My name is Thomas. My life has been flipped upside down over the past month or so and it’s forcing me to acknowledge/figure out what I’ve suppressed for almost a decade now. I apologize if this turns into an incoherent rant, I just need to get it out.
Growing up, I was raised in a “semi-religious” household. My dad has always been an atheist, but my mom was mormon as hell. Some of my earliest memories are of Sunday mornings, dreading going to church. It wasn’t good enough to go to sacrament and then go home. As soon as I was old enough I had to go to all the bullshit classes, read the books, and do the coloring books depicting the BoM. Baptized when I was 8, received the aaronic priesthood when I was 12.
I remember that moment clearly, and arguably it’s when I first started having doubts about the church. I didnt hear the blessing that was given to me, because admittedly I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about how I was supposed to feel the holy ghost and bask in its warm embrace, but I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was confused and worried. I guess I didn’t believe I was worthy of the “power” so god was holding it back. Nonetheless, i was working every day to make sure i was trying to be the perfect little Mormon boy who didn’t stray from the teachings in the slightest; and holy fuck do I regret that now.
Growing up in Utah, of course I had the option to take seminary. The first time I was given the option to I was in the 9th grade, my mom told me she wanted me to do I could “have a quiet spot to think” during HS. This was in 2014-15, that’ll play a part later.
Anyway, I end up taking seminary and my teacher fucked me up. Some of his teachings were “no, your dad won’t be with you in heaven because he isn’t a member” or “anything of the body is not of god and you should be shameful for it” oh and let’s not forget “physical contact with the opposite sex should never happen until after marriage”. That last one, I’m not just talking sexual contact, I’m talking ANY.
At this point, I was chugging the coolaid, and it was making me afraid of everything. I couldn’t socialize with anyone who wasn’t mormon because they would try to turn me against god, and I felt like I had to prove that I was worthy of being Mormon. I tried because I needed a community.
As I continued with the religion, my mom did start he falling away. After the church took their controversial stance on homosexual marriage and how you should remove those who are from your life, she decided to pick and choose what she believed in with the religion. At the same time, I was locked in an echo chamber and genuinely didn’t hear about this until years after, but what did happen, I kept going to church alone. Feeling like an outcast. Like an outsider in my own family.
This kept going for years, and ofc it turned into a variety oF problems- depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, porn addiction, etc.
Nobody to blame but myself for this part, but I struggled with that alone. I couldn’t tell anyone. But I mean, hey, I could talk to god and jesus. They were there for me, right?
Fast forward, March 17, 2017. My depression kept getting worse and worse, and on that night I did as I was taught to make sure I could commune with god. Cleaned my room spotless, made my bed, put on my best suit, got on my knees and prayed. For hours, I pleaded with god to “just let me feel ok for one minute”. That’s all I ever fucking asked for. The peace never arrived. So I ended up attempting, but I failed.
Admittedly, I’ve never gotten over that hurt. There was supposed to be this creator who’s omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent who knew me by name and loved me with a passion I could never understand- but he left me to die as I pleaded with him.

Anyway, I need help. I don’t know how to undo the damage that’s been done to me. I detest physical contact, I struggle to talk about anything that isn’t deep and heavy, I’m petrified of 1 on 1 time with just about anyone and the pure hatred I have in my heart whenever I see anything related to worshiping this con. Everything came to a head today, and I ended up using the 988 hotline, so that might say a bit about my current mental health haha. This site is one of the resources I was given, so I’m hoping someone here has advice on what to do. I hope that makes sense, I don’t know where to even begin. I’m overwhelmed and honestly scared. I’m not in a spot where I’m in danger, but I’m on the road there. I need to find my way off this path now.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/14/2024 07:53PM by Maude.

You've begun well.

Everyone's trauma is in some ways unique, but we all share a lot of elements too and hence can understand much of what you are dealing with. You are admirably strong.

Welcome.

hey, so this was the first message i read after posting. you made me bawl my eyes out for a good 30 mins. “you are admirably strong” is what did it to me. I can’t explain how much i appreciate that simple phrase. I lack the ability to express how much hearing those words means to me. Thank you

Yay for LW. Not just a pretty face.

I'm glad you were able to post, Bean, and hope this board continues to help. You and everybody.

My shelf collapsed 12 years ago. The church's facade crumbled like Mordor. I also grew up in the church. I still wonder if I will ever be normal.

Mormons become fixated in adolescence due to the institutional trauma around sexuality. The trauma bond that develops makes Mormons addicted to their church but f-s them up for life.

It gets better but it will take a while. Maybe 5 or 10 years.

Please know we are not professionals therapists here. We are as nutty as everyone else and your mileage will vary.

If possible, find a non religious therapist who can help out! Please try to reach out to a professional.

Many of us have had similar experiences. I would call it existential angst in my case. It took a long time to realize there wasn't anything wrong with me because I didn't "feel" or "hear" God doing all the stuff the church taught He was doing. Praying to a rock was just as effective. It took a long time to come to terms with admitting it was all a bunch of bunk.

I suggest taking some time to find things you actually like and value. It might be something in nature. It might be music. As they say, "follow your bliss." You are in need of finding what makes you happy without the expectations of what others want you to be. I hope you can find some great books to read and maybe you can think your way out of the funk you are in. Don't feel guilty for taking time to build a new path.

I was about to say the same thing

Your post puts a lump in my throat, Bean. Hang in there and come here and unload.

Your words, "buried emotions" caught my attention quickly. My young life has plenty in common as I tried so hard to be the perfect Mormon boy and ended up praying and praying and blaming myself for never getting an answer or even the hint of one.

The difference for me is I left back in 1973 before all the facts came out about the church thinking I was over it when I had just buried it all the way to China and only unpacked the deep hurt and emotions forty years later because of this place. And it was a dam bursting that could have flooded have the world. So glad you are doing this now. So important. Don't store it up.

My one cousin in the whole family who had left the church asked me finally for my exit story at my Dad's funeral a dozen years ago. I didn't know what that was but I started writing it and finally stopped at over 600 pages. That's a little excessive--I had a lot to unload--- but writing even a short one has helped some people. Like the stories you may find on the Biography Board here. And it's a part of your journey you might want to revisit some day when you are old and gray.

Would love to hear more of your story. And, hope to hear some bits about the new life you are starting as you work through this and find a new future.

hey, i’ve been rereading both of your comments consistently over the past few days and i can promise that i will continue to do so for a while. If it’s possible, i would be thrilled to talk to you and learn more about your experiences. I started to write/journal as a release, it’s a lot more difficult than i anticipated. I haven’t gotten far, after a few minutes it just becomes to hard to remember and i have to walk away. I know it’ll be easier with time, only now understanding how raw the wounds are and how deep they go.
What struck me from your second message was “claiming oneself”. I’d love to hear what that meant for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/14/2024 07:41PM by bean.

Thomas, I'm glad that you found this forum. It's been very helpful for me to know I'm not alone, and neither are you.

The church (the organization doesn't deserve the respect of capital letters), is a cult.

You'll read very informative and interesting posts here, and like Done & Done said, I hope to hear more from you as you come across a new present and future.

After surviving a mission from hell and a Mormon marriage from hell. i can give you this.

As before mentioned, find a therapist who is not Mormon, or even remotely associated with Mormonism. I did that, and spent about a year going, that therapist was worth every dime.

Second thing I learned. I took all that baggage given me by Mormonism, tied it up in a bag and threw it away. I walked away from all the things that were harming me (including the internet for two years to reset reality). I then took charge of my life, defined who I was, established my values, and let go of my anger.

I have never been better, my life is stable, and I am in charge. Its a wonderful thing!

So start with a good professional therapist and move forward.

And, Thomas, please appreciate that you are finding out the lie while very young with your whole life ahead. I was lucky that way too. The first few years were hard because I had so much to learn about the real world. Big adjustment for me. Had to play catch up. So, be kind to yourself and just keep your eyes open for the good stuff in life. Explore.

Many here found out the lie of Mormonism late in life. However, they still went on to adjust to new possibilities and have a new bright future even if all that meant was "claiming oneself"--which is everything.

Thomas, I'm so glad that you came here. Please post as much as you want to. That's the most important reason why we are here, to support people in their recovery from Mormonism.

As others have stated, you will need the help of a professional therapist, preferably one who is not Mormon and/or not rigidly Christian (i.e. an evangelical.) If you are still in Utah or the Moridor, even there you can find a non-Mormon therapist. We can provide support, but there is no substitute for professional help. Check your insurance, as most insurances will cover at least ten visits.

Please know that your recovery will not be the work of a day. It's a gradual process. The Mormon church has worked tirelessly to indoctrinate you, and it will take a lot of time for you to extricate yourself from its grip.

Feel free to ask any questions that are weighing on you, whether it's about WoW violations, sexuality, dealing with the Mormons in your life, or what have you. And please know that things will get better for you. Hang in there.

Summer, thank you. your message has made me feel validated and appreciated. I’ve been searching for a new therapist that will be able to fit my needs better and help me dig up the trauma that i don’t even know is there so i can overcome it. I understand that undoing the teachings will take a long time, rome wasn’t built in a day.
When i was in college the best course i took was “sociology of religion”, we spent a full week on mormonism, and i’m not sure i’ve ever been so intrigued by a class ever. We touched a bit on psychology (one of the majors i studied). I can’t remember what theory it is, but there are seven different pillars to personality- what this cult does is from as early as possible, tear down at least one pillar (typically the pillar of sexuality) and replacing it with god. Many religions/belief systems do this but mormonism does it to a different and higher extent. I’m discovering these connections and will continue to discover them probably for the rest of my life.
I really do appreciate your words of encouragement, thank you.