Date: November 11, 2018 02:59PM
It was a dark and stormy night, but you wouldn't have known it based on the attendance at the evening priesthood session of Conference. Man and Boy, the Conference Center was full to the brim. An early hilarious attempt by some young and not so young women, clad in pants, sports coats, white shirts, and ties, had been beaten back with only a few casualties: three ushers had sustained bruised testicles, leading one to believe that the women were not as pure as they should have been! Only harlots knew men had balls!
When 2nd Counselor Okie Dokes rose to call the session to order, his first words were, "All of you who are NOT men, or are harboring some doubts on this issue, must leave now!"
Four men from the left side of the audience rose in not quite ordered fashion and made their ways to the aisles and thence out of the Conference Center.
There was a look of satisfied ferocity on Okie Dokes' face! When the last of the four had existed, he thundered, "Is that all of you? Well, is it!?" And two more attendees rose and hurried from the Center.
Then as Okie Dokes opened his mouth to speak again, an egg went sailing by, within inches of his head and splatted in the lap of the Lord's mouthpiece on this earth, Rusty Nelson. Not many in the hall were aware of what had just happened. Okie Dokes himself was initially only aware that something had been thrown at him, and he was busy scanning the audience, looking for some sign that would identify the culprit!
In the meantime, apostles Holland and some other White dude (I can't tell them apart without a program) were huddled with the Prophet, each hoping the other would take out a handkerchief and do the necessary dabbing about in the Prophet's crotch. The look on Rusty's face was one of haughty enthusiasm, with a tincture of 'should-I-get-pissed-now' loitering on the fringes.
Meanwhile in the audience, a priest and two deacons had piled onto a teacher who was holding another egg in his left hand. HIS LEFT HAND!! Those sitting nearby could hear the teacher's grating voice as he urged his compatriots to let him go, so that he could throw this second egg at what passes for God's walking seer stone. One of the men seated near the gaggle of teens later commented that he heard the phrase, "...seer sucker suit..."
While this hub-bub was growing, a young man on the east side of the auditorium screamed as loud as he could. And while all eyes were drawn to him, two more eggs came lofting into the stand, from the west side of the auditorium. Both missed living targets, but those on the stand heard them splatters and the lizard portion of their brains interpreted the sounds accurately: They were under attack!!! FLEE!!!
Which they did.
As those in the audience became aware of what was happening on the stand, they came to the same conclusion. So within 12 minutes, the Conference Center was empty. And in the more or less orderly stampede, the original egg thrower was able to free himself and disappear. And no one had the vaguest idea as to who had thrown the other two eggs.
The next morning, an OpEd piece in the SLTribune appeared, titled, "The doughnuts weren't ready when the menfolk got home." For a Sabbath Day, or for any day as far as that goes, the level of hilarity was off the charts.
At Sunday's first session of Conference, the start was delayed because everyone entering had to go through an egg detector machine, which caught a lot of people by surprise since not everyone had heard of the previous night's disaster! And once inside, everyone wanted to talk about it and the level of babbling was so high that it took the newest apostle, Rufus B. Kingfish, who was slated to preside, almost 30 seconds to get something approaching silence to reign.
At which point he was hit in the back of the head by an egg thrown from the women's section of the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square, with the accompanying female shout, "I'm a Mormon, you idiots! A MORMON!"
I grant total immunity to CZ to use this as he/they/it pleases for a 59 year period, at which point I want to make a movie, starring me as the Kingfish.