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Posted by: slskipper ( )
Date: August 21, 2021 01:54PM

So are the speech writers ready to tear their hair out? Whatever is going through their overloaded brains right now?

My prediction: they are even now working on a revelation to top all other revelations. Something really big. Announcing temples is small potatoes compared to what they will be suddenly inspired to announce.

Remember, you heard it here first, folks.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: August 21, 2021 02:10PM

    I think that the fate of the copywriter who in 2018 lept up and exclaimed, "I know!!  We'll announce a temple in Russia!!" will provide some restraint.  

    Here's what would impress me:   The prophet standing tall at the podium to announce that the lord had revealed to him that unless you've been vaccinated, you can't perform an office in the church nor go to the temple.  While science says it's okay to get the shot(s) at age 12, the lord already knew that, which is why deserving males get the holy, gosh-darn priesthood at that very age.

    Unvaccinated mormons can only sit in the pews, masked, taking the sacrament gloved, and passing the sacrament trays gloved...  And yes, they can use a testimony glove!

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: August 30, 2021 11:51AM

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>     I think that the fate of the copywriter
> who in 2018 lept up and exclaimed, "I
> know!!  We'll announce a temple in Russia!!"
> will provide some restraint.  

>     Unvaccinated mormons can only sit in the
> pews, masked, taking the sacrament gloved, and
> passing the sacrament trays gloved...  And yes,
> they can use a testimony glove!


I wanna know if ChurchCo has any of the testimony glove action!

What is the ROI?

Is production exclusively offshore?

What are the sales figures & trends?

What is the gross margin?

What other products are in that line, what future products are in R&D?

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: August 30, 2021 05:16PM

    How about gloves that you put on at night that don't let your fingers curl so that you can't ... you know ... grasp anything nor do anything naughty?

    And now that you've brought up masturbation, Mr. GNPE, what's with women getting pretty much a free pass, what with horseback riding, and etcetera?  A Laurel can be dressed for church and then go stand next to the washing machine . . .

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: August 30, 2021 07:03PM

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
    And now that you've brought up
> masturbation, Mr. GNPE, what's with women getting
> pretty much a free pass, what with horseback
> riding, and etcetera?  A Laurel can be dressed
> for church and then go stand next to the washing
> machine . . .


Your (flithy) mind, I never brought up M!

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Posted by: cl2notloggedin ( )
Date: August 21, 2021 06:45PM

that there won't be a Saturday night session

and you really don't get your own planet

and those garments you've been wearing for 60 years don't really protect you

Oh, wait, they already did that. What are they going to take away at conference. It has to be bigger than these things.

Almost time for my daughter to come home from Alaska. I can't wait.

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Posted by: cheezus ( )
Date: August 21, 2021 10:26PM

Session one... The lights are not completely dimmed and you see the first presidency flanking the ppodium. Russ will conduct and start the conference. He walks to the podium and begins with the welcoming to this historic conference. All at once the First presidency smells something terrible and start waving their hands under their nose as if trying to find untainted air. Henry seems to see something on the carpet and quickly scribbles a note and places it on the podium for his boss. Russ is quiet as he reads the note then steps back from the podium and lifts a leg to look at the bottom of his shoe. Russ looks at the camera with a puzzled and embarrassed look on his face and quips to the global audience while turning back to Oaks and Eyring. "Well bretheren", he says "we really stepped in it this time." The counselors nervously chuckle and then the 12 get the joke about the same time their olfactory senses get the aroma. The show continues on....

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Posted by: Heartless ( )
Date: August 21, 2021 10:59PM

I think the true challenge will be what can they say without a public back lash?

After the public outrage over destroying temple murals and the outright open hostility to the get the shot and wear a mask revelation. I bet they're afraid to do much.

Only good thing about conference..... All the case lot sales.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: August 21, 2021 11:07PM

    It was a dark and stormy night, but you wouldn't have known it based on the attendance at the evening priesthood session of Conference.  Man and Boy, the Conference Center was full to the brim.  An early hilarious attempt by some young, and not so young women, clad in pants, sports coats, white shirts and ties, had been beaten back with only a few casualties: three ushers had sustained bruised testicles, leading one to believe that the women were not as pure as they should have been!  Only harlots knew about men's balls!

    When 2nd Counselor B. Okie Dokes rose to call the session to order, his first words were, "All of you who are NOT men, or are harboring some doubts on this issue, must leave now!"

    Four individuals from the left side of the audience rose in not quite ordered fashion and made their ways to the aisles and thence out of the Conference Center.

    There was a look of satisfied ferocity on B. Okie Dokes' face!  When the last of the four had existed, he thundered, "Is that all of you?  Well, is it!?"  And two more attendees rose and hurried from the Center.

    Then as Okie Dokes opened his mouth to speak again, an egg sailed by, within inches of his head, and splatted in the lap of the Lord's mouthpiece on this earth, Rusty Milhaus Nelson!!  Not many in the hall were aware of what had just happened.  B. Okie Dokes himself was only aware that something had been thrown at him, and he was busy scanning the audience, looking for some sign that would identify the culprit!

    In the meantime, apostles Holland and some other White dude (I can't tell them apart without a program) were huddled with the Prophet, each hoping the other would take out a handkerchief and do the necessary dabbing about in the Prophet's crotch.  The look on Rusty's face was one of haughty enthusiasm, with a tincture of 'should-I-get-pissed-now' loitering on the fringes.

    Meanwhile, in the audience, a priest and two deacons had piled onto a teacher who was holding another egg in his left hand. HIS LEFT HAND!!

    Those sitting nearby could hear the teacher's grating voice as he urged his compatriots to let him go, so that he could throw the second egg at what passes for God's walking seer stone.  One of the men seated near the gaggle of teens later commented that he heard the phrase, "...seersucker suit..."

    While this hubbub was growing, a young man on the east side of the auditorium screamed as loud as he could.  And while all eyes were drawn to him, two more eggs came lofting into the stand, from the west side of the auditorium.  Both missed living targets, but those on the stand heard them splatters and the lizard portion of their brains interpreted the sounds accurately: They were under attack!!!  FLEE!!!

    And flee they did!

    As those in the audience became aware of what was happening on the stand, they came to the same conclusion.  So within 12 minutes, the Conference Center was empty.  And in the more or less orderly stampede, the original egg thrower was able to free himself and disappear.  And no one had the vaguest idea as to who had thrown the other two eggs.

    The next morning, an OpEd piece in the SLTribune appeared, titled, "The doughnuts weren't ready yet when the menfolk got home."  For a Sabbath Day, or for any day as far as that goes, the level of hilarity in the comments section was off the charts.

    At Sunday's first session of Conference, entry was delayed because everyone entering had to go through an egg detector protocol, which caught a lot of people by surprise since not everyone had heard of the previous night's disaster!  Then once inside, everyone wanted to talk about it and the level of babbling was so high that it took the newest apostle, Rufus B. Kingfish, who was slated to preside, almost 30 seconds to get something approaching silence to reign.

    At which point he was hit in the back of the head by an egg thrown from the women's section of the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square, with the accompanying female shout, "I'm a Mormon, you idiots! A MORMON!"








    "If a man can't dream, what's the point of living?"

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: August 22, 2021 12:56AM

U forgot the mention the presence of a semi-transparent 'COVID' screens between the GAs, their minions, and another one in front shielding them all from the unwashed masses...

the accountants, financial wizards, top lawyers, and other lackeys are all in attendance, but they don't let 'outsiders' know who they are!

just sayin'



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/22/2021 01:37AM by GNPE.

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: August 22, 2021 03:59AM

… B. Okie Dokes … !

LOL :D

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Posted by: messygoop ( )
Date: August 22, 2021 04:19AM

My Mom's local temple has been closed. According to a brother who is on the stake's temple committee, there are changes coming to the endowment session.

No, the temple is neither closed for cleaning for the virus nor major renovations. It is implied that the church is working out how to do the session with minimum contact and or gloves.

It is also suggested that the session will be further shortened in length. It is believed that this being done as a measure to appear that the church is on-board in taking proactive measures to keep people safe within stricter indoor guidelines that are established. Again, this is well outside of the Morridor where the church can't persuade local leaders.

My Mom was unable to view the Thursday night video conference for all adult TR holders. Otherwise she would have told me with certainty about possible changes.

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Posted by: Tiger ( )
Date: August 22, 2021 03:16PM

A leader in our ward also mentioned in passing he'd heard it from a friend in the states that they were planning temple changes to minimise contact between people.

Be interested to know what that will look like. Particularly re baptisms for dead, confirmations, anointing and initatories, prayer circles.

If they do eliminate all contact the ordinances will have to change quite significantly.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: August 22, 2021 04:28PM

I've heard (as in completely made-up) that they're gonna turn the temple ceremony into a Mr. Toad's Wild Ride where you sit in a little car on a track and go from room to room and ceremony to ceremony, wearing earphones, and you get off in the Celestial Room, which isn't as fun as it sounds.


Would I lie?

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: August 30, 2021 12:28PM

they're going to start doing cremations in the temples;

Also, pregnant women can come to the temples to give birth, giving a New Meaning to 'born in the covenant'...

'cradle to grave' as it were.


Yes, you heard it here First.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2021 12:30PM by GNPE.

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Posted by: Shinehah ( )
Date: August 22, 2021 02:21PM

Who put the "General" in general conference?
Was it because Joseph Smith was a wannabe general?
Or because in general only 'general authorities' get to speak?
Maybe because generally only the most devoted of the general membership watch conference?
Much of the rest of the General membership consider conference a vacation from church.
Perhaps it's because the general public don't know or care a conference.

Or is it because in general the talks are generic and boring?

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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: August 22, 2021 03:21PM

I can't wait.

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Posted by: dagny ( )
Date: August 22, 2021 08:07PM

The big revelation will be that the church will start manufacturing cleaning products that the members should buy to clean the meeting houses.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: August 22, 2021 08:42PM

Why wouldn’t a just and loving ghawd be okay with deducting a reasonable amount from your ‘cash’ tithing for very hour you worked for the church? In any capacity…

Imagine how much more apologetics would be churned out!

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Posted by: babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: August 23, 2021 08:23AM

Get your tickets now for Russellmania!

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Posted by: cheezus ( )
Date: August 30, 2021 08:59AM

"Russellmania" is too perfect!!!

Cannot wait to see how the rest of the family boos me using that phrase when I ask, "So, how's Russellmania?" and I might ask if any one has use the "prophetic smack-down" or if the church approved folding chair has been used yet.

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Posted by: Brother Of Jerry ( )
Date: August 30, 2021 10:31AM

A stake president who has come out as gay will be invited to commandeer the podium to discuss how HF has guided him. Nelson will announce that several GAs have “struggled with same-sex attraction”. He will state that “we choose not to identify them, out of respect for their privacy, but be assured that they are valiant and respected servants of the Lord.”


::snort:: Right. As if….

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: August 30, 2021 12:18PM

- ushers will hand out a blunt to each family as they enter the G&SB

- an underling says: "Don't pay any attention to the person behind the curtain!"

- soon after Holland begins speaking, a couple of rounds of rotten fruit & eggs will splatter on the dias; some missing, a few Direct Hits. Holland will only survive because a hook on a long pole pulls him away;

- otherwise, it will be boring & self-serving


Hey! If a baseball player could hit .500, s/he would write their own ticket for Life!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2021 03:45PM by GNPE.

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Posted by: Phazer ( )
Date: September 02, 2021 10:52PM

Another snoozefest episode just like all the rest of them.

Will the profit come out with the covid19 solution straight from God as a new revelation OR just more old stories that happened in the 80s?

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Posted by: adoylelb ( )
Date: September 03, 2021 03:19PM

Right before they do the vote for sustaining the leadership, they announce that in addition to the temple recommend, proof of vaccination will be needed to enter a temple.

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