Posted by:
ziller
(
)
Date: August 10, 2011 05:08PM
It was in a downtown Houston bar where Ziller finally met his match.
A misunderstanding with a group of Ukrainian “businessmen” had degenerated into a storm of flying beer bottles and bar stools when a chance projectile contacted Ziller’s head with such force that it made even the bells at Christ Church Episcopal Cathedral ring and the world faded out into total darkness.
When Ziller came to, he was sitting in what appeared to be the waiting room of a dingy dentist’s office – a kind of Mexican border town dingy. Tattered 1970’s Readers Digest and Better Home and Gardens Magazines spilled out of a rusted wire magazine rack. The floor was missing some of its linoleum tiles and several types of insects had given up all hope in its unswept corners.
The off-white linen sheet that separated the waiting area from the receptionist’s station lifted and Ziller’s name was called.
The receptionist, who bore a striking resemblance to the frightening “cafeteria lady” Ziller remembered from his school days, ushered Ziller through a maze of filing cabinets and frantic clerks, and into a large corner office.
In the center of the office was a huge desk made from unhewn stone covered with bundles of scrolls, ashtrays heaped with half-smoked butts, Styrofoam coffee cups with brown stained rings, and a dozen telephones, all of them ringing. In front of it all was a cheap plastic nameplate, which read “JHVH”.
Barely visible behind the desk, beneath a drifting haze of smoke, was a huge balding fat man dressed only in a wife-beater and boxer shorts. His massive pasty white belly covered in gray hair was pushing up the undershirt in an attempt to expose itself. A long white beard with a permanent brown stain around the mouth flowed down His chest, as did ringlets of long dirty-grey hair. Two chunky arms like hairy pink sides of beef rested their elbows on the desk, the hand of one of which was gripping a telephone receiver in its meaty paw.
"No!" JHVH shouted into it, slammed it down and picked up another. "No!" He picked up another. "NOT" He continued to answer the phones in quick succession.
"Yeah, you and thirty million other poor slobs – NO!"
"Ah, maybe. Gimme a call next week. Maybe. I said maybe."
"Just relax and breathe calmly. I got an ambulance on the way."
"No. Kill them yourself. What am I, the Danites?"
"Well maybe if you spent less time prayin' to Me and more time searching through the rubble you'd find her!"
"I'll see what I can do. Call back later."
"Monson, not you again! … No way… Forget it… I’m not gonna help ya, pal. In fact, I'll see you in My office on Monday.”
“What? You atheists are all alike - always calling at the last minute. What do I look like, Federal Express?"
JHVH threw down the last receiver angrily and switched on the answering machine. A softer, politer version of His voice could be heard, speaking stiltedly:
"You have reached the office of the Infinite, Eternal, Omnipotent, Omniscient, and Almighty JHVH. I've stepped out of the office for a moment, but if you could please leave your name, religion, species, genus, family, order, class, phylum, kingdom, ecosystem, planet, solar system, galaxy, galactic cluster, universe, dimension, plane of being, time of eon you called, and a brief prayer, Allah, Brahma, Ra, Quetzalcoatl, Myself or another Almighty god will answer your prayer as soon as possible. Please wait for the tone."
After the tone, over the answering machine’s speaker, trillions of desperate, hysterical yammering voices, in billions of languages, could be heard begging, weeping, confessing, and moaning in an incomprehensible cacophony of suffering.
JHVH turned to Ziller with a look of infinite weariness in His sky-blue, bloodshot eyes, and noticed that Ziller’s face was ash-white with horror. "A supernova went off in the Virgo Galactic Cluster, JHVH said, nodding casually at the phones. “Pan galactic drought, a few billion extra famines - business is a little brisker than usual." JHVH offered a slight smile to put Ziller at ease.
"So, what can I do for you?"
Ziller was mystified. "You called Ziller here, Sir."
"I did?" JHVH began rummaging through a pile of scrolls, muttering, ". . . wish one of these Goddamn cherubim would let a god know what the hell..." At length He gave up searching and smiled somewhat sheepishly. "The hell with it. Refresh My memory. What's your name, son?"
“Ziller, sir."
"Right. So, how the hell are ya?!?" In emphasis JHVH slapped his burly palms down on the desk, cracking it cleanly in half.
In an instant both halves and contents of the desk fell through the floor and disappeared. A moment later an identical, intact desk came crashing through the ceiling and slammed onto the floor in front of JHVH. Every scroll, ashtray, cup and telephone was almost in exactly the same spot as on the old desk.
"Sorry," said JHVH, a little embarrassed. "I love that bit. Anyway, I haven't seen you since you were knee-high to a blastula! I knew your relatives, Adam, and one of his wives, Eve, I think it was. In fact, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I created 'em."
"You created a little more than that," replied Ziller admiringly. "You called into being every plant and animal in the physical universe, all matter, all energy, all space, all time and all the laws that govern them. In fact, the very plane of reality itself! And don't think we don't appreciate it!"
"Oh, that," said JHVH, suddenly shy. "Ah, it was nothin'. Still is, in fact."
Ziller nervously shuffled his feet and stuck his hands in the pants pockets of his seersucker suit as he tried to avoid JHVH’s eyes in the awkward silence.
“So, you had a question for me or something? Asked JHVH.
Ziller did not have any questions, but thought that he had better think of one. “Um, so Ziller and some of the other apostates were discussing the subject of prayer and we were wondering what Your take on it was.”
“Well,” began JHVH, lighting a cigarette, “It is shallow to say that prayer is absurd because it is not possible for humanity, by means of it, to persuade Me to change My plans.”
“The fact is that all the fore-known and fore-intended effects I produce are by the instrumentality of the forces of nature, all of which are My forces, of course”
“Humanity’s free agency and free will are part of these forces.”
“For example, it would be absurd for humans to cease to make efforts to attain wealth or happiness, prolonged life and continued health just because the outcome of these efforts is predestined.”
“If the effort is predestined, it is, not the less, still humanity’s effort made of free will.”
“Will is a force. Thought is a force. Prayer is a force. Why should it not be of My law that prayer, like faith and love, should have its effects?”
“To deny the efficacy of prayer is to deny that of faith, love and effort. Yet the effects produced, as when a hand, moved by human will, launches a pebble into the ocean, never cease.”
“Every uttered prayer is registered for eternity upon the invisible air.”
“Really?” asked Ziller
For a moment JHVH just stared at Ziller, openmouthed. Then He erupted into thunderous laughter, which soon had Him helplessly pounding the desk. "HA HA HA! Hell no. That was a joke. Ziller, you are killing me!"
At that moment the door opened and a dinosaur dressed in a suit and tie thrust in his head.
"Yes, Raptor Jesus?" asked JHVH.
"Are You expecting someone named Moe, or . . .”
"Moses, schmuck!" snapped a voice from behind the Raptor Jesus. "And next time keep ya talons off the yarmulke!"
A small elderly Jewish man in an archaic robe shuffled in with the aid of a staff.
Immediately JHVH transformed into a pillar of fire.
"Mosey, you old schnook!" cried JHVH jovially. "It's been centuries! What, a tongue I didn't give you? You can't call Me?"
The two began schmoozing like old schoolmates, oblivious to Ziller who slipped out of the office.
The receptionist, the filing cabinets and the frantic clerks were nowhere to be seen. Outside JHVH’s office door was only a long, seemingly endless hallway with a bright light far in the distance.
Ziller began walking quickly down the long hallway and into the light.
THE END
ziller
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/10/2011 05:16PM by ziller.