So my large extended TBM family is having a reunion in my city, largely due to my TBM parent aging and celebrating a birthday.

The usual list of activities includes going to church, a possible side trip to the Temple (eek!), and a photo session.

Trouble with this is that my kids and I have been looked down on by the TBM family and refused much needed financial help (I have been trying to help support 2 kids alone due to a negligent father), which I KNOW FOR A FACT they would have offered 20 times over, had I still been TBM.

That I quit Mormonism 10 years ago, has left them with the viewpoint that "blessings don't come from leaving it..."

So that's fine. I would rather make my own way and be proud of my efforts, than take their $$. BUT the expectation that we should spend this reunion time with them, especially doing things that are not of interest to us (church, especially), is going to be a sore point with them.

And stressful for me, because I have to repeatedly turn them down. I wish they understood what it's like to be surrounded by 30+ members when you are a non-believer. It's really not fun (we've done it enough times just to be good sports, and each time, my kids were disappointed by how they treated us.)

So what to do?

I'd try to be out of town that weekend. It's a tough situation to be in I know. My family are all non-Mormons and don't like to associate so I'm lucky.

I hope it works out for you.

Go to what you feel comfortable with, if anything and skip the rest. They are probably doing some things that aren't church related. maybe you could attend one or more of these things. I would not go to church, the temple or any of the other religious events. If you don't want to go to anything, that is okay too. Be busy or out of town

Maybe plan on going to one or two of the more fun activities (are they having a party to celebrate the birthday? Or a picnic?) to demonstrate sociability, and have plans for the rest of the time. I would especially make sure to have plans for when they do the temple trip, and are looking for a stooge (umm...babysitter.)

I'd find alternative plans. Even if it meant you were washing the cat. Don't have a cat? Get one. There's always a free ad for kittens. ;^)
If you really want to go, go, but it does not sound like you do.
Susan

Be happy and outgoing about your exmo beliefs and don't worry about how you will be treated. It is what it is! Tell them no when they need to be told! Stand up for yourself.

I guarantee there are a grunt load of nieces, nephews, siblings who are watching you like a hawk. They NEED the example that only you can provide.

I speak from experience. Out of 150 close relatives (Both my wife and I are one of 8 children in our respective families), we and our three girls are the only ones who have left. We have been to reunions that are thinly veiled testimony meetings. We politely refuse. Family prayer and blessings on food. If they feel like it we'll wait till their done. We abruptly change the subject on all Church related crap. Its been twelve years now and I can honestly say that our MANY nieces and nephews think we are way cool. Some have left the church. My guess is many more to follow.

I LIKE being a pioneer!

Yes, some of the nieces and nephews have long watched me like a hawk, and were somewhat interested in my choices...UNTIL RECENTLY when my youngest teen went through huge difficulties and suddenly, all their parents (my sibs and their spouses) have pointed their fingers and said, "See, that's what happens when you leave the church."

So they are now mostly buying into the family's concept that staying Mormon is the "safe thing to do.." Doing what I'm doing leads to drug abuse and crime etc.--which is literally what my youngest kid was involved in, sadly....and now is in recovery from.

But her situation has to do with a number of factors that they can't or won't accept. One of them being her having a negligent father (my ex-spouse) who is alcoholic and who doesn't support us or my kids, and another factor--my TBM family having treated us and her very poorly!

In the past, when I turned to these TBM siblings for support, while going through divorce etc., I started to gradually leave Mormonism at the time. They didn't want much to do with us, and treated us almost like we didn't exist--except to show up with a loaf of bread or insist we spend holiday dinners with them, but the rest of the time, keep a distance and it was noticeably felt that "we were damaged goods etc." They have more means due to having two parents working ineach of their families, and so it would seem to my kids that they had so much more than we did, physically. They tended to flaunt this, and never offered to take my kids for a day in the summer etc. even though they (sisters) had summers off (they work as teachers) and saw me struggling to work full-time year round and needing the support.

This left a hole in my kids' hearts because they already had no father in their life, and then had aunts and uncles who were barely interested in them, except to entice them back out to church. But not to take them somewhere fun for a few hours or help them when we were truly struggling. It was very superficial. I and my oldest child picked up on that, but my youngest has never been good at noticing these subtleties. One of the worst experiences was when we were all at a reunion when she was tiny, and I asked if I could leave my kdis with all of them for a few hours to run errands. Since there were 20 o rmore of them, I left, and when I got back, found out my youngest nearly drowned, but when my TBM parents noticed she was nearly drowning, they pointed it out to a TBM swimmer in the crowd, who said, "Not my responsibility" and refused to jump in after her.

My child survived by one of her adult aunts, who is afraid of hte wate rand doesn't swim, going in after her anyway. this TBM auntof my child's told me the story when I got back, and I thanked her... and vowed never to leave my kids alone with the smug TBM uncle who had refused to save her that day, despite his bieng the only real swimmer in the crowd.

My youngest, who nearly drowned that day, may now pick up on some of the hypocracy of most of the tBMS in our extended family now that she's older... She's been more willing to put up with their phoneyness and fakery because they (TBMS) have a lot of money, more than we do--so she is a bit mixed up. "They at least have money..." vs us having to do with less. She's very materialistic, even though I am not.

It wasn't just that near drowning incident. Where we used to live (which was much closer to a bunch of my TBM siblings, who are all coming to the reunion with their kids), they (TBM sibs) always insisted we spend time with them at holidays, but whenever we did) were often inconsiderate and showed almost no interest in us and our needs while we lived in the same city as they.

Yet they expected us to do church-y things with them and were terribly upset when we didn't. Initially, I went along with their invitations back then, but after time, when I saw them not showing any genuine interest in my kids, who were attention starved and needy in so many ways, I politely declined those invitations (we'd go some of the time only, or go for an hour or two, then leave), and they started to treat us even worse--with a combination of fear and loathing (fearful that I'd drag their kids down, loathing becuase they are ultra TBMs, and have been taught, as I was growing up, that an exmo is evil etc.)

What I guess is at the bottom of my frustration with them is that they basically feel like they can treat us like crap most of the time, but still expect us to show up and partcipate in the things htey plan, like this reunion. As I say, I can continue to politely decline, and just go for the parts that I want to... but will still have to deal with them bugging and trying to cajole me or my kids into more than we'd like to particpate in... Such fun!

In case things get uncomfortable, have a built in excuse for possibly having to leave early.Let them know you may have to leave and have an excuse ready. If things go well, stay. If not, make your excuses.Don't go to anything that makes you uncomfortable and have excuses ready.Be busy, have plans.

You sound like the kind of person who has tried your best.

You don't need to hang out with 30 people who think they are better than you and try to make you feel bad about your choices.

I'd say thanks, but no thanks to their offers of activities.

It's not like this is the first time. You have to go thru your life doing what is best for you and your kids. Your family pressures you to participate in activities and then aims hurtful actions and comments your way.

I think you have done your share. Go enjoy the days with your kids and they can enjoy their days.

btw: if they ask why you can say you have other plans.

Yeah, the thing that will bug them the most is that we are a musical family and they will want us to all sing in church together. I don't plan on going at all, but they will try to convince me/us. And that I should be part of a special musical number they are going to try to get us to all do for our parent's sake.

The thing is, I have done a lot to help our parent over hte past few years, despite having extremely limited means and abilities...but have reached the end of my rope in terms of my own physical and mental strength and abilities. All my energies are needing to be focused now on my kids, who have disabilities. This parent, who has a few medical challenges, is intent on (and won't give up) on me going back to church, which is never going to happen, so I say not going is the best answer... otherwise it keeps giving the parent (and a few of the others) hope that things will change in that area.

I can imagine them saying, "Well, just come!" and "Do it for (parent)!" and I will have to say, "Already have a church I belong to!" (which is the church of much needed R & R). Last time I went for said parent, and brought one of my kids along, I was ok with it, but it caused intense stress for my child, who absoloutely hates and can't stand being in the spotlight. She said strange women accosted her and came up to her and it was very uncomfortable, so much that she never wants to go again.

I can't see any of this working out comfortably except for maybe the sports and other activities during the week, which only one child is even remotely interested in. So yes, I can try to go to the "fun" stuff with the child that wants to..but those aren't the ones they want us to go to. They want us to participate in the weekend stuff, which will involve going to the family birthday and church.

One sibling has "assigned me" to do the set up for th ebirthday, just to ensure I am there for the party etc. where they will do a family portrait. My situation is my child with disability intensely dislikes getting her picture taken and doesn't want to do it, so I suppose I can say that I need to be home with this child. Or leave this child at home, go for the set up and go back home to be with my child.

FYI, I can't just take my kids and go out of town that weekend, which is what I had hoped to do originally, due to a business trip I may have to do. The problem with going out of town is that one kid does not want to go out of town, even if I planned something fun for us.

This kid (my youngest, a teen) has OCD, ADD and depression, and doesn't feel like just picking up and doing much of anything. She recently went through some major challenges, and got involved with some rough kids and experimented with drugs, which was terrifying for me and very difficult for both of us, as she didn't want to move with us (we recently moved across the country, and she of course wanted to stay but unfortunately, her gang of friends, in our old home city, were mostly either dropping out of school or in trouble at school or with the law). We moved away not solely because of that, but I can't say it wasn't partially a factor. It was all a huge ordeal, and still is in recovery mode.

This particular (troubled) child doesn't mind going to some Mormon stuff, so she can see her cousins, whereas my other child won't go to any of it, period. Unfortunately, my entire TBM family will be trying to make an example of me and my troubled teen by saying, "See, if you leave the church, this is what happens..." etc. They tend to think that it's a natural outcome that my youngest has fallen hard because of us having no church, religion, etc. and no doubt are smugly telling their kids this. (Meanwhile, my older TBM sib's child fell into a similar predicament some 10 years ago, ran away from home, got pregnant, etc.... despite them being an extremely active TBM family, but that was and will continue to be conveniently hushed up, as though it never happened.)

I feel the my "troubled teen" needs and even wants some interaction with some of the family, regardless of how they have been around us/me. So I have to straddle that child's wanting to participate a little, and me and other child not wanting to.

I guess I'll be doing a little back and forth, going to an hour here, then going home but if the youngest teen wants to stay longer and hang with the rest of the TBMs, let her do it and go back and pick her up when she wants me to.

But when it comes to the weekend church etc, I will likely have to say, "Can't, sorry..." OR may have to force my oldest child with disability to at least go to the birthday party, which she doesn't really want to do, eat something, and then leave with her (as I'm pretty sure she won't want to hang around any longer than eating--she abhors crowds due to her disability).

My older kid (with disability) says she does not want to see any of the TBMs. She is very perceptive and knows when people are fake vs genuine, and really doesn't fit in with the TBM crowd, who are all about image, image, image --our TBM extended family is especially this way. So I guess in a way, she is my answer. I can mostly be home with her, to support and care for her.

But I do know if I leave my other kid (youngest teen) on her own with the TBMs, mark my word, the majority of them will try to get her to go to church with them. She may end up going, even out of curiosity, which I guess is fine if she really wants to...She's the type of kid who may actually benefit from hanging around and/or meeting other teens, even if they are TBM.. but she will end up learning the hard way that they will be relentless in insisting in trying to convert her, etc.

I have thought of one other solution. We have a pool at our place, and I can try to encourage my kids to at least go to one of the fun TBM activities and the birthday party, but for the rest of it, say no thanks but counter invite them (TBMS) over to our place.

We have a pool (and where we are is extremely hot) and if they end up really wanting to see us and spend time, they can come over and visit at our place. I can see a few of them wanting to do that, at least, the cousins anyway, so that may solve the issue of my younger kid who wants to see her cousins.

Thanks all. I have tried and gone with a smile on my face etc. but it usually has turned into a huge stress when I've tried to leave after a few hours.

They generally don't accept if when you say you have to go (they get hugely upset and offended, etc.) which is why it feels better to not go at all.

I also like being a pioneer, but it does get a little overwhelming as the lone exmo in a group of around 40+ people.

DO NOT GO!

Why put yourself and the kids through such torture.

Don't answer the phone, don't open the door, don't accept their e-mails for that week.

Don't go for the sake of your youngest child. She is struggling and mormons exploit vulnerability. They will do their best to suck her in and, if she is fragile, they might succeed.

My youngest really wants to go to some of it, so I'm only thinking that if she wants to do the recreational stuff only, then I'll go with her to that portion.

But if they want her to do the church meeting, well, I think that part will be easy. I have to go out of town that week anyway for work, so it probably is not likely to happen.

I can imagine, though, if we were in town on the Sunday and they pressed her to go to church with them, they'd be fawning all over her. Which is funny because they haven't fawned all over her otherwise, even though she's clearly been in need of love and support. I think she's smart enough to see the hypocracy. But am not sure there would be any value to that in her, getting to see up close their hypocracy.

And add to that that the local members would ask her details about her life, and at that point, they'd start coming around our house. I don't think my daughter would fall for what they're teaching her because she's pretty adamantly atheist... but, she may find it amusing.

She told me she'd like to go to a meeting one day, just to see what it's like (she hasn't been since a child), and I told her one day when we are travelling, we'll go... but not in our own city. I'll take her for an hour and let her see what it's like. But not where we live. Don't want to be harrassed after all these years!

I was wondering what to do about the sibling who is doing most of the organizing, who asked if I could do the weekend morning set up of tables etc.? A caterer is coming but she wanted to assign me something to do since I didn't volunteer, and just to make sure I come that day.

I didn't respond when a sheet with choices of ways to help was passed out. But I didn't respond not because I don't want to offer any type of help, but because I am stressed out in the midst of a job search plus working plus have two kids who have a zillion needs... This sibling, who is dividing up the responsibilities, has never worked, and just travels all over on her husband's paychecks. She's got all the time in the world, whereas I do not.

After not responding for a few days, I finally reluctantly responded: "Should be ok..." but since then have been thinking due to my possible need to travel that weekend for interviews the following week, I may still not be able to do it, even if I wanted to.

So, I may end up just not going and in that case, will have to call to say I can't do it. Or just not show.

Or, I could go and do a little set up for an hour or so that morning but then leave .... even though they would really get on my case about leaving.

My eldest has already said no way is she going and she especially doesn't want to be part of the portrait or photo shoot. I honestly feel the same. It feels horrible being part of a photo with people who are so uninterested in our lives, except to try to reconvert us (I've given them plenty of opportunity to get to know us in friendly ways, over the past 10 years, including inviting them out for a hot chocolate or smoothie etc... They each turned me down...) so it feels incredibly phoney to pose with them and be part of their big Mormon-fest when it is just *not me* * not us*.

My youngest? She may want to go just for the meal etc. so I suppose I could let her go to the meal, stay with my other daughter and when the meal is done, we go out of town.

They will throw a shit fit if they discover that me and the eldest do not want to come for the meal or the photo shoot. It may sound callous for us not to want to be part of it, but my eldest child has autism and she abhors crowds and photos, and that's why she doesn't want to be part of the meal and portrait. I don't mind having a meal with them but am not exactly in the mood for smiling for a portrait with people who have been so unkind and insensitive to our needs over the years. I guess I will quit whining on here now and just do what I need to do.

Sorry for all the extra vents! ps - I am trying to think of a good line but I guess I don't really need one, other than "daughter doesnt' feel comfortable. she hates photos and crowds." If you want to come over and see us, in a small group or one on one, that's fine... but otherwise, we'll pass."

All of this will not be acceptable to them, so the easiest route will be to simply be away. So, we may have to do that.

Thks Introverted me. That was just what I needed to hear. I don't think any of this would be a problem if my youngest wasn't in such a difficult vulnerable state right now. She doesn't want to go anywhere, so I can't just go out of town easily...or make other plans with her. I need to get her on board with a back-up plan.

The other issue is if she genuinely wants to go to the day of the birthday party, etc., and to see her cousins, I don't want her to remember that Mom forbade her to go. I want her to feel like she had a choice, but also don't want her to get exploited by them. So I guess that's really the issue as to why this is difficult. But that said, I'm not really sure she'll even want to or feel like going to the family party. I guess will just have to play it by ear but have back up plans if she realizes she doesn't want to go, and then we will have a plan in place.

My other child as mentioned already just does not want to go at all. So I don't have to worry about getting her on board.

Unfortunately (dripping sarcasm), work (new position finally found and accepted) will keep me from attending Mrs Truthseeker's family reunion this year. Her Aunt (Rosemary Wixom) was able to take time off to attend the get together for a day last week.

Thanks y'all. It's great to just be able to vent on here. I wish they could understand that non Mormons don't want to do Mormonish things. Is that too hard for them to understand? And why can't they just expect us to go to the recreational things, and recognize in advance that we are not wanting to do the church-y stuff?????

The main events they want me to participate in are on the weekend, and they assume I don't have to work weekends. What they don't know is that I do usually work most weekends, to support my kids. I generally have no choice. I work from home, though, on weekends (writing/research), so they often think that I'm not working and don't get that some people have to work all week. Of course, that's necessary in my case only because I'm an apostate and not a believer, don'tchaknow!

IF I knew there was something really great in the reunion plans that my kids and I could attend, we'd be there, and I'd work around it... but unfortunately (dripping sarcasm here, too!), I am in the middle of hunting for a higher paying job (as the one I currently have isn't enough), so I have to spend every extra hour on the search.

It's tough to pull of an effective job search while working as it is, plus raising 2 kids with special needs--next to impossible. So the last thing I want to do is take time out of my extra tight schedule to get stressed out!

You had mentioned that you might have some family members over for a swim. If it's a community pool with a lifeguard, no worries. If it's a pool at your house, I remember that you mentioned you have lots of non-swimmers in your family -- there might be some potential liability issues. I know that you feel a bit vulnerable at present, so it's just something to keep in mind.

Thanks for thinking of this. Fortunately, there's a lifeguard. I need one for my own kids's sake as neither of them are strong swimmers.

For a long time we went to family things because...well, that's just what you do, right? Family and all, I guess. At the risk of sounding overly cynical and cold (I'm not that way), I think these things are sometimes quite overrated. Family is good, to a point, but when you feel pressured, isolated, and treated poorly there seems to be little or no reason to participate any more. For years and years my husband and I went to all family activities (we were still acting like TBM's, kind of), but we never really enjoyed it. We felt different than them and not close to most of them. So, now we almost never go and we're FAR happier.

It's strange - societal expectations are powerful beyond what we can usually comprehend, and it takes a lot of strength to buck the trends, no matter your faith (or lack of it), but if/when we do life is often much better. Depends on the family, of course - some are very close and no issues are present. I've never been a part of one of those, though, and swimming against the tide, doing what WE want to do and leaving behind toxic, frustrating relationships (I use that term generously) has been liberating for us. We are VERY happy, living true to ourselves and what we actually want to do, and we're learning not to worry what other people think. That takes a while, but it is also freeing beyond words.

Family can be good, but family can also drag a person down into a mire of despair, frustration, and anger. No sense in all that! Live happily ever after and be true to yourself, your children, and what you ACTUALLY believe and want to do in life. You will all be the better for it. :)

I just wanted to add to this that I have found that I LOVE being home. Allowing myself to stay home, from just about anything I can think of that isn't absolutely necessary, is amazing! I love it here, humble as it is - my stuff is here, my identity is here, and it is a safe, secure, private, quiet, uplifting place. Sometimes I think people run here and there doing what everyone else thinks they should be doing - what a relief to let all that go, enjoy the place and concept of home, gather your immediate family about you, and do what you love in an environment free of toxicity and complexity. I am an introverted person, so staying home for me is more rewarding than it may be for many others, but the premise remains - if it makes you happy to stay away from certain events, even though it might make other people unhappy, it is not only o.k., but desirable to do so because it makes YOU happy. Don't dance to another's tune...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/10/2011 02:46PM by introvertedme.

And I would also tell them exactly why: You are sick and tired of being treated so poorly and until they can treat you and your children with the respect you deserve, you will not participate in any activities with them.

Maybe you're not at the place where you can be so blunt with them, but if you can force yourself to do it, you will be establishing healthy boundaries between them and your little family.

Y'all don't need this kind of shit. Seriously.

Good luck to you.

No kidding. If I didn't have kids, you wouldn't catch me going, period.

I guess I need to grow a pair or at least not be afraid to set boundaries... but am not fully able to do so yet. Am a solo parent and think that if I had a partner or was remarried, I would probably more easily be able to say no to all of it. But because I'm on my own with kids, I feel vulnerable to a certain extent. And as mentioned, my one (youngest) child likes most (but not all) of her cousins, so don't want to deprive her of a chance to be with them.

I guess I could try rehearsing how to tell them that I don't like how they've treated us in the past, and let them chew on that for a bit. They will likely be puzzled by that because they have in the past denied ever treating us differently, when it's totally obvious to me/my kids that we are treated very differently by them. For example, TBM parent doesn't ever hug me or my kids, but hugs everyone else. TBM parent freely helps the others out financially, but not me and my kids (or when does so, expects prompt repayment; whereas doesn't expect any repayment from the other TBMs).

Best case scenario is us not attending anything (except maybe a beach or park activity), and if they complain as to why we're not there for the rest of it, just say we've either got other plans but in case my kids want to see their cousins more, then just invite them over to our place for a swim.

My worst case scenario is we do the above, but also I go to help set up for the birthday dinner (doing my little bit to show I care about family, even if they treat us crappily)... but then leave. And take youngest teen to the birthday party if she really wants to go...

But in this case, the family goes ape shit on us for not participating in the party/dinner and portrait, and church etc.

The good news is apparently I won't be the lone exmo, in that one of my TBM sibs' grown kids who has fled Mormonism, tooand her family are coming, . So we have someone we can hang with! That will be cool! It's just such a frustration and uncomfortable to be the "only" black sheep at every gathering.

Oh, and I also forgot to add that my child is frustrated by one of her cousins, who she tells me has always treated her poorly. I never knew this before, and it pains me that this has been the case. So I can let this "saintly child"'s TBM parents know that their saint of a child has been nasty to my kids. Hence, we are uncomfortable hanging out with them. I'll bet they'll be floored. They think their kids are totally perfect in every way.

I say gather your true family and have your own "reunion" doing what you and your kids want.

Will try to do just that. More complex than it seems, bc my kids have very different personalities... so for us to do things together is quite challenging.

My kids seem to be opposite. I am trying to suggest we do one thing one of them likes in the am, and another thing that the other one likes in the pm....

and am challenging them to coming up with a short list of something we'd all like to do together. Might work, might not.

Since you're not a Mormon and won't be at those sorts of activities, any other ex-Mormons are invited to such-and-such non-LDS activity if they want to come. If Mormon family members have a problem with that, then they need to be more inclusive. This is a family reunion, not a Mormon slog-a-thon.

If it weren't a family function, you'd just say, "No thank you, it's not my thing," and be done with it. But, no.

It's like, "Why should I even bother?"

B-cuz they are family.


PS - I don't usually write like this but having a wine cooler to destress after having to spend an aft with TBMS, and after having being "instructed" by TBM parent what time to show up for church so I can participate in performing a family musical number.

That part is *NOT *GOING* TO* HAPPEN!!!!!

Well, they really shouldn't make the assumpton that we will go to church with them. A few of them will be decent and understand if we don't want to do it.. but the majority will expect us to go.

Those ones have added pressure on it by insisting that we all perform a musical number together in Sacrament. I have not been able to say, "No Thanks..." and have decided, unless they ask me, I will just be a no show.

TBM parent has not asked, has demanded. I just ignored the demand, and went on to a differen ttopic.

If the others wonder why I didn't show, I'll say, You never asked. You assumed." and hope they will be civil enough to let it go.. but chances are they won't ... but what can you do...

Just try to be polite or change the subject if they won't allow a polite dialogue.

Update: Going to pieces as am able and wish to, due to my work schedule.

Mostly, I don't get vacation from the job I do, because I work on contract. I can take a few hours off here and there but then have to make it up... so it's working out allright so far.

But still not sure how the Sunday church thing will go over.

I have no problem with missing it as i have to work early in the morning, and then was possibly going to need to go out of town, but that is still up in the air.

But youngest teen is now acting curious about it and potentially wants to go. I say if she goes, she'll have to get up quite early (which she doesn't like to do all year, let alone summers) and go with one of the others, bc I won't be available to take her.

I guess what I'm saying is I don't want it to sound to her like going is forbidden, bc when you forbid, that's when teens like to do the opposite and go. That's kind of what may be going on here. She knows I don't want to go, and am not thrilled about my family being TBMs, but is now kind of curious about the whole thing. So, maybe she'll go and like it.. and the worst case scenario is, she ends up with a few new cult friends who could rope her back into Mormonism, which we left 10 years ago.

I know the negatives of that, in terms of what the expectations on her will be.. But i honestly don't see her ever wanting to give money to them (she's very picky about what little money she does have) and she's not likely to be taken in by the doctrine or "modest clothing" requirements. She loves her short shorts and bikinis!

But where she may be taken is is by some of the friendly people. A short explanation: This is a kid who recently fell in with a bad crowd at school, ended up experimenting with drugs and drinking and tried to run away from home when we had to move, due to a job change. She is now in recovery from all that.

On the one hand, she is extremely vulnerable.. and could get a little sucked in, but the truth is that's not likely to happen for the above reasons. She doesn't have many friends in our new city due to us just having moved a few months ago, and knowing that the majority of the Mormon kids in this area are pretty straight laced, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if she met a few and wanted to enjoy. She may be able to have the best of both worlds in the sense that she would have someone "safe" to do activities with (kids who are not doing drugs--hopefully!) but not have to do all the church services because she is not really interested.

Granted, some of the Members may start asking her to go to church, and she may try it and like it... but I highly doubt that, again bc she's just not a morning person and she doesn't like having to wear extra layers of clothing etc.

So per the reunion, the only challenge I have right now is whether to let her go to church if she wants, to satisfy her curiosity... or not. I feel like my above comment about saying, "She can go but I won't be able to drive her or go with..." makes the most sense, so if she ends up wanting to go with one of my siblings, that would be her only way to do it.

The down side to a family member coming to pick her up is them coming by to bother my other daughter to go, who is dead against it. In her case, I would need to help her find something else to do that morning... so she couldnt' be dragged along.

Well, made it through the week fine. Went to some of the fun activities only (swimming, beach and some sports).

Skipped going to church. Didn't have to worry about youngest teen considering going to church. She loves to sleep in every day in the summer, and there was no way she would get up and go.

Youngest one still hung out with TBMs on Sun. aft and found out pretty quickly how boring it was (aren't they even allowed to go outside and play catch? Soon thereafter, missionaries showed up at the door. She ended up napping all afternoon until I picked her u.) On Sun.evening, took my kids out to a fancy restaurant and had a glass of wine myself. A nice end to the TBM-fest.

The only negative that really happened was when one of my TBM siblings approached my kids to invite them to visit her family. I cannot imagine them ever agreeing to me approaching one of their kids to invite them to stay with me. Double standard!

Been there, done that, with the daughter situation. We'd been out of TSCC for several years, but daughter went to foreign language camp last summer, where she really bonded with a teacher who led her back into the church. She won't listen to any of my attempts to enlighten her on JS, polygamy, etc. She likes the warm fuzzy social stuff. Hopefully this will change when she leaves for a year-long study abroad program next month (she's going someplace where the Church isn't allowed). Her older sis was a TBM until she went to a Midwestern university and did some research and some thinking. She came to her senses.

Worst case scenario: she'll go back, but that may only expose her to the hypocrisy, the crazy teachings, the double standards, the whacked-out people, and the insane requirements of Mormonism. And, it could open the door for you to share some of the things you've read/learned.

Although, if she really doesn't like wearing ugly, concealing clothing and trading Sunday mornings for three hours of benchwarming boredom, she likely won't keep going back. Don't worry too much about it.

As for the other daughter, there are lots of good excuses: she has to help you with something work-related, she got invited somewhere terribly important by a friend she never gets to see, she has a migraine, she has a hangover, she's at a sleepover, she's house-sitting for someone, etc.

For what it's worth, when I'm forced to attend my spouse's TBM family's gatherings, I surround myself with protective white energy before I go. While there, I smile politely, appear to listen attentively, and say NOTHING. When I get home, I smudge myself with sage, take a cleansing bath or ground and center on my lawn, and take a deep breath -- of relief. Then, I savor a nice cup of coffee or wine and thank my deities I no longer believe all those silly things that made me miserable.

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about and I have had to deal with it for 11 years now. Bottom line: Man up and tell them no when it comes to religious crap. Blessings on the food, fine. Family prayers, fine. Church services, no.

There IS no way to avoid it or pretend the elephant isn't there. You just have to say no. Yes, feelings will be hurt and there will be awkward times but that's not your problem. And keep in mind that all those nieces and nephews will be watching to see if you stand up for what you don't believe in. Stick up for yourself and don't let them down. If you don't show them the way then who will?