yet again, it's time for GC predictions!!!

What will it be this time??

- Russ announces that he's given Wendy the PH, others may now follow??

- Russ announces his lighted pen has run out of ink, that's the reason for no significant (claimed) revelations!

- Russ announces that he's taking a sabbatical and appoints (?) to 'temporarily' be in charge; His forwarding address will be classified, but is rumored to be a Mediterranean Villa...


- I predict that this conference will be Very Russ-centered; those that have been vaxxed & tested negative can sign up for photo-ops with him (& Wendy?) online at a 'reasonable' contribution!!!

I still can't believe that they don't sell ad time!

Maybe this will be the year we get to see Odouls N/A beer ads! Pray for change!

Fully vaccinated priesthood peeps will be authorized to resume administering to the sick. The irony of the directive will not be acknowledged,

GNPE Wrote:
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> I predict that this conference will be Very Russ-centered...

RUST-centered = conceited

Rusty acting like Joseph acting like nobody...

He'll be rusty alright

However, he'll take your MONEY, even if you're sick as HELLo. TBC (the begging/ bragging/ bogus 'church'/ "cult").

Nothing will change, but,
Nothing will remain the same

Mormonism is nothing
Don't pretend it's not

It's snot!

- Sacrament bread must be unleavened.
- Relief Society will be renamed Jesus Christ Society, Elder's Quorum will become Gospel Quorum.
- Bill Gates will be sustained as surgeon general and meteorologist in chief.
- And Mitt Romney as his deputy.
- The Pope will deliver a message thanking the Church for the Roman temple.

Modern Mormonism:

Anything's Possible with enough faith!!

They're hurrying to finish Rusty's gold statue in time.

The GAs will brag, and say those things “humbly.”

I had to laugh at the hyped-up ad from BYU-tv

"Global television Event!" "Hope is here" pictures of families gathered around their TV in anticipation like the super bowl was on or something. gees, it was cheesy....and kinda funny.

edit to add: It gets even funnier! I still get one real newspaper a week from the SL Tribune. Today a full page ad from BYU-TV: white letters on a background of purple "The best seat in the house" and then in parentheses (of Israel)...good grief!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/21/2021 09:17AM by gemini.

a) There will be an acknowledgment that many have gone on to their heavenly reward, which the implied threat that the rest of the membership better have their house in order.

b) Yes, times have been tough, but that is all the more reason to tithe.

c) You cannot partake of the church's "blessings" unless your butt in in the pew.

d) There will yet another temple built in Utah because Utah is so underserved. /s

Is the SL Temple closed for renovation?

(is their an exception for the Q15?)

You raise an interesting question, GNPE...

Do the Presidents of 70 and the big cheese 15 regularly 'go through the temple'?

Or is that perhaps seen as a waste of their valuable time? I suppose that I have assumed the latter, what with having ghawd on speed dial.

Here, fresh from the hard drive of the prophet (and you know that JoJu had one!) is the document that I have been assured contains the words Russell Milhaus Nelson is planning to say a couple of weeks from now.



   Dear Brothers and Sisters, of all colors, stripes, hues, and textures, I welcome you.

   And it is with great humility… yes, perhaps even the greatest humility ever evidenced by a human being, that I offer my welcome to you to this, yet another in the series of Annual and Semi-annual conferences of the one, True Church.

   This one, April Conference, is the more special of the two. You do not EVER want to miss April Conference. Just hearing those two words together sends my spirit soaring! Let’s all same them together: <waves his hands> April Conference!

   Everyone who is hearing my voice is a chosen spirit. Even those of you tuned in hoping to find a reason to ridicule me are chosen!! Yes! What you feel as a spirit of contention, wherein you seek to fight against the pricks, to right wrongs, is nothing more than your soul’s yearning to help you return to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which is my gospel, to do with as the Lord sees fit to advise me. You know this! And it is why you pay attention!!

   It seems all so clear to me now, how the Lord influenced my life so that when the time to make choices was upon me, I made the correct choices, the ones that kept me on the covenant path, and to an eventual reunion with our older brother and Savior and his Father, who is our Father, too.

   The fact that I stand here before you, in the role of Prophet, Seer & Revelator says as much, and I am grateful for your sustaining power because that is what it is! Your faith in the Lord, and in me, give me power and give you power, as well as a close association with the ultimate source of wisdom and knowledge, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who stands at the head of … well, at the head of everything!

   And now I feel the need, or at least I did when I began gathering my thoughts about this meeting, and thinking about what I was going to say, and wondering how the Lord would inspire me, to tell you that the apparent growth in the numbers of Saints who are said to be leaving, even resigning, from the Church, is Bogus. Yes, B-o-g-u-s! As in, it’s a fraud!! <waves arms and hands maniacally>

   And here I show you proof! <holds up a single sheet of 8-1/2 x 11 white paper, with printing on it>. This is a letter addressed to the Church Membership department purporting to be from me, in which I am supposedly asking for my membership in the church to be removed! Ha!!

   Obviously, my dear brothers and sisters of all colors, hues, stripes, and textures, I did not write, nor did I mail this letter! And if this letter is a fraud, how many others like it are frauds?

   It is for this reason that I have reinstated the membership, along with all the rights, powers and privileges associated therewith, of all who have purportedly resigned, until such time as each and every person who wants to repudiate my reinstatement can visit the Church Membership office with the appropriate documentation and swear before Man and God that they are forsaking their loving Savior, even Jesus Christ, who suffered and died for their sakes. We will require DNA proof and will be video-recording any such proceedings, as the availability of suitable witnesses provides.

   And even those few members who actually sent in legitimate requests are sure to breathe a sigh of relief; they now have the opportunity to walk into their Ward building with a renewed feeling of hope and satisfaction: the Lord Jesus Christ has reached out the hand of mercy to them. Come back to us, all is forgiven! Let us all rejoice.

   And now we will hear and watch a 1977 video recording of the Tabernacle Choir singing “How Round is the Noose of the Lamb”, following which President Henry B. Eyring will detail to all the good Sisters of the Church how to bind and hide their bosoms so that men need no longer be lead astray by hormonal impetuses brought on by slavish instincts implanted by the adversary, to which the flesh is heir to. While it is not your fault, good Sisters, you can be the cure! You MUST BE THE CURE!! Brother Eyring will give you the details.

   And now I leave you with my blessing, that if you will pay an honest tithe, and love your fellow man, of all color, hues, stripes and textures, you will be blessed beyond even your ability to comprehend. May you know the peace of being clasped into the bosom of the Lamb.

   I say these things in both my name, as a living prophet, and in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. Even



edited thru wisdom & authority



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/21/2021 02:35PM by elderolddog.

Excellent, EOD, but with one exception;


'in the name of Jesus Christ' should be preceded by "even"...

just sayin'

...happy now?

Speaking of yourself in the third person again, Jesus?

GNPE Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Is the SL Temple closed for renovation?
>
> (is their an exception for the Q15?)

The church "renovated" one of the floors in the JS memorial building just for "them and only them" so they can continue to have their temple euphoria while the average temple toting member has to go elsewhere.

I remember making the comment that this alternative temple should have been completed BEFORE they shut down their holy of the holies (but what do I care?). It just makes their true colors shine as IDIOTS.

I think they're going to announce a temple for Mars.

Now why do they have to bother going through the temple charade any longer? Their calling and election is made sure and they no longer have to work for their place in heaven

Spintobear Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Now why do they have to bother going through the
> temple charade any longer? Their calling and
> election is made sure and they no longer have to
> work for their place in heaven

Good point!

I bet the only time that they have sat through a session has been in the company of some junior church leaders.

They probably needed their private boys' room holy of the holies as a place to act VIP and eat their chocolates on Thursdays.

Several exciting pronouncements!

1) If you are planning a vacation to take your family to travel the route of the Historic Mormon Trail - repent! As a member of the Church you should be calling it The Historic Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Trail.

2) The youth today are the chosen generation saved for the last days to usher in the Second Coming. If you older members recall hearing this when you were young, don't be bothered. It's true this time because President Nelson says so!

3) People are starving all over the world and you may be tempted to donate to a food bank or homeless shelter. Repent! Donate to the church and we'll use your money how we see fit.

4) Temples! We are planning a sacred temple on Bikini Atoll but only if their government consents to change the name to Modest Atoll.

5) We continue to love everyone but it really helps us love you if you look like us, think like us and obey our pronouncements.

   It was a dark and stormy night, but you wouldn't have known it based on the attendance at the evening priesthood session of Conference.

   Man and Boy, the Conference Center was full to the brim. An early hilarious attempt by some young and not so young women, clad in pants, sports coats, white shirts, and ties, had been beaten back with only a few casualties: three ushers had sustained bruised testicles, leading one to believe that the women were not as pure as they should have been! Only harlots knew men had balls!

   When 2nd Counselor Okie Dokes rose to call the session to order, his first words were, "All of you who are NOT men, or are harboring some doubts on this issue, must leave now!"

   Four individuals from the left side of the audience rose in not quite ordered fashion and made their ways to the aisles and thence out of the Conference Center. There was a look of satisfied ferocity on Okie Dokes' face!

   When the last of the four had existed, he thundered, "Is that all of you? Well, is it!?" And two more attendees rose and hurried from the Center.

   Then as Okie Dokes opened his mouth to speak again, an egg went sailing by, within inches of his head and splatted in the lap of the Lord's mouthpiece on this earth, Rusty Milhaus Nelson. Not many in the hall were aware of what had just happened. Okie Dokes himself was initially only aware that something had been thrown at him, and he was busy scanning the audience, looking for some sign that would identify the culprit!

   In the meantime, apostles Holland and some other White dude (I can't tell them apart without a program) were huddled with the Prophet, each hoping the other would take out a handkerchief and do the necessary dabbing about in the Prophet's crotch. The look on Rusty's face was one of haughty enthusiasm, with a tincture of 'should-I-get-pissed-now' loitering on the fringes.

   Meanwhile, in the audience, a priest and two deacons had piled onto a teacher who was holding another egg in his left hand. HIS LEFT HAND!!

   Those sitting nearby could hear the teacher's grating voice as he urged his compatriots to let him go so that he could throw this second egg at what passes for God's walking seer stone. One of the men seated near the gaggle of teens later commented that he heard the phrase, "...seersucker suit..."

   While this hub-bub was growing, a young man on the east side of the auditorium screamed as loud as he could. And while all eyes were drawn to him, two more eggs came lofting into the stand, from the west side of the auditorium. Both missed living targets, but those on the stand heard them splatters and the lizard portion of their brains interpreted the sounds accurately: They were under attack!!! And their first reaction was: FLEE!!!

   Which they did.

   As those in the audience became aware of what was happening on the stand, they came to the same conclusion. So within 12 minutes, the Conference Center was empty.

   And in the more or less orderly stampede, the original egg thrower was able to free himself and disappear. And no one had the vaguest idea as to who had thrown the other two eggs.

   The next morning, an OpEd piece in the SLTribune appeared, titled, "The doughnuts weren't ready when the menfolk got home."

   For a Sabbath Day, or for any day as far as that goes, the level of hilarity in the comments section was off the charts.

   At Sunday's first session of Conference, the start was delayed because everyone entering had to go through an egg detector machine, which caught a few people by surprise since not everyone had heard of the previous night's disaster!

   And once inside, everyone wanted to talk about it and the level of babbling was so high that it took the newest apostle, B. Rufus Kingfish, who was slated to preside, almost 30 seconds to get something approaching silence to reign.

   At which point he was hit in the back of the head by an egg thrown from the women's section of the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square, with the accompanying female shout, "I'm a Mormon, you idiots! A MORMON!"






I grant total immunity to CZ to use this as he/they/it pleases for a 59 year period, at which point I plan to make a movie, starring me as the Kingfish.

I see Mormonism being LOST

It doesn't know weather
It is leading or following

And, it CAN'T (doesn't) lead

It doesn't follow the Tao
So it is going down

It is way out of balance
A top, going bottom up

It has no middle
It's very little

It's on REPEAT
Nothing new on the street

Dead end road
Heavy empty load

Pot holes
Empty bowls

Preaching - as it/ they always have - utter superstions, false dreams, fabricated attitudes and stories, hypotheticals, pure nonsense, and other fictitious drivel.

"The 'church'" is THE CHURCH the church warns members about. Remember?