They didn't say a word. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Which leads me to ask the question: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MORMONS?

Seriously - I don't want the third degree any more than any of you do. But for all they knew, we were as active as any of them and then, when invited to attend a temple sealing of my husband's little sister, we declined. No explanation. We did go to the wedding breakfast afterward and everyone was as nice and friendly as if we attended the temple ceremony with them. But no one asked us why we didn't - no one seemed at all upset - no one acted like they even noticed.

I guess I should be grateful that the universe is making my exit from Mormonism far less complicated than what I thought it would be. But it still rattles me the way nothing rattles them from their creepy, programmed, Stepford wives lives. Nothing is allowed to disturb their "happy" Mormon bubble. It's family - family we are pretty close to - and no one even acknowledged us. Do they just sit around making up lies about us or are they just so terribly self-absorbed that they don't care what we get up to? It's like My Ward Friends, Part II. My ward "friends" also completely ignored my leaving, never bothered to ask what was going on, just plastered that same idiotic fake-friendly attitude on and cut me loose, while stabbing me in the back by spreading or believing lies about my being offended.

I don't expect everyone to care about me and the ups and downs of my life. But for crying out loud, what happened to the concept of real friends who care about you enough to find out why you made a major life change - or family who cared enough to ask if everything is OK? Mormonism is just a heartless, heartless system that destroys basic human interaction. My non-LDS friends would have cared why we didn't attend the temple wedding. My non-LDS friends asked me what was going on when I suddenly started drinking coffee. They asked me why I started wearing a cross. They listened when I needed to talk about how weird Mormonism was - even when they didn't fully understand. But they cared. And I would have said I wasn't nearly as close to them as my Mormon friends and family but, in a pinch, my less-close non-LDS friends showed loyalty and integrity and caring and those Mormons proved worthless.

Again, I know I probably should be thanking my lucky stars that something I dreaded ended up being so easy but instead I find myself completely deserted by my so-called support system just like in the song "the foolish man built his house upon the sand..."

Maybe it is just a matter of not asking you questions that you might find embarrassing. Suppose you hadn't gone because you can't afford tithing or one of you couldn't pass the worthiness interview. Would you have wanted people asking you about that?

I understand what you are going through CA girl. It's as though they only loved you because you were Mormon.

It's not that they don't care. It's that they don't know how to react. They don't know what to say, do, or act like. They only know what they know. And they do "not know" exmormon. So they avoid it. I felt ten years ago exactly the same way you do, and sometimes I still wonder about why no one has asked me "why." Even now. It makes me feel very lonely sometimes.

Not understanding Ex-Mormonism is not an excuse. They are your loved ones. They should try. I understand how deep rooted one can be in TSCC but the spell needs to be broken.

Agreed. But they don't even know they're in a spell.

But we do. I hate how complicated the church turned out to be. It was easier before when I let the church think for me.

Look, our Mormon family begs off weddings as though they were an invite to a Tupperware party. In the East Coast culture I grew up in FAMILY-I mean real family, just doesn't do that. It just isn't done. And they do it not only to us, as exmos, but to other temple TBM family members. It seems like everything is a show. And this is a family where money is no obstacle to anything. The whole TBM wedding thing seems to be a joke almost. TBM niece just got married and she had her wedding photos (with groom) taken outside the SLC temple about a month or two BEFORE the wedding. Wedding dinner was held the night BEFORE the wedding. The so-called 'bridesmaids' did not wear their bridemaids dresses outside the temple...MOB and MOG and other important family members didn't wear their 'fancy' dresses outside the temple either. Then, later in the evening for the TWO HOUR reception bridesmaids dressed up in bridesmaids gowns and MOB and MOG are all decked out. (Did I mention there were NO groomsmen?)

So maybe the lesson is that weddings aren't all that important to them.

And you are asking why they don't care about asking you as a close family member I think the answer is that they are brainwashed and you can't expect anything better from them. When I first got involved with the Morg my nevermo mom used to always say that I had been brainwashed...after a few visits to UT and hanging around TBMs she would say 'they are all brainwashed"..I think to some degree they ARE. Don't try to figure it out....they almost can't help it.

out

I think outofutah is right. Weddings just aren't that important to them. It only matters that they happen in the temple.

Non-mormons will travel across the country to attend a family wedding, while TBMs can barely be bothered to drive to the next town.

Strange, isn't it?

So, they aren't surprised when others don't bother to show up either.

Or maybe bona dea is right. They were being polite. Hey, it's a first, be glad.

I am experiencing this exact same dynamic- I stopped attending church over a year ago and NOBODY has asked me why. But you can bet they have talked to my wife and even my kids about me. It amazes me that I find myself in this situation after giving heart and soul to the church for 20 years. My theory is that the lack of confrontation allows them to keep their pre conceived notions intact. In other words, they don't want the truth. Living in a bubble is exactly what they do. My wife just tells everyone to pray for me- like I have some type of terminal illness. I am glad I am out of this organization- this just affirms my decision to leave. I am working on a letter to friends and family on my reasons for leaving- I'm on my 20th draft or so.... I need an editor as it just gets longer and longer.

They are afraid; which is not a bad place to be actually. Because I frequently marvel when I read complaints from exmos on the board about how TBM family and friends make all sorts of comments about going to church yada yada.

The truth is that if you handle them in the right way, they are AFRAID to ask because they won't know how to handle what you say to them.

I think some personalities generate this dynamic and others do not.

parents, brothers or sisters, on either side of the family asked us why. My guess is they don't want to hear anything that might be anit-mormon in nature.

another part being that they just will not go out of their comfort zone if they can possibly avoid it.

I agree with your description - Mormons are heartless. It simply doesn't matter to them if the issue doesn't make them upbeat and able to boast. Your existence it seems is merely unremarkable. Sad but true. I am sorry they are so cold. And yes, nevermos talk about all issues to anyone who wants a listening ear.

Just remember, Temple marriage means they are exalted above the rest of the people. They have a "higher understanding". The rest of us apparently will never be where they are with out divine intervention.

Remember: The church is perfect but the people are not! BARF

Thanks for all the responses. I've just been reading posts here and there because with all the family still in town (well, the next town over to be exact) I've only popped into RfM quickly a couple of times. Tonight we went over to DH's parents house for a family dinner and it was same ol'/same ol' except for two things. My MIL kept hugging me and telling me she loved me sooooo much. She is one of those rare people who actually did go inactive for about 9 months back in the 80s because someone was rude to her so I think she thinks we can be "fixed" with enough cuddling. She's one of the few who I understand that attitude from. The other funny thing was my very shy, notoriously jack Mormon BIL kept finding reasons to come over and talk to me. I'll bet he is dying to find out if he's got company in the family dog house. Next family event, when it's less crowded, I'm going to have to drag him aside and have a little chat - see if there is room in the dog house for me too.

I think this little ditty will explain it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWA_jr-AwyA