I just got engaged and started the planning preliminaries for my wedding which will be this winter. I'm 29 and this is my first wedding. My dad had generously offered to pay and my parents and siblings have been getting together to discuss the party arrangements and so forth.

The funny part is that my groom is also ex-mormon. And he has another set of mormon relatives eager to help. With all of our grandparents, aunts and uncles, parents' friends, et cetera, our guest list is going to be the kind that looks around and tut-tuts to the person next to them, "What a shame this isn't a temple marriage."

I love my TBM family and we're very close, despite having openly declarely myself apostate several years ago. It doesn't even bother me that my wedding is going to turn out very mormon-style, with a small ceremony and a large reception afterwards. It feels like part of my culture. I've never even been to a traditional wedding with the dancing and toasting and the walk down the aisle - a "worldly wedding," my mother called it. Yes she actually used that word!

Obviously I draw the line at using the church cultural hall and hanging paper bells from the basketball hoop. (I also refuse to get married in the relief society room. We've chosen an outdoor venue.) Anyway, enough of my gabbing. Here's the part where I actually need your help:

My dad has been trying to convince me to use a mormon bishop to officiate the ceremony. I actually know this bishop and like him. He was my sunday school teacher when I was a teenager. But I've been to a few bishop-officiated weddings before and they were all pretty tacky. I don't want him going on about making religion a part of our lives. I'm an atheist and I'd rather leave God out it.

If the bishop agrees to only mention things like love and commitment, should I trust him? Or is there a church manual somewhere that forbids him from humoring me? I swear if he stands there and suggests that someday we might be sealed for time and all eternity, I will chew him out right there at the altar.

If not, what do you guys recommend? Is there such a thing as an atheist minister? Where can I get a tasteful, maybe (for my guests' sake) "mormon-friendly" wedding officiant? I live in Las Vegas, so there are plenty of ministers for hire, but again it seems...tacky.

Thoughts and suggestions appreciated. Thanks for listening.

I sure wouldn't use a bishop!

For my wedding my husband's best friend got ordained for $5 on the internet, and married us. Outdoors on the beach.
Said everything we wanted him to say, and nothing unexpected about "for time only".

It is YOUR wedding. Don’t compromise.

Forget the Mormon Bishop. The last thing you need to be worrying about is what some ass-hatted jack-hole Mormon Bishop is going to say or do.

Most ministers will meet with you before hand to find out what YOU want them to say and do – and you can trust that they will not vary from that script.

Make sure you find a female minister that wears one of those priest collar thingys.

That should give the Morgbots plenty to remember your wedding by.

ziller

as long as they are ordained minister and this can be done online for free. You can have friend do it rather then a stuffy bishop

http://www.themonastery.org/

http://dudeism.com/

This is true. I had my brother become a Universal Life minister from the link above and he was the one who married me and my wife. He did the ceremony exactly as we wanted and it was a really nice event.

We have used our marriage certificate for all sorts of legal needs and it is just as valid and real as if we had paid a judge.

I would NEVER, EVER trust a mormon bishop. They are almost guaranteed to try to discredit it and/or emphasize the "Till Death Do you Part" aspect.

You should be the one to choose who does the ceremony



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2011 11:58AM by Sperco.

There have been some reports here of Mormon bishops doing a nice, respectful job of officiating at a wedding, and at least as many reports of the bishops being thoroughly annoying (by implying that the wedding in queston is inferior to a temple wedding.) You're rolling the dice. Personally, I wouldn't do it. Especially considering that you are a self-identified apostate/atheist!

Check to see if you can get a justice of the peace at your location. Failing that, you might consider asking a local Unitarian minister. That's what my brother and his wife did many years ago.

Don't let this wedding get away from you. Have the kind of wedding that you want. There are plenty of wedding videos out there for you to watch and emulate. It sounds to me that you need to be more assertive about your wants and needs. Cultivate your inner Bridezilla! :o)

Wow, I didn't know you it was that easy to get ordained! Thanks for the links, "What is Wanted."

It's romantic and it's cheaper.

Gretna Green. Gotta be done. ;o))



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2011 11:06AM by matt.

(and officiated by a bishop) has included inappropriate comments.

Usually about how the couple should work on going to the temple (even when one of them wasn't even LDS, or one of them was an avid apostate). One of them even explained why the couple wasn't getting married in the temple (it wasn't because of a moral indiscretion. THANKS for clearing that up AT the wedding, because the couple's worthiness is everybody's business and a lovely thing to discuss publicly).

They make it a point to get the point across that THIS wedding isn't the real one that will allow them to be together for all eternity. I guess it's just the one that allows them to avoid living in sin.


Your wedding should be about your vows to each other. NOT at advertisement for temple marriage. And I guarantee that if you have a Mormon bishop to the wedding, they ARE going to bring up temple marriage.





Maybe you could have a Unitarian minister do it. They are very tolerant of other beliefs.

DH and I got married there, very romantic. I was 17

Actually it as in Annan, the next town over.

Good times and we're still married.

Claire from california.

Eveniof the BIshop agreed to keep it the way you want it, he hight be "moved but the spirit" at the last second.

I was ordained on the internet aspecificly to perform my neice's wedding. It was outdoors and turned out lovely.

I would not trust a Mormon bishop.

We asked our "nice guy" bishop to marry some friends in our home.

The couple weren't even Mormon and the idiot bish still brought up the eternal marriage vs till death do you part shit.
We were PISSED.

Hire someone non-denominational and they will do exactly what you want.

Tell your father ABSOLUTELY NOT. Then get a friend to get ordained through the Universal Life Church (ULC) and officiate at your wedding.

After that it's just formalities. Almost anyone can pronounce you married. And yes, there are plenty of non-religious "ministers" that can marry you -- take a look in the phonebook. Usually they charge something for their services.

Or you could have a justice of the peace marriage and just do an exchange of vows type thing with anyone you jolly-well please officiating. :)

The last ring ceremony I attended after a temple wedding was officiated by a bishop who made it all about the temple. As a non-member I found it totally weird, and hands down the least romantic or personal ceremony I'd ever seen (including a very heartwarming gay wedding). You could have him do it, but go in knowing what could happen to your vows. Even if he's a nice guy, I think the point that he may be "moved by the spirit" is valid.

This is the one day when you should rip the word "compromise" out of the dictionary. Choose someone to marry you who will be meaningful to you two and no one else. The Bishop will add a mormon flavor to your vows, even if he is a friend and behaves. That mormon essence will still be in every pre-approved word, permeating the ceremony. It will be like washing your whites with a red stocking and everything comes out pink.

I'm ex and DH is nevermo, when we planned our wedding I considered using the local Bishop to officiate. My Dad, former Bishop and Current Stake president at the time (different state), told me to NOT use the bishop. He told me that the bishop could only marry us in the RS room, could only say certain things per the CHI.

Thank you, thank you Dad!!! We had a beautiful wedding at a historic homestead on a golf course. It was just formal enough to be traditional, we had a great time and so did our guests. We hired a local official to marry us, he was polite, respectful, said what he asked him to say. Not once did any one bring up the temple.

The day was about us. I wouldn't change a thing.

Absolutely skip the bishop. As many have pointed out, he will most likely find some way of making it mormon-y and put some kind of religion in it. Many have suggested great alternatives.

When my husband and I (both atheist) got married, we had his minister great uncle do the ceremony but met with him beforehand and asked to leave religion out of it. He agreed. But then he just couldn't resist, I guess, at the actual ceremony and had to insert a portion of religion. Arg.

The CHI has 2 pages of rules for civil marriages, pages 17-19.

It has stuff like the bishop not needing approval for marrying nonmembers.

It should be done in a home or church, not a commercial wedding chapel or public place.

The ceremonies should be simple, conservative, and in harmony with the sacredness of the marriage covenants, no extravagance in decorations or pomp. In a church building the wedding march is inappropriate. No video or cameras if its in the chapel.

The officer should not deviate from this: "Please take each other by the right hand. <names>, you have taken one another by the right hand in token of the covenants you will now enter into in the presence of God and these witnesses."

I'm not going to type anymore, because I think you've already made up your mind! In other words, a bishop is going to have to supervise your entire wedding to be sure it is an appropriate thing for him to be involved in.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2011 12:13PM by Heresy.

ask the Bp if he has any 'mandates' that he's agreed to follow re his calling.

IF u think he's a straight-shooter and won't bring in anything u don't want, that would be a nice way to honor a friend.

A guy I had known for a long time and thought was nice. He knew I no longer believed. We told him that we know that because of his beliefs, he couldn't say "forever", but we also didn't want him saying "till death do you part". He did anyway.

Check out the laws in your state as to who can actually officiate at a wedding. Every state is different. Here in Colorado, all you need is a 3rd party to say, "Do you guys want to get married?" "Then you are!" They don't have to even be a minister of the ULC (which hubby and I are).

Thank you everyone for your input. I am definately getting the vibe that using a mormon bishop is dangerous. I liked the online ordination idea. But I just did some research and found Nevada laws are stricter than most states. So I don't know if it will be feasible for us. But I will start looking at other alternatives. Thank you again.

I attended a wedding between a mormon and a non mormon officiated by a mormon bishop. It was mostly fine. Then, at the very end he said, in an EXTREMELY loud voice, that he was from the CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF THE LATTER DAY SAINTS. The bride's family looked around at each other horrified. Until that moment, many of them didn't even know she was marrying a mormon. Or, if they did, they didn't realize she being married by a mormon bishop. I thought it was very tacky

married by contract when you sign the state issued forms. The rest is just window dressing! :-)

I let a Mormon bishop officiate as a compromise with my jack Mormon fiancee (he's completely out now). We specifically told him that we did not want it to turn into a preaching session. We told him that I was an atheist. We expressly forbid any mention of the temple.

Now, I have to be fair here. The guy was someone my husband had know and respected since childhood. I also think he thought he was following our instructions. He managed not to mention the temple, but a fair amount of preaching crept in in the form of 'council'. He told us that our union was a covenant with god and that we would grow closer together in the Lord.

It irked me, but I was willing to let it go for the sake of FB. I would NOT compromise for anyone else.

DH, not FB. I am still getting used to this auto correct nonsense.

BTW. I have seen bishop officiated weddings that turned out much worse than mine. I saw one guy 'lament' and actually tear up because the couple was getting married for 'time only'.

and used the current bishop to marry us. We were married in a room at the lake resort and honestly, can't remember a damn thing he said....lol. I don't remember being pissed about his comments when he married us.

We had a great time and partied until about 5am!

Perhaps you are considering the Mormon Bishop due to the tie your family has. THIS IS YOUR WEDDING....not theirs. No way would I do that. Ask at places like golf course weddings (those who plan them if they could recommend someone)...My daughter used a person like that to do her wedding when she married a Mormon outdoors. (she was not yet a convert). I am very concerned you don't seem to want to act like what you are - AN EXMORMON. If they don't love you it will show once you make your own decisions about your wedding. Then you will know what the rest of your life will be like. So start now showing them who is in charge.

I thought about what you said, honestone. I could strike out my indepence if I wanted, but that would be very lonely. I want my loved ones involved in my wedding! It seems I just can't escape this mormon world.

I tried to get away, honest. My fiance's background really backfired on me. I invited this cute guy to the movies and we have a good time and then he tells me he's mormon (or used to be). Holy crap. Talk about coincidence. And this wasn't even Utah! The sad part is I was probably attracted to him because of his mormon-eqse values.

I'm stuck. Stuck forever eating dinners at my parents house with the missionaries over. So I try to be tolerant of my relations and their wacky beliefs. What else can I do?

I didn't mean to be unkind to them in any way....just to exert your independence of the religion of their choice. You now have your own beliefs. I would make dinners there very infrequent if they always have mishies over. YOU can't possibly enjoy that. They have a plan and seem to not care how long it takes. Just dont' go along with doing everything their way just to keep the 'appearances' up. They need to respect your choices. I can only hope one day my daughter will be like you and exit the cult. I think you may be in NV. I am too. Good luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2011 04:51PM by honestone.

But-
on the big day, bring in a clergyman or Justice of the Peace of your choice. Sorry Bishop, we won't be needing your services.

are legally "ordained" and can perform marriages. They make a business out of it!
I had just such a minister officiate at my wedding. She was "non-denominational Christian", but she offered "non-religious" ceremonies as well.
She did a really nice ceremony.

You have essentially a BUFFET of folks who can officiate at a wedding!

Hubster and I spent our 25th wedding anniversary at Vegas. We called around, and found an Elvis impersonator at the Silver Bells Wedding Chapel, and we renewed our vows.

The whole thing was incredibly FUN!

~VOW

I'd second whoever above suggested that you find a local Unitarian Universalist congregation. They are awesome people, and I have never met a Unitarian minister who wasn't likeable and well-trained.

It is your wedding. If you are not religious, don't use a religious officiant.

Sure, it's wonderful to be polite and considerate of your guests, but ultimately - it's YOUR marriage. YOU are making the wedding vows, so the ceremony needs to be honest and important to the two of you, and the two of you only. Don't hide your beliefs for the sake of your guests' comfort - start your marriage off honestly by using a ceremony (and officiant) that is meaningful to the two of you.

As far as your reception goes - that's the time to include your family's input more. The reception is a party, and in the case of a wedding - it's a party for all involved to celebrate the happy couple.

I don't think it is possible for him to do a wedding without mentioning those things. PLUS he isn't trained. I have never been to a bishop led wedding and been impressed. They CAN'T say anything good because they believe your wedding is second class.

Ask a friend to officiate. Most states allow this. Anyone can officiate over one wedding if they get the proper clearance.

You could always simply go to the courthouse to get the document (get married by the Justice of the Peace). Then, you can have ANYONE YOU WANT perform the ceremony. Imagine how awesome it would be to have your favorite person do the ceremony in front of all your family and friends?

Don't trust him!

The bishop will do what he is instructed to do by the "spirit." This means turning the entire ceremony into a church talk about the importance of temples.

My brother had his bishop perform his. It was pretty okay, but he performed it how I expected a bishop to perform a wedding. He turned it into a talk about temples.

My sister had her SP perform hers, and she regrets it to this day. He rambled on for 30 minutes (yes, 30 minutes), all while making them face their audience. No one remembers what he said, and we were all getting pretty restless. He also talked a lot about temples.

My fiancee and I are getting married in 2 weeks. We were in much the same situation as you; both of our families are TBM (we are the only apostates) and her mother and father have planned a good deal of it. There has been a lot of pressure, but ultimately we just made a choice and let them deal with it.

Thankfully, our wedding is all planned, the officiant is not a bishop and will not be referencing anything religious at all. This is our wedding, not theirs. I don't care if they're paying for it.

I say you put your foot down and re-emphasize to your father that this is your wedding and you do NOT want a bishop to officiate. I don't think you need an atheist; just a professional. The bishop is not a pro. Not even close.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2011 04:34PM by dressclothes.

My mom's bishop married my DH and I at a reception hall and he did a very nice job. He didn't mention anything about the temple and "time and all eternity." He just wanted to be respectful and he was. He was also a good friend of the family.

My wife and I had a mormon bishop officiate at our wedding (because it was free) and he kept it "civil" leaving out any and all mormon references. He did a good job. Just have a talk with him and explain your desires.

Neither my spouse or I are members of any church and we didn't want any religion in our wedding, so we chose to be married by a judge one spouse knew. He did it just the way we wanted it.

There are quite a few people who can legally do a marriage; check your state laws. You or spouse probably know an alternative.