Or maybe its just the realization that I never had it in the first place?
I used to talk with my mom all the time about various issues in raising my kids. Why not? She raised 8 kids and did a great job.
But now that I have left the Church I can't discuss any family problems without her saying The Gospel is the solution. When I WAS a member and had problems with the kids, I don't recall her ever using The Church as a solution. But now The Church is the answer to all problems and the end result is that I have stopped talking with her on anything of substance. The same was true of my dad before he died last year.
Recently one of my kids got into some trouble and I found it incredibly sad and depressing that I had no one I could confide in and I blamed the Church for it. But is this a problem with the Church or do most families have a lack of closeness and trust? For those of you who were converts, could you confide in each other, particularly your parents, without fear of judgement or condescension? Is this really a mormon problem or am I being unfair?
I happen to think that mormons did like us and only want to nudge us back to church when they shun. Sadly, they don't have the depth or wisdom to show love to anyone except through morg testimony and the plan the morg lays out for them. Many of them miss the closeness as much as theirt exmo relatives dp.
I could be wrong, but this idea makes me feel better.
Agree, Cheryl. I also think they feel they have a duty to participate in the deprivation of blessings which are promised to those who leave the church. If they continued to be just the same, wouldn't that be condoning the person who left? Signifying the church wasn't important to US? Perhaps showing we, too, have a weak testimony?
Only when I left the church and laid down the burden of continuous "checking" of my behavior and responses did I realize what a heavy burden it is. The family members are in a quandry and they resolve it different ways. The ones who keep in contact have to pay for that by continually reminding you that the secret of happiness, family togetherness, less termites/more roses, jock itch, is the Restored Gospel.
"The Gospel is the solution" is such a conversation killer.
You might try saying to her, "Mom, what kind of answer would you give me if I were still Mormon? Because I had problems when I was Mormon as well. You gave me practical advice back then, and I could use some practical advice now."
As a nevermo, I share my truly serious problems with my family, and many of the smaller problems as well. I like to get their perspectives, and I often get practical or logistical help as well. They can expect the same from me. I think that my family functions rather well in that regard. We work as a team.
What I notice about mormon families is that they really dont KNOW each other. They just aren't themselves around each other. I am not mormon, never have been, but my husband's family is. His brother and sisters all hide who they are from their parents and sometimes from each other. They hide tatoos,earrings, the fact that they drink alcohol or coffee, smoke or shop on sundays, etc. These people are all in their 20's, 30's and even 40's. I find it incredibly sad. People should feel most at ease and accepted with their families. This is not the case with mormons. In mormonism,families are all too often the most judgemental and the most critical of each other.
It makes me sad, and yes, I feel that I have sacrificed allot, but there is no other way for me to go. I just never believed it. The price to be accepted by them would be to bullshit myself. Then there would be no me.
The vast majority of my family has said nothing about my leaving, but it turns into a huge gap -- the 800lb gorilla in the room. The church is such a dominant part of their world view, that even if they accept it is no longer part of mine, too many things become a no-go area to enjoy a real connection. As a result, we have drifted apart and that does sadden me.
I had problems with my TBM family years before I ever thought of leaving. I didn't fit in with my family at all. I was looked down upon mostly; pitied by a few. I have many family members in the area, & no one calls. I haven't seen most of them in almost 2 years, since my grandfather's funeral.
My experience with morg families is based on what I knew of my ex's family since I converted when I married. The fam really didn't understand what motivated each other, and they were running on assumptions. There was nothing I would call a special closeness, but there was a bit of smothering, just like the temple experience was cold and smothering.
...much easier, thanks to the weird lack of family closeness we had.
For example, whenever there's a reunion, my brother takes me aside and says that he thinks about me quite often. He said this back when I was still in the church. But it's just BS he says to make himself feel better, because he never write or calls, which is fine, because he's a very uninteresting person. That's why I don't contact him either. And when he moved from the midwest back to the same general area of UT as my sisters, it was months before he ever bothered to contact them. My sisters don't talk to each other that much either. They're all into their kids and their kids' kids.
As the past couple of years have come and gone, I've found that the only times my family ever took interest in my life were when they wanted to tell me what to do. My oldest will be in Kindergarten soon, and my mom wouldn't be able to tell you what her full name and birthday were(and not due to age). Same goes for my other child. They are their only grandchildren. This wasn't something that happened overnight when I started to question the church.
As for DH's family, they act very close, but no one has ever even tried to show interest in his hobbies, loves, and interests. They only perk up if he does something that shows that he'll be rising up the religious ladder...and since that one show of support is now gone forever, it's been hard for him to handle.
I guess I'm one of the lucky ones as I am very grateful for the relationships I have with family and friends both LDS and non LDS.
I've learned through decades of experience and observation that almost all families have some of the same problems with their spouses, their children and families.There are some that are estranged from time to time, children and grandchildren may have problems with drugs, addictions, the law, keeping a job, getting an education and on and on.
The more I talk to other people, the more I learn that I'm not alone in this wild world. Other folks are going through many of the same concerns and problems I am. Religion, from my view point, didn't cause them or solve them. I have made a conscious choice to separate behavior and attitude of the individual from any belief system.
When a belief system is involved, fanatical, literal believers of any religion tend to use their religion in a similar, more strict manner.
More relaxed, liberal believers tend to use their beliefs a little differently; more likely not directly but more as core principles.
It's just human beings being human beings. Anything one human being can do, so can another.
serena Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Emphasis on the BS. BS means it's a load of > doodoo. Why is that passive aggresive? Just because everyone hasn't lost loved ones over the church doesn't mean they are passive aggresive or unsympathetic. I haven't and I sympathize with those who have.I think the OP does too. It doesn't hurt people to know that all Mormons aren't the same as their bigoted relatives and that we haven't all had the same experiences.Your comment was pretty unhelpful too, IMO.
Some of my comments from prior posts on the subject of: Leaving Mormonism - or Leaving your Tribe.
Mormonism, in my long experience and observation is more accurately described as a patriarchal, generational, cultural, religious tribe. In fact the word: tribe is used in their lexicon. As a convert, I was considered an adopted member of the tribe. Considering how tribes manifest, it is, in my view, the best way to understand how Mormonism creates a whole paradigm for the individual in a familial, societal, religious context aka tribe complete with it's own unique rituals, music, and language.
Leaving Mormonism is, for many, leaving their tribe in every sense of the word.
Leaving Mormonism, or leaving your tribe, however one approaches the exit process, as I describe it, is never about being weak. It is about being strong enough to feel the fear and do it anyway even if the consequences of our decisions are not known at the time.
It's about being willing to step outside the cultural, religious boundaries of the familial tribe, and be OK doing it.
Leaving Mormonism takes a huge dose of courage, tenacity and perseverance to withstand the onslaught of any Mormon who tries to discourage you from making your own choices.
"The individual has always had to struggle to resist the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
No matter how successful I am or may become, I'd love it if my little bro still spoke to me. He was my best buddy for more than ten years. We're still acquaintances, but we don't speak.
Yeah I miss him. I know he misses me. I'll miss him always.
It's hard when family makes their love conditional. You miss it, but to live healthily you can't tolerate it. When the chips are down and survival is at state you often must choose to call a bluff or fold a hand. Or close a door you wish could stay open.
The difference between family and friends is that we get to choose our friends. I quit the Mormon church at age 17, and I soon realized that I had very little interest in my TBM family and they felt the same way about me.
The only exception was my mother, who always treated me with love, respect, and kindness. My father only cared about trying to get me back into the cult. My siblings were boring, dull, TBMs who had no life outside of the cult. I had no interest in them and they had no interest in me.
I was always on great terms with my mother. She never mentioned religion and she never tried to make me feel guilty about having left the cult. All other family members were a total write-off. I simply accepted that fact and went about having a happy and interesting life without them or their cult.
Any so-called "closeness" with my TBM family was not worth much while I was in the cult, and it totally disappeared after I quit the cult. What you see is what you get. There was no reason to feel bad about it or be remorseful.