I'm in my mid-30s and the vast majority of stay-at-home moms that I know are my TBM friends, but I know some others as well. Lately on social media, I see post after post after post about stay at home mom depression and how that's a real condition and how people need to be more appreciative towards their stay at home mom friends because they do real work too. These articles imply that those of us who are working moms (like me) have it so easy because we get to send our kid to daycare all day, we get to interact with adults, we get to contribute to the household income. We're missing out on the joys of raising our own children though and that's priceless (at least the articles tell me so).

I realized very early in my parenting journey that being a stay at home parent would never be for me, so I send my kid to daycare without guilt. It's best for both of us. Life is short and I believe in doing things that make you happy. While I don't love my job every single day, working does make me happy. It saves my sanity and it makes me a better parent when I am with my kid. If being a stay at home mom is making you depressed, go back to work. Who cares if all you earn is enough to pay for daycare if it makes you happier? Anyway, I digress.

What I really wondered is, why is my generation so focused on stay at home mom depression? Did our mothers experience this? Our grandmothers? I recall my own mother having postpartum depression after my youngest brother was born, but no long-term stay at home mom depression. What has changed since my parent's and grandparent's generations to now that is making women (and I'm sure, stay at home dads too) so depressed? Or, have women always been depressed at home and we're just now bringing this condition to light?

I actually saw a lot of it with the SAHMs of my mother's generation (I'm 61). My mother was happier when she'd take a part-time job like they used to do things like car taxes once a year and she'd work through the month of March. We'd go to day care. I was only like 3 or 4, but I remember it well and I HATED IT. I swore I'd never put my kids in daycare. And I didn't.

BUT I got a job at the hospital my ex works at and I worked 2 evenings a week and every other weekend. I'd drop them off with him as he was getting off work and he'd take care of them when I was at work. It worked out really well as my daughter didn't like him much as he was too rough with her. She only liked me and my 7-year-old niece. I had twins, so this made it difficult. She learned to like her dad because mommy wasn't always there.

Thankfully, I had that job as I eventually was contracted out to work at home (medical transcription) and I was able to work at home while being a single mom. I only recently lost enough of my work I have had to work outside the home. Note my age.

My kids went to preschool 2 days a week when they got to be 4. Other than that, I never put them in daycare.

There are options. I know my daughter will go nuts if she has kids if she has to stay home. She is only now getting married at 33 and I plan on tending her kids. Just in time. I'm going to take early SS in July when I turn 62.

Thanks! I never heard either of my grandmothers talk about stay at home mom depression, so it's interesting that it existed way back when, just not talked about.

It didn't yey have a name.

Its hard for me to feel sorry for stay at home moms. I understand being isolated and I spent a decade at home with my litter of kids. But, honestly it sure beats having to trudge into the office and do high stress work.

I know a lot of mom's crave recognition, especially in a church that good give a rat's butt about how they feel or what they have to say, but honestly its not the 1970s anymore. Most people can find an outlet online or join a book club, have play dates,go to a park or even a mcdonald's with the kids, or write a novel at night, etc.

When people go to work its not to get a break from the kids. Its usually much worse than home life. And you can't get sick of it and quit or WHOOPS there goes the house, car,lights and groceries. You have the whole world weighing down on your shoulders and then you get to come home to a mommy complaining about being unfulfilled.

There are resources to help with depression, use them. There are options to reduce isolation, use them. Your kids won't be kids forever, enjoy them.

Stay at home would be great as long as the husband provides enough for the family.

But this is usually not possible , so the sahm is constantly worried.

An unhappy and depressed sahm does not anyone any good.

I agree, a stay at home, depressed mom does nobody good!

I stayed home with my daughter for the first three months. We were able to comfortably live on one income (unusual, but one perk of having children later in life when you have an established career) Having money didn't make the depression any less. The isolation is still as real. I can't imagine trying to stay home AND worry about money all the time.

I’m at home dad/aspiring novelist. It’s never made me depressed on its own. When my wife ran into some difficulties at work and sent me to massage school, the stress of the school combined with my writing made me so depressed and overwhelmed I could no longer eat, so I quit the school to focus on my writing. She’s supportive. Depression has lingered because of the expectation/hope that I earn money.

I believe depression is an occupational hazard of at home parenting, and does not automatically mean the person should stop if that’s what they want. “Working” in my case simply meant a dramatic rise in a poor affect. Instead, the depression can be dealt with. I use mindfulness practices and do regular exercise, and that keeps it down.

Of course, I have Aspergers, so being around people tends to worsen my moods. A person who chooses at home parenting should expect some isolation (especially if male). I generally prefer being on my own. There’s pros and cons to everything.

Thanks, Testiphony! I've wondered if a stay at home dad was prone to stay at home parent depression. That's certainly never talked about.

As a creative introvert I struggle with this because I can't act on my creative motivational bursts when they strike. My needs are on the back burner of the entire household. I'm always doing something for someone else and get tiny windows for self care. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that my two kids will be at school most of the day within a couple years and then the empty house will drive me crazy in the opposite way. Promising myself that two kids is plenty and I won't have to go through the baby years again helps. Ooh and chocolate and sweary mom blogs.

I hear you! I am SOOOOO relieved that I never have to go through the baby years again, and once my kid hits kindergarten in 2020 I am sure I will be happy that the preschool years are past too. Self care and doing what I want is definitly on the back burner most of the time. I took that for granted when I was single and childless.

I can't act on my creative motivational bursts when they strike. My needs are on the back burner of the entire household. I'm always doing something for someone else and get tiny windows for self care.

^ This affects most people, working or not. People that work typically have no time for themselves. People with small children have no time for themselves.

I think depression among SAHMs has always been a thing, but there was a time when it went unrecognized. A mom who was depressed thought it was her problem, and not anyone else's.

Early on when I entered my Master's teaching program, we were presented with research that said that it didn't matter if the mom worked at a job or was at home, as long as she was happy with her choice. Happy mom, happy kids.

Yes! Happy moms = happy kids. I get a bit tired of the martyr attitude from my stay at home mom friends about how hard it is (true -- it is hard) I've brought it up to a few of them that they could go back to work, and who cares if they only earn enough money to pay for daycare if they are happier and less isolated. Especially with my TBM friends, going back to work is unthinkable, no matter how unhappy they are at home. I know when I was a kid in the church people in the ward generally looked down on working mothers. I had hoped that attitude had changed and they no longer taught that a woman's place is only in the home and we should only go to college so we can help our children with their homework (true story -- I was told that in YW in the early 2000s)

I saw studies when I was in school that indicated the quality of the daycare was key. My personal bias is that it's better for infants to be cared for in a home setting, exposed on a regular basis to the germs of no more than one family other than the baby's own family. This may not be feasible for some families, though. Parents in general need to do what they want to do regarding work to the greatest extent that they are able, and they should be able to do it without guilt. Parents' happiness is important, too.

I have much compassion for those parents who would love to have one of them remain at home with a child but cannot do so for economic reasons. That sucks.

I agree, the quality of daycare is huge. Until this year I lived in a small town with only one licensed daycare, so a friend watched my daughter from the time she was three months old. I would have liked to stay home the first year, but I about lost my mind. I had the option of taking my daughter to work with me when needed, but I wasn't as productive. Happiness is important. I think as women it's hard to say "I don't want to be home with my children" but once we accept that as reality for some of us, it's much easier to handle the tears when you leave your child at daycare. I have no guilt sending my child to good care now. It's best for both of us.

I think anyone who is not appreciated, whether a stay at home wife/husband, full, pt or overtime spouse, is liable for deep depression.
Working full time, doing all the housework when one comes home, going out shopping at 24 hour stores, and running the grind 24/7 can make one so depressed as to become suicidal. Especially when others consider you have OH! so much money.

Yes, the grind can be just as depressing. I thrive on the grind, but some of my friends do not. "Relaxing" and not having enough to do triggers my depression faster than being busy, every time.

Do the SAHM's interact with each other (outside of the intnernet)?

I'm mid-forties now, but when I was a child, my mother stayed at home to raise us kids; however, she had a community of other SAHM's to interact with. Those are the neighborhood kids I grew up playing with. We had dinner at each other's houses, and when we got to school age, we took turns carpooling with everyone's moms.

I get the feeling that today, SAHM's interact online more than they do in real life (but that's just a guess). Online friends are not the same as IRL friends. They have their place, but they can't hug.

If you're brave enough, there are area mom groups online that you can meet up with in person. My current mom friends are people that happened to be married to my husband's coworkers and also happened to be out of the church so we have plenty in common, on top of artistic interests and other things. It's a little harder to be friends with people in my neighborhood as we are one of maybe two families who DON'T go to church. That said, I suck it up and attend the ward social events so I can put names to faces and it has helped me a lot. It's nice that the ward has a FB page - you can sell things, ask for babysitters, anything. Since it's a more established neighborhood with most households either empty nesters or people who are almost there, there aren't as many younger kids for my kids to play with. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be a young kid in a much more rural town though!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/17/2019 04:35PM by dinosaurprincess.

depression and troubles strikes anyone whether they are sahm or sahd. But it's Probably worse for dads, for making their women work and because men like to be in charge and tell their women and kids what to do, (patriarchy).

But for the working folks, having a job can suck bad as well. Especially if you work for a company that has silly rules and politics, and annoying people to face everyday. One thing is for sure, middle class sahm and feminists certainly benefit from patriarchy and don't sympathies with marginalized women or women of lgbt persuasion (I heard this today on NPR).

Women have many many paths they can take and maintain relationships with both sexes and still get social validation in life, they also hold the cards in matters sex. Men on the other hand have fewer options on what is success.

I was a stay-at-home dad for about a year after my last child (now 3 1/2) was born.

I worked part-time from home. I did some stuff on the weekends.

I never got depressed. In fact, I really enjoyed it. :)

I’m a stay at home Dad by choice. Nothing I’ve done in my life compares on any level. Lucky beyond words to be able to do this. I absolutely love it. It’s the most fulfilling experience in my life. Depressed? Not once. Oh, but it’s coming. What could I possibly do after this?

Glad to hear it, jay!
Mine was by choice as well.
I get what you mean about after...:)

From the OP: "What I really wondered is, why is my generation so focused on stay at home mom depression? Did our mothers experience this? Our grandmothers? I recall my own mother having postpartum depression after my youngest brother was born, but no long-term stay at home mom depression. What has changed since my parent's and grandparent's generations to now that is making women (and I'm sure, stay at home dads too) so depressed? Or, have women always been depressed at home and we're just now bringing this condition to light?"

Being an unhappy housewife is nothing new. Betty Friedan wrote about unhappy housewives in her book, The Feminine Mystique (1963). She was asked to interview her former Smith College classmates, 15 years after graduating, and found that they were unhappy housewives. She called their plight, "the problem with no name." Women didn't really talk about being unhappy housewives prior to the 60s. They were supposed to be content taking care of everyone else and doing endless chores - it had been their destiny for thousands of years; it was what they were supposed to do - what they were made for. Complaining about being unhappy or unfulfilled was not acceptable.

World war 2 changed everything. Men went off to war, leaving their wives to run the house and replace them in their jobs. Many women found that they liked working in jobs that didn't involve scrubbing, cooking and changing diapers - they liked the camaraderie of their coworkers, the praise for a job well done, and also their own paycheck. They found that they were very capable. It made them think.

When the men came home their wives had to leave their factory jobs and return to being housewives and mothers. Because of the war, many felt they needed to have big families to make up for the millions of people who died. Women had lots of babies, and the baby boom generation and worn out mothers was the result. Television invaded the homes with shows like "Father knows best" and "Leave it to Beaver," with unrealistic images of the perfect housewife. There were commercials with perfectly dressed/groomed women doing the housework, worrying about removing stains and how to make the perfect cup of coffee. Most woman didn't keep perfect houses and felt inferior. They couldn't live up to the media's expectation to be perfect - to always have a beaming smile on her face while serving dinner and washing the dishes. Many were unhappy and unfulfilled but were not allowed to express their feelings.

Then Betty came along and wrote her book. Finally someone got it and put into words what women had been feeling for a long time. Women found their voice and feminism emerged.

BUT I wouldn't spend his money. I didn't feel it was mine. I had worked for over 8-1/2 years as a secretary and got GOOD pay. I was earning more than he was when we got married. I hated not having my own money.

I've worked since I was young being a farmer's daughter. I've had a job since I was in high school except for 8 months after my twins were born. I lost my main job in October and I about went nuts. I still had a small contracting job. I went crazy looking for a job and, though it isn't that impressive, it is a paycheck. I don't have many bills because I have my ex and my boyfriend (ex pays most of the bills here and lives downstairs).

I do not mix money with my boyfriend, but I pay a fair share of what we do no matter what it is. Trip to Alaska and I paid for food and hotel rooms. He got the tickets with his whatever miles they are and got the rental car. That is how we do things. He earns 4 or 5 times what I do. I MUST pay my own way. It is important to my self esteem. My mother also didn't like spending my "dad's" money. She did baby sit and then when we were raised, she did other things.

My ex's mother was a nurse and she was in WWII in France. Then came home to having 6 kids and her husband didn't want her to work. She would move out for months at a time and work. They argued endlessly FIERCELY. She'd throw him out every week or 2. She NEEDED TO BE WORKING. It did untold damage to her mentally.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/18/2019 08:54AM by cl2.

As an adult I recognize that my stay at home mom struggled with depression. I don't know why, but I clearly see the symptoms.

She was very unhappy. I think an open discussion and some counseling would have helped, but in the 1970-1980 decade in my small down it just was not recognized.

I believe that a major contributing factor to SAHM depression is a husband who comes home and expects to be waited on by his wife. He doesn't do any housework because that is the wife's job. The wife's workday never ends.

Correlation is not causation.

If staying at home caused depression, then all SAHMs should be depressed.

You could just as well say those prone to depression would rather stay at home.

I once thought all women were very maternal, but have discovered otherwise. My TBM SIL had 5 kids but couldn't stand being home with them, and would always work.

I thought my daughters should have a career, so they went to university and got degrees, only to say they'd rather stay home and have babies, which they are doing.

Wife of a guy at work got her masters degree and $60,000 debt, and is now working. She begs him every day to find a way she could quit working and stay home with the kids.

Another guy at work said his brother spent $100,000 putting his daughter through engineering school. She hasn't worked a day, but would rather stay home with the kids.

Each person is different.

I don't quite understand why those like my SIL that don't like being around their kids want to have them. Maybe trophy kids? Or like having a dog to play with occasionally?

As for both parents needing to work, that is partially a result of both parents working. More people in the workforce reduces their value.

Also, cost of living keeps climbing, as money is printed (and devalued) to pay for endless warfare and welfare and fake government jobs and benefits.

But few care, as long as our rulers offer us bread and circuses.

Free Man Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

>
> If staying at home caused depression, then all
> SAHMs should be depressed.

By this line of reasoning, smoking doesn't cause lung cancer, drunk driving doesn't cause traffic fatalities, and aspirin taken by children with chicken pox, influenza, or other viruses doesn't cause Reye Syndrome.

Staying at home with children may lead to depression in some but not all women with young children.

I'm sure this type of depression existed in our mothers' and grandmothers' time, but in those days, people didn't know much about psychology. Especially the Mormons who believed that psychology was just pseudoscience.

Whenever I seemed depressed, my mother would quote "Anne of Green Gables": "To despair is to turn your back on God."

Luckily, I wasn't a depressive personality, and never had real depression. Sometimes I would became physically exhausted (cured by a good night's sleep), and my Narcissistic husband would be cold and cruel towards me and our children (cured by divorce).

We lived near our parents, in the early years of our marriage, and my parents would encourage me to "get away" once in a while, for 2-3 hours. It was not all-or-nothing. A few hours here and there were all I needed. I was good at time-management, and would grab little "breathers" whenever I could, when the kids were in pre-school and school, during their naps, late in the evening, in those minutes in the morning before everyone woke up. I probably would have gotten depressed if I had not consciously kept myself happy and healthy, along with the kids. I would take them to the beach, go on nature walks, to the parks, ride bicycles with a kid seat on the bike, play soccer, baseball, and tennis with them. We enjoyed doing this, and the side benefit was that I ended up staying fit. Being outdoors helped my mood, and kept the kids calm. We had a garden and cats and a dog. Volunteer work in the children's schools gave me and the kids the social contact we needed. I could read and play my music in off moments, but my favorite thing was to be with my children.

The Mormon church always made me unhappy, though. I didn't like the sexist, polygamous mind-set, and the regimentation, and the long, unrelenting 3-hour block, and the unreasonable demands put on me as the ward organist/pianist/cub scout den mother/VT/maker of food. I hated having my children unhappy on Sundays. Of all the SAHM "chores", church work was the WORST. I gradually learned to say "No", and eventually left the cult altogether. I had more time for my husband and children, my own favorite music, and studying about child psychology and development. Our neighborhood was full of friendly non-Mormon SAHM's, so I wasn't "isolated" like a lot of SAHM's are. I had only three good Mormon friends, all of us with "absentee" husbands.

My husband left the cult before we did, and I got the blame for him leaving. I did not like the role of "Mormon scapegoat". and my MIL constantly interfered and tried to control us. That depressed me, but I cried all the way to the beach, in the Sunday sunshine!

DH was the Narcissist son of a Narcissist mother, raised in the Mormon cult, to be a spoiled brat, an entitled Mormon prince, God's gift to women. He never helped me with anything--never washed a dish, never changed a diaper, never babysat, never attended the kids games or school activities or performances or parties or weddings. He never did yard work, didn't even gas up and maintain his own car. He was unloving, negative, and critical, but my children were grateful for any attention he decided to give them. I had to do all the work at home, and he brought in a paycheck, and I accepted that as an ideal Mormon life. It was worth it.

Every day, I was grateful that I didn't have to leave my dear ones and go work for someone else. I was there to breastfeed, and see their fist steps, and all of that. I made my husband dinner every night, did his laundry, packed his suitcase if he had to travel, cut his hair, helped him with his problems, was his geisha and his arm-piece and his nurse, hosted parties for his business associates and our families, took care of Christmases and birthdays. I liked variety, and my children were charming, and fascinating. There was never a dull moment. This was the way my husband wanted things to be. He told me how things were going to be, before we were married, and whenever I offered to go back to work, he adamantly refused.

My husband and I went on weekend trips, without the kids, alone, or with friends. We would spend our 2 weeks summer vacations in the mountains, with the kids, which was fun, but hard physical labor for me. I was living the dream!

After 15 years, my husband left me, saying he didn't want a family anymore, and he has had no contact with me, and only a handful of encounters with our children. I discovered that he had been cheating on me for our entire marriage, with multiple women, and I had no clue. So much for the Mormon SAHM dream-life!

I was sad that I had to leave my children alone at home (youngest was 8) and go to work full-time to support them. I did have depression, and anxiety that I might not succeed. I reached an all-time low, when I made the mistake of returning to Mormonism, because "It's the best way to raise kids." Luckily my children objected, and they woke me up to the lies and abuse, and this time we formally resigned. We are happier, without that miserable jerk, and without Mormonism in our life.

I have been lucky with my career, and sometimes it's enjoyable--but I still would not choose to work, given a choice. I have enough pride in my children. For me, work is difficult and demanding, and I get very little self-esteem from it, except for the money.

Ideally, very woman should have a college education and/or a career in place, to fall back on! My daughter is a dental hygienist, and put her husband through graduate school, and she's a happy SAHM, now. She plans on going back to work, when their children leave the nest. Many of my SAHM friends have had their husband lose his job, so they had to return to work, for several years.

Free Man's daughters are young, yet, and if any of them get divorced or widowed, they will be very grateful for their college education! A good education--now THAT gives you self-esteem!