butt," but he IS my father. I'd rather not just give up without making an honest effort. At the very least, I could have the peace of knowing that I tried to reach out to him.

We were in the middle of an e-mail correspondence about my reasons for leaving when he stopped responding. He said it was because he needed time to think of good responses to my issues. I suppose maybe it wouldn't hurt to give him a call just to say I love him. Not sure if I should wait until Father's Day, or try to do it earlier in the week as well.

My dad is the hardest worker I know, but isn't the warmest person as a result of staying cooped up with his work all day, every day. He always praised me for being obedient, though I suspect I'll be hearing a lot more criticism from him for the rest of my adult life. It makes me sad sometimes, but I realize I need to accept that I won't ever have a normal family life. They're just too entrenched in the idea that "whatever the prophet says = hard fact, but intellectualism and science pave the road to hell" to try to understand or acknowledge my reasons for leaving.

Instead, it's all about how I'm just "looking" for things to dislike about the church, which is far from the truth. I WANTED to stay, but it was killing me inside! It's not my fault the church has such a messed up track record with social issues and whitewashing history (while expecting full conformity from everyone, no less).

Anyway, I'm hoping I'll find my way while figuring out how to deal with them in a kind, but firm manner. They've already told me they'll be treating me different now that I'm an exmo (cutting me off from financial help and not supporting my new choices), but maybe if they see how loving and happy I am without the church they'll eventually soften up.

I'm babbling at this point, lol. But does anyone have any success stories in dealing with their ultra-TBM parents?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/13/2011 09:49AM by faboo.

This is such an interesting post for me. I am just now getting out but I am afraid of telling my TBM parents. I am so grateful to them for not being totally controlling when I was growing up in the church. As a teenager we wore the tank dresses to church my brothers grew their hair long and we all got looked down upon. I always felt they were into diversity and choice. Then prop 8 came along we live in CA and I saw a darkness come over my parents. They became more and more conservative my father is now a sealer in the temple. No matter what I talk to her about on the phone it always ends up with some kind of anti gay comment. "mom we took the kids to the park and we had fun" "OH OH last time I was in the park I had to see those gay people around" Nice. EVERYTIME no matter the subject. I couldn't handle how much more negative she was becoming the more churchy she got. I want so badly to let everyone know I am out of the church so I can truly be myself but i also love my parents and I fear what you said. I know that since they are TBMs they will stress and cry and worry about me until they die. Is it so bad for me to have to pretend during a phone call every couple of months or a visit every two years? One of my kids is due to be baptized this year and I am hoping they won't remember. Even though I have issues with them I feel bad about making them so sad. It is funny though because with how little they care about seeing my evil liberal family here on earth you would think having us with them for all eternity would be a nightmare. Anyway my question is seeing how much your TBM parents hurt do you still think it was worth telling them. I go back and forth.

Since you have children, I imagine it'll likely come up due to expected baptisms and things of that nature (TBM grandparents probably get excited about that kind of thing, right?). It might be kind of awkward having to tell them you quit going several years ago. In that sense, coming clean might be good. But that's obviously your call, since you know your parents best.

As for me, I don't regret that they know. I admit the truth didn't come how (and when) I'd hoped. Due to anxiety attacks I realized I needed to take about a month-long break from the church. My parents asked me every week about church, though, and I was always upfront about when I missed a meeting. They suddenly got to the point where they demanded I stop missing, and I told them I couldn't promise to go every single week for my own mental health. That was when they freaked out, pulled their financial help, and began grilling me about where I stood with the church. I never wanted them to accuse me of being dishonest, so I tried to answer everything to the best of my ability.

Things are rough, and I'm not sure what will happen between me and my parents. But I feel a lot more free not having to hide my disaffection from them anymore. I do wish I could have done it in a more delicate way. Still, I honestly did the best I could at the time.

Of course, my situation is also a little different from yours since I don't have any children, and before now my parents exerted a lot of control over my life. There's less control over me now that I'm open about my disbelief, so that's another positive factor tied into them finding out about my disaffection.

Good luck with your family, though. It must be disheartening to see such a change in your parents while wondering whether to explain your position to them. I wish you the best.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/14/2011 06:49AM by faboo.

your parents extremely well. You are patient and respectful, giving them time to adjust. This method, in my view, will help you keep your important relationships.

It has been very important that I keep my relationships with my friends and relatives, especially my believing husband of nearly 48 years. Our parents are no longer living, so they are not an issue.

There are some basic principles that I have used that are very effective.
1. Don't take anything personally.
2. Respect the right others have to their beliefs.
2. Be kind.
There are others, but these are three of the main ones.

I found your post to show how all three of those are done very well!!

That's a good list of principles to maintain while trying to keep important relationships. I'd been trying to do that up until now, but it helps to see them written out like that. I feel like I have a better grasp of how to approach my dad now.

Thank you!

He may be your father but it takes a pretty grim parent to disown their child.
That's quite extreme, even for Mormons.

You need to back away from such manipulations for they make true relationships impossible.

Find new friends and supportive relations that do not demand you stay in a cult as a condition of acceptance.

He temporarily disowned my brother several years ago, but eventually came around (although their relationship is still strained to this day). While it doesn't excuse that sort of behavior, we do try to keep in mind that he had a very troubled childhood and left home when he was in his early teens. In that sense, I don't think he really knows how to be a father outside of what the church teaches about fatherhood. I do believe he does the best that he can, though. But I also recognize his behavior isn't my responsibility, and I don't have to put up with an abusive situation if it comes down to that. He may soften up since I'm his youngest girl (and I'm probably the child he has the closest relationship with), but we'll see.

Either way, I do intend to expand my social network. I feel like it's easier to do that without Mormonism draining me of all my extra energy. My exmo brother has also been a tremendous support during all this, for which I'm grateful. I'm sure I'd be a wreck without his help.

patiently listen and assure her that I still love and respect her even though my beliefs happen to be different from hers.

I try to emphasize that it's a personal choice, and not an issue of me issuing judgment on her as a Mormon. Hopefully she'll believe me someday.

and I just let it slide off my back. I didn't feel like it was important to argue about that while we were walking out in public, so I just stayed silent until she brought up a more neutral topic.

I feel like reading people's experiences on RfM helped me gain a better understanding of how to approach my parents' insecurities. Hopefully I can keep making progress.

Well I was wondering what happened to you!

Glad you came to share.

Ahhhhh chiquita banana. This is that murky waters of life.

I haven't told my parents yet.

I have two sets real and adopted if you will.

That should make it really fun.

I am glad you are sticking to it.

After all man is that they might have joy, so go find your bliss!

Don't disappear.

You're sweet to ask after me, AIC. Thank you!

Telling the folks can be really tough! Good luck for if/when you decide to share that with them.

I agree, in the end we have to go after what gives us the most peace in life.

Hopefully I won't be going anywhere anytime soon. :)

You are handling this so well and are acting wise and mature beyond your years.