What changed for you? Did you voice your doubts, or act even more like you KNEW the BofM was true in order to cover up for your lack of faith? How long after you stopped believing did you finally stop saying shit like, "I know the church is true" and "The scripture is perfect"? What was your very first act of rebellion against the church?

Just curious, as everyone here has such different stories. How many of you are still playing the role of TBM, how many slowly faded out, and how many just told the whole community to piss off as soon as you realized it was crap?

"What was your very first act of rebellion against the church?"

Skipping Sundays in college and working on Sunday.

As a couple, it was deciding to no longer pay tithing so we could pay our bills. That one really scared me at first.

Wearing my skirts too short was my my first act of rebellion.

Once I was exposed to the historical problems of the church my faith got seriously shaken. Even though I was still pretending to be a believer I avoided testifying about the truthfulness of the church and I less judgmental of other people and more tolerant. I turned into more of a cultural Mormon. I was active and such but was a closet doubter. My transition out of the church was very gradual.

At first I only talked to a few people about it, and I kept going to church, reading scriptures, trying to pray for answers, as well as doing research, just trying to make sure I wasn't somehow making a mistake. I never bore my testimony or spoke up in church at all, I was just listening and trying to figure it out. I was teaching Sunbeams at the time - they were the sweetest little kids - but I couldn't deal with going to Sharing Time and hearing the older kids bear testimonies about paying tithing, and singing "Follow the Prophet". I couldn't stand watching these sweet innocent little kids getting brainwashed. So I quit, giving the excuse that I was moving - I did move about a month later. My family, for the most part, still don't know, but pretty much everyone else does now - my friends, neighbors, co-workers, and ward members. Sadly, I'm less honest with my own family, just to keep the peace - I avoid talking about religion as much as possible, even though I know the confrontation will have to come eventually.

that I was having trouble believing. Later I told different bishops the same thing. They all asked me if was sinning i some way. Was I doing everything I was supposed to be doing?

I tried some beer first. Then I went and drank a lot one day.

The ward always got whiter and whiter!

I was always the lone ranger.

[but i always knew that 1978 was a useless revelation]!

After having a mormon meltdown. I came home and threw away my g's in the garbage with all the rest of the garbage. I didn't go to church that Sunday. Right now I'm major anxiety over all of this. But I'm not quitting in my efforts to leave it behind.

Oh honey I did the same thing.

I was livid, threw everything away!

Now its the telling people part.

You will be ok!

I read a book on Emma that made its way onto the shelves by accident to Deseret Books. Her suffering surrounding polygamy really disturbed me deeply. It took root and ate away at my soul for about 8 years until finally I asked myself, what if I cant make it right in my head because its wrong? I read the things Brigham Young said about black people. I started to realize at its very core, the religion hurts people and I no longer wanted to align myself with its idealogies out of principle. I just wasn't feeling God's love there and they had no answers for the wretched who needed unconditional love and acceptance from their Creator. How can women love a God who would think so little of them as to ask Him for bread only to receive a stone?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2011 03:34AM by suckafoo.

I just got throught reading Emma Smith-Mormon Enigma. At first I really had no interest. My mind was made up long ago, and couldn't see how this book would be of any benefit. I was totally wrong. It has a very refreshing perspective of early church history...

The first little chipping away at any kind of testimony I may have had was when I was 6. We had always had had diet colas in the house though - Tab, Diet Pepsi, Diet Coke, Diet Rite, etc - because for years they were the only diet sodas, but they were off limits to me because of the caffeine rule. Of course I would sneak it anyway. I had regular Coke for the first time, & found nothing wrong with it, & nothing bad happened to me. Then that summer, I had iced tea for the first time. I realized there was nothing bad about it, & that whoever made up the rule that we couldn't drink it was dumb.

I didn't fully lose my little testimony until was 8 1/2. I was very ill, & I prayed & prayed for hours & hours in the middle of the night for god to heal me & he didn't. I went into hospital a few days after. That was when I knew that praying didn't help anyone, & that god probably wasn't real.

Rebellion? Just being myself, watching what I wanted to watch, & listening to what I wanted to listen to. Within reason of course at that time because I was such a little kid. But as I got older I watched, listened to, & read more so-called 'worldly' things, & I didn't give a damn.

I kind of came off like a TBM, but really I asked questions & even more questions in Mutual, SS, & Seminary (watered down Kolobian Katekism lol), & I think the leaders & teachers hated it. But I was too scared to leave. When I was older, I only remember saying a few times 'I **know** the church is true', & it felt wrong every single time. So I stopped.

I basically faded out because I was talking care of my grandmother a lot after I was released from my Primary counselor calling. Then came Prop 22 in 2000, & I only went to church twice after that in the next 2 years, & haven't been back since. I have yet to resign because it would cause problems in my family while I'm still living with my parents, despite my dad being an inactive apostate himself for 22 years.

beulhaland,

You didn't state what prompted your first doubts?

For me I was researching on a lesson about the Book of Mormon and googled popped up an image of Joseph with his head in his hat.
"what the...?"
"nah, that can't be true..."

and so it began.

What stage are you at?

I am an escapee from an entirely different oppressive religion. Based on my parents' general facility for blindly following some dude who claimed he knew what God wanted, I'm sure we would have been Mormons if it weren't for those darn Words of Wisdom. I think we lived the vast majority of them, and they were always happy to hand over what little cash we had to help promote their idiotic cult, but there was no way anyone (even an actual prophet of god) was gonna get them to stop drinking.

I started doubting around age 11, and had become absolutely convinced that the whole religion was hogwash and my parents were idiots by the time I was 12. I blame it on all the anti-gay hate speech they liked to try and pound into our heads. You have that many kids and one of them is bound to turn out gay. Tell that kid, who you haven't noticed is gay, that homosexuals are evil and will all rape children and worship Satan, and when said child (i.e. me) comes to terms with their gayness and realizes they have no desire to rape or sacrifice goats, and all the rest comes crumbling down pretty quickly.

People really don't think before they speak when it comes to Religion.

I recently attended a Stake Youth activity where the Mission President addressed to the young men and their Dads.
He said: 'If you serve a mission you will marry better women and you will be better fathers.'

50% of the Dads in the room hadn't served a mission and here he was telling their kids that they didn't have the best Dad in the world and that they had married inferior women because they hadn't been on a mission.

Brilliant

My first doubts came 4 months ago after I found out about polyandry on the FAIR website. I always had probs wearing G's so my first act of rebellion was drinking beer.
I hadn't drank in 21 years. I never liked the G's. I tried to talk to leadership about making them more comfortable and they got upset. So I just stop wearing them cuz they were disruptive to my every day activities. Is that odd of me?

At the moment, I can't be specific about the event that first got me doubting (it would make me instantly recognizable to any potential lurkers). But I can say that it came about entirely from an accident during a time in which I was not doubting or seeking outside information in the least.

It was like a switch had been flipped and suddenly the whole room was lit up, revealing all the dingy corners and dirty floors of the room of Mo-ism, and sending the Morgbot roaches scurrying for the dark cover of their brainwashed platitudes.

I didn't dare voice my doubts, but I immediately got online and began searching... and ended up here. I immediately stopped reading scriptures, saying "I know the church is true" and stopped paying tithing about one month later.

Though my TBM husband knows I am no longer a believer, absolutely everyone else in the world still thinks I am an authentic TBM. I am pulling out slowly.

My first true act of rebellion was consuming an entire box of cappucino chocolates. Mmmmm....

Regarding the switch being flipped analogy, I like to think of it more as being in a motel room that's already lit and you think everything's fine, and then someone hands you a black-light...

I started dating strippers and doing coke. I'm all better now though. True story.

Just sayin'...

Ron

I would expect nothing less. And I hope you took the opportunity to do a line off a strippers ass

I know that sounds like a lie, but see my other post. Weird times... but necessary to regain some sanity.

Ron

I simply refused to go to church a few sundays. I had this nagging suspicion that the holy ghost was just my own feelings, which got confirmed to me one sunday. After that I didn't want to go to church for a few weeks and one week I simply refused to go at all. I tried to gain the real "spirit" and how I got back into the fold is too embaressing a tale to tell. Lets just say that in retrospective it's another nail in the coffin for the theory that the holy ghost testifies of truth.

I started having serious doubts on the mission. Once my Zelph Shelf got too heavy I stopped testifying of Joseph Smith, stopped teaching the word of wisdom altogether, stopped teaching from the book of mormon, and began teaching exclusively from the bible. I only talked about Jesus and let my companions talk about the mormony stuff.

It was all downhill from there...

I wanted a guarantee in life that I'd have no problems. My dad wasn't very active and many of his relatives were jack mormons--but I was the one who wanted the security that mormonism supposedly provided so I did everything I could to live "righteously." I am still used by friends and family was the one who did everything the way I should and my life turned out to be a f8cking mess. Anytime someone says to me, "If I had lived right, this wouldn't be happening." I just look at them with shock on my face.

Nobody I know thought I'd leave the church. Most still can't believe it. I am antisocial and didn't like to go. I came from a "non-royalty" family as my dad wasn't very active. Little did I know at the time that having lots of early members in my family--polygamists, pioneers, Martin handcart relatives actually did make me royalty-HA HA HA. I lived it to the best of my ability.

I didn't like how our family was treated growing up, but thought maybe if I did it different. I was treated better in mormonism while still with my ex while he was in the bishopric and cheating with other men.

I started questioning when I first became friends with actual out of state nonmembers. Then I dated a few. They treated me better than any mormon ever did--as did my gay ex. They acted like I had value and a brain. I was going inactive at age 25 when I found out the guy I was dating was gay--and then I kind of got sucked back in. As I look back now, one of the reasons we married was to figure this situation out ourselves without all their voyeurism. We talked endlessly about things like the September 6, Steve Benson was a big one. We read Dialog and Sunstone, etc. AND we had our own experiences with leadership including Packer over the gay issue.

We went inactive when I was told my ex would be one of the next bishops--by the current bishop. He stayed in his position until released--and then he went inactive, too. For years, I thought I'd go back and then about 7 years ago, it all just fell apart. I have been inactive since my kids were 7 years old and they are 25. I was dealing with life issues all those years--

I don't really know WHEN my first clue came along--but I really found going to church forced socialization. There were so many things that were shelf worthy--but it took GAY to get me out.

For me I can't put a finger on it. I have always been a bit irreverent. I know that about 4 years ago I would go to church and come home kinda angry and I really didn't know why. I'd ask hard questions in SS and sometime contradict what teachers were saying there and in RS. I was asked to stop asking questions in SS and that really pissed me off so I quit going to SS.

It really all fell apart - my shelf of mysteries collapsed, when I read about JS and his 33 wives. Particularly the polyandry. I wanted to rip my G's off. The next day was my B-day (April 6 - arent' I spechul?) and my mom and sis took me to lunch. They started talking about church stuff and how spechul they are and how spechul all the church members are and how blessed and I wanted to hurl. I couldn't take it anymore and I blasted them with my disbelief. I guess standing up to mom and sis was my real first act of true rebellion.

Felt really good. I came home, took the g's off and have not looked back. Next up - I totally outed myself to the bishop's wife. She was my VT and she got an earful.

I didn't have any time for a slow exit.

That doesn't mean I never rebelled, I often skipped SS and PH meetings and almost never did home teaching etc. but I was a head bowing, yes saying morgbot all the same.

My end came after seeing a show on the Masons and noting the obvious similarity to the endowment ceremony. I tried to ask some people about it, but it was always very awkward. I mean, how to you ask questions about a ceremony you've sworn to never discuss with anyone? The fact that I wanted answers was guilt inducing enough, to actually ask was pretty tough.

After a year or so I finally had the courage to do a Google search and as they say, the rest is history. My testimony was gone within two weeks and there was no way to re-build it.

Stunted

As soon as I realized I was a member of a cult.. I got angry and the garments went into the bin. I went and bought new underwear for me and my husband. I have started sorting through various collection of magazines and books and throwing them in the garbage where they belong. I can't wipe from my mind the things I have learned and discovered about the Mormon church. After reading about Joseph Smith and Brigham Young and the actual doctrines that they taught I felt so decieved. Reading some of the sermons that Brigham taught from the tabernacle shocked me. There is a lot about the History of the church that is shocking. More so I look at the Prophet and the Apostles and wonder how they keep the pretense up. I have only been out since February this year so excuse me if I sound angry I guess it is all part of the process of recovery. On the up side I am enjoying living life without the shackles of the church. Good luck and best wishes on the journey out.