Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
That beer and fishing joke is such a classic, mcarp, isn't it? I like how it implies that a Mormon HAS to be watched by another Mormon. Which is doctrinal.
The Catholic Pope and the Mormon Prophet have a meeting in Salt Lake City. After the meeting, the Pope tells the Prophet he needs to make a phone call, and he'd be happy to pay any charges for the call.
The Prophet says, "Fine," and escorts him to a phone.
Ten minutes later, the Pope returns, and tells the Prophet that he called Heaven and talked to God. The Prophet winces, and says, "That's an expensive call, and you talked for ten minutes. I'm afraid the charges for that call will be a million dollars."
The Pope nods solemnly, pulls out his checkbook, and writes a personal check to the Prophet for ten mill.
The next month, the Prophet goes to see the Pope in Vatican City. They have a nice visit, and the Prophet tells the Pope HE needs to make a phone call. The Pope shows him to the other room, and hands him the phone.
A LONG time later, the Prophet rejoins the Pope. He apologizes, he also called Heaven and talked to God. He asks the Pope how much the charges will be for his phone call.
The Pope merely waves his hand in the air. "No problem, it's a local call."
Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and buy the BIGGEST bottle of vodka on the shelf. The clerk raises an eyebrow at their purchase. One nun says, "Oh, this is for Mother Superior's constipation."
When the clerk heads home that evening, he sees the two nuns staggering down the sidewalk, clutching the almost-empty vodka bottle. He's furious, and he stops his car and gets out to confront the two women.
"Shame on you! Shame on BOTH of you! You told me that vodka was for your Mother Superior's constipation!"
The nuns start laughing so hard, they end up tumbling to the sidewalk. The one without the hiccups says, "Oh, it sure is! When she sees us, she's gonna SHIT!"
Boyd K. Packer was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this,but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."
"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the apostle.
"Do you want to write your will?"
"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."
Stake President gets called to Salt Lake City to discuss finances with one of the Twelve at the COB (Church Office Building)... He enters the elevator just behind a beautiful young women who apparently is also riding to one of the upper floors. Part way up , the gorgeous young women reaches over and presses the Emergency Stop button jamming the car to a halt between floors. She turns to the SP and pleads- " Make me feel like a Woman !!!!) Not having to be asked twice the SP flings off his clothes into the corner of the elevator and says .... Okay now Sister, FOLD THEM !
A Priest, Mormon bishop, and Rabbi are trapped on an island together. One day a beautiful mermaid washes up on shore. Once on land she is of course completely naked. And this mermaid is the whole package with all the right curves.
A Mormon bishopric went ocean fishing and got lost at sea and washed up on a deserted Island. After a few anxious days of prayer for help a genie bottle washes up on shore. The bishop opens the bottle and a genie popped out offering each member of the bishopric one personal wish. The second counselor immediately wished to be home with his family. The first counselor made his wish also to be home off that terrible island and home with his family. The Bishop was in not hurry and waited and thought and could not make up his mind wanting the most benefit from the wish. THE bishop turned to the genie and said I wish my counselors were here to help me decide what to wish for.
A good man dies and meets St.Peter at the pearly gates where he is welcomed and given a tour of heaven. As they stroll along Peter points out the throne of God, the heavenly choir, mansions, corridors, diverse religious groups. But at one long tall fence with a gate he cautions him to tip toe past quietly. The mans asks why they had to be so quiet. Peter says….Oh, those are the Mormons and they think they are the only ones up here.
It's the second coming, and Jesus is being greeted in the Salt Lake Temple by all the general authorities. Finally President Monson says, "And last but not least I want you to meet Brother Jones. He is not a general authority, but he holds the record for converting more people to the Church than anyone." Jesus says, "Well I certainly want to meet him and shake his hand." Brother Jones is all excited and exclaims, "Oh, this is the most magnificent thing that ever happened to me. I have a confesstion, though. While it is true that I have converted all those people, I was not successful in converting my parents. They're still Baptists." To which Jesus replies, "Hey, don't apologize to me. My mom's a Catholic."
A closeted return missionary gets married in the temple and is now on his honeymoon in a great panic. On the sly, he calls his mother and asks her what do do.
The mother tells him to relax, no big deal, "just take the hardest thing you've got and put it where she pees".
Ten minutes passes and the mother gets another call.
"OK," the closeted RM says," I've got her bowling ball in the toilet, now what?"
Three LDS bishops are driving through Las Vegas and they decide to stop at the next place for a refreshing drink. The next place turns out to be a bar.
They go in and sit on 3 stools at the bar. Not wanting to act TOO conservative, the first bishop says to the bartender,
"I'll have a Coke." The other 2 bishops gasp & murmur a bit.
The 2nd bishop summons up great courage and says, "I'll have a Coke on the rocks."
The 3rd bishop sighs and says, "Well, bretheren, I'm having Ginger Ale, since I'm driving."
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2011 01:52PM by PapaKen.