A TBM friend of mine had her first child in June. I bought her a nice gift, went and saw the baby, and figured that I was done. I got an invitation in the mail for her baby shower this weekend--and the baby is 2 months old! I'm not friends with her other friends and didn't realize no on had given her a shower (I would have done it for her if I had known that) Included with the invitation was a SPECIFIC list of gifts she wanted to receive. No "registered at Target" memo, but a specific list including sizes and colors.

I thought the whole point of a baby shower was to make sure the mom had everything she needed BEFORE the baby was born. These people are NOT poor--both have good jobs, their house and vehicles are paid off... its not like they're struggling to buy things for the baby. I politely declined to attend the shower.

Is the new TBM trend to have the shower after the baby is born? The whole thing seemed tacky to me. Like having a wedding shower after you are married.

Baby showers after the baby arrives are actually pretty common. It can be easier that way, because then instead of tons of people invading your house to see the new baby they can all just come to the shower. Plus it's a nice way for the new mom to get out of the house and get some socialization in. Having a new baby can be kind of isolating.

If you've already bought them a gift then it's not necessary for you to get them another one. But you could still go and just enjoy the party.

Now her making a wish list on the invites instead of registering? Yeah, that's kind of dumb. I don't know what she was thinking there.

Where I live, (Alberta, Canada) it's customary to hold a baby shower after the baby is born. I've never heard of one being held beforehand. Cultural differences I guess.
However, I've also never come across one where the mom has a wish list either. That seems kind of odd to me.

I've only been to baby showers before the baby is born. I guess it makes sense if you want to have one after the baby. I'm glad I had a shower before my first baby though, since I didn't have anything.

Yeah, we didn't wind up having a shower at all for my first son. I was in the hospital early on in my pregnancy, and he and I were both in the hospital for a long while after the delivery. So I had several family members and friends try and plan showers both before and after, but they had to be canceled over and over. By the time we got home from the hospital I was just too tired to care.

In retrospect though, I wish I would have had one even though it would have been like three months after his birth that it could have been feasibly done. More than anything just so I could celebrate with my friends and family.

In my experience, it's about half and half. Sometimes before the baby is born and sometimes after. I'ts not just a mormon thing. I too have encountered the specific list, though only a few times. I also think it's tacky. I appreciate the registry. Then it's up to you to decide what exactly you want to get and how much you want to spend, but will still get the family something they need. The registry is especially helpful when it is a second child, then you are sure you are getting something they may be missing rather than doubling them up on something they have, but it is still up to you to chose item and price range.

As I said I have encountered the specific list a few times, the one that took the cake, was the mother who specifically asked for "cute girl clothes only" and then went on to describe specific outfits and the stores they were located. I have to say everyone in the ward (I was active at the time) thought this was very tacky. Oh well, maybe it was the hormones. The list is still rare though, at least in my experience, so yeah I would say it's tacky, but the shower after the baby is not uncommon.

I haven't seen after-the-fact baby showers, but I don't think that it's really problematic. I think you handled the situation well. I agree with Madame Radness, in a situation like that either decline the invitation or just go and enjoy the party. I'd rather see a notation where someone is registered rather than a list of items with the invite.

I've gotten to the point where I'm really bored with baby showers. If it's someone close to me, I'll go, but if it's just a coworker, I'll give her a gift but not attend.

PRIOR to the birth. But if, for some reason or another it was not done prior there is nothing wrong with wanting to be gracious to someone AFTER.

Also where I am from a real 'friend' would not balk at all with the necessity of giving ANOTHER gift as a result of being invited to another occasion. Knowing well-off TBM family from UT though, and how stingy they are with gift giving, I can see this would definitely be an issue with them. TBM MIL and FIL who own a number of properties and two very nice homes and are quite well off are quite in the habit of counting pennies when it comes to gift giving.

notmo

Let's ace facts: Mormon women are pregnant more than dogs or cats. They expect a gift "just because" you are in the cult together. You'd go broke trying to supply gifts. From my experience, the stuckup trophy wives who never hit a lick give cheap gifts. The income producing mothers give ones with class. If they want a baby shower after the birth, the call it a 2 month/3 month birthday party for the baby. Baby showers are to be given BEFORE the kid pops out. End of discussion.

I agree that a baby shower after the baby comes is nearly as common as before. Most new moms like it to be before so they can see all the things they WON'T have to buy. But having it after means the guests get to see the baby. IF you are a germiphobe, don't have it after as there will be so many hands on your baby. I had one before for my first and one before for my second. But I have attended both kinds. And I am a nevermo. My daughter is a convert and has gone to both for Mormon gals.

Must be a cultural difference =) Up here in Montana, I've only seen them before the baby is born, so that the mother has everything she needs to get started, or knows what she still needs to buy.

I really did have to work and couldn't attend. Even if I had been off, I probably still would have declined. I'm not one of those girls who wants to hold everyone's baby, and it makes it much easier if I'm never in the position where I have to decline.

because i had an emergency c-section and my son was born 11 weeks early, the baby shower got postponed until he was able to come home with me. usually, the shower is before the fact -- i'm the exception to the rule.