My dear, sweet little brother who put off going on a mission for a few years because of "testimony issues" and so that he could save enough money to pay his own way (not "worthiness issues"-- he just had some doubts), has come home a Peter Priesthood.

He was having a really tough time when he first got out on his mission. Now that he's home, he keeps saying over and over how much he misses being a missionary, how he wishes he could go back, how he wasn't ready to come home, etc.

I told him he has a lot to look forward to, and that if he finds himself looking back on his mission as the best two years of his life, he's not doing life right. He misses the work. He misses the structure. He misses feeling like his life has purpose and meaning.

I told him I am in a transitional stage myself. I graduated from college and I need to make a grad school decision soon (I've put it off way too long). He said something to the effect of "My knee-jerk reaction is to tell you to pray about it-- I know that probably doesn't mean much to you, but that's my advice" and then he went on a bit about how to make decisions via the spirit.

I was just commiserating-- I wasn't asking for advice. I'm fully capable of figuring out what to do with myself. I'm his older sister. I've been independent and supporting myself since I was seventeen. I'm a college graduate. I've been married for ten years. I'm in my thirties. He's a recent RM with no other substantial life-experience beyond religious indoctrination-- what wisdom could he possibly impart that would be of any legitimate value?

I can't stand patriarchal attitudes. It is truly bizarre to me that my much younger brothers think they have access to special wisdom that will make my life better. I don't see them advising each other like this-- just the women. Strangely, my older brother doesn't do this. He views me as an equal. Of course, he's an unconventional Mormon.

I'm not taking it personally. More likely than not, once he gets back in the real world, he'll feel a little stupid for that conversation if he remembers it. But he has made a few other judgy comments that betray some arrogance and I'm surprised-- like really surprised. If there was one thing he was known for in our family it was his gentleness and how he never gossiped or judged other family members.

I'm not angry with him. I'm just worried for him. He has so little idea of how little he knows about this world and how much he has to learn, but he already "knows" everything that's important. His mind is made up on the basic facts of the universe and everything flows from that.

I know it's too early to know how it's all going to come out in the wash. After he transitions, he might end up being fairly normal. Both of my other RM brothers came back very judgmental. One of them is still judgmental and has this air of absolute authority about him. The other (older one mentioned above) ended up being really cool for a Mormon.

Ick. Every time I come to a point where I'm thinking I could negotiate some kind of healthy family relationships, I am reminded that the church has pretty well made that impossible.

That's tough. Give him time. He's not adjusted yet. My youngest son came home all righteous...said he promised his mission pres he wouldn't play frisbee on Sunday. Took about six weeks before he was getting the guys rounded up on Sundays for the weekly ultimate game.

I really miss him (the way he was) and I won't be able to have the same kind of relationship with him if he's not able to have a conversation without mentioning religion. Like, I can live with him believing the baloney, but if he can't relate to other people without bringing it up, things will never be what they were. I miss my brother so badly.

some ppl Just Live 'Better' being told what to do...ALL THE FING TIME!

Simon Says, anyone?

I'm worried he might up and join the military because of it. He used to be so unconventional, anti-establishment, etc. Wouldn't even wear shoes unless he was about to be kicked out of a store.

When my brother came home from his mission, it was practically like he was a trained animal... Couldn't do anything by himself. I felt like he came home a total stranger, and I was worried.

He gave me unsolicited advice. He asked me about my testimony, which had clearly already crumbled. But he did get better, and over a decade later he does not treat me that way... The patriarchal attitude is gone (mostly), he's aware of some of the less pleasant aspects of Mormon history, and he's a pretty normal guy.

Try to hold out some hope.. I think it's a pretty bewildering transition for these guys.

If your brother had been kept as a POW for two years, would you be thinking a relationship might be "impossible" going forward? If he had been a coma for two years, and told you he had a near death experience which changed how he sees things, would you wonder if you could still be close?

What I'm suggesting here is that your own fear is making you anxious. It is perfectly normal for the salesman/robot to still be spouting his lines. There is an adjustment period for every returned missionary. For him to return to seeing himself as a man among men takes time. It is true that some young men stay assholes of authority. You, however, have no control on that. What you can control is your own mental state.

You have truth on your side, you are a grown adult woman, mature and exprienced in life. Your brother and millions of men you don't know think you need guidance from them. That has no effect on how delicious your coffee will be tomorrow morning.

All you can be is serene and joyful within yourself. Others will be attracted to that peace and want to be closer to you. Those others may not ever be related to you. The people you love the most may or may not validate the changes you've passed through to become the wise woman you are.

Your brother hasn't been in your life recently and may need some time to see that you have something he doesn't have. He is either going to walk in the labyrinth that Mormonism provides for a life, or he will create his own, like you are. All you can do is quietly point the way to freedom.

(Hugs)

Anagrammy

PS. Thank GOD he has someone he loves who is free and there to show him the way when he's ready.