. . . then my advice is to not embrace extraordinarily weird beliefs in the first place.
Second bit of advice: Don't then attempt to peddle your weird Mormon beliefs to a public audience that is way too smart for you.
It is precisely because of Mormonism's wild, wacky and weird beliefs that thin-skinned LDSers are now being publicly confronted with such brilliant satire as the hit Broadway musical, "The Book of Mormon."
To be sure, those messianic-minded missionaries of Mormondumb whose devotion to silly notions is sweepingly summed up in song and satire courtesy of the production's signature set piece, "I Believe,"
There, in brilliantly choregraophed verse, are spotlighted Mormonism's latter-day laugh lines--gargantuan goofiness that is eternally guaranteed to bring on the chuckles but not to bring in the converts (despite what Mormons might wish to firmly believe otherwise). These foundational funnies include:
--Ancient boat-building and -sailing Jews floating to America
--Jesus inhabiting his own planet
--God dwelling on a planet called "Kolob"
--Mormons getting their own planets
--The current president of the Mormon Church speaking directly to God
--Non-Mormons who don't accept Mormonism being in the grip of Satan
--The Mormon God changing his mind on Black people in 1978
--The Garden of Eden being located in Jackson County, Missouri
Hear and see it here, in all its wonderful, marvelous, devastating humor and insight:
("I Believe," from the Broadway musical "The Book of Mormon," performed by Andrew Rannells, 2011 Tony Awards, at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0obdZf9x2o)
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Why will Mormonism never be taken seriously by the planet at large? Let us count the ways.
From the "Top 10 Bizarre Mormon Beliefs":
"1. Multiple Worlds and Multiple Gods
"This deserves some explanation. Mormons believe that God created multiple worlds and each world has people living on it. They also believe that multiple Gods exist but each has their own universe. We are only subject to our God and if we obtain the highest level of heaven we can become gods ourselves."
"2. Forgiveness
"In LDS theology you can be forgiven for any sin, save two. First, denying the Holy Spirit, and second, murder. Also, God is infinitely forgiving, until the second coming. After that, you end up where you end up, no matter what. There are no second chances. Period.
"3. Multiple Heavens
"In LDS doctrine there are three heavens: the Celestial Kingdom, Terrestrial Kingdom, and Telestial Kingdom. The Celestial is the highest, where God and the ones who followed his law reside. The Terrestrial is the middle, where people who followed the Law of Moses reside. The Telestial is the lowest, where the ones who followed carnal law reside.
"4. Priesthood
"In the LDS religion any worthy male can be given the priesthood and is given specific duties. Black people were not allowed to have the priesthood until 1978. Females are not allowed to have the priesthood.
"5. The Nature of God
"While most religions believe in God, the LDS religion believes in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit as separate beings. They also believe that God, Jesus and resurrected beings have bodies of 'flesh and bone.'"
"6. Jesus Visited the Americas
"The 'Book of Mormon' is a book of LDS scripture that takes place during the same time as the Bible and takes place on the American continent. It follows the stories of two tribes who descended from the family of Lehi. After Jesus’ resurrection LDS people believe he visited the peoples of the Americas.
"7. Modern Revelation
"Almost everyone who knows anything about the Mormon religion knows they have a prophet. What many don’t know, is anything that the prophet says in official capacity is considered official canon."
"8. Spirits
"This one is very unique to the LDS faith. Basically, everyone on earth now was a spirit in the pre-existence. When we die, our spirits are separated from our bodies and if we were good they go to 'spirit paradise.' If we were bad they go to 'spirit prison.' The spirit world exists as a place for spirits to go while awaiting the second coming.
"9. Pleasure in Life
"This is one of the most famous pieces of LDS doctrine. It’s also the cause of many myths about Mormons. Basically; no coffee, no drugs, no tobacco."
"10. Tithing
"While tithes are not uncommon among religion, rarely are they mandatory. LDS theology states that in order to make it to the highest kingdom of heaven, you must pay a full and honest tithe."
("Top 10 Bizarre Mormon Beliefs," posted by "Mystern," 4 February 2008, at:
http://listverse.com/2008/02/04/top-10-bizarre-mormon-beliefs/)
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Add to the above a few more latter-day laughers, mixed in with a bit of what you just read:
"Most religions have one or two unusual practices or devices but occasionally you find one which is just completely weird. This list contains ten of the more unusual things found in modern religions."
"[At Number 1]: Mormom Temple Garments
"In some denominations of the Latter Day Saint movement, the temple garment (or the Garment of the Holy Priesthood, or informally, the garment or garments) is a set of sacred underclothing worn by adult adherents who have taken part in a ritual ceremony known as washing and anointing ordinance, usually in a temple as part of the Endowment ceremony. Adherents consider them to be sacred and may be offended by public discussion of the garments. Anti-Mormon activists have publicly displayed or defaced temple garments to show their opposition to the LDS Church.
"According to generally-accepted Mormon doctrine, the marks in the garments are sacred symbols. One proposed element of the symbolism, according to early Mormon leaders, was a link to the 'Compass and the Square,' the symbols of Freemasonry to which Joseph Smith (creator of Mormonism) had been initiated about seven weeks prior to his introduction of the Endowment ceremony."
See the picture here:
{"10 Weird Religious Practices," at:
http://listverse.com/2007/08/13/10-weird-religious-practices/)
Of course, Biblical Christian evangelists see nothing funny in Mormonism at all. What they see is hellfire and damnation for Mormons who don't see the light and come to the fundamentalist Christian version of Jesus.
What the Broadway production "The Book of Mormon" does is open to door to asking LDS missionaries about what they won't tell you at your door--much of which evangelical Christians are more than happy to tell you about (praise God!):
"Facts: Mormons Won't Tell You When They Call at Your Door"
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they believe your church is wrong, your Christian creeds are abomination to God and your pastor or priest is a hireling of Satan.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that there is salvation only in their church--all others are wrong.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that those who have been through their temples are wearing secret underwear to protect themselves from 'evil.' This 'evil' includes non-Mormons like you.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU about their secret temple rites at all. If they did, you would spot them as non-Christians immediately.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they think 'familiar spirits' are good and that their 'Book of Mormon' has a 'familiar spirit.' . . .
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that women receive salvation only through their Mormon husbands and must remain pregnant for all eternity.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they intend to be gods themselves someday and are helping to earn their exaltation to godhood by talking to you.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they intend to have many wives in heaven, carrying on multiple sex relations throughout eternity, until they have enough children to populate their own earth so they can be "Heavenly Father" over their own planet!
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that you were once a spirit-child of their Heavenly Father and one of his numerous wives before you were born on earth.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that the Virgin Mary really wasn't a virgin at all but had sex relations with their heavenly Father to produce the Mormon version of Jesus Christ.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they believe Jesus had at least three wives and children while he was on this earth.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that the 'Heavenly Father' they ask you to pray to with them is really an exalted man that lives on a planet near the starbase 'Kolob,' and is not the Heavenly Father of the 'Bible' at all.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that Jesus was really Lucifer's brother in the spirit world, and it was only due to a 'Heavenly Council' [or, as Mormons more commonly say, a 'Council in Heaven'] vote that Jesus became our redeemer instead of Satan!!
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that there are over one hundred divisions in Mormonism. They conveniently 'forget' this while criticizing the many denominations within the body of Christ.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that all their so- called scriptures such as the 'Book of Mormon,' 'Pearl of Great Price,' 'Doctrine and Covenants,' and even their official 'Mormon doctrine' statements contradict each other on MAJOR doctrinal points. The 'King James Bible' is likewise contradicted.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that the reason the 'Book of Mormon' has no maps is because there is not one scrap of archaeological evidence to support it!
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that the state of Utah, which is predominately Mormon, has a higher than the national average of wife-beating, child abuse and teenage suicide.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that their prophet Joseph Smith was heavily involved in the occult when he founded Mormonism.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that that they encourage visitations from dead relatives from the 'spirit world' . . . .
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that there are many accounts of Joseph Smith's First Vision besides the one they present to you and all are different.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that their secret temple oaths are based on the Scottish Rite Masons.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that before 1978 they considered the 'Negro' race inferior, and even one drop of 'Negro' blood prevented a person from entering their priesthood.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they expect Christ to return to their temple in Missouri but they haven't built the temple he's supposed to return to because they don't own the property. (It is owned by the 'Temple Lot Mormons' who have plans of their own, and won't let the Salt Lake City group buy it).
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they consider the 'Bible' to be untrustworthy and full of errors.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that Jesus' death on the cross only partially saves the believer. . . .
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that on their Salt Lake City Temple they prominently display an upside-down star which is a Satanic symbol known as the Goat's head. Why?
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that they believe the Archangel Michael came down to earth with several of his celestial wives and became Adam in the Garden of Eden. . . .
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that their Prophet Joseph Smith prophesied falsely many times. For example, he foretold the second coming of Christ for 1891. . . .
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that their Prophet Joseph Smith did not die as a martyr as they claim, but was killed during a gun battle in which he himself killed two men and wounded a third.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU about the Mountain Meadows Massacre in which they brutally murdered an innocent wagon train of settlers of over one hundred men, women and most of the children, traveling through Utah.
"MORMONS WON'T TELL YOU that Joseph Smith taught that there were inhabitants on the moon, and Brigham Young taught there were inhabitants on the sun as well!
"WHY WON'T MORMONS TELL YOU THESE THINGS?
"The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints--the Mormons-- are well aware that if these facts were known to the convert prior to baptism, they would have very few converts! The missionaries are well-trained to keep most of these facts from their potential converts.
"Tragically, many Mormons may not even be fully aware of the doctrines and history of their own church. . . . Mormons are encouraged to check out their own publications for documentation of the above. After all, if the Mormon Church . . . has the truth, it can stand any amount of investigation. . . .
"More Points 0that Mormons won't tell you about]:
"Mormons will not tell you [the facts] before you join the church and probably never will if you don't ask the right questions.
"The founder of Mormonism was Joseph Smith . . . [who was] thought of as a Prophet by the Mormon people. To be a Mormon you have to accept him as being a true prophet of God.
"Here is a statement by Joseph Smith and what he thought of himself:
"'I have more to boast of than any man had. I am the only man that has been able to keep a whole church together since the days of Adam. A large majority of the whole have stood by me. Neither Paul, John, Peter nor Jesus ever did it. I boast that no man ever did such a work as I. The followers of Jesus ran away from him, but the Latter-day Saints never ran away from me yet.' ('History of the Church,' Vol. 6, pp. 408-09. 1884). . . .
"Today, many people believe this organization to be just like any other mainstream Christian religion. However, quite the opposite is true. When the true beliefs of Mormonism are listed, there is little doubt that this organization is far from being Christian. Following are the things Mormon missionaries WON'T tell you when they come to your door:
"1) Listed in their first 'Articles of Faith,' the claim is: 'We believe in God the eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost,' This is not the whole truth. What they do not say is that their belief is these are THREE SEPARATE gods. Christians believe in ONE God, in three persons.
"2) Mormonism teaches that if a Mormon couple 'seals' themselves in a Mormon, pagan, ritualistic ceremony, they too can someday become gods. They will rule over their own planet and the wife, the 'goddess,' will have spirit babies that will populate this planet for all eternity. Mormonism believes that there are billions and billions of gods ruling over billions of planets in the universe.
"3) The LDS believe that God was once an imperfect man who attained godhood, was given his own planet to rule over--Earth--and now resides near the star KOLOB.
"4) Mormonism teaches that the Bible is unreliable, missing parts and is poorly translated. Yet Mormon scriptures, 'The Book of Mormon,' 'Doctrine and Covenants' and 'The Pearl of Great Price' are all God's perfect, pure word. Mormons believe that because the 'Bible' is imperfect, there was the need for the 'Book of Mormon (BOM)' that was supposedly given to the 'prophet' Joseph Smith by an angel called 'Moroni.' Mormons believe Smith put a stone in his hat, and translated this book from gold plates, by reading sentences through this stone. No one has ever laid eyes on these plates.
"There is absolutely not one shred of proof that any of the places in the Book of Mormon, or any of the tribes or battles told of, ever existed on earth, no less in America. There is zero archaeological proof to support anything in the 'BOM.' . . .
"5) Mormons believe, contrary to what the 'Bible' says, that Jesus is not only Lucifer's BROTHER, but that He was conceived by God who came in the flesh to Mary, and when they had physical relations, Mary conceived Jesus. The 'Bible' says that Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit. . . .
". . . Mormons believe that the 'Bible' is God's revelation to the Jews and the East, while the 'Book of Mormon' is his revelation to the Americans and the West.
"Unfortunately, there is no scientific, historical or archaeological evidence to support the claims of the 'BOM.' Over 25,000 words and phrases from the 'King James Bible' appear verbatim in scattered sections of the BOM, including several from the New Testament. References to advanced civilizations, two million Jaredites, steel implements and a compass all represent gross historical blunders made by the naive Smith as he 'dictated' the book to Oliver Cowdery.
"Smith's prophecies were false, including one where he proclaimed that he would possess the house he built in Nauvoo 'forever and ever' and that his seed would live there after him 'from generation to generation.' But the house was destroyed after his death and his descendants moved to Independence, Missouri."
Still more of what Mormons won't tell you:
"Plurality of gods: Smith said, 'The doctrine of the plurality of gods is as prominent in the "Bible" as any other doctrine. It is all over the face of the 'Bible.'
"Mormons basically believe that God the Father had a father, and so on. They also believe that the gods were once men. In Smith's famous sermon at the funeral of Elder King Follett in 1844, he said, 'God himself was once as we are now, and is an exalted man, and sits enthroned in yonder heavens!' Lorenzo Snow, fifth president of the Mormon Church, put it this way: 'As man is, God once was; as God is, man may become.'
"Humanity of God: Smith taught that God has a 'body of flesh and bones' as tangible as a man's body. He also believed humans could become male and female gods. 'Here then is eternal life,' he said, 'to know the only wise and true God; and you have got to learn how to be gods yourselves . . . from exaltation to exaltation, until you attain the resurrection of the dead . . . and sit in glory.' Brigham Young taught that Adam was God.
"Sexuality of God: Mormons identify Christ with Jehovah, the first-born of Elohim's (God's) children. Thus, they distinguish two separate persons from the names of God. Jesus Christ, they believe, was the product of the physical union of God (Elohim) and the Virgin Mary.
"In turn, they believe Jesus was polygamously married to Mary, Martha and the other Mary at the wedding at Cana. Since Mormons teach that only those whose marriages are sealed for eternity can ever become gods, it was virtually 'necessary' for them to believe Jesus was married. Unmarried people can only hope to become angels.
"Salvation by works: Mormons reject the doctrine of justification by faith. Mormons teach that four elements are necessary for one's salvation: 1) faith, 2) repentance, 3) baptism and 4) laying on of hands. Mormons believe that one must be baptized by immersion by the Mormon Church in order to be saved. All others will be lost.
"Celestial marriage: Full exaltation--the highest Mormon heaven--requires that a married couple be sealed to each other for both time and eternity in a temple ceremony. Those who have been so sealed will live together forever with their children and will continue to have sex and procreate more children for all eternity. In their original teachings, Mormons also believed men could be married to several wives for all eternity.
"Exclusivity of salvation: Joseph Smith believed that the 'everlasting gospel' had been revealed to him alone in the 'Book of Mormon. ' . . .
"Recently, the Mormon church claims to be Christian. Yet in its history it has taught:
"--that polygamy is the only way to Mormon heaven (see 'Doctrine and Covenants,' Section 132, v. 4);
"--that Jesus was begotten through a sexual relationship between God the Father and Mary;
"--that Jesus and Lucifer are brothers;
"--that Mormons will become 'gods and goddesses' and enjoy the eternal pleasure of celestial sex; and
"--[that]Mormon doctrine still justifies the evil practices of blood atonement.
"There are an estimated 25-30,000 polygamist Mormons today. Those who take Mormonism seriously must be polygamist because it is taught in Mormon scripture ['D&C' 132]:
"'For behold, I reveal unto you a new and EVERLASTING covenant and if ye abide not that covenant; then ye are damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory . . .
"'Abraham received concubines, and they bore him children; and it was accounted unto him for righteousness, because they were given unto him, and he abode in my law . . . .
"David also received many wives and concubines . . .
"'And again, as pertaining to the law of the priesthood--if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else. . .
"'But if one or either of the ten virgins, after she is espoused, shall be with another man, she has committed adultery, and shall be destroyed; for they are given unto him to multiply and replenish the earth, according to my commandment, and to fulfill the promise which was given by my Father before the foundation of the world, and for their exaltation in the eternal worlds . . . .'" . . . [W]at the Mormon missionaries WON'T tell you BEFORE they baptize you . . . .'
" . . . [W]hat most people 'know' about the Mormon church and its teachings is generally through what they see on television (i.e., in their 'wholesome' pro-family advertising) or through the clean-cut missionaries that come to their door.
"HOWEVER, it is impossible to understand the true teachings of the Mormon church just from these sources. What you see on television and what the missionaries present to you is the 'sanitized version' of Mormonism.
"The television ads as a rule tend to present Mormonism as just another 'Christian denomination' that has the standard Christian beliefs. Although, they do refer to 'families being together for eternity' in one particular ad--a veiled reference to the Mormon 'Plan of Eternal Progression' (which basically says that God was once a man and that good Mormons can become God too and rule over their own planet).
"As for the Mormon missionaries, they will spoon-feed you a carefully orchestrated series of . . . 'discussions' that will not include any of their more precious 'truths'--they will say, if asked, that it is a matter of 'milk before meat' or they may call it 'lying for the Lord.' Their objective, of course, is to make 'converts' no matter what the cost. Call it what you like, it is still just plain lying!
"Some of the more 'precious' truths that they omit are:
"--the Adam/God doctrine (basically this says that Adam was God);
"--secret signs, handshakes, and passwords which are necessary to reach the highest level of heaven (where you too may become a "god" in your own right--otherwise known as "eternal progression");
"--sacred underwear (known as generally as 'garments' but officially as "the Garment of the Holy Priesthood");
''--Jesus born of a 'physical' relationship between Mary and God (i.e., NO virgin birth);
"--Jesus was married and had kids (nowhere is this evident in the 'Bible');
"--blood atonement (basically this dates from early church teachings that say that if you commit 'murder, then Christ's atonement on the cross is not sufficient to 'cover' this; that you need to have your 'own' blood shed before it is possible for you to be 'forgiven' and go to heaven); [and]
"--plural marriage (polygamy); etc."
("Facts Mormons Won't Tell You When They Come to Your Door, Part I," at:
http://www.mmoutreachinc.com/mormons/facts.html; original empahsis)
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Mormons, in short, won't go into the inconvenient details of what they truly believe. It's simply too over-the-top stupid to be accepted by rational human beings.
OK, then, so call me "anti" if you wish. I plead guilty to being "anti," as in anti-dumbness.
It appears that a lot of Mormons aren't smart enough to get that.
To sum it all up in a Mormon nutty shell:
Many of the beliefs of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are hokey, flimsy and not ready for prime time.
But never fear. The Broadway musical, "The Book of Mormon," goes where True-Believing Mormons fear to tread.
See you at the box office. :)
ENCORE!!!:
("I Believe," from the Broadway musical "The Book of Mormon," performed by Andrew Rannells, 2011 Tony Awards, at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0obdZf9x2o)
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Edited 8 time(s). Last edit at 06/21/2011 01:14PM by steve benson.