I am going through a divorce. My MIL called to say that they loved me and that they were not blaming me. I said well thats good because he is the one with the girlfriend (he has narrowed it down from 3 to 1). She gasped...then I just told her everything, prositutes, strippers, strangers from college, co-workers....everything. I told her about his drinking, I think he is an alcoholic, the girls he was texting and hooking up with after his band played. His complete phoney life. He is a manager at a world wide company, chairman of the board of the United Way and pretends and looks so good on the outside but inside is a train wreck. He tells his parents that I am the reason he doesn't go to church. He has always been so eager to talk about the church with them with a longing to go back.
I felt bad after I told her everything because she was so upset but she thanked me and said that they can't help him if they don't know the whole story. I was shocked, she said she knew there was something else going on and that she was so sorry that he hurt me so bad. He had just told them that we cant get a long and that he just cant make me happy. He has lived under a lucky star for so long. Does the most terrible things and his parents, family and I have not held him accountable. I think I just blew his cover.

I did the same thing. After months and months of my ex's family trying to get us to reconcile, I finally told them he was gay. They were shocked and horrified. I don't think they believed it, but they stopped calling me.

I felt bad about it--outing him and all---but I was sick of the pressure from people who knew nothing about his inner life.

Mormonism works well for those who like to wear masks.

As I recall, this divorce has been a long, difficult struggle. I think you are doing the right thing and telling your MIL is also the right thing to do. Hope all is well with you, Chic!

Hi Chic! Nice to see you back. That sounds like a cathartic talk that you had with your MIL!

How are you holding up?

Hey Chic ---You did well, and you did it in a classy non accuseatory way. Just by plainly stating facts. It will now be up to him to try and wriggle his way out of the situation of his own making.. Every time he runs to his parents, he will say it was all your fault, but they already know the real story .. It is like he said I did not do it, and all the time he was being filmed on Candid Camera and every action recorded.

Unfortunately it will only be a matter of time before he implodes,because you can't hold all those things in for ever. Everything he did will come gushing out all over the media and conversations at the water cooler and in the local Ward house. Remember the famous saying (I think it was made by a parishoner of Jimmy Swaggert or one such defamed preacher)

The higher you climb --the further you fall --The louder the SPLAAAATTTT !!!

Good luck --Chic -- Sorry it had to happen to you, but you are better off with him in the rear view mirror....

JB

It would have had to come up someday, and im glad ur MIL believed u :)

well just as LDS inc is currently finding out in a big way due to the *help* of the internet
sometimes its a real bitch when the chickens come home to roost

Funny how they knew their son was a jerk, even before we got married. I'm sure they knew more about his multiple affairs than I did. They were in denial all those years. Still, they blamed me, and spread gossip around our former ward that I had deserted him.

If your in-laws suspected, why didn't they try to help you, or at least give you a heads-up, before you had any more children? They are accessories to the crime.

In my case, I believe that my ex in-laws helped create the monster.

Way to go! The enabling and denial must stop.

You did the right thing. At least she would listen. My ex's MOM thinks her son is a God. She never talked to me at all when we went through our divorce. No card, no phone call or anything. We had been married nearly three decades. She had always liked me.I never had the chance to tell her all about his affairs...the last one so deep he texted her in the middle of the night twice usually-probably for yrs. but we got proof of 6 months....then all the calls as well. Glad I got the proof of all that. The divorce was messy and to go out and tell her all this stuff would have not done me any good in court.

So 6 yrs. later, my daughter had a baby and ex MIL comes over to me in the hosp. waiting room like we are friends. "How are you she says?" I wanted to vomit. Some Moms of "boys" who never grow up are just disgusting. Oh there is so much to my story - if she only knew....such as the ex stealing my daughter's college savings fund and sending the girlfriend flowers for Mother's Day when he sent them to his MOM and me also. If you are like me things will calm down and life will be good again.

I'm going through a terrible divorce from JackMo hubby, too. He actually called his parents out West to tattle on me when we split. His spin was that we were divorcing because *I* left the church and took all the kids with me - thus breaking up our entire eternal family.

<SNORT!!>

JackMo has not been to church since before the rest of us resigned in 2007! He was just pumping his folks for money to hire an expensive attorney to fight me. (They didn't offer him any money, though. ha!)

Gawd, I wish I could have the same conversation with my MIL that you just did. I'd tell her that her precious son is a closeted gay man and a rabid alcoholic. Sadly though,that conversation will never take place. MIL has no compassion for me or the apostate kids. No chance in hell she'd ever check on our well-being. We've been grafted OUT of the family tree. She doesn't even acknowledge my kids' birthdays anymore. Sad.

But, d@mn, I'd love to burst her sanctimonious bubble re: her Holy Priesthood-holding son. Did it feel good to do that, chic? Honestly, did you get some satisfaction from smearing exH to his family? That's one of my favorite fantasies . . . maybe I can just live vicariously through you. sigh.

Oh, and I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty if I were you. Your ex needed to be called out on his bad behavior. It's his OWN fault he got outted, not yours.

Good luck with everything.

;o)

P.S. And just to be clear - everybody who "knows" me on this board also knows that I LOVE gay men. If my ex would just come out of his hideous, secret closet . . . we'd probably be the best of friends. It's the denial, the homophobia, and the blaming lack of sex on my shortcomings that I CANNOT TOLERATE.

Shannon, hugs to you. I know you've worked hard at this relationship and wanted it to work out. I'm not on here as often anymore but I catch up on what's going on when I can so this is the first I heard about your divorce. Know that your exmo friends care and we're here for you. The other side of divorce is so much better. And hey, maybe you'll find someone who actually loves sex ;)

TG

Yes Shannon we are! Sorry to hear of your divorce, you should come visit and ski with me this winter...
I am afraid of what he will do when he find out. He gets so mad when he cant control everything. Veines popping out of his neck, screaming, and in my face. I think I need to change my locks. My inlaws said they would try to protect me and not tell him it was me but he will know.

Funny note: He is living on our boat at the dock and I went out there to get some of my stuff like he told me to and found one extremely stinky pair of womens swim suit bottoms, not mine or my daughters. I took them and I plan to display them at just the right time. He will rip that place apart looking for them. I know of at least 3 women he has had out to the boat in the last month. Real classy guy. I'm embarrassed that I was even married to him.

My initial gut response after reading the OP's subject header was, "What, is he 3, she has to tattletale to his mommy?" And then I read the OP. And I'm sorry my brain went there. He totally had it coming and you needed to out his bad behavior in order to have support from his parents. I'm glad they are at least able to see that their son isn't perfect and you are getting the short end of the stick.

And I can't tell you how happy I am for you that you are freeing yourself from this horribly controlling man. I wish you the best of luck on your recovery journey.

and crazy wife he has been enduring with patience, long suffering and complete concern for her well being and he only turned to other women b/c his needs weren't being met, so it was really her fault he's in this situation.

He'll tell anyone who asks that he's really the victim here and he will work hard to make himself out to be a hero while he trashes her.

WTG Chic - sounds like you've had the ride from hell and SO deserve to get out from underneath it all and free yourself up for the next amazing chapter in your life!

While I am sure you feel a little liberated to air that with his mom, I'm not sure I understand whether you did it just for you, or you actually think it helps her. Obviously, your ex is a jerk and the next future ex should know these details, but I wonder if the mom should know.

but "if it were me"--it would be for both reasons. So many times so much is hidden and then you take the brunt of the falling out--which I did. For Years, I just wanted to stand on the roof and SCREAM "it wasn't my fault" as everyone in our "ward" thought my ex was sooooooooooo wonderful. By the time they found out what had really happened, I didn't care if they knew anyway--but it GETS OLD to take the brunt of the fallout.

AND something that may happen, which usually does--no matter what you told his mother, the family will CIRCLE THE WAGONS around their family member. I've seen it over and over and over again--no matter what their family member did.

Luckily--my ex and I have made it out on the other side of things okay. I just went to dinner with his 2 sisters and 2 BILs and him on Saturday night. They still consider me family and my ex and I live together half the time and get along great.

Shannon--I was one of the LUCKY ONES as my ex didn't hide being gay. I'm one of the very few who knew before I married him. I know many women who suspect, but the guy won't "embrace" being gay as they've been taught for SO LONG they are perverted sickos. Pretty sad--but to be caught in teh insanity of it all. Emily Pearson says it best with her blogspot name--"dancing with crazy"--yep--that is what you are doing.

With divorce, you think there HAS TO BE SOME PART of your life that divorce will leave unscathed--but it isn't so. It took me 8 years to get over him leaving--and I remember the exact moment and where I was when I realized I would be okay, that I was happy he left. Just like with Tal's post on the other page, it is VERY IMPORTANT to do the emotional work, more so than the legal work.

CL2, I understand the need to feel justified, vindicated, etc. I never spoke to my ex in-laws about why I divorced their daughter. They have turned me (according to my own kids) into a monster that is the cause of all that ever ailed their whole family.

My kids see the crazies do that and they want NOTHING to do with them. On the other hand, my family is gracious and nice to my ex. I've said very little to my own family but I think they know.

My kids see the niceness of my family and want to be with them. Of course, my kids want to be with their Mom (the ex) and Dad (me), which I desire and encourage no matter my feelings about the ex. Bad mouthing her to any family is not good for my kids.

My vindication has come in three or four short years since separating. The kids are migrating swiftly towards niceness and away from the bitterness.

did what she did. You want so bad to be heard after all the abuse you've put up with. My neighbors didn't even know my ex was gone for 2 years (as we had already gone inactive and he was there quite a bit)--the bishop's daughter (who had been our babysitter) saw my ex with his boyfriend and she figured it out several years after he left.

The thing I have noted is that for the most part--the family will circle the wagons around their own family member. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are and what little I did tell his family, they circled the wagons. Thankfully, we are all at peace now--including my family. I'm sure my dad still had issues with my ex when he died, but my ex was at both their funerals, etc., with me. My dad tolerated him. The rest of the family really likes him. And his family likes me.

AND--I didn't have to say anything to my kids. They watched. They didn't like their dad much for a long time. They said he was more "like an distant uncle." Thankfully, after about 9 years of being a bastard, my ex realized his kids were the most important thing in his life and they have a good relationship now.

Divorce is so difficult. I was angry FOR SO LONG and one day I just chose to stop arguing with him as it was destroying me.

I do admit it was selfish of me to turn my pain into her pain. That being said I have been married for 24 years, forgave so much, put up with way too much and been blamed for everything and most of all been hurt over and over. It was therapeutic for me to tell her but probably not fair but it really has helped me move forward. I never bad mouth my ex in front of my kids. Infact I told my 20 yr. old son that I was so sorry we were putting them through this he said "mom dads been a Dick for so long and you should have left a long time ago". I told him not to talk about his father like that.
It's been a long roller coaster and I just want to get off.

protected, you and your kids deal with that truth every day.

What ever they do with the information is their business.

But I for one think your were well within your rights to let the truth be know, why should you take all the blame for the end of the marriage?

At least when he tries to milk them for sympathy they may just say, well suck it up, you brought this on yourself.

The soon-to-be ex sounds exactly like my ex-BIL who was the biggest professed TBM and at the same time was a regular strip club customer and prostitute client.

He's been disfellowshipped a couple times (that I know of) because he was caught red-handed. He's remarried to a TBM and just goes on playing the Mormon games, and I cannot imagine him ever changing. He's was raised by a weirdo strict TBM mother with a shame-based parenting style which probably gives him a huge mental rush every time he's jumps on the sin wagon.

My question: do folks in this bad of shape ever change? My experience is that they don't.

Your MIL (soon to be ex) probably has no idea what she's trying to take on. Folks with sociopathic tendencies seem impervious to the manufactured guilt treatment that Mos are expert at.

Hi Chic. I'm getting caught up on what's going on with everyone on the board and came across your posts. I'm so sorry for everything you have been and are going through. I've followed your story for awhile. I'm glad that you're moving on with your life and divorcing his sorry ass. Life is SOOOOOOO much better after divorce. You sound like a strong woman and I'm sure you'll be just fine :)

TG

sorry to hear that. i'm going through the same process. i'm a guy but the feelings of humiliation, despair, disappointment are the same regardless of gender. and they are cyclical. some days they come and go several times a day.

cry as much as you want. it's quite liberating actually.
then get out and talk to people. just try to put your mind on every day things.

with time it gets better. trust me. i'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. it's a little tiny beam but it looks promising.

we don't know each other but i'm with you.