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Posted by: kilgravmaga ( )
Date: December 29, 2019 03:13AM

Sac Meeting: "I am humbled to come before you today. When the bishop called me and asked that I speak today on the Law of Sacrifice. I was overwhelmed. I had just come home from PTA meeting and had to bake a batch of cookies for the relief society "cookies for thots" program. But, I knew that it is never right to say no to God's annointed.

So I picked up my kids from their volunteer stint at the Old Folk's home. Feed everyone a three course homemade dinner. I helped the kids with their homework and scripture studies.

So that night after my husband came home from his job as CEO of FLABBA JABBA Fintech and we had couple's prayer.

After prayer I knew I would have to devote at least two hours to preparing this talk. So I went online and was called to churchofjesuschrist.org. It was then that I felt the spirit whisper to me, "Do a search for conference talks, Sacrifice..."

Did you know that Jesus sacrificed himself as something called the atonement? A lot of churches teach that Jesus is a gay hippy. I am so glad that we do not teach such falsehoods.

It is a big sacrifice to stay in our church with such temptations as marijuana and lesbian porn. I know that as long as I keep true to the church, as I am doing. Me and my family will be blessed.

I say these things in the glorious name of even, Jesus the Christ"

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Posted by: slskipper ( )
Date: December 29, 2019 03:24AM

Amen.

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Posted by: Visitors Welcome ( )
Date: December 29, 2019 08:20AM


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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: December 29, 2019 10:22AM

Somehow I missed out on that temptation since I became a heathen.

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Posted by: caffiend ( )
Date: December 29, 2019 02:08PM


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Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: January 08, 2020 12:00PM

This subject is too sacred to talk about. Just like Joseph Smith was using the concept of polygamy to sexually assault people. These are things too sacred to openly discuss.

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Posted by: mobegone ( )
Date: December 29, 2019 06:45PM

It has been many years since I have borne my testimony on these boards. Yea, we used to have glorious testimony bearing contests on these boards. But then everyone got offended and stopped. Or I can only assume they got offended, it's the only reason anyone would stop bearing their testimony.

So I would be remiss if I did not bear my testimony today.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, with every fiber of my being, with every fiber supplement that my aging being needs, that this church is true. As many of you know, this was a hard year for me with my company not making the $50,000,000 it usually clears. And as I sat pondering how I wasn't going to be able to give the usual extra 40% I give in tithing, but rather only an extra 35%, the spirit spoke to me.

"Brother Mobegone", it said, "if thou will but give the usual extra 40% thou thee thy dost usually givest, thou wilt be blessed greatly for thy thine thou thine thee faith". I listened to the spirit and wrote the check, and brothers and sisters, the next day I learned that the value of both my European and South American beach houses went up by 10% more this year than expected. And I was able to refinance them and get the Australian beach house I have been wanting.

I hope this illustrates how we are blessed for our faith and obedience.

I say these things in the name, yea even the name, yea even the name that is the name, even he, verily he that is, that was, that will be, even the name.... actually I forgot the name now but whatever it is. Amen.

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Posted by: ellenbee ( )
Date: January 07, 2020 09:52PM

OMG, Mobegone, I almost fell out of my chair laughing at this. Brilliant!!!

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Posted by: WoeBGone ( )
Date: January 07, 2020 10:19PM

Funny, Brother (and business partner) Moebegone,

The balance sheet you sent me specified a net profit of $50,000, and liabilities of $50,000,000. Please explain.

By the way, I just got word that our side-by-side beach houses in Australia burned down. You DID stay current with the insurance premiums, right? I'm so relieved! Please send me the policy number ASAP so I can put in a claim.

I testify that it is a true blessing to have a close and cooperative business partner who is also a high priest and 1st Counselor in the stake. We have much to be humble about!

In the name of Cheese's Rice, Amen,
Brother Willard WoeBGone.

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Posted by: celeste ( )
Date: January 07, 2020 10:02PM

It’s a Mormon trait, inside and outside of sac meeting. Everyone’s children are perfect, but so hard to get them to seminary because they stay up late studying for A’s, being the captain of the team, working a pt job. Everyone’s spouse is their eternal partner, soul mate, king or queen, who just works too hard and gives too much. The holidays are a stressful blessing because the eternal family doesn’t fit around the table. They’re exhaust. So glad I don’t need to listen to that garbage any more.

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Posted by: Mother Who Knows ( )
Date: January 07, 2020 11:41PM

It's all carefully crafted to make you feel less-than. With much practice, this type of speech comes as second nature to Mormons, and they can perform these testimonies in their sleep. That's why they are so repetitive and copy-cat. Mobegone and Wobegone either listened to thousands of such testimonies, or gave them themselves, to be so proficient at it.

Thank you for sharing your talents and humor with us! Priceless!

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Posted by: caffiend ( )
Date: January 08, 2020 12:24AM

It would be interesting to record a few hundred of them, and have them transcribed. Also, collect lots of patriarchal blessings. The feed the texts into a computer for literary analyses, and subject them to "Form Criticism" and "Textual Criticism."

Then we could see how often certain phrases show up and how they're used or varied. Do men use certain "forms" (or verbal formulae) more than women? Do certain phrases occur more often in Provo than in St. George? Do F&T remarks differ much in Arizona, or Idaho? And so on.

There's a doctoral thesis here for somebody!

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Posted by: Anziano Young ( )
Date: January 08, 2020 01:11AM

Aloha, brothers and sisters!

Maybe you didn't hear me--I said: ALOHA!!!

I once had a two-hour layover in the Honolulu Airport, so I use this traditional Hawaiian greeting as a matter of course now since I felt such a CONNECTION.

We were on our way from our third home in San Francisco to vacation in Hong Kong while Spencer closed a little business deal. Our 13 children were just acting like little hellions, and I got to the end of my rope and just got so angry. So, I just decided to say a prayer to Heavenly Father, to please help our 3 nannies deal with them. And, just, right then I felt the Holy Ghost say, everything will be okay. And I just felt so peaceful, like no matter what difficulties we face in life Heavenly Father just takes an interest and is just there for us.

And then Spencer called to tell me we made $13 million from his business deal! So, Bishop, you can expect a modest tithing check from us. Ha ha! HA HA HA HA.

Now I'm going to tear up a little, because I know Heavenly Father loves all His children, but especially me, and I know that this church is led by a true prophet, and I know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

In the name of Jesus CHRIST I'M SO AWESOME, Ayyyyyy-men.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2020 01:12AM by Anziano Young.

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