Everything I like, they hate. Everything I walk away from, they wade in hip-deep.

Sometimes it's a lot of effort trying to circle our conversations back to common ground, or finding reasons to call or text. It's hard work keeping the conversation steered to something we can both contribute to.

At this point, I believe it's worth the hard work, at least for my family. But man. Sometimes it's a LOT of work.

I kind of enjoy the disconnect. There's a lot less mormon twaddle clogging my life and discourse.

I empathize and identify with most every word you wrote.

My family (both my immediate family, and also--with two incredibly important exceptions--my extended family) and I had NOTHING in common!

Worse: We were on opposing sides of most everything which had to do with our life philosophies, politics [!!!], ethics and morality and values, and "how to best do" whatever needed "do-ing" at any particular moment.

It would be nice to be able to say it was a "learning experience" for all of us, but the truth is: It was often brutal for all of us (with the always-existing exception of my paternal Grandpa and my paternal Grandma, both of whom were two of the best human beings I have ever known).

Somehow I made it through, and so did my family.

Sort of.

Considerable damage had been done along the way, but that damage had begun decades before I was born--decades before my parents even met each other (they came from radically different parts of the USA, and met, as young adults, in Los Angeles).

I empathize totally.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 03/01/2021 08:48PM by Tevai.

You can say that again.


A long time ago now, I tried making lists of topics that would be interesting to lift family conversation to a bearable level. A wide variety. From magazines, the news, an unusual plot in a book, anything. They all bombed. The family has its own Mormon dynamic and there is no derailing it, even temporarily.

What hit hard, is, I work with a lot of people who get really excited to see their family. A lot! I was like, what? I had to admit I didn't. The visits were duty visits, and Mormon flavored ones. "Wait a minute. You can 't wait to see your family this weekend?"


Mormonism is boring. And I don't mean the religion but the life-style. Promotes stagnation.

My mother always brags what a fun family we are. She needs to believe that. So I do my duty--with elan. Somehow I make her laugh a lot when I call her once a week with my worldly prattle and give her a break from being the greatest Mormon matriarch of all time.

>>Somehow I make her laugh a lot when I call her once a week with my worldly prattle and give her a break from being the greatest Mormon matriarch of all time.

I think that making people laugh is a wonderful thing. Years ago I worked in sales, and my job often involved persuading people in my company to do things for me. So if I had to make a request to one of those people, I would always start off the call with the intention of making that person laugh. I would tell a joke, or make a quip, with the intention of hearing genuine laughter on the other end of the line. And it worked. It greased the wheels. Whatever request I had, I knew the other person would do their level best to fulfil it.

Regarding a very limited range of conversation: One winter I was working on a ski mountain. All of the workers talked endlessly about the condition of the snow, or the runs, or about our equipment. You would not think that a bunch of human beings could have so much to say about snow. And yet we did. I guess when you live in a bubble, it becomes your world.

I dont see my family very often. What I find confusing is how they can go and on about the cult, but if I even bring up some current news headline (that everyone in the media is talking about), they think Im being political and want to label me as a right wing nut, (not an exaggeration)... The subject quickly has to be changed and its back to the cult or some other topic I don't get excited about like housework or being a mommy.

it's confusing.

macaRomney Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> they think Im being political and want to
> label me as a right wing nut, (not an
> exaggeration)...

No, it is definitely not an exaggeration.

You did such an outstanding job of describing the turmoil of "not having much in common with your family anymore." I feel like I can change weekly on how I am going to approach it...or not. At times, I scream inwardly and at other times I cry outwardly, or I turn my back and say I do not care or I look myself in the mirror and declare, "But damn, I do care."

The thing about Mormonism which stares me in the face is that it is so time consuming and so sure of its rightness in condemning those who have chosen a different path that there is only one way I am truly perceived by my family...as an evil apostate who is not to be "really" listened to or trusted. Sometimes they pretend....which is the ultimate hurt.

I'm sorry. That must really be hurtful.

" . . . as an evil apostate who is not to be "really" listened to or trusted."

That was the part that was shocking. I wasn't really hurt like you, but suddenly felt very removed from the family, and my reaction was to disengage. Self protection I guess.

If I started to say something at a family dinner my father would give acute attention immediately and only relax when he had decided what I was saying was going to be benign. I just quit saying anything and started avoiding family as much as possible.

One time when I was home for Sunday dinner, still in the really awkward phase of having come out as gay and apostate only recently, in an effort to make harmless small talk, I was asking my teen aged brother and sister what singers they liked. At one point I asked about Boy George's new song to which my sister responded loudly, "That F*G!"

Dead silence for a second and then please pass the potatoes. That sort of did it for me. I wasn't putting myself in that position any more.

"That F*G?" What a brutal attitude. . .

Common problem among peeples like us.