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Posted by: Allrightythen ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 10:04AM

The husband of Mary, Joseph, was like, “OK.”

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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 10:26AM

It doesn't add up.

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Posted by: bradley ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 10:33AM

Mary: Really, I don't know how it happened. It's an act of God!
Joseph: Okeydoke.

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Posted by: lapsed2 ( )
Date: September 23, 2022 10:13AM

There is a cartoon of Jesus, as a kid, asking Mary “Where do babies come from?” Joseph is standing in the background and says “Yeah, Mary, where DO babies come from?”

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Posted by: cheezus ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 10:48AM

cuckold perhaps?

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Posted by: slskipper ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 10:55AM

Radio Free Mormon/Bill Reel (I can't keep them straight) had a podcast recently entitled, "Did God Have Sex with Mary?". It was all about how many ways the Mormon leadership tried to say God had sex with Mary without saying God had sex with Mary. It's a riot.

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Posted by: Rubicon ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 10:58AM

I had a crazy seminary teacher who thought Mary got the celestial baby batter from Elohim. I also was talking to a Catholic priest and he joked and said Emaculate Conception is a clever way of saying we don't know. I had a Jew tell me he thought someone got into Mary's panties.

Everyone has their opinion. Jesus came from Tinker Bell dust, God the Father's dick and I'm sure some crazy fucker who goes on Coast to Coast AM thinks space aliens knocked Mary up.

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Posted by: bradley ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 11:05AM

Alien hybrid was my first thought too.

Maybe Joseph didn't know how babies are made. Jesus had a really gullible dad.

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Posted by: Chicken N. Backpacks ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 01:16PM

Misread that: thought you said "Ejaculate Conception."

Now THAT'S a conception Mormon's can get behind!*


*Although we assume it was actually the missionary position.

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Posted by: Brother Of Jerry ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 05:52PM

The J is right above the M on the keyboard. Emaculate was a typo, people. Plus the Niceans couldn't spell.

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 06:04PM

Yes, but "Emaculate" was a misspelling, too. There's supposed to be an "s" before the "c."

Damn keyboards!

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 07:47PM

At time in the past I have had to remaculate . . .

But it was worth it.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 08:00PM

Important Historical Mormon Leaders (and who is left out of this category?) have stated that when the Virgin Mary, hearing that her cousin Elizabeth was FINALLY with child, left her home to travel to Liz's place to congratulate her, Elohim and Gabriel met her on the way and Gabriel performed a marriage ceremony, upon the completion of which, Elohim did his duty as a husband.

When she got to Elizabeth's place, 8 minutes later than her ETA, John the Baptist, in embryo, jumped for Joy (another cousin, for whom man is made)...

No, his jump for joy was because he recognized his second cousin, Jesus of Nazareth, Bethlehem and points East, who was busy gestating for joy within the late virgin, Mary.

One assumes that Joseph, the union carpenter, married Mary, making her an official polyandric the-one-true-religion female, maybe even the first?  Of course we all know that JoJu helped create a number of polyandric mormon females...

To my knowledge, this episode of the Life & Times of the Virgin Mary has NOT been filmed and broadcast...  One wonders who might best play the various roles in such a presentation?

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 08:55PM

I think Cheech Marin would make a great Jehovah, but I've heard he's fully committed to an obscure biopic right now.

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Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 11:26AM

A godgasm must have some kind of effect on the universe. I wonder if it is a strange attractor?

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Posted by: Brother Of Jerry ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 05:49PM

Only if it moves at 600 km/s

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Posted by: gemini ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 12:08PM

If Mary's first sexual experience was with God, how could any mortal man compete with that? Kinda feel bad for Joseph.

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Posted by: Allrightythen ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 12:16PM

Was Mary allowed to take the sacrament after Heavenly Father did that to her ?

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Posted by: Allrightythen ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 12:22PM

Joseph getting interviewed to go on a mission:

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman. “

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Posted by: bradley ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 09:13PM

It's okay when God does it.

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Posted by: sunbeep ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 02:01PM

I was taught that heavenly Father "knew" Marry and that is how it happened.

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Posted by: cheezus ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 02:09PM

I'm sure Mary's experience was not a secret, but that it was just too sacred to talk about.

What if God's seed was just too potent and the little swimmers only ended up on the skin? Or if she was just in the vicinity of God taking care of his needs in what He thought was a remote corner of Israel and His seed fulfilled the measure of its creation?

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Posted by: Shinehah ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 02:45PM

I suspect we're not supposed to ponder too much how Mary came to be 'with child'.
Sorta like your neighbor Fertile Mormon Myrtle and her eleven children. We're not supposed to think too much about her and her priesthood holder going at it.

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Posted by: Brother Of Jerry ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 05:59PM

Sounds like the religious version of "having sex with stepfather" porn. You know, The Ecstasy of St Teresa (Bernini) and all that.

To tell you the truth, I think when the bishop was quizzing kids about their sins, he always had one hand under the desk.

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Posted by: anybody ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 08:51PM

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miraculous_birth

*** Isis and Horus
*** Mithras
*** Quetzalcoatl
*** Danae, mother of Perseus

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Posted by: Hockeyrat ( )
Date: September 21, 2022 11:48PM

Yep, mythology is full of virgin births or miraculous births. I used to like some of the Hindu mythology stories from High School.

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Posted by: Happy_Heretic ( )
Date: September 23, 2022 11:18AM

Deus raptor


HH =)

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Posted by: Subeamnotlogedin ( )
Date: September 23, 2022 08:16PM

Back in the 90s I was thought in church that Mary got pregnant through the Holy Ghost. I was a teenager at the time and it did not make sense to me. The Holy Ghost confirms the truthfulness but can also get people pregnant? So I raised my hand in Sunday school and said “how did the Holy Ghost get Mary pregnant?”. The teacher looked at me and said “Milk before meat. You are not ready yet to hear the answer to this question you are still learning about the fundamental teachings of the church this teaching is for the more advanced.
Alright on the way home I asked my mom who was a seminary teacher and born into the church “how did the Holy Ghost get Mary pregnant?” And my mom said that Mary was pregnant by god the father that’s why Jesus was the only begotten son.
Now I had to answers my mom said that god had sex with Mary and my Sunday school teacher said that it was the Holy Ghost.
So next Sunday I had to tell the Sunday school teacher what my mom had said. So the Sunday school teacher replied “we will find out in the afterlife”. Looking back why did that answer “we will find out in the afterlife” satisfy me? It is not an answer.

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Posted by: Heartless ( )
Date: September 23, 2022 10:18PM

For your consideration.

Joseph taught gad made worlds without end and continues to make worlds. (The concept of one planet per god is not in accordance with scripture. It's worlds without end per D&C and the book of Moses.)

So.... How many of his daughters has god had sex with?

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: September 23, 2022 10:41PM

The explanation I heard went something like this…

God wasn’t at that time a ‘mortal man’ so Mary, even IF she had sex with HF / God / Elohim, she was still technically a virgin…



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/23/2022 11:41PM by GNPE.

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Posted by: darth jesus ( )
Date: September 26, 2022 03:24AM

no matter how you look at it, it's just weird

in 21st century parlance that makes joseph a cuck, mary a low iq feminist (blue hair and all), elohim a stud, and jesus a bastard

in an old greco-roman context, that would make jesus a demi-god

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Posted by: cheezus ( )
Date: September 28, 2022 04:31PM

Maybe our mortal minds just cannot comprehend the eternal principles at play here. Maybe God spiritually married Mary AND Joseph temporarily marries Mary. Where have we seen a woman married to multiple men at the same time? I think Smith was onto something.

I came to the same thought about Jesus being a bastard early on in the church departure process and that was something to grapple with. Eternal families as a concept is neither Eternal or conceptually worth the time to think it.

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Posted by: bradley ( )
Date: September 29, 2022 02:49AM

What if Jesus was born gay in the modern church? He might nail himself to a cross.

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Posted by: Wowzer ( )
Date: September 28, 2022 01:15PM

Just wow

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