I have a good friend and neighbor who is TBM and, sadly, has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. :-(

Anyway, my friend has a very meager wardrobe, and virtually every piece of clothing she does own is from thrift stores and quite worn-looking. So, I would like to buy her a couple of comfortable sweaters and/or hoodies as a Christmas gift to cheer her up a bit. She is a stay at home mom, so I plan to buy things she can easily wash and wear and not have to stress about dry-cleaning, etc. (In other words, nothing cashmere or pure wool.)

Here is where I would appreciate advice:

1) Would certain types of clothing not be ideal for someone about to undergo breast cancer treatment? My friend has said she will need surgery (hopefully only a lumpectomy, but she doesn't know yet), most likely to be followed by chemo. Will breast surgery make it painful or uncomfortable for her to put on a pullover-type sweater? Should I stick to cardigans and zip hoodies? Will undergoing chemo make her very hot (or cold) so that I should avoid purchasing certain fabrics?

2) Since she wears LDS garments, are V-necks out if I do buy her a pullover style?

Any advice/suggestions appreciated. Thanks.

What a good friend you are. I think you will find that a couple of sweaters with wide necks will be okay. However, this reply should 'top' your question for more replies.

First, you are a good person.

Second, I am not: so when you drop off your presents, tell your TBM neighbor that you heard that if she would just pay an honest tithe, she'd be rich and in tip-top condition, healthwise. Tell her you read this in an old Improvement Era you found.

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> First, you are a good person.
>
> Second, I am not: so when you drop off your
> presents, tell your TBM neighbor that you heard
> that if she would just pay an honest tithe, she'd
> be rich and in tip-top condition, healthwise.
> Tell her you read this in an old Improvement Era
> you found.

Sadly, I am certain she and her husband are full tithe-payers. I hope her husband does the right thing and starts paying to hire part-time household help while she undergoes treatment and recovery.:-(

Heck, why would he have to do that?

The Relief Society is sure to be all over that situation! It'll give the preeners the opportunity to rub it in with regard what it's like to be blessed of the Lord.

Bitter? Me?

When my sister had her double mastectomy, the drains were left in place for nearly two agonizing weeks. Every time she lifted her arms it was very painful. Honestly for most if that time she laid in bed with no top clothes at all, or my mom would safety pin warmed towels into a sort of toga.

I hope earnestly that your friend doesn't require that deep of a cut. I would maybe focus on apparel for post-surgery chemo time. Zip hoodies and yoga pants were what my sister lived in. You can also set $$ aside for a variety of hats and scarves to anticipate hair loss, but buy those AFTER hair loss happens...some well meaning friend bought Sis a beautiful box of pashmina scarves and cute little knitted caps right before chemo started and it almost made her suicidally depressed, she never wore a single one, donated them all because opening that box was the moment the bubble of shock-induced denial burst.

Also, several sets of cheap slipper socks, one of those horseshoe shaped neck pillows for the chemo chair, and a nice travel throw were essentials in my sister's comfort bag.

Cardigans with zippers. Best wishes x.

What your friend may need in terms of clothing will depend upon the nature of her surgery. If any axillary lymph nodes are removed (it's not automatic anymore) either through axillary node dissection or even sentinel biopsy, her movement will be far more restricted than it otherwise would be because lymphedema is not exactly a walk in the park and is to be avoided at almost any cost.

Front closures for tops are practical. Zippers or buttons should be fine.

In terms of undergarments, it's all based on a woman's personal comfort, and what works for one may not work for another. My sister wore satin camisoles following her bilateral mastectomy until the weather got too hot, at which time I think she switched to thin 100% cotton ones. She didn't feel as though she needed any support prior to the reconstruction procedure, but she wanted coverage.

I'm a thoracic surgeon but haven't done mastectomies since my fellowship because I work almost exclusively in conjunction with a pulmonary medicine practice. It's not something I deal with anymore. I consulted with several thoracic surgeons who perform mastectomies on almost a daily basis when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer five months ago.

Anything at all that you can do for this friend will presumably be appreciated. If either she or her husband is excessively frugal, it might not be a bad idea to give her a gift card to a place that sells only women's clothing so that whatever you give her is less likely to be spent on anyone else in the family.

Thank you all for the replies; it is definitely helpful. I had bought my friend a fleece pullover yesterday in a color I know she loves, but then when I got it home I started to wonder if a pullover might be too difficult to take on and off after surgery. So, I will return it and get some zippered cardigans instead (already eying a few online).

I guess when it comes to her garments, she won't be wearing them (at least not on her torso) if she does have more invasive surgery, so I won't worry about necklines. Thanks again.

@ptbarnum, I hope your sister made a full recovery and is thriving now.

Thank you, she is in remission and doing well.

ask the American Cancer Society;

DON'T mention her LDS-ness!!

After BC surgery, it’s hard to raise your arms for a while. So, zippers are best. I had to wear hub’s garment tops. The temple matron told me that they are really a unisex garment.

Consider a donation to a breast cancer foundation in her name--maybe the hospital or clinic that's serving her?

Also, gift cards for restaurants that will deliver to her home when she's recovered enough.* Check with a breast cancer support organization for appropriate foods & cuisines. If her treatment involves a radical mastectomy, there are probably special catalogs of apparel and products.

A nice card with cash could be just what she needs (except they'd tithe on it?). Ask her husband.

*Edit: Consider what you can do for her family: bring groceries, cook meals, pick up or drop off children (even for church), do laundry, etc. People will say, "Oh, we're doing okay." No, they aren't! Work gently but firmly through polite refusals.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2019 12:05AM by caffiend.

I gifted my sister a beanie cap....lightweight & colorful.
She loved it.

I also sent her a throw blanket....very cozy & colorful.

She has stage 4 ovarian cancer...did surgery & chemo.

She's doing ok now.....but is doing genetic testing to determine what's next.

You're a good friend & neighbor.

Thank you everyone for the additional advice. I agree that the most helpful thing I could probably do is help out with everyday things like picking up my friend's kids from school, doing some laundry, etc., but unfortunately, I am in grad school full time, and it is truly a full time gig--both day and night classes plus a very intense internship. I also have young kids myself and already struggle balancing that with the demands of my degree program. There is no way I can help my friend's family out with errands, chores, etc. except maybe on a weekend, which I am quite willing to do, but she will need more frequent help than that.

I won't give her cash, either; yes, caffeind, I am afraid they would tithe on it. (I only buy her kids toys or gift cards when my kids are invited to one of her children's birthday parties, for exactly that reason.) Also, frankly, they are not low-income; they just live like they are, which is why I say I hope her husband will step up and do the right thing in terms of spending some money on a house cleaner, meals, etc. I know one can never know another household's financial situation in detail, but I would be truly shocked if they cannot afford at least someone to come in and clean once a week and have some meals delivered.

Also caffeind, you are right--great idea to make a donation in her name to Susan G. Komen or the American Cancer Society, etc. I will do that as part of a Christmas present to her. I'm still going to buy her some nice quality zippered hoodies too just because she deserves something nice and new!

Again, I truly appreciate the kind suggestions. They are very helpful.

tank tops with spaghetti straps.

I have always been more liberally endowed in that department than I would have liked, (and it didn't help that my mother brayed like a jackass and made horrible, tasteless jokes about my bust size when I was a hyper-sensitive young teen.)

After breast cancer surgery, I couldn't wear a bra for a while, but was too self-conscious to do the old college thing and go bra-less. The incisions (one to remove the lump, one to take under-arm tissue for a node biopsy) were too tender to allow a bra. I spent the first few days in nightgown and robe.

My daughter gave me a few tank tops that provided very gentle containment without hurting the surgical incisions. The immediate post-op period was in the summertime, and I'm retired anyway, so I could get away with a tank top and a favorite tee shirt without feeling exposed or embarrassed at all.

Those tank tops made all the difference for me during the post-op period. Best wishes to your friend, and I'm glad that she has YOU for a friend!!

As a breast cancer survivor, I can tell you that these were the most helpful things:

Having a meal purchased/delivered (Think Grub Hub or Postmates)

Numbing creams/Quality lotion/body cream - my breasts were too sore and sluffing off skin from radiation tx to put on cheap lotion where the first ingredient is alcohol

I was too sore for about 3 months after surgery/radiation to wear much of anything on top (most of the time just in bed naked from the waist up trying not to cry)

Take her kids somewhere for the day/afternoon so she can get some quality sleep.

Thank you for the additional suggestions! I appreciate it.

I hated that many gave unwanted advice about what I had to wear for my BC surgery and radiation treatments. I was not comfortable going bra-less and got tired of being told I had to wear only an undershirt or whatever. I also didn't like others assuming I needed repeated advice about soaps and such. I know about mild soaps and didn't need to hear the brands listed again and again every week of radiation.

Yet, my real questions usually were trivialized. I wanted to know if there was an alternative to tattoos. No one would address the question. They just tattooed me and put on a couple in the wrong places which I had removed later.

I also wanted to know the full plan before starting radiation. That didn't happen. I never knew of a probable ending date or how many boost doses of radiation I was expected to receive which turned out to be eight and seemed excessive to me. Having an overall plan would have helped me more than I can say.

I also would have appreciated knowing when the monitor in the open hallway was turned on and off. I never knew how long the passerbys were peering at my bare bosoms. Also, I would have liked those who walked in on me while I was on the table to have announced they were coming in and tell me why they were there. Every other medical room I've used has had everyone knock and introduce themselves if they enter, but not the radiation situation.

Many would say I'm overly modest and demanding. So be it. I grew up as a mormon girl.