I'm moving across the country soon and so I'm driving the ten hours to go see both my parents and my mother in law. They live on opposite sides of the same town.
I'm excited to see both parties but already the drama is starting with my mother.
I knew there would be a problem when I told her I would be spending time with my no mo MIL. Both she and my mother work during the day and I will have to split the night hours to see both of them. I love my MIL. She is totally cool with me being myself. She has the same views as I do. She lives alone and is really excited to see me.
So I told my mom I'd be over at my mother in law's some of my trip and this was her response:
"Well you're MY daughter..... Really? I'm on the same level as her? (meaning my MIL)"
WTF
My mom is going to do one of her freak outs and I'm not at a point in my life where I can deal with that. If it wasn't this then it would be when she asks me to go to church with her (please.... for me? Cause you love me?) and I say no.
That will probably happen too.
Please help me. I really want this trip to go smoothly. I just want to spend time with both of them. I feel like she is TRYING to be dramatic about this. Help, help help.... any insight into this situation whatsoever. I leave tomorrow morning.

"Well you're MY daughter..... Really? I'm on the same level as her? (meaning my MIL)"

Just say: "Hey, mom, you are fortunate you have me as a daughter. Don't you think you should lend me out to the underprivileged?"

If she doesn't take the joke, oh, well!

Might take care of both problems at once?

Yeah I'm planning on spending Wednesday night AND Sunday with MIL. NO WAY I'm getting dragged to Relief Society!!!
Maybe I'll say Matt's line in jest... just joke around a little bit and hopefully she will follow my lead. I'm getting REALLY nervous about this.

blacksheep Wrote:
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> I'm getting REALLY nervous about this.

It's just your mom's way of saying that she wants to spend lots of time with you. It's a good thing. Reassure her that she'll get a lot of your attention. She's probably feeling a bit sad that you're moving so far away.

ok, I can do that. Good advice.... You're right. She probably just needs some reassurance. I'm definitely going to keep you guys posted on my trip. I have a feeling I'll be needing more advice. I sometimes skip right past the sensitivity and just jump to the defense.

She should be grateful that you have a nice MIL. Some people definitely don't.

Yeah, oddly enough, she doesn't get along with HER mother in law and it has always been "so hard" for her because she always imagined she would get along great with her MIL. Of course my Grandmother isn't mormon... and that's why.
When I married my husband, he obliged and let the missionaries teach him all of the lessons and then said "no thanks, I'll pass". He even read the book of mormon. I told him it was stupid, but he wanted to show my parents that he cared. They were super nice to him while those lessons lasted, and then after he declined to be baptized, they told me that they had heard (from another mormon) that my husband had had sex with an animal and that I needed to be careful around him. Needless to say, that was the end of their relationship with him. They don't get why he doesn't want to hang out. Not that they really care, they just want to bring up that he doesn't want to be around. Can't blame him.

Of course she's trying to be dramatic about it. It's called guilt-tripping. Morgs absorb it with their mother's milk; they don't know any other way.

What you can do is be calm and say "Mom, I love you, and I'm going to spend time with you, and I'm also going to spend time with my MIL, because I love her too. If you can't handle that, I'm sorry, but that's my decision and it's not up for discussion. If you try to bring it up, I'll leave and spend the time I would have spent with you, with her instead. It's your choice."

You can do the same thing with the church guilting. You could even use the "I don't believe in YOUR church" method of jarring her into realizing that, hey, you DON'T.

Also? Visit your mom first. That way you can enjoy your trip to your MIL's and not have to be anxious about going to your mom's after. :D

I can't believe your parents actually SAID to you they had "heard from another Mormon" that your husband had had sex with an animal. That is probably the most LUDICROUS thing I've ever heard. Seriously!

I'd probably get in terrible trouble for asking, "And just WHAT was that person doing to access this information?" Consider the source? Did they meet accidentally at an animal whorehouse?

I realize you have some huge emotional triggers here, and that your mother knows exactly where to stab the knife, and how much to twist it to make you bleed...but take a step out of the situation and listen to some of the things being said!

I think Mom has some major problems, IMHO.


~VOW

It's true that if I look at this all from the outside it's all ridiculous. If it was happening to someone else I'd have to laugh too. Especially when I think about how seriously and quietly she informed me. Lol. It's pretty funny... And sad.

When I left similar rumors were made about me. My brother was the one who eventually told me. I was surprised how much that rumor still hurts 15 years later. It was spread by people I thought were my friends and people I looked up too. I learned pretty quickly that they weren't even good people if they could repeat such gossip.

It's crazy how they can switch so quickly from the uner love to the judgement. You must be a sinner if you can't see that the church is true. You have to be hiding some dark secret. I remember stuff I used to hear as a kid about some of my friends older siblings who had left. Thinking back it's strange that they were going through what I'm going through now. I didn't even really second guess most of it. I just assumed that the only reason you would leave the church is if you were a terrible person. I was so very very ignorant. I think it's more frustrating when you know the people spreading those rumors probably felt like I did as a kid and just assumed them to be a form of the truth.
I want to say thank you to all of you for taking your time to give me advice. I love that I can come here and so many of us have similar experiences that we can laugh about and learn from. It has really helped my healing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2011 11:12PM by blacksheep.