Date: June 11, 2019 09:44PM
My dear AnonStar1--
You are still brainwashed! In other words, you are still under the evil spell of Mormonism, and you are victimizing yourself by some wrong thinking! Lies, and bad advice, can be corrected, and the process can be fun, actually. Also fun, is making even small changes. Wrong ideas, that you were taught as a child, does not make your life "wrong."
There's nothing "wrong" with you!
Caramel Dreams is right, about your self-talk. I'll try to illustrate this. This doesn't mean I don't understand your confusion and despair at this point. I was once suicidal, myself.
First of all, your being "bisexual" has little to do with religion, in general. You were just born that way. You mentioned a "medical transition", so maybe you are a male in a woman's body, or a female in a man's body, which is different than being bi. You will find your own way through this. Your sexuality is personal and private. Please no not ever talk about this to your bishop or any other Mormon leader. You might want to go to a good, not-Mormon therapist. I highly recommend therapy, for everything! For dealing with your sexual identity, for leaving your lifetime religion, for coping with your depression, for improving your family relationships, even a few visits to a licensed therapist can help you!
You write that you haven't "fully recovered." Leaving Mormonism has been traumatic for most of us. You say that you haven't fully recovered. Be patient with yourself. Many of us here on RFM have been out for 7,10, even 20 years, and we haven't fully recovered. We like to think we have improved, and are more normal now. This is what RFM is for. Most of us who still are upset by the Mormon cult have loved ones who are still Mormons, so the cult still effects our life, through our families. Some of us have marriages or careers effected by the cult. I'm dealing with schools and community politics, dominated by Mormons, and also, forever, with women's rights issues.
It is NOT--I repeat NOT--a "faith crisis"! That is a term that the Mormons made up to make it seem like it is OUR FAULT that we leave their cult.
I don't know your details, but probably you found out the truth--that it is a hoax perpetrated by a con-man, to scam money off of people. JS also used this "religion" to perpetuate polygamy. The Mormon church is and was rotten and corrupt, from the beginning, and you found out about their lies and secrets. Good for you! Maybe, like my own children, you didn't like being bullied and harassed, and made to feel like YOU didn't fit in, socially. The Mormon leaders actually kicked and hit my children, and the bishop's son tried to molest my little girl, on a church campout. There here are so many good reasons that so many good people leave that cult, every day. This has nothing to do with your worth as a human being.
The Mormons and their prophets accuse those who leave as "having a faith crisis" or to quote Thomas Monson, "are offended, lazy, and wanting to sin." We are accused of "following Satan." We are bound for outer darkness, and the Mormons shun us to put us there, and make us feel so terrible that we might come back to church. No one feels good, being treated so cruelly. I'm sorry for you, and for all of us, who have had to endure this. But the stories here on RFM are mostly success stories!
We here on RFM--and the rest of the world--would view you as being strong, intelligent, a seeker of Truth, and brave.
Much of your unhappiness comes from living a lie. I'm not talking about hiding your sexuality (sex is private) but hiding your dis-belief, especially from your family, when the cult is their whole life. Many posters here on RFM have done this, and it can be done.
You wrote: "The shunning would be unbearable." There has been a lot of writing here on RFM about shunning. It might help for you to read some of it. Shunning hurts, at first. It made me cry, at first. I lost all of my Mormon friends in the ward, and we had lived here for 30 years. Some of us have lost spouses and even parents to shunning. My in-laws completely dis-owned and dis-inherited us, and our children, when we resigned. But, the children and grandchildren who stayed under their influence, and in that weird lifestyle came to a very bad end. We were the lucky ones, to get out. You never know, everyone's different, and maybe your family will accept you as an ex-mormon.
The shunning behavior eventually made me understand that the Mormon neighbors were never really my "true friends," in the first place. I actually didn't enjoy being around them at all, as their arrogance, prejudice, and negativity depressed me. They used my teaching and organ skills, and that was all. I was not gay, but I was DIVORCED, which was bad, and I was a mother who worked outside the home, which was also bad. The Mormons will always find something to criticize and judge in you.
Mormonism is notorious for making you feel bad about yourself! This low self-esteem is difficult to overcome.
You wrote: "I failed college....I'm terrified of relationships....I'M pretty much useless in the church." I had exactly these same thoughts, plus, "I'm failing as a mother, and in my career, etc." I thought I would be "less than", for the rest of my life. NOT SO! After I left the cult, I went on with my life, the best way I knew how. My work colleagues, children, clients, and true old non-Mormon friends were NOT judging me and NOT shunning me. The reality was, that I was really just fine!
So are you! Look deeper into your self-judgments. What do you mean by "I failed college." Were you sick? Were you not inspired or motivated? Maybe your interests are elsewhere. I did not do well at BYU, because I was not happy there--something was off--the religion classes, the dress codes, being mugged and robbed on campus, the overcrowded boring classes--those things bothered me! I almost quit, but, instead transferred to the U of Utah, got straight A's, and completed graduate school.
Do not take ALL the blame for everything; however, you are right to take some responsibility, like you are doing in your post, because realistic attitude makes it possible for you to change things. I see knowledge, problem-solving, and happiness in your future!
You wrote: "I'll probably live alone." If you don't want to, then don't live by yourself! Are you going to punish yourself for the rest of your life? You have done nothing wrong, except you have discovered the Truth, and are figuring out how to deal with it.
What is "Living alone?" You don't have to have sex with everyone you live with or are friends with. You can advertise for roommates, or life with one of your siblings. I have lived "alone" for 30 years, if "alone" means being not married. I hated marriage, and am happier than most married people I know. When I lived totally alone in my house, with my dog and cat, for 5 years, I loved the solitude and freedom. It isn't all that bad. Now, I live with a family with noisy little children, ages 1-11, and I love it. It's all good. Happiness is what you make of it.
You wrote: "I will stay as I am." There's nothing wrong with that, either. You seem like a very cool person! You can live within visiting distance of your parents, but you don't have to be in the same ward, and in our Free Country, you are free to worship any way you please. If people ask why you aren't married, you don't need to explain. Like you said, having children is a Mormon obligation. The rest of the world is leaning toward slowing the population growth. A lower percentage of people are getting married, and they're getting married older. The Mormon way isn't the only way to live.
I wish you well on your path of breaking free of that confining cult, and thinking on your own.
Try another college. Older students do much better. If you like your job, keep it. If you like living at home, stay, and be that cool Uncle or Aunt.
There are so many choices you can make! Check them out!