Date: May 16, 2019 06:31AM
Yes, call the suicide hotline! They will be able to really help you.
Please get therapy! What you are going through is very extreme!
I am so sorry this happened in your life!
When I was being beaten, almost daily, by my temple husband, the pain, injuries, fear, and hopelessness caused me to contemplate suicide. In that dark place, I saw no way out. He would not stop. He often quoted D & C 132, while he was beating me, and he felt I was his possession, and that he had the right to do anything he wanted to do to me, whenever he felt like it, for no reason. I had no control, as his rage had nothing to do with anything I did or said. Divorce would mean the end of my life, as it was mapped out by my TBM parents and the cult. I had failed at my ONE--and only--purpose in life.
I just didn't know that there were other ways out. My pain wasn't allowing me to think clearly. I was wandering alone at night, in a bad neighborhood in Provo, sick with a 104-degree fever, in a rain storm, wanting to die, and a mugger jumped out at me, and I ran. This was the shock I needed! As I was running and screaming for help, I realized: "I want to live!"
Sometimes, it's just a fine line, an instant, that separates us from life and death. I'm so sorry that your daughter didn't survive--I can't imagine the anguish and loneliness you are feeling.
For you, too, there are "ways out", or, at least ways to help you out of the deepest depths of sorrow.
Time is your friend.
I hope you have a spouse or partner, or family and friends, to help with loneliness. I've been in situations in which I had no one to tell my troubles to--but I discovered that it helped to just talk. I mean, you don't even have to talk about your problems at all. Just talking to someone about any subject helps you feel better. Talk about the weather. Say something nice to a worker or to a child. You don't have to talk to anyone you know. Talk to a clerk at a grocery store, to someone in line, or to someone walking on the street. I used to talk to my pets a lot. Praying is like talking to (no one), and praying helps!
I know, too often, no one answers. No one has any real advice for you. That's OK. You will find your own answers.
Write here on RFM. This is open 24/7!
Please, please don't beat yourself up for feeling bad! Try to love yourself more, take care of yourself, be your own best friend. Only you can really understand what you are feeling.
I ran away, got protection, and got a divorce. Yes, the divorce "ruined my life" in Mormonism, but not outside the church. the legal divorce saved my life. Resigning from Mormonism was the only way I could break that temple sealing, though. You might end up leaving the Mormon church, because of the blame, demands, threats, and lack of love, as well as the lies. It's up to you. Maybe you need to focus on something outside yourself, such as a favorite hobby from childhood, or physical exercise, or a pet--whatever brings you joy.