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Posted by: Anon for this one ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 03:02PM

and she sometimes has the personality of a linebacker.

She is 34, "just staying with us until she can get her feet under her again," (which now looks like December) and it feels to me like she is doing her d@mndest to run my household.

She will have conferences with her dad about this or that when I am in another room. I am hearing impaired, despite aids, and I frequently have to get up from what I am doing find out what is going on.

She occasionally fixes supper, which is nice, since I hate cooking. NOTE: She is staying here rent-free, so the cooking from time to time is a nice way to pay for her keep. (We provide the food.)

But the conferences with her dad about long-term planning for the house make me crazy.(She wants to make this or that change, take out this plant, put a hedge along the back wall, etc. IT ISN'T HERS TO DO, NOT YET!!)

Those of you with hearing impairments will understand when I say that if you ask what people have just said, they tell you, "Never mind." That is such a cutting, exclusionary thing to say, and it HURTS!!

I guess it makes me feel like the third wheel in my own marriage, and DH just doesn't see it. I WANT HER OUT, ASAP! Am I just being an ungrateful witch?

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Posted by: Beth ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 03:08PM

I am so sorry.

You are not being ungrateful. Period.

People with wiser and more fleshed out ideas will respond.

I want you to know that it doesn't sound like you have anything to be grateful for in this situation. The occasional meal doesn't count.

Door Dash would treat you better.

Thinking of you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/11/2020 03:09PM by Beth.

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Posted by: Heidi GWOTR ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 03:38PM

You're not being out of line. My adult step-son and nephew who live with us ($500 ea for room and board), do this to us a lot. They were in the hospitality business before the covid hit, and so are still day-sleepers and up all night, which means double the heat and electricity, not to mention the 1/2 hour showers. They talk about what they want to change in our house. Of course, we would pay for it. Then, they say, "Hey, we want to do this, or that." Like we have excess money to pay for all of this. One day we woke up to everything in our spare space totally changed, with furniture and boxes piled up. THEY PUT MY BOOK SHELVES IN THE BACK SO I CAN'T GET TO THEM!!! Frustrating to the utmost.

I would talk to your husband and tell him that these conversations without you are not acceptable. He needs to step up when she starts these kinds of conversations and say "Wait a minute while I get your step mom." It's up to him to lay down the law. Since she's not working, she needs to start cooking daily and doing chores to stay there. That's only fair. And, all of this needs to come from your husband. You need to be there for the conversation, but it needs to come from him.

OH, I FEEL FOR YOU SO MUCH (((HUGS)))!

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Posted by: Tevai ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 03:46PM

You are being mistreated.

In my opinion, it is time for her to be developing a plan to do whatever is necessary for her to move out. If she does not have a job, then she needs (at the very least) to be actively looking for one.

(I fully understand that we are in the midst of a pandemic and job-hunting now bears no relationship to job-hunting before the pandemic began. Nevertheless, the three of you should be doing some sideways thinking so she can become self-supporting ASAP.)

There are jobs where a place to live is part of the employment package (nanny jobs, etc.), so her getting one of those jobs would provide her with housing as well as, at least a small, living.

This is a difficult situation and I wish you well.

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Posted by: OP ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 04:33PM

You guys are wonderful. I just feel elbowed out of the way in my own house,

For tonight, I have planned a chicken dinner made with Indian spices, Even mango chutney!

I REALLY don't want to get pushed aside. . .

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Posted by: Devoted Exmo ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 04:41PM

Stand up for yourself if your husband won't stand up for you. It's really hard to do, but necessary if you don't want to get pushed aside.

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 04:45PM

Agreed. A frank talk with your husband should solve this. If not, it's time to lay down the law on your own.

If they can't get this under control, your ability to be generous will diminish. It's in everyone's interests that they behave more sensitively.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 04:57PM

I agree with Lot's Wife. There is no way that your stepdaughter should be discussing changes to YOUR house. That is a level of entitlement that is not okay. I lived with my brother and sister-in-law (at their invitation) for a year and half when I was in grad school, and I never would have dreamed of telling them what to do with their house.

You need to discuss this with your husband so that the two of you are on the same page.

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Posted by: ziller ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 07:15PM

IN ~



4 links to pics ~




thx ~

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Posted by: OP ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 08:53PM

Ziller - yeah. And I have reached that point in bone fragility where a fall could kill me, within about a month. I have to start injections of this stuff called "Prolia" that is supposed to make my bones less fragile. And we have to factor in that the other medications that do the same job EAT fragile kidneys. And mine are very fragile.

Nobody ever said that getting old is easy, but it seems like it has suddenly jumped from being a bit challenging to "Do I even want to get out of bed today??"

I can't tell you guys how much your support means to me. I have outlived my dearest friends, so sometimes this is the only place I can vent my concerns. (Other than the cats, who can always be trusted not to snitch!)

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Posted by: Heidi GWOTR ( )
Date: September 12, 2020 10:43AM

I also do infusions of Zoledronic Acid to strengthen my bones. It's frustrating to know that just walking could break my hips. I'm sure it's the same for you.

Be careful of your kittie. If he's anything like mine, he likes to wind himself around your ankles when you're walking. Placing furniture in strategic positions that can help you get from one place to another helped me. And, if you use a cane, ALWAYS USE IT!

There are a lot of people on here who care, and remember, you can come on here to vent about anything you need to.

Be safe and well OP.

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Posted by: Siobhannli ( )
Date: September 15, 2020 11:45PM

I'll offer you one better. Get a basic wheelchair at a thrift store and remove the footrests. Sit in the wheelchair and 'walk' around the house with your feet Flintstone style. If you home is not accessible this will show you what adjustments need to be made. If not now assume that eventually you will need an accessible home.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 09:40PM

Your step-daughter may be one of those individuals who is so afraid of an accurate diagnosis of her arrival at a low point in her life so that she acts out in ways that result in criticism of a behavior she's slightly proud of.

She'd rather be critiqued for being aggravating rather than being critiqued for being unable to live what society calls a 'normal' life.




Not everyone can be a back-up singer in the Supremes, much less Diana Ross, her very ownself! Of course this covers just about every contre temps in life its ownself.

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Posted by: Susan I/S ( )
Date: September 11, 2020 11:46PM

Oh hell no. The only discussion your husband should be having is "go discuss it with your step mom". Then if it is something you want to do you can discuss it with Hubby. She is a GUEST in your house. Time to put your foot down, right on the back of her neck. She has zero business making or even thinking about changes to YOUR house. If she doesn't like it, there is the door. If you keep putting up with it, she will ramp up to other things too.

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Posted by: PollyDee ( )
Date: September 12, 2020 12:46AM

Hmmm...well, it's one thing if you have proof that your step daughter is undermining or using you. Quite another if she is only looking out for, and trying to help you and *HER* father.

I was in that position with my mother and her second husband. He is deaf, and basically forced her to live a life of complete silence because any noise, like music, talking, laughter, etc. set off his hearing aids. He didn't like me or my sisters to visit our mother. He would yell at me if I tried to help with the cleaning, yard work, fix the plumbing, or bringing in weekly meals for them. He was always paranoid, kept accusing me of taking over, but refused to sit and discuss options to help them because he couldn't hear very well. He used his deafness to actually control my mother, isolate her, and as an excuse to belittle and bully her and us.

One day, my sister asked if I could go over and measure a corner of their den to see if a desk, that he had requested, would fit. When he saw me measuring he flipped out and started really yelling at me - I walked out.

He expected my mother to do all the cleaning, cooking, and yard work. One day I drove up to their house to find my 85 year old mother, at her cruel husband's insistence, laying flat out on the driveway plucking at weeds in the garden bed even though she was dying of cancer. In his pride, he kept refusing to get the assistance they needed so she could get the rest and care she needed. My mother was so depressed she wanted to die and tried to starve herself to death.
Eventually she succeeded, my mother weighed only 90 lbs when she passed away - I miss her terribly, but now she is at rest.

I guess what I'm saying is be sure you're not being paranoid and creating motives or drama that doesn't exist. For instance - what does your comment that your step daughter weighs more than you, or that her personality is, shall I say, brusk, have to do with anything? You are making these comments to belittle and demean her. Perhaps these so-called conferences she is having with *her* father are only innocent, reminiscent father-daughter visits. If your daughter is truly helping out as much as she can then be grateful and stop bitching.

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Posted by: Gordon B. Stinky ( )
Date: September 12, 2020 03:25AM

Sorry to hear all this. There’s almost nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable in your own home.

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Posted by: CateS ( )
Date: September 13, 2020 12:29AM

How does her weight have anything to do with this story?

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Posted by: Nightingale ( )
Date: September 13, 2020 01:13AM

I took it to indicate that perhaps it is difficult to stand up to her due to difference in size as well as age and personality types.

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Posted by: Susan I/S ( )
Date: September 13, 2020 01:37AM

That is how I took it too NG. She finds her intimidating.

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Posted by: dagny ( )
Date: September 13, 2020 12:54PM

That was my first question too, CateS.
It seemed not very nice to say at first until I took it as fear of physical harm and overall strength advantage.

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Posted by: OP ( )
Date: September 15, 2020 12:28AM

The size thing was not to be catty. She is fully capable of physically nudging me to one side if she wants to use a particular spot in the kitchen. She has done it a couple of times and it was intimidating. Shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, she literally pushed me aside. She claimed that she had asked me to step aside and that I didn't respond. That is possible, as I am hearing-impaired. But still. . .

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Posted by: Beth ( )
Date: September 15, 2020 12:31AM

No worries! I think we got it once we read your post.

How are you?

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Posted by: CateS ( )
Date: September 15, 2020 09:25PM

Ok. I accept your explanation.

I hope things get better for you.

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Posted by: Thetimeisalways ( )
Date: September 14, 2020 09:13AM

It means one of them is large and in charge and one is not.

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Posted by: JoeSmith666 ( )
Date: September 14, 2020 06:54PM

This sentence can work wonders: "Things are the way they are because the Homeless Charity we are leaving the property to like it that way".

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: September 15, 2020 06:27PM

Good one!

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Posted by: macaRomney ( )
Date: September 15, 2020 09:31AM

I would say that if she wants to improve something that needs improving then that's great! Let her do it, let her pay for it. As humans we tend to be overly possessive with things that are of little value.

But now if she want's to paint walls pink and purple, or paint up a chalk board wall, just say no, it's doesn't add any value to the house. And insist that she lets you get to all your books of course.

Make it a money issue.

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Posted by: Susan I/S ( )
Date: September 16, 2020 12:35AM

Bumping someone because they are not hearing you is not ok. There are a lot of other ways to get someone's attention. Bumping someone of your age is not ok. If it happens again you need to call her out on the spot. Practice now so you will be ready if that helps. Make it very clear she is NEVER to do that again. You have to stand up for yourself. Remember, we teach people how to treat us :)

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: September 17, 2020 03:57PM

I agree with Susan, that's really rude. She could gently put her hand over yours, or put herself in your line of sight, or come up with some other non-verbal way to get your attention. Do you know any ASL? Perhaps you could teach her some basic hand signals or learn it together. Bumping is not okay!

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Posted by: Heidi GWOTR ( )
Date: September 17, 2020 01:09PM

OP, is there an update? Were you able to talk to your husband and/or s-daughter?

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Posted by: OP ( )
Date: September 18, 2020 12:16AM

Heidi, (et al) yes - I have had a talk with DH. He agrees that discussions about the three of us should include ALL THREE OF US!! He has actually said once already, "I think Mom needs to be in on this, too." I was included in the conversation. It's a start.

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: September 18, 2020 12:17AM

That is a start. I would add, however, that ultimately it is you and your husband who should make the decisions. His daughter is a guest in your home.

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