Earlier my sister kept her rage inside the marriage, now nothing holds her back to include relatives or friends into her endless mental battles.

It started when her daughters turned adult - when they moved out got full time jobs - and her husband got a new advanced job. Her house wife "duties" were over.

What have happened? What do you think?

The personal borders are almost missing. There is no respect or no shame.

She abused me verbally and later excused herself by saying that she is in menopause.

Honestly, I can't imagine what it must be like to be a faithful LDS woman who is beyond child-rearing days, married to a husband with insignificant / insubstantial church callings.

What is your purpose? Relief Society is a jungle of gossip, whispers, in-fighting, factions, back-stabbing, political agendas, etc.

There's really no room for philosophical wonderings which is a good source of stimulation.

There must be a deep, festering frustration that eventually boils over and directed at people who will take it and not jeopardize their reputation.

You should have pity on your sister. Just my opinion.

> The personal borders are almost missing.
> There is no respect or no shame. She
> abused me verbally and later excused
> herself by saying that she is in menopause.
>

Hey, any idea under what name she posts here, 'cause ...

Fishy.

There is but one of the reasons I love you dearly Lot's Wife...
You've just put a big smile on my face..

I try, Dear Saucie, I try!

Does this have something to do with menopause?

Oh dear Cod! Here we go again!

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> > The personal borders are almost missing.
> > There is no respect or no shame. She
> > abused me verbally and later excused
> > herself by saying that she is in menopause.
> >
>
> Hey, any idea under what name she posts here,
> 'cause ...


I think she has confusion regarding the definition of menopause and dementia.

She may be feeling frustrated and resentful of her lack of power both within her marriage and the church. I can tell you that whatever mistakes I've made in my life, at least I've been making the decisions. She likely doesn't have even a fraction of that autonomy. IMO you can't feel like a fully-functioning adult unless you have some control over your own life.

While your presentation has the ring of truth, your final sentence...

>
> IMO you can't feel like a fully-
> functioning adult unless you have
> some control over your own life.
>

I think there's room for the position that some people recognize that all the control in the world over their own lives brings no satisfaction if they can't enforce control over the lives of somebody, anybody!

The fact that the OP's sister had control of her demons when people lived under her roof but has now gotten somewhat out of control as an empty nester is what I'm basing this on. some people just have to believe that what they say and do matters in the lives of others. The fact isn't stated, but one wonders if the daughters couldn't wait to get away from their mother.

People lash out when they feel powerless. Especially those who crave power. Feeling like you have no control is the depths of misery for those--not that any of us like the feeling.

Add to that a big dose of Mormon misogyny and you have a combustible little cocktail. Something's got to give.

I wonder if someone like that can go back and build a healthy power base? I doubt it, and, why isn't that in the Sunday School curriculum?

Sure is a lack of respect for women here.

It is assumed that women are like little children - incapable of being responsible for their actions.

Instead of the possibility of her being a bad person, surely she is a victim of hormones, or lack of purpose, or mental issues, or misogyny, or lack of control or whatever.

Let's have some equality. Likely if a dude was being abusive like this, we would call him a jerk, oppressive, evil, part of the patriarchy, woman-hater, etc.

Would be nice if an abusive husband could blame his excess testosterone, or lack of control at home and work, or misandry, or whatever.

Your sister needs to "be a man" and straighten up. If she doesn't, stay away from her, and eventually she might learn actions have consequences.

Treat her like an adult. Have respect for women.

BTW, this woman says we need to stop treating women as helpless victims and treat them as adults.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgIgytWyo_A

Well Said.

Yes, it could quite possibly be that she's an ill-tempered individual. That thought did occur to me.

But I said what I did because a feeling of powerlessness can warp a person. When a wife does not work for a living, that puts her in a position of dependency. In many marriages that can work quite well, and the husband and wife form a true partnership. But in some marriages the non-working wife has little say in household affairs. I know of one wife whose high-earning husband gave her a hard time about buying new dish towels. Dish towels! Can you imagine the resentment that would cause? Where she had formerly been an amiable sort, she started to snipe at her husband.

I think in cases where the SAH wife and mother has little perceived sense of power, it would be more common for her to have passive-aggressive behavior. But I could also see the anger bubbling up in a more direct way.

Everyone's different, but some people love drama. (I hate it, and avoid confrontations, to the point of running away. Some people are control freaks. Some people need love and attention more than others. People want to feel that they are important, that their lives matter.

From what I read here on RFM, Relief Society is almost defunct, and no longer offers the social and creative outlets that it used to. Charity service is restricted to cleaning the building--Gah--how satisfying could that be? Even crafting something out of pop bottles could be therapeutic, and elicit conversation among the people who were doing it together. Luncheons were social, the cooking was accomplishing something, at least. Visiting teachers kept track of each other, though the women complained about it. Now there's--nothing.

If you love your sister, you could help open some new doors for her. What were her hobbies and talents, when she was growing up? She needs something else to occupy her!

A job or career would save her from that self-indulgent ennui, and she would make money, besides. I have some Mormon friends who are empty nester SAHM's, and the ones who can't find hobbies or volunteer work to interest them, often end up being miserable. This can happen to Mormons and non-Mormons alike.

As for her erratic behavior, menopause is no excuse. I would look to see if she is on drugs. I'm not kidding--over half of my Mormon (former) friends were on one of these drug derivatives: Valium, Prozac, Zoloft, Vicodin, Percodin, Ambien, Zolpiden, amphetamines, etc., or hormones, or massive, massive amounts of caffeine every day.

She might need your help, or a therapist's help. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with her rage and histrionics. You can make your own boundaries with her.