Posted by:
bean
(
)
Date: September 14, 2024 07:18PM
Hey all, Thomas again
First and foremost, thank you. To say I’ve been dealing with a lot of different emotions, since writing the first time some new ones have arisen and I’ll touch on that in a second. I want to expand on some of my thoughts, ask a few questions, and hopefully calm any concerns that may have popped into existence from my last post.
Primarily, especially because I mentioned that this site was a resource given to me from 988, i think that it’s important to stress that I’m in no danger of hurting myself. I have been seeing a few different therapists for 12 years now, but I’m currently looking for someone else who is more available and would be a better fit for me. If anyone has any recommendations on where to look (i don’t mind doing online therapy), especially if the therapist has a history helping with religious issues it would be much appreciated.
Validation and “seen” have tossed themselves into the tsunami of emotions i’ve been feeling. Throughout my life i’ve always been plagued with the idea that i’m an outcast, thinking that i was alone and nobody could relate to me. One of the reasons why i bought the teachings of the cult, so i didn’t feel alone. Knowing that even one anonymous person has felt similar, it brings a sense of comfort that i didn’t know existed and that in and of itself brings a calmness that i’m really enjoying. Thank you all for welcoming me with open arms and expressing your wishes to for me to write again for any reason.
Because it’s playing such a large roll in my life currently it’s worth explaining. I apologize in advance if makes anyone uncomfortable while discussing the medical stuff.
The reason my life was flipped upside down was because of an injury and the surgery to fix it. I had a SEVERE SLAP tear, gave it to myself being a dumbass 19 y/o in the gym not knowing my limits. Top 5 worst slap tears my orthopedic doctor/surgeon had ever seen. The bicep tendon was completely detached (typically there’s some connective tissues holding it in place) and my labrum was torn pretty much in half from my understanding. It required 4 sutures to sew back together instead of the typical 3 and due to the extent of the injury I wont be able to work manual labor ever again or i risk tearing everything all over again as well as having shoulder issues for the rest of my life. I was cleared last week to hold my phone in my left hand, so activities are limited right now to say the least.
Diving back a bit further into my past, simply put I found out first hand that the “friends” I made in college through my fraternity never were my friends. Due to some housing issues with my friends turned roommates that became very sour, my best friend took “revenge” on me because they believed I was the one that told our housing company we had a 5th roommate. His idea of revenge was to get me kicked out because i was “selling coke and heroin” and “had a gun”. Non of the accusations were true. He knew I joined because i wanted a “social safety net”, meaning people i could fall back on in my time of need. Definitely still healing from it. At that time, i had just started a small hobby of powder coating and i decided to dive head first into it and start my own business with it.
I dedicated the past five and a half years to the craft, spent ~$25k on designing/building/purchasing equipment, training and overheads. With all this time to think, the realization of why i took this route has been hitting me hard. I dived into this headfirst not because of the love i had for the craft but because it was easier to not allow the feelings of hurt from the frat bullshit any room in my head.
I don’t think of the time and money spent was a waste, i’ve learned a lot and i know how to run a business/know that i want to work for me instead of someone else; nonetheless though its wearing on me and I feel like i could/should have done something else with that time.
With that out of the way, i do have a few questions.
1- what/who helped you express yourself after leaving? Personally, i believe that music is one of the best forms of expression and i’ve always loved it. Just got the green flag to take an electric piano home from my cabin. I used to play the piano and alto sax, so i’m picking it back up
2- I understand therapy will have a HUGE roll in this, how did you A) discover the trauma dealt to you those in the church/the church itself? B) what was the person/thing/activity that helped you unlearn said trauma?
I’ve been reaching out to people i’ve had in my life that i’ve lost contact with. Some of my old bosses who were more friend than boss, my auto teacher, and actually some friends from HS.
3- while you were dealing with leaving, what did you struggle with finding? i.e.- support groups, finding community, someone who had answers you couldn’t find?
As mentioned in my first post, i don’t know who i am, but i have some general ideas for things that i’m passionate about. Other than tactile shit like building/working with tools, I love how i feel after helping someone in a time of need- i’ve been in the position of hurting, and i don’t want anyone to deal with that. I’m fully aware that its impossible for me to make it so nobody is hurting, but as long as i can make even a slight difference for the better, its worth the world.
4- for those who dealt with not finding joy in life, what was your experience on how to (re)discover things that you enjoy spending your time on? I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about this, and i’m trying to think of what i’ve done in the past that’s made me excited/curious, here’s what i’ve really found and what i’m working on.
I’m definitely a tactile person. My first job in HS was working for a neighbor which initially started out as private construction, but i quickly became his “little buddy” and was helping out with his personal projects. Building his pool, landscaping (especially driving the heavy equipment, that shit is unbelievably fun) and customizing his boats. As a child, at our cabin we had a boat that will forever hold such a valuable spot in my heart. Auto shop while i was in high school. If I boil everything down, the main thing in common- working with my hands to be able to spend time around water. It’s definitely hard for me to atm to start doing those, but as recovery continues I’ll be starting up again. We have an older car from my grandma that needs fixing up before my little brother can use it as his daily. I also reached out to my first boss, he ended up changing from private construction to luxury yacht charters in florida- we agreed to hop on a call monday to talk about helping out with that.
If anyone has any references they think would be even slightly helpful, i would be ecstatic to take a look at them.
Thank you all again, the support from you all as i start blazing a new path in life is absolutely incredible. I’ll continue to update as life goes on. Thank you.