Greetings friends! I haven't had much time to write recently since my mother took a bit of a downturn in health. She still has her mental faculties and hearing (real blessings) but her overall physical strength is deteriorating. She has lost her appetite for food. The nursing home has a policy that they will not force anyone to do anything they do not want to do so nobody will feed my mother. One of the main reasons Mom will not eat is that the food is horrible, over processed, greasy, salty, and the same menu is repeated day after day. To get Mom to eat I now have to cook her meals at home, take them to her, and feed her by hand because she has such diminished strength. The only help the nursing home offered was canned protein drinks that Mom detests and refuses to drink. So, my life has been about cooking and feeding my mother which leaves little down time. Mom has been eating with relish ever since I started cooking for her.

Yesterday, after two years and seven months without visiting my mother once, my NPD-ed sister arrives on the scene. Remember, she's the one who lives three miles away and said it was a HIPA violation for her to visit Mom in the nursing home because she was a nurse. ??????? She isn't even a nurse anymore because her license has not been renewed for three years.

Soooo, Sis walks into Mom's room with this weird look on her face saying "I had to come because I heard you calling my name." Her face is all pious looking as if it was a message from God or something. Mom just looked at her and said, "I didn't call you!" YAY Mom! Sis kept up the act. She has taken to acting like she is now very close to God and Facebooks all kinds of religious garbage on her website.

Sis kept up the pious routine until it came down to the REAL reason she was there. Sis, a spending/shopping addict is flat broke and really cannot wait one more minute for Mom to die so she can get her hands on Mom's money. She's mad as heck that Mom doesn't die, and doesn't allow anyone to call into the nursing home to find out her physical condition. She told Mom that if she wasn't going to allow the nursing home to talk to her about her physical condition (i.e. IS SHE DYING) then she wouldn't come to visit her again. Then she stormed out of Mom's room and slammed the door, which is her usual way of departing after visits with Mom.

Mom has Sis's number and knows that her only interest in her is when she is going to die and when the money will be coming. Mom thinks Sis has probably tapped out all her friends and children and cannot get any more loans. This makes me wish Mom could live to be WAY past 100 years because there won't be any money at that point.

My loving, saintly, sister once told me that it is her greatest fear that she will die before Mom dies and she won't see a penny of her inheritance. Since she has become so religious and pious I replied, "If you are dead then you won't need it will you? And, you will be in the loving arms of your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. What could be better than that?" That went over like a lead balloon.

Just had to share what's new in our "Happy Family".

and money. We certainly have had our share of drama and mismanagement of money by a family member and had to take her to court. She saw it as her right to spend any money no matter what our parents had said.

It won't get better. It is probably better your sister doesn't visit your mom. Is there any way you can stop her from doing so? AND I certainly wouldn't let her be alone with your mother.

P.S. You are being the saint and you are doing a GREAT SERVICE for your mother. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It would be nice if you had SOMEONE who was on your side and helping you out. So, only 2 kids?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2019 12:57PM by cl2.

Yep, just us two. I used to wish I had more siblings until it dawned on me they could all be like my sis.

Yes. I have 9 and most of them aren't really who I want to hang with.

I have a brother who I am really close to. I was like a mother figure to him when we were young and so he is loyal to me and always will be. So no matter what else has been going on with my other siblings, I always have him. I feel really lucky.

The details are different (sometimes laughably so), but what you write here sure does FEEL like something I've been through before!

I have learned that in some families, death (or impending death) can reveal the innermost personal realities of a particular other person with seemingly supernatural clarity.

Thanks for all that goes into you fixing your Mom's food and taking it to her--I am sure she appreciates your daily efforts, and is very grateful you are her son.

You are one of the good guys.

Mom is very appreciative of everything I do. She's a sweetheart. She was always a wonderful mom and cooked hundreds of delicious meals for us growing up. She feels bad about being helpless. I just tell her it's my turn to return the favor.

Once, when I had a surgery, she flew cross country to take care of me. I don't know what I would have done without her.

It sounds like your sister is in a lot of debt, but that is her problem and not yours. I've done that daily run to the nursing home, and I know that it is very draining. It sounds like you are doing a great job. Hopefully your sister will slink off again and leave both you and your mom in peace.

If the past is any indication, Sis will go home, blow-up like a volcano at her kids and go crazy trashing Mom and me on Facebook and in text messages to her friends. It always gets back to me when she trashes us on social media. Then sis goes after the "friends" who repeated her rants to me. She never learns!

summer Wrote:
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> It sounds like your sister is in a lot of debt,
> but that is her problem and not yours.

Compulsive spenders and shoppers come in different degrees and varieties. One thing to be on the watch for--not that it's your business--is that she:

1) takes our her anger and hostility issues by more shopping, with the obvious result of increased debt.

2) she justifies more spending because of a vague, but convincing (to her) belief that more money is imminent and/or substantial.

3) Such people don't pay down debts. New money = more money to spend.

Although not your business, properly speaking, such a psychology may spill over into your relationship with you and your mother. Have you discussed her will and distribution of off-the-will items, such as jewelry, personal items, legacy stocks? Your sister sounds like someone who would hit your mother's old residence at first chance.

You nailed it. Seven years ago when my mother had an illness my sister pronounced that Mom was dying so we should start deciding who gets what after she dies. Sis went through the house and tagged everything she wanted. The only thing she didn't want was an old desk so she said I could have that. SEVEN years ago !!!!! Mom still isn't dead yet. I told Mom that I wanted her to decided who gets what of her belongings because I didn't want to go through a big fight. Mom put an addendum to her will that says whatever is left after she dies goes to me. EVERYTHING! For the most part my mother gave my sister many, many valuables including large sums of cash, A HOUSE free and clear, furniture, clothes, etc. Mom had given me none of those things so she stated I deserved to get what was left. The cash and stocks are all in a trust. Just the little leftovers go to me. Mom dealt with the house long ago. She basically gave away, sold, or donated her large things and there is only the few things in her nursing home room left. Sis will still be mad she didn't get every last belonging of Mom's. I'm pretty sure my sis will have nothing to do with me after Mom dies and that is just the way I want it.

The NPD will never leave you alone. After all, you're the victim she tortured first. You're related. You can't leave.

Every time she runs out of targets, she thinks of you.

Or that's my experience.

While talking with a friend one day, I discovered she had the same relationship with her sister. Her sister and her mother had about the same interactions that my sis and mother have now. Only thing different is that her mother has died. When her mother died the sister transferred all her aggression to her sister (my friend). My friend warned me that although her sister became generally happier because she got an inheritance, she transferred all her aggression to her. I'm expecting it to go the same way with my sister. That's why I'm prepared to move out of state when my mother dies. I've even told my mother this plan and she agrees that it might be a good idea. Plus, the weather here stinks. All my friends are retiring to better weather and I plan to follow.

Oh, and my friend's sister died of breast cancer two years ago so she's not dealing with her sis any more either. But her sister managed to poison her relationship with the nieces so they are basically not communicating as a family. Yeah, NPD takes a large toll on families.

Thank you for being a "good child". Your mother needs the nourishment you are making sure she gets. I agree most nursing homes have terrible food. My brother and I took Mom a lot of meals. I would check the menu on Sunday when I stopped to see what nights I knew she was going to be unhappy and made sure we brought something.

Your sister, she just needs to figure out her life and stop wishing your mother dead. What a horrible thing to wish for. Then again, my mother was wonderful and I still miss her everyday 11 years later.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/17/2019 03:56PM by sbg.

She fed you and you return the favor. There is a balancing of Karma.

There will be a huge hole in my heart when Mom dies. I have a friend who promises to come ASAP when that day comes. Otherwise I'd be alone on that day.

Sis is planning a very expensive funeral where she can cry and carry on about how much she loved Mom and how much she misses her. Sis loves to play the grieving child. She did it when Dad died and she had refused to talk to Dad for months before he died because Dad disagreed with her on some irrelevant issue. Of course, I'm expected to pay for it all. Yeah, right! Mom put it in her will that she wants no funeral or memorial because those who loved her saw her while she was alive. Again, sis will probably go into one of her meltdown rages. Oh, well....... C'est la vie.

My Aunt dissapeared for over 20 years. When her father, my Grandfather turned 75 she reappeared to "take care of him"

Unfortunately for her, he lived another 24 years.

She eventually move out of his house and on with her life once she realized how long she had to wait for "her" inheritance.

Your story brings to mind a lady at Mom's nursing home who is having her 106th birthday today. Her son is about to turn 80 years old and he is devoted to her care. Lucky for him he is quite wealthy and can hire supplemental care aids to help feed and talk to his mother when he cannot be there. Amazing how long people live these days. Another lady at Mom's nursing home lived to 103 and all her children had died before she did. That was sad.

My mother has said she doesn't want to live that long but she knows that we cannot always decide those things for ourselves. I'm happy to have her around as long as possible but I'd hate to have her suffer with a really long, painful death. So far she feels pretty well but is just weak and an invalid.

Here's what happened in my family.

My two older brothers (10 and 12 years older) and I all lived in different states, and we talked on the phone twice a week. I would travel back and forth to see each other every 6 months or so. The second-oldest never married, and when he got cancer, he designated the oldest brother as his Trustee and Executor for his Will. He discussed his will with me, and decided to leave half to me and half to our oldest brother. He talked about this often, and I kept changing the subject, because thinking about death was depressing. If my oldest brother or I were to die before he did, then our children would inherit our half. On my advice, he hired an attorney help with the Will, and it was notarized and legal.

It turned out that my oldest brother died of cancer, 3 weeks before my second-oldest brother. When second-oldest was dying in the hospital, he called me many times a day, and I said comforting words--but mainly he wanted to do the talking. He was intelligent and lucid, but a few times he was incoherent. I was very ill at the time, too, and unable to travel to go see him.

Four days before my brother's death, Nephew drew up a new Will, and had my brother sign it. My brother did not know what he was signing, because he could not read normal print, at all. The fake will was in unusually small print, and three short paragraphs. My brother told me that he had signed a document that would leave $15,000 to his best friend and close neighbor, who had been there to drive him to and from his doctor and chemotherapy appointments, and his wife had taken dinners to him--they deserved it. That was just the first paragraph.

The second paragraph of the fake will stated that all other previous Wills were null and void. Nephew was to be the Trustee, and the Executor of the Will, and all of my brother's estate, properties and possessions were to go to Nephew as the Sole Beneficiary.

My nephew was a known con-man, who had scammed my father and my uncle out of many thousands of dollars to back a business that never existed, and who had tried to steal from the family business, and never had a real job in his life, and was now living off of his dead father's money. He flew to where my brother lived, and moved into his condo (brother was in the hospital), and made a big media/facebook/e-mail splash that he had been "taking care of" my brother. In reality, he had never even visited my brother. My brother knew about Nephew's cons, but was a pushover, and thought Nephew was nice to drive all that way to see him. He gave Nephew the key to his condo.

Pooped, when you mentioned your sister's manipulation of Facebook and her ward friends, this reminded me of my nephew. I wonder if she is building an arsenal of credibility, and a backing of friends, to take her side in a fight for your mother's estate. She's obviously conning these people into believing she's a good person. Just like my nephew, who had a history of stealing, but was in the Mormon bishopric.

Nephew took over my brother's expensive condo, and said that my brother's best friend.who spoke at the funeral could not stay there, and that if I were able to come, I couldn't stay there, either. While my brother was still alive, Nephew had his son take my brother's car, fully loaded with family treasures, and my brother's very expensive antique collection. Though some of us had copies of the original legal Will, the original was never found. All of the papers, along with precious family photos, and my parents' pictures of my childhood, had vanished.

Nephew conned the people in my brother's ward, and wielded his priesthood bishopric power, and gave a flowery Mormon plan-of-salvation speech. No one knew that he had been released of his bishopric position, because of several con's he had tried with members of his own ward at home.

All this made me even sicker. Nephew's e-mails were nasty and arrogant. He sold the condo within a week. I sued the Nephew, thinking that there was little I could do, long distance. We hired local attorneys, and the notaries and witness couldn't be tracked down, bla-bla. Turns out that it is ILLEGAL in that state for the Executor and Beneficiary to be the same person! I won the lawsuit, and retrieved almost all of my share. Nephew told everyone that HE WON. My family and I will have nothing to do with the crook, but he behaves as though he is a holy Mormon, and acts like I'm the bad guy.

Just--beware. Make sure everything doubly air-tight, and legal. Give copies of your mother's Will to everyone who is willing to keep one in their files. You can add a clause in your mother's will that says: "Anyone who challenges this Will or attempts to make any changes will be immediately dis-inherited."

You make some very intelligent observations. In my favor, Sis is not the brightest bulb in the lamp. I don't think she would try to con me out of anything. She WOULD and HAS tried to ruin my reputation with her church friends but worse with her kids.

I originally had a really great relationship with her children because they had troubled relations with their Mom. But since I came home to help Mom, Sis has used every opportunity to trash me to her children and I think they are starting to believe some of her lies. I just sense that things have cooled with them. I don't think there is much chance Sis would try to cheat me thru Mom's will or trust because Mom has warned the bankers and attorney's that Sis is not trustworthy and is a spendthrift. They have been warned. Also, although I am an apostate to the church people, I have a really good reputation among the business men, lawyers, and bankers in town because I once worked in the banking industry here and they all know me. Mom's lawyer knows that I've been responsible and honest with all of Mom's business affairs so there is little to no chance Sis could find an attorney willing to go up against any attorney I would employ to defend me. Even the administrators at Mom's nursing home know I'm a straight shooter and Sis is emotionally disturbed. But I wouldn't really be terribly surprised if Sis did try to cheat me. She told her kids that I was taking money out of Mom's trust. I told them that if they really believed that lie they should instruct their mother to hire an attorney and contact the police. Then they should go to the trust company and ask the managers to investigate any withdrawals I've made. Since I have not taken one cent of my mother's money from her trust, their mother would be on the hook to her attorney for some sizable legal fees that I know she could never afford. If I'm guilty then I deserve to pay anything back and possibly go to jail. I left it up to them to do what they thought was right. They did nothing and I'm pretty sure they know their mother was lying.

And sadly, after she passes away, she may be the one to tell everybody how she was always there, selflessly looking after her, because the rest of the family didn't care.

The story she's telling now is that Mom doesn't want her to visit. She's also telling some kind of story that because Mom won't give her access to Mom's medical records, it would be a HIPA violation for her to come for visits. Only the dumbest of her friends believe that tale.

I suspect that when Mom dies I will become the evil one. Everything in her life that goes wrong has to be somebody else's fault so I suspect I will be the scapegoat for everything wrong in her life.

As my parents got older they let more and more slip regarding their opinions of my siblings. It reinforced what I was feeling.

Sorry to hear about all this, Pooped. I can understand the handle!

Something to think about if this hasn't been done is to get a trust set up for your mom. It sounds like she's probably still competent.

Not sure where you are, but if a person dies in California without a will or trust, the state decides what happens. In this case, if it's just you and Sis and no husband laying around, you and Sis would split the estate equally. That may not be what your mother wants. Talk it over with her. It really should be her decision, not the State's and definitely not your sister's.

You can get a will or trust (in the case of my wife and I, we both have trusts AND a will to toss anything into the trust that wasn't already in it...like our cars.) You may not need the trust depending on what assets remain. Talking to a lawyer now could save you tons of headache/heartache later. Your sister will probably not talk to you again after finding that mom probably cut her out...that sounds like a bonus here.

Good luck to you!

Thanks for your concern. Mom's will and trust are all in order. In fact, after Sis declared bankruptcy, Mom made a little change to insure that Sis could not go after my share. Mom is in her right mind and her lawyer and the nursing home staff know this.

Sis met with the nursing home staff after storming out of Mom's room. She tried to get information about Mom without Mom's consent. The staff stood in her way and she is furious. The staff at Mom's nursing home are of the opinion that Sis is Bat Ship Crazy.

I've warned Mom not to eat anything that Sis might bring her. She doesn't believe Sis would feed her anything poisonous but I can't say I go along with that opinion. I suggested she pass on any food presents that may arrive.

Pooped, your sister sounds like something I’d see on the ID channel. I’d be scared of her visiting your mom when she’s by herself and messing with something in her room. I hope your mom tells the nurses that she doesn’t want your sister to visit, unless you’re there. She’s only weak because she hasn’t been eating crappy institutional food.
Now that you’re feeding her, she’ll regain her strength, hopefully. I agree with what others say, make sure she has a Will and that your sister doesn’t try to file charges against you on anything or try to get guardianship over your mom.
( I don’t know your situation; I’m just thinking of the worse)
Why don’t you google and look up HIPA information and make copies of it . You can ask her to show you where it says that.LOL

Pooped, I have been thinking about you for a few days. I have been here, done this. NEVER EVER say Sis would not do XYZ. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. Things you think would never happen do. Just when you think you can't be shocked, they smack you upside the head. Protect your Mom, protect yourself and lock up the jewelry.

Thanks for your concern Susan. I have noticed that Sis's behavior is getting worse with age. I've noticed paranoia rearing it's head most recently. I'm most afraid of what Sis will do towards me after Mom is gone. She seems to still have a tiny bit of fear of Mom, I think because she fears being disinherited. But after Mom is gone she could say/do anything if she sees me as her enemy.

I'll stay on my toes for sure!