Step into the office. Let's start with that most fundamental of principles, the one without which our "church" would fall. Have you been keeping the law of chastity, Flecher? If not, I require details. Lots and lots of details.

Remember, Flecher, that your eternal salvation is dependent upon my opinion of you. So above all else, be entertaining. Being your bishop is boring, thankless work. Help me out here.

I've been chasing Chastity all summer! She's quite a gal.

lol "No...Nope...Hah!...No...No...Not me, do YOU?! *intense stare*...Erm, kinda personal, dont cha think?..."etc hahahaha

The last one I had the SP said, "You are going to need to start dressing and acting Mormon again." Oops!

Slow down and breathe between denials!

I was merely holding a seat for you. Care to explain why I needed to hold a seat for you?

Although I've resigned my membership and vowed that I would never talk to another person of church faux-authority again, I've always wanted to go have one last worthiness interview.

I would talk about the alcohol, and how I love having a drink or two daily. About how when I'm going out or having a party, getting drunk with my best friends and brothers that I've gone to war with twice is an amazing experience.
I would talk about the tattoos, and how much I love mine and definitely DON'T regret them. About how my "temple" is really more like a blank canvas, and we only get one shot in this life to decorate it the best we can.
I would talk about the sex, oh the sex. Tons of exciting and relationship-building premarital sex. The great learning and discovery process of masturbation that's a strongly promoted idea of any sex-therapist (except TBM ones of course). The vast array of arousing porn, and how fun it is to watch alone and with your significant other. About how "porn addiction" is a falsely prescribed disease by the church and not nearly is rampant as they claim it is.
I would talk about the drugs, and about how trying something once or twice DID NOT turn me into a drug addict. And in fact, medicinal pot is a great alternative to pumping your body full of antibiotics and god-knows-what, and is a cause that I promote.
I would talk about the coffee, the tobacco, the caffeine, the swearing. I would talk about immodesty, about how much of a freeing experience it is to where whatever you want. About how NOT wearing layers of clothes keeps you cool, makes you more comfortable, and god-forbid, makes you feel more attractive.

And then, after I was through, and the bish would be left in a nervous sweat about to pass out from all this talk of "sin", I would tell him that I'm not sad or sorry or regretful for ANY of this. I don't feel guilt for it. I don't feel shame for it. And in fact, I'm SO much happier now. I don't feel like I need a savior, because I'm in control of my life, and the only person who can save me is me. If I truly think I did something bad, I would be the one to pay. Using an imaginary person as a scapegoat for my actions is irresponsible, weak, dangerous and most importantly, immoral. Yes I do have a sense of morality and I am qualified to say what I think is moral or not. Why? Not because of some ancient book, not because somebody told me, but because I live in this human world. I've opened my eyes and accepted the ideas and values of a working society in the 21st century. I don't need book of absolute morals to know that killing is wrong, that stealing is wrong, that causing harm to another human being is wrong. These things and may like it come naturally to civilized race that values life and freedom over death and anguish.
No I don't believe I will go to hell for living what you would call a sinful and offensive life, because I don't believe in hell. I don't know what happens when I die, nor do I really care, but what I do know is that I won't live a life based on fear. I have chosen to live in the HERE and NOW and enjoy everything in it, because for all ANYBODY knows, here and now maybe all we really have...
Then I would flip him a penny and tell him to save it, he might need it when his corporation-run church crumbles to the ground when more people like me come in to share the exact same thing, the same stories, and the same message of freedom from religion.

Sorry it's so long, once I started writing I couldn't stop :)

That was BRILLIANT!

Brilliant +++

No bishop, I've never masturbated in my life. Next question.

It's not NICE to lie to the bishop. Baby Jesus will cry.

Ok
Let's try bestiality for 299...

I'm not worthy. I've been bad. Very, very bad. I deserve to be punished.

oooh..naughty lil tithe payer!

Hold out your wrist *smack* Alrighty now, just see to that sin so next time you get to go to the temple and sit for three hours for dead people who would probably hate u for doing it anyway. Have a nice day. :)

Bishop: Do you, er, juggle your uglies?

Deacon Blue: I helped with the dishes last night.

Bishop: But did you bounce your boys?

Deacon Blue: And I did all my homework.

Bishop: Did you shower and hand wash your Hinckleys?

Deacon Blue: I took a bath after my morning exercise.

Bishop: And then you throttled the troll?

Deacon Blues: I don't know what you mean.

Bishop: You're not worthy, young man. You don't have a grasp of the right priorities.

...and how many GI Joes DID you sell on ebay last year??

"We're not worthy!"

Deacons Wayne and Garth

I always feel so left out,,never had a worthiness interview. I guess my bishops knew I was a lost cause.

In my experience you missed out on a total mind f*%$ that has lasted for over 20 years and resulted in a lot of suppressed sexuality that is now hard to unsuppress.

My last Temple interview was bizarre. I had not been to church in 6 mths. and knew I wasn't going back. But...My 4th oldest dd was getting married in the S.L. Temple and I felt I had to go. This dd,although 1 1/2 years older,has ALWAYS felt inferior to her next youngest sister. That sister had already married and was 9 mths pregnant. I felt I had to be there for this daughter.

So the interview.And this is true.I am only going to mention a few of the questions.My attitude was the same throughout the interview. I was pissed at this bishop and I didn't try to hide anything.

Bishop:'Are you a full tithe payer.
Me:'Yes" (hadn't paid tithing in 6 months.)

Bishop: 'Are you attending all your meetings?'
Me: 'you know I am not attending my meetings.' This was followed by a cold stare.

Bishop:'are you wearing your garments night and day?'
Me: 'No.'

Bishop

Bish

I obviously pushed the wrong button.

That's pretty much the fun stuff. Bishop asked if it felt good to be back at church. I said no. I barely looked at him the whole time.
BUT!! I got my recommend! It was just as ridiculous when I went to see the S.P.

Bishop I have been a very bad boy, but let me allow you to hold this check I just made out to the church for $10,000...now can you make all this bad stuff go away? Good Bishop...very good!