Date: June 07, 2019 06:04PM
Thank you for your great post, and this thread, Done & Done.
Yes, yes, yes, you have explained exactly why Mormonism always bothered me so much--it turned me against my self.
I had to go to therapy, to understand that I had internalized all those Mormon ideas of hatred, prejudices, sexism, harsh judgments, Mormon superiority and entitlement, etc. I had been brainwashed that these skewed notions were CORRECT.
Always, forming the solid base of my Mormon "testimonys' was the idea that I was WRONG, bad, less-than. Nothing I could ever do would be enough to earn Love. All I could do was obey, pay tithing, get married in the temple, have BIC children, and help grow the church, but all I deserved was an eternity with a wife-beater I hated, and his other two subsequent temple wives, plus more wives for him, as he became a God. This would happen only if I I was very, very obedient. The cult, on its terms, was my only hope for salvation. No wonder I was filled with hopelessness and despair!
I hated myself. You just explained part of why I hated myself. I was punishing myself for NOTHING. I was and always had been a good person! I have never given up on being honest, loving, kind, obeying the laws, seeking the Truth, yet I never appreciated my good character. It was never good enough for the cult. In fact, the cult was against most of these good qualities.
Instead of being a Mormon SAHM, circumstances forced me out into the work force, in order to support my children. Luckily, I had a great career and made money, and my children flourished--BUT--I didn't put in enough time and money into the cult, and I was marginalized for that. You. Can. Not. Win.
Often, the Mormon-instructed "right thing to do" was something that went against my gut feelings. The examples of the creepy temple ritual, and old blood oaths (suicide vows) are spot-on. only very sick people would do those things to themselves.
Recovery is very slow. I still beat myself up, when I make mistakes, or most often, when I neglect to do enough.
I will use this new insight, as I continue the battle to be kinder to myself. Fortunately, I have put in the effort and awareness, to not beat up my children, like my TMB parents did. The Mormon abuse did stop with me, in the nick of time, and has not harmed any of them.
Interesting, Cl2, how you react against having someone else define you, put words into your mouth, tell you that you have feelings that you do not have, etc. The Mormons and my mother used to say, "Treat a person as if they were already the person you want them to be, and they will become that new person." Or something like that. They think that if they keep telling you that you still believe in Mormonism "deep-down," that soon you will start to believe that, yourself. Mormons are master manipulators.
Thanks to all of those who have helped make us aware of this.