I was in my early teens, starting to understand the church was different from how I perceived it as a little kid (way back before the church started pounding baptism, missions, the temple and all that into three-year-olds). I had a vague sense of, oh, dissatisfaction? Something like that. At any rate, I wasn't totally enjoying being a Mormon like I had before.

At the same time, I became aware that several people in the ward had been converts. "Hmmm," I thought, "they were once something else and chose Mormonism. I've never been anything else. I have nothing to compare it to."

Then the big question came. "Would I choose Mormonism if I hadn't been raised in it?" Right then, the thought of not being a Mormon, of being normal instead, sent a little rush of joy through me. But I pushed it down and went on being a Good Mormon. For a while.

I had a lot of little moments like that. I did the same thing - shoved them away.

I remember being in elementary school (in Texas, one of only two mormon kids in my grade) when we were learning about basic statistics. Roll a dice, what are the odds of it being a 3? Stuff like that. And then when I went to church, and my Primary teacher told us that TSCC was the "one and only true church", I asked her what the odds were that I would be born in the only true church when almost everybody else I knew belonged to different churches. She fed me that hogwash about getting to choose our families in the pre-existence, to which I asked why anybody would choose NOT to be mormon.

That thought nagged me for YEARS, every time someone brought up that we were a "chosen generation" or that we had been saved for these days because we were so valiant. I think that one question was a huge part of why I couldn't bring myself to say I had a testimony, ever. Even as a kid.

I felt the same way as Judy. Also, I never really liked church. When I saw other churches on TV or in the movies, I always thought they were nicer and wished ours was more like them. That was a hint that I wouldn't last long.

I always knew I never would have converted, But I used it as another way to lower my self esteem. If only I were as faithful as a convert, etc.

As a teenager, I always used to think in my head, Why can't we be part of a mainstream church? Why do we have to go church for three hours and why do all the adults wear special underwear? I remember seeing my TBM mom walking around the house in her ugly ass garments all the time.

Then, when I was a Beehive I was getting interviewed to receive my YW medallion of some sort (it had a torch on it I think). The bishop asked me if I prayed which I said yes. He then asked me what I prayed about. I didn't think that was any of his business and I told him that. It was very uncomfortable.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2011 12:32AM by ginger.

I bet he didn't know what to say to that. A female child putting him in his place? What HAS the world come to? :D

Yeah I think he was one of the worst bishops. Nobody seemed to like him. He had it coming!

ginger Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> As a teenager, I always used to think in my head,
> Why can't we be part of a mainstream church? Why
> do we have to go church for three hours and why do
> all the adults wear special underwear? I remember
> seeing my TBM mom walking around the house in her
> ugly ass garments all the time.
>
> Then, when I was a Beehive I was getting
> interviewed to receive my YW medallion of some
> sort (it had a torch on it I think). The bishop
> asked me if I prayed which I said yes. He then
> asked me what I prayed about. I didn't think that
> was any of his business and I told him that. It
> was very uncomfortable.




What did he say when you told him what you prayed about was none of his business?

"Kids say the darndest things"

Nothing. He just sat there and then changed the subject. I told my dad about it after the interview and he was pretty irritated. At that point we weren't really going to church as much anymore because my parents were divorcing, so I wonder if that's why he was inquiring what I prayed about.

I always felt like things were much simpler than the mormons made it out to be, Why were there so many rules? It was all about what you couldn't do.

I remember arguing with my MTC companion about going to the temple and doing endowments on our P-days. He wanted to do as much temple work as possible before leaving for germany, because he wouldn't be able to go to the temple for another 1-1/2 years. I didn't want to have anything to do with the temple. I had my own endowment and that was good enough. I didn't see the need to waste my time with dead people and nearly dead people. It was a compromise just to do one endowment session on our p-days because he was adamant about doing 2 sessions or more. Sometimes we would do just sealings or initiatories as another compromise because those didn't take as long as the endowment sessions.
That was an early sign for me because I'd only been a member for 5 years. How i lasted another 25 years in the church is still a mystery to me.

I was 5 I think, and the primary teacher said to "raise your hand if you believe in Jesus!" My teacher behind me poked me in my shoulder asking me "why aren't you raising your hand? don't you believe in Jesus??"

I never liked saying "amen", either. Actually, I've never said Amen EVER. Not even when I was little. I don't know why, but it probably started out because I really didn't agree with what I was being fed! Funny how I had that tiny sense of independence when I was a little girl.

Hey Mutt,

Thanks for sharing. But the reality for you is the same as most of the rest of us here. The earliest sign that we'd start leaving Mormonism started in the 1820s long before any of us were born. Joseph lied, period.

We were singing "Families can be Together Forever" and the thought crossed my mind that I didn't even like my family in this life, why would I want to spend Eternity with them?

I played the game, gave it a good try, but never really got a testimony. I quit attending the day I moved out of my parents house.

How dare you have such thoughts? They must have been from Satan.

I too had those thoughts when I was little, but unfortunately I was happy in the church and most of the gentiles around me didn't appear very happy. So while I frequently asked myself the fair question "would I have chosen mormonism if I wasn't born in it?" I usually answered it with "I'm going to make sure that I take an attitude towards religion in general so that the answer will be yes. I would leave the church if it was false, but thankfully it's not."

Thanks for the thoughts, Satan. Here I am today.

when I was old enough and wise enough to make decisions about eternity and such, the Prophet David O. McKay changed the words in "I am a Child of God" from "teach me all that I must know" to "teach me all that I must do."

A few years later, the MIA theme was about the attained principles of intelligence rising with us in the resurrection. However, the subsequent, non-chanted verse talked about how intelligence is gained through obedience.

The future did not look bright.

My first clue? I hated Primary.

And I was the most goody-two shoes little Mormon girl possible.

All I wanted to do was go home after 6 boring hours of school, and plop down in a big easy chair to watch TV and have a snack.

But would I ever just skip it? Oh, NO. The thought of sluffing and LYING to my mother about it was unthinkable to me---a one-way ticket to HELL.

So interesting to step away from the church and realize how many things really bothered me, all along. Of course, I just thought it was me---I didn't have a firm enough testimony, or was unworthy in some way, or something along those lines.

So glad to realize these things after so many years of silent dislike of so many aspects of TSCC

If there were no religion and I had not been taught anything about God, is there anything hanging in the air or anywhere else that would lead me to him? When I asked myself this question the answer I would get was a clear "no". So I knew on an intuitional level that my religious thoughts were grown from seeds planted by others.

I could also achieve "spiritual highs" listening to music that were virtually identical to those I got from an LDS experiences. The thought crossed my mind that maybe emotions were just emotions and not necessarily a manifestation of some other spiritual realm.

My B.S. detector kept on getting tripped with more frequency, until...well, I think you know the rest of the story.

...I was very adept at feeling guilty, however.

Growing up, I simply assumed that the church was true because everyone told me it was. I never got any spiritual high at all. I would justify my belief through 'evidence' (FPR). I eventually outgrew the church as my critical thinking skills improved.

I will admit though, that I became inactive before I became an apostate. I think I needed a bit of distance before I could read all the evidence without feeling guilty.