They emotionally abuse in self-protection. They make the deliberate choice to attack first and they do it because they are trained to perform that act, it is a protective behavior, but why is it so important?

Because they sense it is an emotionally unsafe world and they think everybody are out to get them so they hit first. People naturally react and says enough is enough because the behavior is uncalled for.

Then it all goes into crazy making because the high and mighty abuser instantly start to say enough is enough and forces the victim to apologize!

The abuser then turns on a dime and suddenly the abuser acts like the victim and it does not seem to be a play, they believe it 100% that they are the victim.

But it is not a play? They really feel it in their mind and body?

Very true. A good defense is strategised through offense. An insecure individual may bully others because they feel insecure. But I think more often people pick on others because they do it for cheap thrills. They are not nice people. And afterwards they may justify their untowards actions by remembering some past event that affected their fragile psyche and shaped their personality, such as 'I'm struggling because I hate my mother' or some other such nonsense.

my former wife did this to justify her greed & hatred of me which in turn dominoed down to our children. She did an unquestioned deceitful divorce (her lies were in writing in the court submissions) which ChurchCo knowingly approved, ratified, condoned & excused even though her lies were acknowledged by our bishop & SP.

When I asked 'What about Honesty?' they gave me a Blank Stare, shrugged their shoulders & turned away.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/14/2020 09:49AM by GNPE.

I watched emotional abuse literally destroy the family of one of my daughters. There is nothing horrible enough that could happen to the former son in law as far as I am concerned.

Mormon family, who took absolutely everything, claim to be my victims, somehow. What they hate is my going public. Their shame for their shitty acts is re-directed into slander for the messenger.

Some emotional abusers actually do think the world is out to get their fragile egos and try to hit back, playground bullies in adult bodies.

Others lie about being the victim to gain sympathy and turn others against their intended target. That was the tactic preferred by my narcissistic sperm donor.

In any case, two tips I learned on dealing with emotional abusers:

1. The best way to beat them is to not play their games. They are not interested in making points or proving them, they are only interested in making you feel worthless and making others think you're the bad guy.

2. Emotional abusers LIE. They will lie to gain sympathy, crush their target, or weasel out of acknowledging their own bad behavior. Don't trust a word they say.

some of us know that we were the real, actual victims of hate-filled, lying "tbms", they think their "faith" makes their choices, actions justified 'OK' with dog.

That's how perverted religion (Mormonism) has become, it's very real.

I think playing the victim is often part of the abuse cycle and is done on purpose. On the other hand some abusers really do feel like the victim. This is a question of, to what extent to abusers have self awareness? I found some answers researching the different types of narcissism. Your typical grandiose narcissist might do this on purpose, if at all. The ‘vulnerable/fragile’ narcissist always plays the victim and I think possibly they see themselves that way too. Or, it’s just part of everything they do which is automatic for them and part of the pathology. If you want to understand why they feel or play the victim look up vulnerable narcissism; Dr Craig Mallon has some good YouTube videos on the topic.
For someone who is so abusive that they twist stuff back on you (blame shifting) they are probably into gaslighting too. These people need to be avoided at all costs and you should go no contact. I only had a three month encounter with a guy like this and it was nearly my undoing. I cut my losses (including all my friends) and spent a year recovering.

*Dr Craig Malkin

Hello everybody! Thank your for all the data that I can use and ponder on about life.

Hey! Another question.

Why is it a stigma to have a lack of empathy?

We know the effects personally, they are horrible, but if we flip it all around.

If the abuser suddenly in life asks for help to solve the problem that they lack empathy.

Yes, one in their lifetime they have a feeling something is wrong.

Things would be easier to turn around, right? Some abuse could stop.

Why does it seem to be a stigma to lack empathy? There are some people I know that I suspect lack empathy but they do not build relationships to get any form of supply by abusing others. They are just mute plain and simple and emotionally detached. Do not care about other peoples feelings.

I see this tradition that abusers blame their childhood or society and so on but what if we stop the "storytelling" and just plain and simple go 100% clinical and treat it like an health issue. The tradition of telling stories about childhood and shifting blame would stop.

Do you agree that a lack of empathy is a stigma?

From my experience, abusers are never the type to genuinely change unless they want to. At least nine times out of ten, it's just another ploy to justify their behavior and keep another victim around with empty promises to "change" and "do better." Ask anyone who's been in a battered women's shelter or had narcissistic parents.

And abusers don't avoid therapy because of a stigma about lack of empathy; they avoid therapy because they ENJOY abusing others.

They enjoy it because it is like a fix? To feel good? A drug?

Not like a drug; you have to accept that abusers aren't someone trying to cope with life using bad choices, they're someone who causes pain for their own entertainment. Someone with the temperament of a two-year old and no respect for others.

You can't rehabilitate that with normal therapy. You can't make them see the error of their ways. All you can do is warn others and stay out of their way.

Once when the abuser, playing the victim, complained they had never been given anything I started listing all the things they had been given. The answer was, "Oh, I forgot about that and that and that, and that....."

They genuinely had forgotten how much had been done for them. They totally embrace being the victim because they get so much sympathy. Then they believe their own lies. Victims never have to take responsibility for their circumstances. Victims can just sit around waiting to be rescued. Don't get me started on rescuers.

Awesome respons! Thank you!