My adult son will be filing by phone later today (I've been awake for three hours fretting about it) for disability from the Social Security office. He originally wanted to do this from my house, as I worked for SSA for 30 years and understand the nuances of any questions that may be asked. Also, son has a significant hearing loss. So, I was just supposed to be there to facilitate things, as needed. No problem.

Son called me yesterday, and told me he felt he could handle the call on his own, so that when the SSA office called at my home, just identify myself as his mom, and redirect them to his own phone, per his request. That would take what - a minute or less? I said, "Sure, no problem."

DH overheard this and flew into a rage. He insisted that I should not "run interference" for son. He said, "Why not have him call the national number just like everyone else. . ." I used to WORK at the bloody national number. I know that it takes between 2 and 3 hours to get through to a live rep. Why would I put my son through that?

Fortunately, DH will be at work tomorrow, so if SSA calls here I will forward the call to son as agreed upon.

Can anybody shed a light on why DH would be so resistant to my doing something like that, which is NO inconvenience to me, at all? We had an extended fight about it yesterday (we seldom fight about anything)and annoyance is keeping me awake.

He insisted that I was "enabling" my son. I maintain that I was simply passing along a message as requested, especially since my son's choices are complicated by exhaustion from being on thrice-weekly dialysis.

Any ideas on why it is such a huge tail-wringing deal to forward a 30-second message? I would appreciate your input.

Isn't this the same husband who also kept telling you not to seek proper medical help for the longest time?
My eye brows shot up back then,tbh

Anyway, your husband is being unreasonable again.

All good parents help their kids as much as they can, no matter what their age.
of course you should assist your son.

No reason for hubs to fly into a rage over this but every reason to tell him to eff off and calm down.

He may be jealous of the time you spend helping your son, plain and simple. Like a child (remember those days?) when our children would vie for your attention whenever you had a phone call to take? Suddenly they were all over you, or each other to get your attention?

That is very controlling behavior on his part. And no I don't see it as enabling at all when you have a very sick son who can use someone in his corner who cares about him to lend a helping hand. It might make all the difference to him that he has you to do that.

If it isn't taking away from your schedule and it's something you want to do, even find some joy in doing, tell hubby to find some useful activities of his own so he won't mind that you have your own life independent at least a little, from his.

You never stop being a mom as long as you live. With a critically ill child what mother wouldn't stop in her tracks to help especially knowing he doesn't have a significant other nearby to do little things that mean so much to the receiver.

Count your blessings that you are put there to bless him and continue being his mother for as long as he needs you. Your husband doesn't have the innate nurturing love of a parent for a child. Because no matter what age, our children are still tied to our heart strings.

Your husband does not own you. You are not his property. He needs to respect you and adore you for the person that you are, and that includes your being a mother to some wonderful children. Just because they're all grown up your love for them didn't stop, nor do your duties when duty calls.

Jealousy is a powerful motivator. Just because it's your son doesn't change the fact your husband may feel like he's competing with him for your affection.

It's not enabling. It's using your expertise to help and smooth things out for a family member. Families do it all the time. For instance, my SIL was a certified social worker and an experienced pre-school teacher. She helped my mom with retirement decision-making and paperwork, and her daughter-in-law with evaluating child care centers. My brother was an engineer, a builder, and an experienced businessman. He is our family go-to for any sort of problem-solving, especially if it involves mechanical or building issues, or any negotiation.

I'm sorry that your husband is acting this way. No, he's not being reasonable.

People think I enable my son and I do. But while enabling him, he has given up alcohol, the medication that has kept him off drugs (subutex) which he has been on for over 10 years and costs plenty (which I often paid for). Little by little he has made HUGE strides, but people think I should put him out on the street and not keep him in my home.

They don't know him. They don't know the circumstances.

My boyfriend is usually pretty good about him, but not always.

I think someone hit on the idea that your husband is jealous of the time and energy you spend on your son. This can get out of hand. I have a friend whose son had Huntington's disease. She took him in and took care of him until death about 4 years ago. During that her husband, became extremely needy to the point that she had TWO to take care of. Her husband expected her to bring his pills to him and he said if she left to go somewhere, then he wouldn't be able to take his pills. He told her she couldn't talk on the phone as she needed to pay attention to him. He became an invalid, when he didn't need to, because he wanted the attention she was giving her son. Now he sleeps in a recliner and she waits on him hand and foot. He has lasted a long time in this fashion. He made himself disabled just out of envy of the attention she was giving her son (from a prior marriage).

I see things like this a lot with marriages where the spouse isn't the child's parent.

Your SON NEEDS YOU. You are doing the right thing. You can't get your husband to see your point of view no matter how much you argue with him.

My dad was really tough on us kids. When it came to my son, he told me to go easy on him and to just love him. So I do. I just love him. He does so much better when I do.

You should NEVER have to choose one over the other and you should never be put in that position. Myself, my boyfriend knows if he puts me in a position like this that he will not win.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/22/2019 09:35AM by cl2.

We've known each other via this board for a number of years. I so admire all you have done and continue to do for your son.

The difference between being a "useless bum" and a "model citizen" is hardly a binary thing. There are many, many degrees in-between. With your extraordinary compassion and support, your son has been able to turn away from the least desirable end of the social spectrum and move in a more positive direction. Change is never easy. Every step in the right direction takes effort. Sometimes, the best one can do is just to hold ground and not fall back. I suspect that is where Mom comes in.

I admire you so much for all you have done - and I thank you for your support on my own issues! (((HUGS)))

If this is a stepfather then there may be a whole host of psychological issues with that. He also may harbor some resentment of entitlements and doesn't know how to square his political beliefs with his families needs?

Why is he doing this? He is a controlling jerk, perhaps?

It seems like you are seeking excuses for him instead of facing the truth.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/22/2019 10:17AM by mel.

Wow. Kind of a dick. That's what parents do, they help their kids if and when they can. Telling your kid not to touch a hot stove burner, because it will cause serious damage and pain, is the right thing to do vs. "letting them figure it out for themselves". Especially if you can cut through miles of red tape and bureaucracy of government agencies. You could probably start a small, local consulting biz helping people navigate that frustrating and complex mess. Stand your ground. Help your son.

DH is almost always the kindest person, who will go out of his way to help a stranger, a neighbor, or most especially me when we need help. But he is resistant when it comes to my adult son (the one who is now on dialysis, thanks to the genes that I carry.)

When our argument was becoming VERY heated yesterday, I asked him, point-blank, "Why are you being such a (think nickname for "Richard") here?" I have NEVER called ANYONE that name before.

macaRomney, it is a stepfather issue, but most of his own kids won't have much to do with him either, because he was difficult when he was younger, before I ever stepped into the picture. His own kids have told me, "Mom, if you ever need anything and aren't able to drive to get it for yourself, call me - day or night - and I will make it happen." This came after the episode that I think some of you remember - I had caught my foot on an area rug and turned my ankle and DH said I didn't need medical care and refused to drive me. The foot was too bruised and swollen for me to drive. Eventually, one of the kids drove me. I ended up wearing a snug Velcro brace for nearly a month.

Please don't get the idea that DH is a jerk. He gets this way when he is overtired and stressed, and he was both yesterday. He is generally. the kindest, most helpful person EVER. (On the other hand, I am profoundly grateful that he is away today for another all-day training session to maintain his license, so he won't be underfoot for the call.)

I still have every intention of answering and re-directing their call if Social Security calls my house today. It is both stupid and beaurocratically inefficient (AND I AM IN A POSITION TO KNOW THIS!!) to do otherwise.

What is it that they supposedly teach Scouts? "Don't EVER put yourself between a mama bear and her cubs?" My DH was a Scout. He should know better. Amyjo had it right: A mother never stops being a mother.

Thank you all for your understanding and support.

PLEASE continue to help your son since you have the expertise.

As for your husband - many men are kind to others while treating their own families like dirt.

Stand up for your rights !
He may not be a jerk yet but he will be if you allow him to bully you and your son.

Helping kids is what parents do.

He has very fine qualities which make him special to you. But I'll say it again, no one is perfect. Well, you might be, but not DH and not me and most others.

No one here can really answer the question because we don't know your husband the way you do. We don't really know what you mean by "flew into a rage." Is he violent? Abusive?

Sounds like you want to help your son. Sounds like your husband wants your son to help himself.

Also sounds like your son is conflicted between the two strategies. At first he wanted your help, now he wants to do it on his own, for the most part.

I don't blame your for helping your son cut the line. If you know how to do it, you shouldn't feel bad for all the other people following proper protocols. Their loss is your gain.

Do you think your husband is upset that you're helping, or that you're helping in the way you are which could be perceived as taking advantage of a privileged position?

I believe your son is in desperate need of any help. Whatever help you can direct his way you will never ever regret. That is what I believe with every beat of my heart.

Being critically ill is no picnic. When I was in the cancer ward of a hospital watching cancer patients come and go, I was struck by how loving their families were to them. So very gentle, patient, and kind. Bending over backwards to get them to appointments, wait with them. Drive them, etc. Be there. Just be there. That makes all the difference in the world when you have someone who cares about you.

Your son is very fortunate he has YOU. You're a blessing to each other. One of my cousins took care of her son since he was twelve years old when he came down with cystic fibrosis. He had it for the rest of his life, and outlived his mother by a few years. She never regretted the time she spent caring for his needs. It changed her for the better she used to say. She had five children altogether, but he was her special needs child.

He lived at home until after she passed away when she could no longer care for him. Then his stepfather died, and he finally went into assisted living. He died last year. He was only like around 40. But very loved. He knew it, and everyone that knew him knew it. Their stepdad was like a dad to all those kids. He didn't have children of his own, and their dad died when they were small. He loved them all just like a real father. But NO ONE loved him as much as his mother did. She really stepped up to the plate and made sure his needs were met so he did not have to be institutionalized as long as she was alive. And he wasn't. He went to high school, graduated. Worked at a vocational school for the disabled. Tried to live as normal a life as he could until his illness prevented him from doing anything remotely normal. Now he's with his mom again. She's a true angel in my book. I loved her like a sister because she helped care for my dad when he was convalescing from a back injury and rescued him from an abusive elder care situation in our family (one of my TBM siblings and his wife and children.) She may well have saved my dad's life at that point in time.

Social Security called here at promptly at 11:15. I told them that he felt able to handle to call at home, at his own number, and gave it to the rep. She was very pleasant and said she would call him there.

Drama over. I'm still pretty wiped out from a night with very poor sleep. I may eat a little something, pop some Excedrin for my throbbing head, curl up and SLEEP after a long night of nerve-wracking tossing and turning.

My son's bio father was a tyrannical @$$hole, so for most of my son's early years, it was the two of us against him. So I do tend to be protective of my son. Fortunately, his step-sisters have bonded with him, and they have been super-helpful, especially since his kidneys tanked in January.

He is filing for disability, not only for his renal failure, but for severe hearing loss (part of the kidney thing) and some other issues. He is definitely unable to work. If he gets disability, he will be able to maintain a more or less independent lifestyle.

Thank you guys so much for your support and collective wisdom!!

sounds like plain old jealousy and the guy is not a real great parent to not want to help your son.

it would cause world war 3 if it happened to me and then there would probably be a possible divorce. that's just me.

but first i would try to talk with him and make him understand a few motherly feelings. maybe he won't care about that either.

Maybe the sick people in his life are reminding him of his own frailty and mortality.

If your husband is otherwise normal as you say, I think this is something you just have to blow off.

Who knows why people sometimes act out of character.

The rest of the process, as you know, you can probably help your son with without your husband knowing about it.

My I suggest in closing, and as you probably already know, that when you send in the appeal, call after a few weeks to both the local office and appeals operations. Although I sent mine in certified mail return receipt requested, they still managed to lose by papers. If I had checked up on this sooner, my case would have moved along more quickly in a process that takes forever anyway.

Good luck, and again, ignore your husband.

Well, even Alexander Graham Bell had his hangups.

So long as he doesn't become consumed by them, and lets you do what mums do best (be a mother,) when duty calls, forgive and forget.

If he really loves you he'll want whats best for your whole family.

You're a kind-hearted woman. Hopefully he'll move past his insecurities and let you live free of possessive interference.

Help your son!!! Who does your husband think he is to tell you not to help? He needs to mind his own business and work on improving his controlling, mean personality.

With regard to a son from my previous marriage, I remind DH ... “He saw me first.”




Good luck to you and your son, Catnip.

kathleen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> With regard to a son from my previous marriage, I
> remind DH ... “He saw me first.”
>

Perfecto!!!!

>
>
> Good luck to you and your son, Catnip.

... and no argument follows. :)