It is a hard decision to accept that a family member is an low-empathy idiot. It can take years accepting such facts.

Someone lacks empathy and lacks discernment. It creates consequences but there is still a deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep virtue in both heart and mind that says you should always give the benefit of the doubt.

If you more and more go 180 degrees and say: No I can not stand this "do not judge"-axiom anymore because there is something called "discernment" in life. You will feel bad, and identify yourself as a bad and judgemental person.

Would you agree that this "virtue" is an obstacle to change?

I think that forming an opinion about someone is a case of adding up the facts or clues -- little things that other person says or does. Sometimes you come to an understanding right away, and other times the clues have to accumulate until there is a tipping point.

It is only human to give others the benefit of the doubt, and perhaps doubly so for family members. But at a certain point people show you who they are.

> If you more and more go 180
> degrees and say: No I cannot
> stand this "do not judge"
> -axiom anymore because there
> is something called "discernment"
> in life. You will feel bad, and
> identify yourself as a bad and
> judgemental person.


While your view may be accurate for you, that some sort of beneficial moral imperative is at large in the world, I don't think our species is born with it "baked" into our genetic code.

When people are offered things (jobs, food, sex...) they don't usually respond with, "Isn't there someone else who could benefit more from this?"

I don't doubt anything

I just believe - and don't believe - people, places and things.

You either KNOW
Or you don't know

You always FEEL
You feel me?

With time it is possible to both know and feel.

Genesis 31. Jacob flees from Laban.

Jacob knew by experience and instinct something was very wrong. But what it comes down to is how to react in the best way.

Cauda, are you in any danger from this person or people?

Thank you for your feedback.

Have not talked with major parts of my family since early 2020. Heavy triangulation/gaslightning attempts to get me back into the fold but I hold my ground and lost contact. High degree of uncertainty when it comes to potential risks.

Giving the benefit of the doubt is not a virtue.

All information must be processed and used in decisions in order to take the appropriate actions. We do not owe anyone allegiance who has not given us reason to believe they deserve it. Certainly not if we have doubts about their actions or beliefs. That is the time for caution rather than giving a pass.

Take good care of yourself.


I am very skeptical about the word virtue and often see it as a "control tactic word."

If possible, I'll give the benefit of the doubt.
However, if I see a snake, I'll treat it like a snake.

Like summer said, add up facts and clues.

Be aware of when you are using your brain and when you are letting feelings go unchecked.

Bibles, horoscopes, and opinions of others will probably be used to confirm what we already wanted to think about any issue, including this one. You can find examples to support both sides of almost any question. Life can be complicated and nuanced.