I am sorry that you felt I was trying to psychoanalyze you -- that absolutely was not my intent. Nor do I think I am particularly jaded.

I was attempting to offer support for the pain you expressed and to suggest possible strategies to deal with it.

I do not always get expressing emotions or dealing with emotions "right".

I apologize for upsetting you further.

Just wanted to say that I think your posts are very insightful and compassionate, Rebeckah - this looks like a misunderstanding that could have happened to anyone. Kudos to you for apologizing. In fact, I think you deal with emotions better than most. :)

I work hard at "getting" emotions. Now that I'm close to 50 years old I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it -- but I still have to stop and think first. :)

I read the threads I think were involved. IMO you simply gave some imput that might be helpful.

I think you were wrongly criticized.

I admit I'm a bit confused what tripped Outofutah's switch. Is Outofutah the same poster as nomo in that thread?

I think we all have limits for our sensitivity levels. It seems to me that the last few years the threshold for people being offended has changed. Nowadays, it's not uncommon for people to complain more about posts not protecting their tender sensitivities. They find things too crude, too rude, or too real and respond by complaining.

In the wild west days of this board, things were, well, more wild. Some of the posters here now would have had their sensitive heads explode.

I think this board has done a good job trying to mollycoddle the ones who get uncomfortable easily but it comes at a sacrifice. One of the beautiful things about this board for me has been the raw honesty and expression of what people really think.

I know a lot of people live in a Pollyanna mental state where everyone plays nicely and a nice man in the sky makes everything right in the end. Well, in real life you get people who share what it was like being raped. We can learn from it instead of worrying about someone being offended.

If people need to go through life with their heads in protective sand, I really wonder why they come to sites like this in the first place. Maybe they like to look for opportunities to be offended. Maybe they will go through life expecting everyone to protect their feelings.

I have learned a lot here, especially from people who pushed my comfort levels. I don't encourage coddling here but I am only one poster. There are other boards where people are non confrontational. I'm here because I don't want things sugar coated.

So, Rebeckah, I say thank you for your contributions.

That is fine. I did not mean to sound harsh in return.

I was simply trying to state what I find to be the obvious. I forget that people see posting on these boards as something different than interacting in real life. In the circles I travel in, while people might disclose that they had been abused in a random conversation with a stranger, they do not, typically, go into the disturbing details. Perhaps your experience has been different. Perhaps I am being silly in expecting anonymous posters to behave the way they would in real life.

Certainly I will refrain from reading posts the subject of which may indicate there is something disturbing inside.

Dagny- clearly you think that your being little effected by the details of such disturbing events is some sort of virtue; I find that very odd. No, I am not a Pollyanna and of course I do not think everything in life is nicey nice.

I mused that some people might not think it disturbing to others to hear such details. I suppose some may need an anonymous public forum through which to vent and heal. I think they should find a more appropriate manner in a more appropriate place.

I respect your opinion. I hope you can do the same for mine.

notmo

ExmoRon just changed his handle too. Is it something in the water?

:)

Then a RECOVERY board? I'm a little confused?!? You CHOSE to read a thread that was CLEARLY titled with a disturbing name. Then, you want to suggest that you were traumatized? You could have discontinued reading at any point.

Where would you find mOre appropriate for this type if story? I really am curious? I thought it was well in place on a RECOVERY board. And, as always, if you felt something was amiss, there is a little report button at the bottom. Thankfully, the admins of this sight don't wish to censor....

my purpose was to suggest there are less graphic ways of describing tragic incidences in one's life. People in normal life do it all the day. Typically people don't go into the graphic details of traumas they'd suffer.

I suppose one could presume that some consider their interaction on the board as they would private therapy sessions.

I questioned the appropriateness of this behaviour...that is all.

notmo

ours does well enough notmo!! hint hint....wink wink.... :)

and too many times in life we don't allow people to heal. I took note (and take note from friends and family who have divorced) that a month after you get a divorce, everyone doesn't want to hear about it anymore. They always say, "Oh get over it already."

TALKING IT OUT no matter how gory the details is what helps people heal and this board has certainly helped me, so I'm not going to limit anyone else on what they come here to vent about. I've been going to therapy for over 13 years now on and off--because nobody wanted to listen to what I went through. Secrets are damaging.

When I was divorced, when I lost my children (miscarriages), when my husband was wounded overseas, when we lost fellow soldiers in war...everyone is fine with greiving, but only for that set amount of time.

Once that few weeks or months are over with, we are expected to "get over it".

I really think it is due to the fact that greif or expression of tragedy makes OTHERS uncomfortable...so they want YOU to just "get over it" and "move on". Who are we (anyone) to say what or how another human being is supposed to greive or recover...?

Last time I checked, recovery is an extremely individual and personalized journey. While there may be commonalities and similarities, each of us has a different life path and experiences that make us who we are.

..typically people don't open up to strangers as they would in a private therapy session.

overit

notmo

This is a support board. It's very typical for people to open up to strangers (i.e. people they never see) about pain in great detail, actually. There was a study done about it. People are most comfortable disclosing very painful, personal stuff to total strangers. Why? Because they have no investment in the strangers' opinion of them, so it won't hurt so much if the stranger rejects them.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but frankly, the phrase "manage your own d@mn internet" comes to mind when I read you whining about something someone else posted. If you don't like it, don't read it. You don't have the right not to be offended. Sheesh.

And you, along with a few others have answered why you think people behave this way. I appreciate your giving your input.

I don't believe 'whining' enters into it.

btw...I believe you are 'whining' about me 'whining'

notmo

No, I'm calling you on your unreasonable expectations. It's a support board. This is something you should expect. If you don't like it, you shouldn't look. But posting about it the way you did? Absolutely qualifies as whining.

and actually some people here have answered me back with quite reasonable responses to the issue I raised (Cristina and Anagrammy's posts gave me particular pause to reconsider my position.)

You, however are accusatory and quite whiney...next time; don't bother.

notmo

People in cults have no idea where the boundaries are that you are musing about. How much is enough? Too much info? Will people sympathize with me or hate me for telling? These are questions that people can have answered by posting painful details on the internet. It is a therapeutic environment of support here and reading disturbing things Mormons have done is upsetting to people all the way up and down the spectrum, regardless if it is sexual or not.

I believe in speaking plainly because, as I said before, the pain is in the details and the details helps people. Some of you know that I was molested by a doctor in my late twenties. Guess how I realized I had been molested? I read about it here--that doctors did this kind of thing. Without the details, I would have never figured it out. STILL--it was so embarrassing and I felt so stupid, I didn't tell anyone until I posted it here.

I posted the embarrassing graphic details because I want women to know that if a doctor wants to "test" your Kagel muscles with his fingers, you are being molested. Sharing ruses that child molestors use helps readers protect their children (despite the fact that it may give some perverts ideas of new ruses).

In my opinion, the good that is done by preventing such abuse outweighs the ick factor in publishing the embarrassing details.

Anagrammy

Just like PTSD, one overreacts or goes numb hearing too much. I understand the feeling that reading something very graphic can upset you and even anger you afterwards for days. It's not really lack of compassion as some have said. It's compassion fatigue--having given a lot of attention to traumatic stories or incidents, trying to help and burning out.

Neither side was wrong in my opinion. Both sides were coming from legitimate viewpoints. Both expressed it imperfectly as we all do everyday.

Because I'm overly sensitive and unexpectedly affected--my mood can drastically shift from feeling overwhelmed by too much bad news or horrible stories, I also realize that my potential reaction needing to protect myself when I can't hear anymore can hurt people who didn't mean to overwhelm me. Or who were not personally asking me for anything.

Some days I have bottomless ability to hear the details, some days I can't tolerate hearing more bad news at all.

But as many have pointed out this is a support group. People who need to share graphic details are entitled to support in expressing it because there is a special kind of healing that occurs in using language to express physical abuse. It has something to do with the brain--maybe RobertB can explain it better. But its a neurological thing and silence should not be imposed on people needing to express certain details to unlock them from where they are stuck in their brains/bodies.

I don't think outofutah/notmo meant any harm or that she lacks compassion--its probably the opposite. But given the context of this board, I think people shouldn't worry here that exploring how to share graphic details of abuse might be unwelcome.