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Posted by: New Name "Bubbles" ( )
Date: June 07, 2019 06:05AM

My ex sister-in-law died a couple of weeks ago, and when I searched for her obituary, the website of the cemetery's funeral home popped up, with separate sections to (1) write something to honor the deceased, (2) to write about memories, and to (3) leave condolences to the family. Plus, there was a separate section for "family". I have no idea where I fit in.

Most of the messages were from Mormons who had worked with my SIL in the temple, and expressed Mormon views, but also applied these views to my SIL and her after-life. My SIL's remaining adult child, her grandchildren, and her sister's family are not Mormons.

One Mormon woman wrote that my SIL was in the loving arms of her parents and her second husband and her two deceased children. Her two children committed suicide! Mormons used to preach that suicides would not go to the Celestial Kingdom, right? Those who believe the preached BS will feel really bad, when they read that post. Or do they believe that her two children will be an exception to the rules, because their mother and her husband paid a lot of tithing and went on multiple missions?

I often wonder what Mormons preach about suicide these days??? I, personally, don't believe God, regardless of who or what He is, would punish these souls at all.

Another Mormon wrote: "She missed [her second husband] very much, and I know that he was there to take her through the veil, mission companions once again." Her second husband had a nasty disposition, and he beat her, all the time! Her children hated him. She actually divorced him once, but he manipulated his way back into the house and would not leave. He had money, and he promised her the life of her dreams, and missions, and travel. She paid the price for that, and married him again.

Note: A temple-Mormon woman needs a temple-Mormon husband to "take her through the veil." Quickly, before the matrons come and shoo everyone off the furniture, so the next group can come through.

I suppose for some people, "mission companions, once again," for eternity is their idea of heaven. But, doesn't it mean they will be "ministering angels" and not celestial priests and priestesses? Well, it might be better than having constant sex with a man-God you share with other women, and being continually pregnant with children you will have to give away to other lives.

I thought I had escaped Mormons hijacking my funeral, by not having it in a Mormon ward house, and not inviting Mormons to speak or pray, etc., but I need to do more careful planning.

Do most mortuaries have a website? Can the family opt out of it?

This reminds me of stories on RFM by Cl2 and Don Bagley and others, who have had upsetting messages from Mormons left in their e-mail, or posted on their Fakebook page. Rather than have my children worry about blocking various TBM relatives and so-called "friends," commenting about my life and death, I would rather have them opt-out and un-plug, completely.

Also, am I required to write anything about my ex-SIL? The last time I saw her, she told me that she had always been jealous of me. She used to call me "the Indian" and "Pocahontas", behind my back, because of my darker skin, eyes, and long dark hair. I felt that was racist, and it hurt my feelings, but I ignored it.
She got mad at me for double-dating with my husband and my BIL (her ex), and his new "Lady", after they were divorced. My husband had forced me to, but she chose to blame ME for everything, and we did not part on the best of terms.

But she was my sister-in-law for 15 years, 30 years ago, and I still feel that attachment.

Being raised a Mormon, I need someone else to tell me what I should feel...what I should do....

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: June 07, 2019 08:24AM

No, you don't need to write anything about your ex-sister in law. Given how she treated you, I wouldn't.

If you pre-pay your funeral, you can make your wishes known in writing to the funeral home. Otherwise, you can make your wishes known in your will, and to the people who will be taking care of your remains and estate after your death. But what happens after that is out of your control.

IMO most people try to say kind things to the survivors and on funeral home pages . They don't worry so much about the specifics of religious belief. It is more common than not to comfort a survivor by saying that their loved one is now in the care of departed family members and friends. I wouldn't worry too much about it. These are just standard comforting things that people say.

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Posted by: tumwater ( )
Date: June 07, 2019 09:37AM

You asked," Do most mortuaries have a website? Can the family opt out of it?"

Yes most mortuarys have web site, you can request that nothing be posted about you or loved one when funeral arrangements are being made.

How ever because of the cost of publishing a full obituary in a local newspaper, they will have a short notice printed with a link to the funeral home. The FH generally don't charge extra for the service, it's generally included in their basic costs.

When M/D died, the FH submitted the obituary to the newspaper for you and tacked the charges to the bill.

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: June 07, 2019 10:10AM

Sounds as though she had a sad and bitter life.

Losing two children to suicide, then re-marrying an abusive ex-husband ...

She was not a happy person.

May she R.I.P. As for 'celestial' happiness, I can only hope she is reunited with her children on the other side of the vale, because if there is a heaven then they will be there.

And so will she.

Heaven is big enough for all the ones who didn't fit in with the celestial kingdom types in the Mormonese religion. The misfits. Heaven is for the uglies, those who were disabled. The retarded. The misfits. They too will be there, and will be made whole. Or what's a heaven for?

Take it as a compliment she referred to you as Pocahontas. Pocahontas was a princess. You made her feel insecure through no fault of your own. Insecurity was one of her weaknesses that she fed on to her detriment. Otherwise you might have had a totally different and healthier relationship with her had she not felt so insecure around you. Interesting she was able to pony up and express that to you the last time you two spoke. Maybe it was a type of confession on her part of why things were so strained between you?

Emotions are not objective. They are feeling based. Jealousy is like that. That she was jealous of you speaks volumes. But that she was able to tell you that in her later years denotes a level of maturity by her that she was able to come to terms with it and possibly in her own way to apologize for her irrational and rude behavior.

Sorry for your loss. Your ex-SIL sounds like an evil sister you had to put up with for a long time, but she wasn't as much evil as she was sad and miserable for all those years. I cannot imagine losing two children to suicide. The pain of that would be unbearable.

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Posted by: New Name "Bubbles" ( )
Date: June 07, 2019 03:55PM

Thank you-all, for your comforting words.

As much as I dislike the Mormon cult, and with all the problems it has created in my life, I can see that it brought my SIL a great deal of comfort. I'm sure my SIL didn't believe in the Mormon view of suicide, though, but she did believe in the Heavenly reunion with loved ones, and eternal marriage, etc. I wonder how she was able to work in the temple in her last years, believing that she was sealed for eternity to a wife-beater. That would be hard to accept.

Perhaps Mormons believe that Celestial beings will be perfected, and "made whole" again?

I do accept the Mormons' rights to alter their beliefs, in order to avoid going crazy with grief, no matter how silly that is. The thing is, that Mormon religious beliefs are always skewed AGAINST non-Mormons. I still don't understand jealousy and competition against others.

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Posted by: exminion ( )
Date: June 08, 2019 05:01AM

Welcome to RFM, Bubbles.

Sorry about the death of your SIL. Even though it's been 30 years, a death is emotional. You are also re-living painful parts of your own past, along with hers. We tend to pile on all the other deaths, as well, on top of the newest death which is what I do, and our losses pile up on top of each other. It's the natural mourning process, and you should start feeling better soon. Allow yourself time to mourn.

Summer is right. You don't need to write anything at all on the website. You don't need to communicate at all, unless you want to. I've got a very dysfunctional, complicated, shunning TBM family, on all sides, and we have had a lot of deaths, lately. I always write something--either a condolence to the people I know, or some brief anecdotes about the deceased, if I don't know their survivors all that well. It just makes me feel better, that's all.

If you decide to write something, here are a few tips that have worked for me:

First of all, what is your objective? Who are you writing this for? For her adult child? Did you know any of her siblings or other relatives? If so, make the proper condolences.

Are you writing this to honor her? Are you proving to others that you are a good person, savvy, polite? Are you writing to comfort yourself? It’s all good. This might help you “find your voice.”

Be positive about her life, glad of your memories. Don’t mention the bad stuff AT ALL, like the Mormons have done.

Keep it as brief as possible. (yeah, coming from me….)

Keep your language simple and direct. Being too flowery and using too many adjectives could make it seem less genuine.

Write one or two positive, interesting, or amusing stories, that illustrate who she was, at her best, the young mother you remember, before tragedy struck, and before she shunned you. Everyone has redeeming qualities.

You don’t need to eulogize, if you are more specific. For example, instead of saying, “She was thoughtful and giving, kind and generous”, say, “Every Christmas, she would take us to The Nutcracker” or “She would bake us the best chocolate chip cookies!,” or some other example that would illustrate kindness.

Try to not "go down the rabbit hole" into the past. Get outdoors, even in the rain, and go for a walk, pet a cat, call a friend, weed the garden, whatever gets your mind off of things.

You can't do anything about your SIL, now.

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Posted by: abby ( )
Date: June 10, 2019 02:33PM

New Name "Bubbles" Wrote:

> I often wonder what Mormons preach about suicide
> these days??? I, personally, don't believe God,
> regardless of who or what He is, would punish
> these souls at all.
For more than 10 years, their view is we are not to judge. No one knows what is going on in their mind when it happens.

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Posted by: cludgie ( )
Date: June 11, 2019 05:09PM

We should have a non-American board member offer what they think about American obituaries. They're so long and weird, mostly poorly written, and like we care if the guy loved taking his grandkids out to Baskin- Robbins.

I have a knack for randomly looking at the obits and finding someone I knew. It's spooky. Not long ago I found that my blood enemy had died, a guy with whom my wife had secretly had a sexual relationship while engaged to me. So I left a comment on the Legacy site, calling into question the part where it said that he was a "devoted" member of the LDS church. Naturally, the comment was removed, but at least someone had to see it and read it, which was cathartic.

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Posted by: New Name "Bubbles" ( )
Date: June 11, 2019 07:39PM

Thank you for the good tips, and for answering my questions.

Cludgie--I didn't think of using that sort of website to get in the last word. Yikes--all the more reason to not have any funeral website at all.

The website for my sister-in-law also accepted photos, and there was a very unflattering picture of her thrown up there--probably by her ex-husband--not very kind--and no one has removed it.

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