Recovery Board  : RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum. 
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Posted by: cult no more ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 02:43PM

My TBM wife of 20+ years is always saying that I do not support her since I don't go to church on Sunday. What the hell!! I support her in a thousand other ways, but not going to church to be seen with her is considered a slap in the face to her. I am so sick and tired of the pressure she puts on herself regarding keeping up appearances. She keeps saying that by not supporting something of utmost importance to her, that I do not love her or support her at all. I feel it is more of a control thing with her and to show everyone that her whole family goes to church. Really hard to support a church that has the history they have and 100B in excess funds. This issue is a perfect example of gaslighting, making me feel unsupportive to her as a whole with just one issue.

Anyone else have this experience? Should I cave and go for one hour? I hate going to church, I feel I am being judged and stared at and gossiped about as another one that fell away.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: GregS ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 02:53PM

I wish I had an answer for you. My wife doesn't think I support her unless I'm sitting next to her in SM.

There's a part of her that hopes I will spontaneously convert someday.

I also think that, by my being there, she can maintain a normal Mormon facade, though everybody at church already knows that I am non-member who has made it clear that he will never convert.

Probably just a matter of optics. Though my wife has become a bit of a Jack (Jill?) Mormon since marrying me, it's best to keep up appearances.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/13/2020 02:54PM by GregS.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Roy G Biv ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 02:55PM

She doesn't realize that you support her attending church every time she goes. It takes her away from you, and that requires your support.

Does she pay tithing? That also requires your support.

Does she hold callings that require time way from home? That requires support just like church attendance.

You could be pitching a fit (not supporting) any or all of these, and more, but it sounds like you don't.

If you started attending a local church, would she attend with you to show her support? Or would she support you by not making a bog deal out of it and not minding the time away from her?

Mormons tend to have a myopic view of things.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: ptbarnum ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 03:18PM

Don't cave. If you're out, you're out. The quicker and firmer you rip that mental band-aid for her, the better it is for both of you.

If you go to SM, she'll linger in denial and not have to be a grownup by choosing to respect and support you over peer pressure...that's not healthy. You'll be subjected to manipulation by a cult again...that's not healthy.

She needs to become comfortable with the real you. People do make big changes in their lives, and that's okay. People are allowed to outgrow old mindsets and choose new directions, it doesn't mean that you're going to change so much that you're going to leave her, too.

Although, to be fair, if you choose to do that someday, that's okay, too. None of these changes are unsurvivable...it's just that Mormons are frozen in their personal growth and treat everything that doesn't fit the script as if it's terminal cancer. They are some of the biggest crybabies I have ever met when it comes to anything that a person does to show some individual preference.

My niece dyed her hair with some pink streaks and the TBMs sounded off on social media like a henhouse with a fox inside. A nephew took a music scholarship to somewhere not BYU and refused/delayed the mission. OMG, it's the end of the universe. A BIL skips every other SM to pick up overtime, the sky is falling.

"You don't support me" is manipulation through guilt and is a form of gaslighting. Drag her to a non-cultist therapist if that's what it takes, but stay firm in your boundaries.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 03:21PM

stay home with you one hour. Bet that won't happen.

My daughter told me that I didn't support her in being mormon and I then pointed out to her the things I had done. She was in shock as she had forgotten. I've been too nice if you ask me. Her scriptures came from me (I never had a nice set), I paid for her temple clothes, I used to do things for her primary class as she didn't have time like run errands to get things for her. When she is in Alaska, if one of her many mormon friends in the neighborhood have something happen, who gets something for them for her?

Remind her of how you support her. You don't have to be a clone of her.

Myself, I would have wanted my husband to attend with me as I was single until age 27 and people in mormonims treat you like shit if you don't have a husband and that includes an active husband. She is a second class citizen in mormonism. I don't know if that is why she wants you there or not, but that is why I would want you there.

My "husband" is still angry at me because I didn't attend the temple on bishopric night. He was the ex. sec. I hated the temple. I was worthy. He was not worthy. He just told me recently he had to make up an excuse for me every time. I said, "Why didn't you just tell them I didn't want to go." We have been inactive for over 25 years and separated for 24 years. I went inactive first as he hadn't been released from ex. sec. yet and I wasn't going to the leaders again over him being gay. For a long time, people thought I was the one who led us all "astray." Some "get it" now, but believe me, mormons still think that gays CHOOSE to be gay. Several have said that to me in the last year.

Anyway, there can be 2 reasons she is upset you aren't going--she doesn't like being treated the way they treat "single" women or she wants you to go so you'll be touched by the spirit and, hallelujah, become a believer again.

P.S. Does she go to work with you? Then she isn't supporting you in going to work, right?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/13/2020 03:23PM by cl2.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: summer ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 06:03PM

>>So if you go to church one hour, then next Sunday, she has to
stay home with you one hour. Bet that won't happen.

I wouldn't even do that much. You go once a month, she stays home once a month. The other Sundays, she is on her own. I bet that she won't take that offer because she is not willing to accommodate YOU.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 03:27PM

cult no more Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My TBM wife of 20+ years is always saying that I
> do not support her since I don't go to church on
> Sunday.

Did you go to church all that time?

> Anyone else have this experience?

My wife once asked me to go as an unbeliever. I asked her why she would want this dishonesty? She never replied and hasn't since and I have asked her a few times why.

I stopped going 2005-6. We've been married 20+ years.

The pain of being a single Mormon married in the temple to an apostate/unbeliever is beyond hard to deal with and I understand it. It is something hard to articulate. There are the trite responses but the meat of it that something about this corrupt and judgmental organization's belief system drilled into a person from birth gives some people purpose where they would lack one. It is a Stockholm Syndrome and something hard to support but the pain of going without the request support must be terrible. I've seen in it my beloved's face many many times.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: dorothynli ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 04:15PM

I'm thinking it would never be enough. If you give a mouse a cookie...

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 04:32PM

“Support” ... right outta the Manipulators’ Playbook. I’m sure that word has it’s very own chapter.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 04:43PM

Is there a reference to "Swedish Rescue"?

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 05:41PM

Your wife is being selfish and ridiculous. It's blackmail.

Going with her is not supporting her. Going with her is more on par with Prince Phillip walking two steps behind the Queen which I find appalling.

She's not recieving some medal of honor from the president, she's going to church---a club activity.

She is making you an accessory. What are you a Birkin bag for everyone to see to up her status like some Kardashian? Do not cave.

It is your wife who is failing to support you and your integrity.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: thedesertrat1 ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 05:46PM

I went o church with my wife for many years not daring to confront her with true facts.
Unfortunately she died 2 years ago. I no longer have to attend.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: siobhan ( )
Date: January 17, 2020 03:06PM


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 06:08PM

Going to church supports church more than it supports a spouse who happens to attend.

Ask her to tell you some other ways she feels supported? Do you pump her gas? Do you drive her to medical appointments? Do you stick up for her if she's slighted socially? Do you sometimes cover for her in emergencies? Do you bring her flowers? Do you take her out for date nights? Do you give her turns to watch favorite movies or TV shows? Do you eat meatloaf you don't love because she loves it? Do you walk with her when she is the one who needs the exercise? Do you compliment her talents and accomplishments large and small?

Going to her church supports that church. Is that her point? Is that what she actually wants?

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: January 13, 2020 06:46PM

We’ve already told our sons that we won’t be going to our grandkids’ baptism, because we don’t “support” nonsense. They understand.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: cludgie ( )
Date: January 14, 2020 01:49AM

Even though my quitting the church has scarred our marriage, I show my support by making sure she lacks for nothing. I have a good retirement income, we have a decent nest egg, we live in a real house on a foundation, and I--and by extension, she--am 100% covered for all medical, a rare thing these days in America. I would not tolerate her ever saying that I don't support her because I don't go to church with her. Them's fightin' words.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: forestpal ( )
Date: January 14, 2020 05:02AM

My husband really disliked the Mormon cult, after he studied his way out, and discovered all the lies. He refused to give them one more dime. He didn't want me and the children to go, but realized all of us would have been dis-owned by his parents. Mormons really do punish those who leave.

We made an agreement: I would pay tithing on my own income, but he would not pay any tithing on his. I wanted to keep going to church with our children, and he promised to stop bad-mouth the church (especially to the children), not prevent their being baptized, and not to give us a hard time or interfere with our attending. In return, I was to not try to convince him to return, or bad-mouth him for playing golf on Sunday, or vilify him (especially to the children). I was to excuse him from all church activities, Scouts, Christmas and other parties, kids performances, etc, without argument. I thought this was fair, as I believe that one adult didn't have the right to dominate another.

This worked--for him! He did what he wanted to do. He never manipulated the children away at meeting time. On Sundays, we would go to the beach or out for fun, after the 3 hours of meetings were over. Sometimes, he would have a barbecue ready for us, when we got home from church. Thus, he was rewarding us for coming home, for going out together as a family, and the time outside of Mormonism was so much more pleasant. We dreaded getting dressed up and going to church, and we couldn't wait until it was over, and we could get on with the fun parts of life. My children loved school, and I loved volunteering in the schools, much more than at church.

So--we were gently led away from that oppressive, negative, soul-sucking cult.

Yes, it's true that a Mormon wife with an inactive husband is a social outcast, and also perceived as lacking in faith. I was blamed for my husband being inactive. We were no longer invited to the family and couples' activities with the Mormons, outside of church as well as outside of church. The children and I had better friends in the schools and in the community. My Mormon in-laws became unbearable, with all their nagging and criticizing. The ward overworked me with too many callings. Some of the Mormon men in our ward were slimy, and full-of-themselves, and they tried to hit on me, because I was a lone woman, without a man, and they thought I might be an easy target. Likewise, without a protective father there, my children became victims of physical abuse--by adult fathers in the ward.

My husband just sat by, and left us open to whatever that cult wanted to do to us, (I didn't tell him about a lot of it) and within two years, the children and I were OUT OF THERE. The Mormons shot themselves in the foot, as far as we were concerned.

You are a wonderful, supportive husband, and there's no reason to not continue to support your wife, in every other aspect of her life. Make your marriage and children the priority, and LOVE, and appreciation, happiness, adventure, fun, and all those positive things that Mormonism kills. There are so many other things you can do together, other than just go to church. Work hard to keep the cult in perspective. It's nothing but a silly hoax, and should not be as important as it pretends it is.

Start by NOT paying them any more money!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Ted ( )
Date: January 16, 2020 01:08PM

I really applaud what Forestpal said here, and totally agree with her. Her's is a great example of a mature marriage, where compromise, negotiation, and cooperation allowed them to continue in their marriage and family. That "give and take", finding a middle ground are all apart of a normal marriage. Couples have different opinions are how things should be done, and unless science allows us to someday clone ourselves into the opposite sex, it is to be expected that you will have differences. Granted, religion is a big difference, but you can do it!

"You are not supporting me" is a common cult phrase the like to throw around to guilt and manipulate. Bring her to the bargaining table. By the way, the primary way you support her is the fact that you are a bread winner and pay the bills.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Free Man ( )
Date: January 15, 2020 04:19PM

"Yes, it's true that a Mormon wife with an inactive husband is a social outcast, and also perceived as lacking in faith."

This only matters if you don't consider your spouse to be your number one commitment.

This all exposes marriage as a fraud. Supposedly you are each your spouses number one, but actually the first commitment is to some cult or club or whatever.

I've seen many divorces among relatives where husband quit church (and damaged her image), or didn't make enough money (which hurts her image and status).

We need to make wedding vows more honest - I marry you in order to boost my image - if you hurt my image and status in my social network, I will be disappointed, angry, and potentially divorce you.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: laperla not logged in ( )
Date: January 16, 2020 12:48PM

during that odious time.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: want2bx ( )
Date: January 16, 2020 02:18PM

So much of being Mormon involves how things look to other Mormons. I suspect that your wife isn't really describing her feelings accurately. It's not that you're not supporting her, but rather she's worried about what others think about her, your marriage or your family when they see you're not at church.

There is often an assumption by Mormons that marriages and families aren't very solid when they see only part of a couple or family regularly at church. It can be difficult to be judged in that way.

I think the hardest thing for my TBM husband when I left the church wasn't that I didn't believe anymore, it was that he was embarrassed to all of the sudden look different from all the other Mormon families in the ward. Like your wife, he wanted me to come to sit by him in meetings. I do it occasionally, but I just can't do it every week and I don't think it's fair for him to expect that of me. I support him in his Mormon beliefs in other ways. I never complain about the time he spends at meetings and ask him about church services, etc., but I don't feel comfortable just going so that things look the way he wants them to look to other people.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/16/2020 02:23PM by want2bx.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: January 16, 2020 03:05PM

want2bx Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> There is often an assumption by Mormons that
> marriages and families aren't very solid when they
> see only part of a couple or family regularly at
> church. It can be difficult to be judged in that
> way.

I can confirm this as well. For some reason marriages where the couples seem so distant from each other appear more solid than mine simply because both partners believe.

I take solace in the fact that I'm not married to the church anymore. They can be but its not for me and since my divorce from the church I limit the times I have to see it to a bare minimum and it only is when it involves my kids.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: January 17, 2020 12:45PM

Can she get a blow-up doll that looks like OP?

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Wowza ( )
Date: January 17, 2020 02:33AM

Its the main way to support her, because the church works off of appearances.

If you are sitting next to her, then it looks like you are trying. It looks like you are doing your duty and sitting through boring meetings like everyone else.

Secondly, if she can't convince you of the power of church, then perhaps actually being there will do the trick. Afterall, how many stories has she heard about the healing power of showing up for boring meetings. That boring meetings will make you more attuned to the spirit. You'll gain back your faith by attending boring meetings.

Amen.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: eternal1 ( )
Date: January 17, 2020 12:36PM

She's attempting to manipulate you. If you joined a satanic church, would she attend with you? Sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with each other, perhaps with the help of a marriage counselor (non-mormon type, of course). It's unlikely she's seeing the situation from your point of view and may even think she's doing the right thing even though she's just pushing you away and causing resentment. Caving to her demands would just make the situation worse. Communication would be helpful.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: January 17, 2020 12:49PM

Maybe she needs to be taught what boundaries are and why it’s sometimes good to have them. In Mormonism and other cults, boundaries are obliterated to promote dependence on the group.

Options: ReplyQuote
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In


Screen Name: 
Your Email (optional): 
Subject: 
Spam prevention:
Please, enter the code that you see below in the input field. This is for blocking bots that try to post this form automatically.
 ********  **     **   *******   ********        ** 
 **         **   **   **     **  **              ** 
 **          ** **           **  **              ** 
 ******       ***      *******   ******          ** 
 **          ** **           **  **        **    ** 
 **         **   **   **     **  **        **    ** 
 **        **     **   *******   ********   ******