Posted by:
Bean
(
)
Date: September 13, 2024 04:32AM
My name is Thomas. My life has been flipped upside down over the past month or so and it’s forcing me to acknowledge/figure out what I’ve suppressed for almost a decade now. I apologize if this turns into an incoherent rant, I just need to get it out.
Growing up, I was raised in a “semi-religious” household. My dad has always been an atheist, but my mom was mormon as hell. Some of my earliest memories are of Sunday mornings, dreading going to church. It wasn’t good enough to go to sacrament and then go home. As soon as I was old enough I had to go to all the bullshit classes, read the books, and do the coloring books depicting the BoM. Baptized when I was 8, received the aaronic priesthood when I was 12.
I remember that moment clearly, and arguably it’s when I first started having doubts about the church. I didnt hear the blessing that was given to me, because admittedly I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about how I was supposed to feel the holy ghost and bask in its warm embrace, but I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was confused and worried. I guess I didn’t believe I was worthy of the “power” so god was holding it back. Nonetheless, i was working every day to make sure i was trying to be the perfect little Mormon boy who didn’t stray from the teachings in the slightest; and holy fuck do I regret that now.
Growing up in Utah, of course I had the option to take seminary. The first time I was given the option to I was in the 9th grade, my mom told me she wanted me to do I could “have a quiet spot to think” during HS. This was in 2014-15, that’ll play a part later.
Anyway, I end up taking seminary and my teacher fucked me up. Some of his teachings were “no, your dad won’t be with you in heaven because he isn’t a member” or “anything of the body is not of god and you should be shameful for it” oh and let’s not forget “physical contact with the opposite sex should never happen until after marriage”. That last one, I’m not just talking sexual contact, I’m talking ANY.
At this point, I was chugging the coolaid, and it was making me afraid of everything. I couldn’t socialize with anyone who wasn’t mormon because they would try to turn me against god, and I felt like I had to prove that I was worthy of being Mormon. I tried because I needed a community.
As I continued with the religion, my mom did start he falling away. After the church took their controversial stance on homosexual marriage and how you should remove those who are from your life, she decided to pick and choose what she believed in with the religion. At the same time, I was locked in an echo chamber and genuinely didn’t hear about this until years after, but what did happen, I kept going to church alone. Feeling like an outcast. Like an outsider in my own family.
This kept going for years, and ofc it turned into a variety oF problems- depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, porn addiction, etc.
Nobody to blame but myself for this part, but I struggled with that alone. I couldn’t tell anyone. But I mean, hey, I could talk to god and jesus. They were there for me, right?
Fast forward, March 17, 2017. My depression kept getting worse and worse, and on that night I did as I was taught to make sure I could commune with god. Cleaned my room spotless, made my bed, put on my best suit, got on my knees and prayed. For hours, I pleaded with god to “just let me feel ok for one minute”. That’s all I ever fucking asked for. The peace never arrived. So I ended up attempting, but I failed.
Admittedly, I’ve never gotten over that hurt. There was supposed to be this creator who’s omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent who knew me by name and loved me with a passion I could never understand- but he left me to die as I pleaded with him.
Anyway, I need help. I don’t know how to undo the damage that’s been done to me. I detest physical contact, I struggle to talk about anything that isn’t deep and heavy, I’m petrified of 1 on 1 time with just about anyone and the pure hatred I have in my heart whenever I see anything related to worshiping this con. Everything came to a head today, and I ended up using the 988 hotline, so that might say a bit about my current mental health haha. This site is one of the resources I was given, so I’m hoping someone here has advice on what to do. I hope that makes sense, I don’t know where to even begin. I’m overwhelmed and honestly scared. I’m not in a spot where I’m in danger, but I’m on the road there. I need to find my way off this path now.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/14/2024 07:53PM by Maude.