Even though I have been gone for a long time, I still find myself under pressure to be perfect. To be honest, I think that being an apostate has actually exacerbated the situation. The trouble is, I love my family and I still care what they think of me. I also know that any shortcomings in my life will be used as a cautionary tale to other family members. I don't want this. I feel that any imperfections in my life just serve to bolster my loved ones' faith in a damaging cult.

The trouble us, though my family and I are doing relatively well, we are not even close to perfect. Though gainfully employed, DH and I have not yet completed college, we bought a house that we could afford, but it is in West Valley so "not the best area" and the yard still needs some work. The kids watch more tv than I would like and the chores seem to be a never ending battle. I just had a baby and I weigh about 15 lbs more than I'd like.

Many of my Mo relatives are actually quite wealthy and they always seem to have their houses, themselves, and children in perfect order. Frankly, it very often makes me feel inadequate.

I know this is stupid. My kids really are good loving kids, even if they watch too much TV. My house, while not immaculate, is not a pig sty, the family will help me with chores, if I ask. While DH is by no means handy and rather detests yard work, he is loving and very driven in his career.

I just want to know how to be happy with what I have.

*edited, as always, for grammar and spelling.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/20/2011 12:57PM by moroniandcheese.

I hear you.

I've been my own worst judge, juror and executioner. I honestly have no answer for you. I know for a fact I mentally broke for a while and the only thing I could do was give myself time.

I have been swimmingly better now for sure. Time works wonders. After XX amount of years living by that system of mentality the mental grooves are worn deep and the guilt train loves to stay in those tracks.

I find that getting back to things I really loved to do for hobbies PRE MTC helped me out immensely. Art and writing. Along with actually allowing myself to enjoy MUCH "loud laughter". Seriously!? The system tries to stifle loud laughter...good hell.

I empathize with you. Truly.

A psychologist friend of mine once said, "Everyone has holes in their socks" -- meaning that everyone has areas of their lives where they feel inadequate. Just try to keep that in mind when you are looking at someone else's perfect facade. Because that's all it is -- a facade. I can guarantee that behind that brave front are some insecurities and anxieties.

Don't feel ashamed of your home. It's a starter home, and perfectly appropriate. Plenty of people who overbought before the recession lost those big, fancy houses.

I watched lots of TV as a kid and it didn't seem to do any harm. Just put your kids to bed a little bit early with a book and all will be well. Get them outside for some fresh air every day you can, too.

I have a saying: I don't live in Perfect. I try not to worry too much about imperfections and minor failings. I don't think that we were meant to live that way. I think that we are meant to embrace and enjoy our lives even if everything isn't 100% the way we want it to be.

Seriously, I have no children and the chores in my house never end either. It's the battle of wanting to live in a reasonably clean house. If the dishes pile up for a day or so or there's crumbs on the floor, it's not a big deal. You just had a baby and you're probably exhausted and busy with your child.

Just remember you don't know what goes on behind your relatives' closed doors. I know that no one has a perfect life and anyone who pretends is hiding something.

I am a huge critic of myself, but it has nothing to do with the cult. Over the years, I'm slowly learning to go easier on myself. The older I get, the less I give a shit about what other's think.

It sounds like you have a lot of good things going for you.

Besides, it's not that you're not good enough, it's that you're playing a different game from those other people. It's your game, your rules.

A book that really helped me get over measuring myself by other people's standards, and that got me headed down the road of living MY life, not theirs, was "The Tao of Pooh." It's a short and easy read, but it changed my life.

Oh, I'm the same way. I am so hard on myself. And I think it does come from having grown up in TSCC. I see flaws in everything I do. And I know my parents now see me differently, as some kind of failure because I don't believe in the church (haven't officially resigned). My mom tells me I'm not doing the right things with my life because I don't go to church and don't take my kids. Oh, and I'm divorced, so another big fail on my part.

Anyway, I'm probably actually harder on myself than my family is. I don't know how to make it stop either. I wish I had an answer for you. All I can say is focus on the positive. All the things you mentioned are pretty superficial anyway. I mean, if your house isn't spotless all the time, who cares? It's your house and you can keep it however you like it. As for the yard, as long as you're not violating any kind of city codes or HOA rules, don't worry about it either, just keep it simple. You don't have to compete with your relatives.

It sounds like you and your husband have a good loving relationship and your kids are happy, so who cares about the rest? Mormons get hung up on minutiae because they have so many damn rules. This causes them to fixate on small things that really just don't matter. But you don't have to live that way anymore. This is what I tell myself, and sometimes it works, but it's a process. I still get caught in the trap too often and have to remind myself that I don't have to meet up to anyone else's standards.

It's easier said than done, but you just have to start changing the way you think...

And, just remember, to forgive yourself when you aren't able to do that overnight(I'm telling myself this as much as you, lol). May we both give ourselves a break :)

Your husband is loving and has gumption-- and you like, not just love, your kids. Honey, you are sitting pretty.

I learned a lot once when I read a study of people who felt unattractive as teenagers and young adults. Twenty years later, looking at their photos again, almost everyone changed their mind and thought they looked cute.

I look at all the kids under 25 and I think they're all gorgeous and yet almost all of them have serious issues with their appearance and esteem.

So now you're in the same type of situation as a young family. You are going to look back one day and realize you had it all.

Look in the paper,and see how many rich guys kill themselves every year. And don't forget, Joan Crawford's house was always spotless.

I was raised very poor, but with a lot of love and it was a wonderful childhood. And remember, kids who don't do chores, never turn out well (even if they end up rich).

People here on the board encouraged me to try Fat Tire. I'd never had it. So when flying to NY, I had a glass in a bar at Denver airport. It went down real well. I wish I had had time for another.

Three days ago I had two glasses of Sierra Nevada. These things help, trust me. You'll think, "Geez, that was good. So much for being perfect."

Judging yourself is a thought habit which can be broken. Chances are you judge everything--the weather, how the coffee turned out, the condition of your neck good/not good, the clothes the kids picked for school, the freshness of the eggs, on and on.

My daughter and I worked on this together and she told me how she came to realize that judging was her default mental mode. She was riding the bus and idly looking out the window. Her "monkey mind" ticker tape was rattling off comments about the people on the street. "Probably hooker, thinks he's cool, waaay too fat and MUNCHING right now." As people got on the bus she rated them, "Minus one, Major Loser, Miss Bulemic America." Because the names she called people were funny, she thought she was using humor. It wasn't hard for her to realize why she kept saying to herself inside her head, "You idiot, now you've done it again, Ollie...could you be stupider?"

So she started doing an empathy drill instead. She made up a backstory for the people, "She has back pain but goes to work every day even though is hurting, that's why she's scowling." or "her Daddy is in the army and she hasn't seen him for months, so she is hunched over with the hoody pulled up missing him." An amazing thing happened, the name-calling/judging stopped after about a week of this and never came back.

Now we say this to ourselves, "My apartment may be cluttered, but I am a loving person." or "I may be late to everything and still be someone who is kind." Everytime you criticize yourself, just tack on a quality you are working on or something you are proud of.

I can start you off-- "It may be true my kids watch too much TV, but they are NOT BEING RAISED IN A CULT!" or "I may not own a late model car BUT I OWN MY OWN LIFE."

You are an amazing woman just the way you are. A rug with dots on it does not make you a less successful wife and mother. When you really think about it, you were made to think that your nest, your surroundings, are YOU. Isn't it ridiculous? You are so much more than that. Lint comes and goes. The love you give your children, the way you've nourished your marriage, and the example you set for your family of REAL values--integrity and respect for truth, now that's priceless.

Anagrammy

I could use that as a mental check of sorts whenever I feel the need to judge someone who's different from me. I used to use, "that person does not need my permission to be happy."

On my first full-time job out of school, I was taking a long time to complete a particular project. My boss (who was terrific) counseled me that not everthing needs to be an excellent level of work. She said that sometimes a "satisfactory" would suffice. And a fellow employee told me to aim for "presentable, not perfect." It was a good lesson in time management!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/21/2011 04:31PM by summer.

When I taught time management seminars, I taught structured journaling as a way to become more effective. The feedback I got was startling--it was helping people with self-esteem issues and profound depression (in the Lord's true church? what a shocker!)

From Anagrammy's Self-Esteem Journal:

Today I am proud of my efforts to...

Today I listened without...

My happiest experience today was...


Anagrammy

I was talking with a friend today about how to maintain a positive attitude when you have a difficult and often unrewarding job. I'll pass along your suggested journal starters (and use them myself.)

Let me ask you this.

Would you judge your child, your spouse, or your friends by the same standards you are judging yourself? Somehow, I doubt it.

If you wouldn't judge them that way, then why are you judging yourself by a standard that you have to meet but other people don't?

Remind yourself that part of your job now is to be your own best friend and supporter. Best friends and supporters don't judge that way. It's unkind.

Treat yourself kindly.

80% solution means you don't have to be perfect, that even 80% of perfect is good enough for most things. Don't kill yourself trying to achieve that last 20%. I use this on myself all the time, heck some days I tell myself that giving 50% is better than most of the people around me. If something doesn't get done today or isn't done exactly right, NO BIG DEAL.

I really don't feel like I judge others harshly. I usually worry more about them judging me. I just feel like I'm under a microscope, because I know how judgmental my family can be, especially to no believers, and I internalize it.

It's good to know I'm not alone. I feel better just having admitted this to myself (and you fine folks).