Date: January 09, 2019 11:51PM
It might help for you to read about sociopaths and psychopaths and narcissists. These personality types all are in a category named "Cluster B." These people are behavioral types, and not in the "psychotic" spectrum. A person with a psychosis is out of touch with reality. A Cluster B knows exactly what he is doing.
There are a few valuable bits of information, that I got from my studying:
First of all, your abuser already knows what he is doing. There is no need for you to bring him into "awareness." My brother used to break my toys, and trip me and cause me to fall, but would say "oops...sorry," like it was unintentional. My other brother and I knew his actions were deliberately meant to cause HARM TO OTHERS.
A Cluster B is never accountable for his actions. My brother never had to replace a broken toy, or a broken chair. He never apologized for breaking my nose (right before Prom) or hurting my pets (I would not have pets in our house), or anything else.
My abusive, psychopath brother was 6 years older than I, and very large and frightening. He was allowed to beat me, any time he felt like it. Our TBM parents' response was, "You know we can't control your brother. We warned you to stay away from him." When I got big enough, I learned to kick him hard in the shins, to defend myself. The problem was, that whenever I did, he would yell and swear and throw a huge tantrum, and my parents would punish ME for kicking him. He would turn everything around, so it was MY FAULT--or anyone else's fault, but his.
Cluster B's are very manipulative. My brother evoked pity from all our Mormon friends, because he always got picked-on at school. In reality, HE was the school bully! He bullied little girls, mostly, and he got some harsh beatings from their brothers. I was at the same schools as my brother, so I knew, but my parents would not believe me. They were in denial.
My brother couldn't get any girls to go on a date with him, so well-meaning Mormon ward members would fix him up with their daughters, including a few of my friends. The reason girls would not date him, was that he objectified women, and talked dirty to them, and threatened them. He was very creepy and scary. He was more of a psychopath than a sociopath, so he lacked the smooth manners and pleasant appearance of a sociopath. He could bear a powerful testimony, though, and made a big deal out of going on a mission. He was absolutely false. His mission president wanted to send him home after a few months of his mission, but my father bought a car and drove it down to my brother's mission, and donated it. Nothing was ever said. Horrors like my brother are kept secret, and the secret was kept by the entire Mormon community.
When my brother got older, he was into voyeurism, and would walk in on our nieces when they were getting dressed, and he stole their underwear, which I found in his drawer--but, again, when I warned the family about him, they just laughed at me, and said he was just a harmless crazy uncle. These nieces (from two separate families) are in their mid-thirties, now, and have never had boyfriends. I can't help but think my brother had something to do with this, but their secrets are well-kept, too.
As for me, I have PTSD, and married not one, but two Mormon sociopaths, and have been twice divorced, and I will never get married again.
What stood out in capital letters in your post, Tyllo, was the sentence, "My hopes are fading because it DOES NOT SEEM TO STOP." (caps are mine).
My brother never stopped. My parents couldn't stop him. The Mormon mission didn't stop him. Being kicked out of BYU didn't stop him. Being fired from countless jobs didn't stop him.
I became an athlete, because I learned to get away from my brother. For me, throughout my life, running away has been one of my top solutions. Several times, fleeing has saved my life! I would spend my growing up years at school, the library, on the sports fields (my refuges that were adult-supervised). At home, I would bolt my door, and when he would break that, I would climb a tree or jump the tall backyard fence. I lived in constant vigilance. Perfectionism and criticism from the Mormon cult, anxiety attacks, stomach aches every night, and a feeling that I wasn't worth saving, made me feel like a "nothing."
I felt horribly guilty about cutting off all contact with my brother. It was difficult, because he lived with my parents his entire life. When he started abusing my children, I could no longer have them stay at that house. After we moved to Utah, my brother would fly over here, uninvited, and bang on my door, for me to let him in. I had to calm myself down, and remind myself that he was an adult with a ton of money, and could afford a hotel. We all told him he was not welcome at our house, and he knew why. My poor old mother would cry, and say, "Your brother loves you, and would give you the shirt off his back." My reply was, "But he won't stop abusing us."
My parents and other brothers and their families would come to my house, and I never did take my children back "home."
When my brother died, he had two lawsuits against him for sexual harassment, from two different neighbors.
Honestly, in my life, I have never seen a bigger, more grandiose Mormon funeral. He had been a huge tithe payer.
"Burn the Bridges"
"I wouldn't waste my time"
Best advice ever, from the posters here.