My son just got engaged. He has lived on his own for a few years, and this is his first marriage. It is her second marriage, and she has a child.

She hasn't been very friendly to me, and I've never met her family. Her family is Mormon, but it will not be a temple marriage.

What am I required to do, as mother of the groom? I have more money than the bride's family, a bigger house, entertain a lot for work people, etc, so I might be expected to do more. This is all new to me.

Am I responsible for any of the wedding expenses? A rehearsal dinner?

Would it be polite to I give them an engagement party? Should I invite her family over for a barbecue, so we can meet them? I know from my son's fiance, that her family is dysfunctional, and she, herself has a huge chip on her shoulder. I usually avoid Mormons, for many reasons, but I have a sense of obligation.

Should I and/or my other kids give them a shower? Both of their apartments are well-equipped, so they don't need anything, and I dislike money showers. My son's friends are giving him a huge bachelor party, with his fraternity brothers, at Lake Powell.

I've heard of parents offering the couple money instead of a reception, a wedding dress, food, flowers, etc. Some students do take the money, and consider themselves "practical." But--it is usually the bride's parents that do that.

Help! What should I do? I need to start budgeting for this now. (I don't have that much cash at the moment.)

We live in Salt Lake.

Thank you!

He has been living on his own for a while and this is her second marriage--this is 2010: they pay for it themselves. You could very graciously offer to help pay for the rehearsal dinner (key word: HELP), but you are under no obligation. They are self supporting adults and this is the 21st century. It would be different if they were fresh out of college and entering their first marriage.

Family members never, ever give showers. Period. Family friends do that, that rule of etiquitte has not changed. The bachelor/bachelorette parties are also entirely up to friends.

Honeymoons are paid for by the couple themselves. If you choose to give them cash to help pay for the honeymoon as a wedding gift, it's a lovely gesture, but not an obligation or in view of the perceived hostility, something to feel guilty or torment yourself over.

The deal is: you are not obligated to do anything since they are old enough to have been on their own, but do talk to them and come to an agreement about what might be a nice 'gift' that would help them cut expenses without causing resentment.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/13/2011 08:06PM by nwmcare.

They also have set ideas about what they want for their wedding. I agree with that, since it is a non-Mormon wedding, and they can do what they please.

Maybe they would look at a party as an "interference."

For me to be able to give them a chunk of money, they would have to wait a few months.

I'd get a good etiquette book, see what it says about second marriages and then talk to them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/13/2011 08:19PM by bona dea.

Ask. Then do what you are able to do. If you are not comfortable with something or not able to do it, say so.

The rules of etiquette in second marriages (at least for one) with a child are very relaxed in this day and age.

Would they like you to pay for a cake, or flowers, or something like that?

SusieQ#1 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Ask. Then do what you are able to do. If you are
> not comfortable with something or not able to do
> it, say so.
>
> The rules of etiquette in second marriages (at
> least for one) with a child are very relaxed in
> this day and age.
>
> Would they like you to pay for a cake, or flowers,
> or something like that?


+100. ASK! Ask the couple what they want and go from there.


Ron

Again, talk to them. One of my daughters married last summer and because she and her intended were combining two apartments, two jobs and one college career, they were pretty determined to 'do it ourselves'.

Which, as mother of the bride, really broke my heart! I so wanted to be involved! But she did come to me with all the religious details (we're Catholic), and we paid for her wedding gown as a gift so I got to tag along to some of dress hunting excursions--and was there to see her face when she found 'the one'!

We also gave them a check for $500 to spend any way they chose--no strings attached. I did host the bridesmaids and their moms for a lunch at my house and that was sooo much fun!

And they had a wonderful wedding. Fit their personalities to a T! Sometimes stepping back and giving space has its rewards! Just don't beat yourself up about it if you have to tell them THEY are the ones who need to let you step back!

If your son has not been married before, you may want to pay for the things the groom's family pays for.Without looking it up, I think that is the rehaeasal dinner and flowers? The bride's family is under no obligation to pay for the wedding since presumably they already paid for the first wedding. However, they may if they want to. If they do, that puts more pressure on you. However, I have never felt that either side of the family should feel obligated to bankrupt themselves.I wouldn't do more than you can afford.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/13/2011 08:30PM by bona dea.

so everyone can meet under laid back conditions; not the stress of the actual wedding/reception. Due to the circumstances of the wedding you are really not under obligations to do or pay for much of anything.

However, the groom's parents traditionally pay for the rehearsal dinner, the brides bouquet and the groomsmen's boutonnieres and perhaps some help with any alcohol that may be served at the reception. At least that's the way I remember it.

Red Butte Gardens has great facilities; especially if you're not paying for it. :)

I would also talk to your son before you get together with the family so you can have some idea of what he wants in the way of a ceremony and whether he is expecting you to help pay.If there are any issues, it would be better to know what they are before someone springs it on you at a family meeting..That could be embarrassing if they are trying to outdo Princess KAte and expect you to help pay for it If he does want help, let him know what you are willing to do and what you can realistically afford, if he doesn't, offer whatever you want. If they won't take help, get them an extra nice gift.

But of course I am much older & wiser now not care what anybody else thinks of me. Just be yourself, don't behave beyond your means, above all having bigger house, lots of money doesn't mean jack!!!!

If she can't even be friendly towards you I wouldn't be volunteering to help pay for the wedding at all. If she's a funny beggar now, what will she be like after they are married?