I'm an 18 year old who attends BYU now. My dad was my bishop back home for around 3 years, and has been in the bishopbric since I can remember. My family is one of the well known mormon families in the church and I received my mission call about a month ago.

When I was about 16, I had a non member girlfriend that my parents highly disapproved of. After about 6 months, we started having sex, which most of you know is a huge sin in the church..we continued to have sex until I broke up with her after a year and a half of dating (she just ended up being psycho). Then I've had a few girlfriends since that I've fooled around with and none of this I have really "repented" of. I lied in interviews to receive my mission call and enter the temple. After going to the temple and seeing what all goes on there, that's when my questioning first started. I know that when I tell my bishop I've had sex and fooled around just last weekend, I won't be going on my mission and such.

That being said, I feel like everyone's going to be so disappointed in me and whatnot for not being "worthy", but it's going to be much worse when I tell them I'm highly considering not being a member anymore. There are parts of the church I agree with, like the word of wisdom, just because of personal belief, but a lot of it seems straight up crazy. After reading about the Freemasonry and the different versions of the first vision, it's really starting to ease the decision. I'm just incredibly scared knowing that my whole life is going to change when I tell them I don't want to be apart of it, knowing that there are 100+ family members that will potentially try to suade me otherwise (My mom is one of twelve, my dad one of 6).

Any suggestions on how to tell them and how to deal with potentially being cut off financially being a college student and emotionally?

That's just my opinion.

But you DO need to tell them you're not going on a mission. That would be a waste of time and is highly emotionally destructive to many young people.

It won't be easy, but life can be challenging. You need to face this and you'll be better off for it.

I left the church at your age and have not regretted it. In fact it was the best decision of my life.

It's your job to think about what's best for you. I it is not necessarily your job to keep mormons happy. As hard as it is to feel you're disappointing everyone, it is easier and better to leave the mormon church while you are as young as possible which is now.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/06/2010 10:31AM by Cheryl.

While the sex may be a way to get them to let you off the hook, it is not the real reason why you are opting to not go. You simply do not believe the church is true. That is the best reason and you need no other.

Why would you submit yourself to their scrutiny and let them humiliate you because of your perfectly normal sex drive. You sound rational and reasonable and are at a point where you are calling your own shots in life. Keep EVERYONE out of your personal sex life.

Good luck and keep us posted

Things to tell any LDS missionary (or anyone that does not want to be a missionary).

1. You are an ADULT. Think and act like it. As an adult, you make choices and you are responsible for those choices regardless of who influenced you to make the choice and regardless of what type of persuasion was used.

2. If you choose to discuss your sex life with someone who has ulterior motives, regardless of whether the discussion was supposedly in confidence, you can reasonably expect that someone to use that information to coerce you. Knowledge is power. The more someone knows about you, the more power they have over you. Confession in the LDS culture invariably comes back at you in the form of coercion.

3. You are a VOLUNTEER. As such, you are in a superior position. The LDS church is asking you for your help. If you chose to extend your kindness to the church by VOLUNTEERING to perform some kind of function, the church needs to understand its position as the recipient of charity. If any mission president, stake president, bishop or other so called leader makes demands of you, remind him that beggars can't be choosers and he is in no position to demand anything of you, AN ADULT VOLUNTEER.

4. Money + passport + clear thinking = freedom.
You are an adult, you are a volunteer, there is no binding contract. You can be a missionary on Sunday and a tourist the rest of the week if you so choose. You don't need their permission to be a missionary. You can go knock doors anywhere you want at anytime without anyone's permission, blessing, calling, or setting apart. You don't need anyone's permission to be a tourist at anytime. You can tour anywhere you choose at anytime. It's your belief system that both limits and empowers you.

5. In the United States, they cannot 'send' you home. They can only coerce you into agreeing to go home. In the USA, you have the option of telling the mission president you will go home on your schedule, not his. If he has trouble understanding that, I'm certain the local police will help him understand the you are a FREE ADULT, not an indentured servant.

6. I'm not sure about the visa requirements in a foreign countries as far as a mission president being able to send you home. Research the law before you go so you'll know what kind of legal power a mission president has in the country you are going to, but in the USA they cannot 'send' you home.

7. Take a credit card, a telephone calling card, and a photocopy of your passport with you. That's what any rational adult would do. DO NOT TELL ANYONE about them. They are your ticket out. Keep your options open.

8. Take care of yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep. Make sure you eat right. Make sure you are safe. Make sure you are healthy. Make sure you keep private matters private. That all sounds obvious. What isn't obvious to some missionaries is that obeying rules does not relieve one from natural consequences. If people around you are not allowing you to take care of yourself, they are not your friends. Simply tell them that you are not available for whatever it is they want you to do. If they as why, simply say you don't care to discuss that. Do not present your reasons for debate. You are an ADULT. You do not have to defend your reasons for your decisions. You do have to live in the environment you create with your decisions.

9. Print this out and take it with you.

I'm printing this out and giving it to my son if he ever decides to go on a mission.

Just wanted to reiterate-Do not tell the Bish about your sex life! It will not remain confidential. He will want to hold a church court. It will involve his counselors as well as other men.

they mete out their punishment.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/06/2010 04:15PM by Adult of god.

When one is sent to a foreign country, the mission president will confiscate his or her passport, even though it is illegal to separate one from one's own passport, even when the individual has a legal residency permit. (The permit is no good without the visa foil in the passport, and the passport must be accessible to the person.) I don't know why they think they can get away with this.

In my mission Thailand. The office peeps asked other missionaries to "forge" the signatures of other missionaries to extend their Visas. I think for the Elders the office staff just forged them, but sometimes they have trouble duplicating the more girly signatures of some of the sisters. I declined.

All you have to say is that you need more time to know if a mission is for you and that you want to get at least an AA degree out of the way before you go anywhere.

Leave your sex life out of it and don't let anyone push you into lengthy doctrinal arguments.

Refusing to go on a mission is not a crime, you know.
You have a right to say NO.

You are smart not to waste 2 years of your life trying to sell a religion that is based on a fictional book.

Get away from the unreasonable religious pressure by transferring out of BYU into another school at the earliest possible moment and look around for student loans if your family cuts you off.

Man up, and do what you really believe to be right for you.

You are 18 now and considered an adult. If you don't want to be a mormon, your sex life is no one's business. You can tell people you just don't feel the time is right to go, ie say NO. Once you go on a mission it will be even harder to disentangle yourself from the church. That's the idea. You'll be a heroic RM, you'll be given more and more church positions, and they'll find an LDS girl to marry right away. Don't waste your life, serving a church you don't believe in.

Apply to other schools, away from Utah and family members, and start applying for student loans. Do this now. Look at it this way: if you have a change of heart you can always go on your mission. But it's just plain wrong to try to con people into joining a church you don't believe in, and this will eat at you day in and day out, and will erode your joy of living until you wish you were dead.

Be true to yourself. Or as Shakespeare put it in Hamlet:

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

They were poor and needed my income. I wanted to go to school. Since I am a girl schooling wasn't considered important. I moved out to test the church free from worry about disappointing my parents, and secure my income. It can be done. My oldest son became financially independent from me at 21, got a job and school loans.

I agree don't spill the beans on sex. I understand it is a convenient way to disqualify yourself for your mission. Part of the trick with Mormonism is the submissive exposure of yourself. By sharing to the bishop you are playing their game, giving them the power of holding the "sin" over your head. And I promise you will be very disappointed in how easy they will make it to go on your mission anyway. Sex is not that big of a deal. In the real world the big deal about sex is choosing your partner(s) wisely. No more psycho girls. No flakey girls who will try to possess you with pregnancy. Also deciding if you swing or prefer monogomy?

To thine own self be true.

Mormon's have intense pressures to conform to social expectations. It is hard to understand at your age it would be better to have courage and be honest about why you choose not to serve a mission. They will use fear of breaking up their eternal family and jeapordizing your own eternal salvation, heavy manipulation tactics... and you will have to forgive them for they know not what they do. It is what they believe and beliefs are not rational... kind of like a crazy girlfriend.

By being honest about why you do not what to serve a mission you are taking back your own power. I find the best way to deal with the emotional manipulation is plain and simple truth. I think at your age the most helpful thing we could do for you would be to share some talking points we have used dealing with our families. So here are some of mine.

I cannot sacrifice my personal integrity just to please you.

I don't know the church is true, you trained me to say that.

I can see now that as a child the church made me feel good because it was pleasing to my parents, not because it was true.

Other religions have just as powerful of a witness to truth.

I do not wish to disrespect other's beliefs by saying my religious product is better than theirs.

God coulda, shoulda, woulda done a much better job at picking someone to be his prophet. To say Joseph Smith was flawed is a huge understatement. He was a con and a swindler. I hold myself to a higher standard. Either the whole thing is fake or God needs to raise the bar.

God gave me a brain and I think it would be an insult not to use it just so I could make you happy.

Great post.

One more thing to add, consider your status at BYU. Make sure that you can withdraw, not get kicked out. That way you can keep your credits. If you talk about sex, they'll kick you out.

One thing Mormonism makes people feel, and others on this thread have pointed out, is that you have to disclose whatever they ask. Because of this, people aren't very good at keeping things personal, we spill it all if asked. You don't have to.

Here's how we're conditioned to do it.

You- I'm not going on a mission.

Them- Why? You've got to go.

You- I just can't do it.

Them- Why? Have you done something you haven't repented of?

You- Yes.

Them- What?

And off you go to spill your guts to them.


Here's how you can do it.

You- I'm not going on a mission.

Them- Why not? You have to go.

You- My heart's not in it, I won't be doing it.

Them- You've got to go... What is going on... Etc. etc.

You- Discussing it right now won't be productive for me.

Them- Have you sinned and haven't repented.

You- As I stated, discussing it right now won't work for me.

Them- Similar questions over and over.

You- As I stated already, discussing it won't work for me.

Them- Same stuff over and over.

You- I don't know how many times you want me to have to say this, but I'm not willing to discuss it with you right now. Perhaps in the future I'll have that discussion with you when I'm more comfortable, but right now isn't the time.

There is a thousand variations of what you could say. I was just giving an example that is rarely done in our culture (Mormonism, not U.S. culture). We've learned that they ask, and we have to answer. We get to decide what and how much to share once we get out of the cult mindset.

Good luck. I'm glad that you are not willing to do something that would be damaging to you, like go on a mission when you know it's a lie.

DNA Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Great post.
>
> One more thing to add, consider your status at
> BYU. Make sure that you can withdraw, not get
> kicked out. That way you can keep your credits. If
> you talk about sex, they'll kick you out.
>
> One thing Mormonism makes people feel, and others
> on this thread have pointed out, is that you have
> to disclose whatever they ask. Because of this,
> people aren't very good at keeping things
> personal, we spill it all if asked. You don't have
> to.
>
> Here's how we're conditioned to do it.
>
> You- I'm not going on a mission.
>
> Them- Why? You've got to go.
>
> You- I just can't do it.
>
> Them- Why? Have you done something you haven't
> repented of?
>
> You- Yes.
>
> Them- What?
>
> And off you go to spill your guts to them.
>
>
> Here's how you can do it.
>
> You- I'm not going on a mission.
>
> Them- Why not? You have to go.
>
> You- My heart's not in it, I won't be doing it.
>
> Them- You've got to go... What is going on... Etc.
> etc.
>
> You- Discussing it right now won't be productive
> for me.
>
> Them- Have you sinned and haven't repented.
>
> You- As I stated, discussing it right now won't
> work for me.
>
> Them- Similar questions over and over.
>
> You- As I stated already, discussing it won't work
> for me.
>
> Them- Same stuff over and over.
>
> You- I don't know how many times you want me to
> have to say this, but I'm not willing to discuss
> it with you right now. Perhaps in the future I'll
> have that discussion with you when I'm more
> comfortable, but right now isn't the time.
>
> There is a thousand variations of what you could
> say. I was just giving an example that is rarely
> done in our culture (Mormonism, not U.S. culture).
> We've learned that they ask, and we have to
> answer. We get to decide what and how much to
> share once we get out of the cult mindset.
>
> Good luck. I'm glad that you are not willing to do
> something that would be damaging to you, like go
> on a mission when you know it's a lie.


I wouldn't go about it this way. If you say this that leaves the door open for them to think you've sinned (which you haven't) and that you're open to discuss it later.

No. Cut them off.

You haven't sinned and there are no unresolved issues to deal with. End of discussion. You are an adult and they have NO business prying into your (perfectly normal) private life.

Best wishes to you. You're in a very difficult spot with your family pressures. That sucks but you sound very smart and I'm sure you'll come out on the other end all the better.

You don't have to be cut off financially or emotionally.

Simply say you prayed about it and you felt the prompting to fulfill a mission after graduation. You don't know why. There is nothing more important to you than a mission. You want to go now but you're not supposed to. When you turned in your mission papers you were just going through the motions because that's what you thought was expected of you. But if you are going to dedicate your life to the Lord you need a confirmation. After searching the scriptures, pondering, searching your heart, and praying to the Lord, you have received a confirmation you never expected.

A light came into your mind as you were praying and it was as clear as if someone was standing in the room talking to you, "You came into my University to learn. You are not yet learned, when you learn, Go forth and Serve." A peace came over you like you've never felt before and you began sobbing. There is a God, he has a plan for you, and He has given you personal revelation. Why can't you go now? What is it you need to learn? You don't know why. You just know the Lord has spoken directly to you and you will do His will.

Maybe it's because if you go now, you won't meet the person you promised in the pre-existence you would bring them the gospel. Maybe it's because if you go now the timing isn't right to meet your wife when you come back. Maybe it's because the skills you develop in school in the next three years will be critical in being able to open people's hearts to receive the gospel. You don't know why but you do know that prayers are answered and you have studied this out in mind and in our heart and you have received a confirmation that you know to be true and right. You don't know what the future holds but you do know that you will follow the Lord's plan for you as revealed to you in personal prayer.

If the "Are you worthy?" question comes up, of course you are, you're receiving personal revelation and that doesn't happen unless you are worthy.

Don't you think that explanation would be accepted by your family a little more readily than "Gee Dad, I fucked a girl so I'm not worthy."

If you want to sell something, tell people what they want to hear.

After you graduate, get another convenient revelation. Meanwhile do the Lord's will and get a good education.

Use their own silly nonsense against them.

Joseph Smith didn't have a vision as a 14 year old boy such as he described in 1838. The Book of Mormon is not what the Mormon leaders say it is. The Book of Abraham is not a translation of those papyrii that Joseph Smith purchased. None of this has anything to do with how worthy you are. You could be the next Mother Teresa--it would make no difference.

Why make your decision not to go on a mission about YOUR "worthiness"? You don't need to get into all that. You had sex with your girlfriend. Outside of the emotionally retarded world of Mormonism, that is normal. You are worthy of dignity, because you are a unique human being. Mormons use sexual worthiness as a diversion to keep people from realizing the whole thing is a fraud. This is a situation in which they didn't fire you--you quit!

Just be sure to do what the other posters reccomend and start making practical plans for YOUR life. Many of us wish that we had seen the light about this at your age, but you have some challenges to be ready for. Stand up for yourself now--you'll be glad you did.

"Simply say you prayed about it and you felt the prompting to fulfill a mission after graduation."

This sounds like the best course to me. Then find a way to get away and experience life outside the Corridor. Your head seems to be in the right place; you'll be fine.

Do not say anything that will make you not worthy. You know how mormons get when somebody is not worthy.

What I recommend is to say you have prayed and it has been revealed to you that you are not to go on a mission and your path is elsewhere. You are praying and discussing it with God and he wants to you continue with school.

Personal revelation goes a long way in the Mormon church.

Don't "confess" as a way to get out of a mission.
You're wasting your time and the bishop's, because he has to put you on a "repentance" program. He's not just gonna say "OK, no mission, bye". He's gonna ask all about it and maybe tell your parents, then "prescribe" a composite regimen of probation, read, pray, and return-and-report (My mission pres did that when I told him I had masturbated, I thought he'd send me home but no such luck).

Just walk away.

Leave BYU.

A secular university (and even most religious private universities) don't care about your sex history. It's irrelevant. Whether it was a mistake or not is your call alone. Get into an environment where your basic human dignity is taken for granted.

You will find some good advice here and some terrible advice also. Your situation is not easy. As you stated you have tons of family on both your mom and your dad's side. That a big burden for an 18 year old guy to carry!

Also, before you jump into the student loan trap that some people have recommended, I would look at other alternatives. Do you have any relatives who are exmormons or who don't believe in Mormonism? Do you have any close friends who are exmormons? If so perhaps you could confide in them and stay with them.

Being 18 makes you a NEW adult. I have an 18 year old daughter so I know that while she is still an adult at school, all this adult stuff is new to her. Five years ago I was 42. Five years ago she was 13. I know she still needs to be guided as she becomes more secure in her new freedom and responsibility as a young adult.

As for the sex part, you must understand that in the regular, normal world that is your own business. Part of mind control is the tight control of a persons sexual feelings. I would not give anyone the information they seek to control you.

Guilt is the engine that runs groups like Mormonism. Don't let yourself be bullied.

You have a tough road ahead of you but you will make it. I'd be honest with your parents about the mission. If they make threats, see if you can "postpone" it until you have finished college. Tell them you just are not mature enough yet.

I sure wish you all the luck in the world.

My two cents. I'd fess us now. All these issues will be waiting for you after two years when you return and you will have wasted two years.

But regardless of what you do about the mission you need to transfer out of BYU asap. That is a school that will be on your resume for the rest of your life and will announce to every potential employer I'M A MORMON. Also, that school has shown itself to be very vindictive and would relish the opportunity to deny you a degree after four years of work just because you won't bow your head and say 'yes.'

Not to mention their growing issues with academic credibility.

One of my life's greatest regrets is going on a mission. I did have good experiences but they are more than overshadowed by the part of me that died in the mission field.

Think of how it will affect you to have to sell the gospel, to counsel extremely poor people to pay tithing or sell everything to go to the temple. How will you deal with knowing you are selling a lie and living it yourself? That is where something inside you starts to surrender so that the 100+ people expecting you to serve can be happy.

Read 1984 before you go. That is the best missionary manual I can think of.

I agree with the other posters, keep you sex life private.

Before you make the big announcement, transfer your BYU credits to another university. If the bishop decides to yank your ecclesiastical endorsement BYU will expell you and mark your transcripts with a big "HONOR CODE VIOLATION" - which to other (normal) colleges will mean that you got caught cheating.

Find a university that has a degree program BYU doesn't offer. You can always change your major later, but it gives you a plausible reason not to continue at BYU. If you parents want you at a Utah school, consider UVU - it has a high population of Mormons but is much easier for non-believers to fly under the radar and (most) of the faculty don't care about your religion.

Good luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/06/2010 10:50AM by caedmon.

The fact that you are posting on an Exmo blog is enough reason to not go on a mission. You clearly have doubts and are only going because you don't want to disappoint your family.

Guess what? You are going to disappoint your family eventually, so just get it over with. Fortunately for you, you are obviously not gay so that one won't kill them. However, if you go on a mission, it will only show you more reason NOT to stay in the church, and you will be utterly miserable the entire time. Trust me, I was and I went to France.

You are young, you are obviously handsome enough to get laid, so go to college and NOT at BYU where you can get an education, have fun and get laid.

Will your family be disappointed? Obviously, but that will happen eventually anyway, so just get it over with. Will your neighbors cluck their tongues? Who gives a damn! Just move away and you'll hardly ever see them again. As for your bishop, he is just reciting the company line so he can stuff it.

Live your life for yourself, the way you think is best. Trying to please other people is futile, since it costs you a lot and only gives them a little.

Two years of your life is a lot to give to temporarily avoid disappointing your family. Why waste your time and their money?

If they threaten to defund your college, just pay for it yourself. I did. If they are that petty, you are better off finding out now and removing them for your life as much as possible.

Prez Hinckley said: "Either the church is true or it is a fraud... there is no middle ground"
You fill in the rest. Good luck!

Keep the sex life private. Dont tell a soul. Use the revelation piece about staying for your education and GET OUT of BYU. They will revoke your credits most likely.

I am sorry for what you are going through. This is becoming more common though, so I am hoping your parents will have some level of understanding.

Once you are out on your own, you make your own decisions.

Stay strong.

Okay....you don't believe. So be honest with yourself first. You mentioned the word of wisdom. Well, write it all down and then say to yourself....don't a lot of people who are NOT Mormon believe these things. Not all of the things of course. But start from there to explain to family they are not the only honorable people in the world.

Tell them of the specific things you disagree with.....be very specific. Then just say you care about them but not about following a so called prophet- JS- who obviously was arrogant and did not even care about the men who were married to women because he went ahead and married them also. Tell them how the Temple creeped you out and you felt nothing spiritual there. Best of luck. This life you are living is about YOU- not the large family you are a part of. Hope you find a nonmormon girl who you can date who won't tell you how to think and act. That is basically any female who is not Mormon!!! Let us know how it goes. We are all happy there will be one less missionary out there spreading lies.

Your story is very much like mine. I was a SP son, (my whole family on both sides are TBM since the pioneer days), waiting for my mission call, and drinking and banging like a sailor on leave. I didn't want to go on a mission, but once you start living the "double life" it's hard to give up the "rightous you" ,let everyone down, and embarass the family. One of my older sisters found me out and narced me out to my parents, and long story short I was given the ultimatum "shape up or ship out" I thought about it overnight, and I shipped out the next day. I had a "summer" roofing job, and an old piece of crap Camero, and $300 to my name. I found an old trailer in the country I could rent for $150 a month, and kept working at roofing until winter weather shut us down. I came up with the plan to join the Army reserves and did my basic training during the winter months, and went back to roofing when I got back. I decided that the Army wasn't that bad, and decided to go full time for a 4 year hitch. Long story short, i met my nevermo wife out there, got out, went to school on the GI bill. My wife and I worked full time to put her through at the same time. I have my degree, and own my own business, and am doing fine. My wife is a professor at a local college, and is working on her docturate right now.

My point is, I could have "whored" my life out, for my families finacial support, but it is not worth it! I never would have met my wonderful wife, and I wouldn't be as proud of my degree, if it was "given" to me.

As far as emotional support, I cut that off from them, and took the power away from them! The whole time I was in the service, I never called or wrote them at all(I did send a short note after I got back from Operation Just Cause, to let them know I was uninjured). When I moved back to town, they came to me and asked me to be part of their lives again. I agreed(I missed them, a lot!) but on my terms, and the funny thing is I had a better relationship with my parents over the past 20 years(dad passed away 2 years ago) than my TBM siblings, and they respect my opinion more, which drives the Mollys crazy! Since my exodus, I have had 6 nephews and 3 nieces leave tscc. As for the sister that narced me out,....I still thank her for doing it, because it improved my life.......It makes her nuts.

You can do this! A bull can't rule the pasture, while he is still nursing.

cave into the demands of your family. Get you ticket punched and then watch the next generation of your family go through the same crap.

Or you can fold your hand, walk away from the table and be a hero to children and grandchildren.

But understand, what you do now will affect how your children will live in the future.

All you need to do is let them know you're very uncomfortable with the idea of going on a mission right now or within the next few years. You can give them a time frame or not. You don't have to be specific and it's unrealistic to expect them to understand. Better to continue with your education than to distrupt it with a mission when in this frame of mind, you're likely to have to come home early or be miserably depressed for two years.

When they ask you why, I like the idea of your answer being that you don't feel it's right for you now. Say that over and over changing the words slightly. Then say you're ending the conversation as you've given them a credible answer.

Being an adult isn't always easy but it's usually worth it and it usually gets easier if you flex your muscles. Think about something hard that you've done like playing the piano or entering a science competition. You had to have spunk to do many things you've accomplished like getting into college. Not going on a mission and not feeling you must fill mormon expectations are just bigger and harder versions of challenges you've met in the past. You will find that you can usually grow into whatever roles you choose in life. Aim high or aim low and you've got a good chance of hitting target.

and to this day I still feel as if I had been raped. And I am a male.

I am an ex-mormon and I live in Orem. Would you be interested in hanging out? or being friends? My email address is Angeleer8@yahoo.com.

The Mormon church has conditioned you to think that spilling your guts to authorities, family, and church members about intimate issues is both necessary and desirable. It is neither. You sex life should only be discussed with your partner, and/or an MD or (non-LDS) counselor if you feel the need.

If a bishop ever asks you if you are keeping the law of chastity, your only response should be, "Yes" or "I am keeping the law of chastity." Nothing further, even if he has follow-up questions. *Because it is none of his business.* Simply state that you have answered his question, but you WILL NOT discuss it any further.

Same thing for your family if they ever inquire if you have worthiness issues. Your response should be, "No" or "I do not have any worthiness issues." Any follow up questions in that regard are *none of their business.*

So needless to say that worthiness issues should not play a role in whether or not you go on a mission. I would highly recommend that you not go. If you haven't read Flash's post about his last day on his mission...well you should.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,27222

I like the suggestions of others on this thread to say to your family that you have prayed about it and feel that the time in not right for you to go on a mission right now. I would tell them that you feel a strong prompting that you should complete your education before taking on additional responsibilities such as a mission and subsequent marriage.

... So why would you have to tell them anything about yours?

No comment is often the best comment. Just my two cents.

I am not going to go on a mission is all you need to say. No discussion, no interviews. Any requests for reasons are met with: it's private and personal and I am not going to discuss it.
I changed my mind. I am not going on a mission. Say it over and over and over if needed.
This is about your life, you life it as you choose. There may be consequences, but so be it.
You cannot control how other people think or feel.


Keep your reasons private, never divulge any relationships with females. It's nobody's business.

I'm with Suzie Q#1 - "I'm not going to go on a mission. I've decided not to go. My reasons are personal. Leave me alone. It is my decision."

I would not go much beyond that. Do NOT divulge any sex info. That would be a big mistake.

Would to God that I had left at your age rather than cave into all the adult pressure.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/06/2010 04:37PM by madiran.

I had a Visa card and kept it on myself at all times and kept it hush. It came in handy when I decided to leave the mission early.

I did this after a failed attempt to confess my way home didn't work.

My advice is leave the church, it's easier to do ate your age than later. The sooner you make your own money the sooner you will be able to call all the shots. I would still get out of Dodge by either taking a job somewhere else. My nephew went into the Coast Guard to escape his dad and the mission. He is now flying helecopters and loves it.

Everybody's saying you're an adult, and maybe you are, but at 18 I sure wasn't. I had a driver's license and a high school diploma, but I was a teenager. That's a tough time to make important decisions.

Perhaps you could kind of ease your family into your new beliefs. You might say you don't feel worthy to go on a mission "now". Perhaps you could go to college. It would be good to go to one away from your family; present it as "this college has a really good program in my major".

Let some time pass and they'll (maybe) get the idea that you're not going to be strong in the church. Then it'll get bad, but you'll be older and better able to deal with it. Hopefully you'll meet some good friends in college who can give you the psychological support you need. The college may even have a counseling center that could help.

Good luck. You're lucky to know at 18 that it's all a lie. You have the rest of your life to be mentally free. Don't forget to follow your dreams.

Using your sexual activity as an excuse to not go on a mission may seem like the easy way out but you will regret it sooner or later, even if you are proud of the fact. People will probably say it about you no matter what when you don't go on a mission but it's still nobody's business even if they ask you point blank. The best response when you are asked this question is "I have no intention of answering such a rude question. You may think whatever you like but making the choice to go on a mission is a personal and not a public decision." Then walk away or change the subject and refuse to argue the point.

I don't know anything about your family but I wouldn't be surprised if they would not only use family pressure but also financial pressure to get you to do what they want you to do.

I hope you have put some money aside of your own so that you can move out of your parents home. I cannot believe they would be pleasant about footing the bills for school, food, housing, etc. if you are not going on a mission. If you think faking it is an alternative think again. It will make you feel all the more shackled by parental authority and Mormonism.

If you don't already have a job try to get one that will allow you to save something, stand on your own, and feel independent. It's the best feeling in the world ! It beats "feeling the spirit" by 1,000 times or more.

While on my mission I met an elder who was a grandson of S.W. Kimball. He never put in his papers to go on a mission for the same reasons you don't want to go. He got pressured into it by his grandfather and ended up on a mission. He was one of my favorite elders but he languished on his mission even though we were in a really great country. If you can get on your own feet BEFORE the pressure starts you will be in a position of self-empowerment and that's the best place in the world to be. Better than any mission in the world. Best of luck.

Plus it's a little unethical to try and lure new meat into the Church if you're not buying it yourself!

Having sex at 16 is NORMAL, not immoral and sinful and bad and wrong like the Mormon church has taught you. In fact, about 8 out of every 10 things the Mormon church calls immoral or wrong or a sin are not really.

You're welcome. Wish someone had told me that when I was your age.

Don't bother with a mission....I graduated from UVSC. If short of cash, UVSC, is a great alternative. You might even find a normal girl...best of luck...but do AVOID a mission. You can start a normal life (have a family if you like) and generally save lots of money and make a lot....Best of luck...the world has a lot of possibilities

Well, I just told my parents that I didn't want to be a member anymore..they're in the "we'll love you no matter what" stage, but I'm just waiting for the "you're going to hell" stage. I officially "delayed" my MTC report date with my bishop because I told him I'm not ready to go and he was ok with that, but he doesn't know I'm actually leaving the church..
I'll keep updating you guys, thanks so much for the support and suggestions, they've really helped.

Good job!

Whatever happens, I'm sure you'll be able to handle it. The initial and probably most difficult step is what you've already dont.

Hang in there~

newtothis Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Well, I just told my parents that I didn't want to
> be a member anymore..they're in the "we'll love
> you no matter what" stage, but I'm just waiting
> for the "you're going to hell" stage. I officially
> "delayed" my MTC report date with my bishop
> because I told him I'm not ready to go and he was
> ok with that, but he doesn't know I'm actually
> leaving the church..
> I'll keep updating you guys, thanks so much for
> the support and suggestions, they've really
> helped.

I'm proud to know you, newtothis! That took guts. I'm sure your parents are not going to give up overnight, but the fact they didn't freak out when you told them, is a good sign that eventually things will be OK between you.

Wow! I never expected to see this update this fast, at the bottom of the page! Then I realized this thread had been going on for 48h. I confess I was tempted to agree with the "take it slowly" approach and postpone things for after graduation, but I see you've already made up your mind. And you know what, the less you lie and the more you are true to your core beliefs, the healthier your life will be. Only you know your family well enough to weigh the pros and cons, anyway. So, congratulations on your decision! You are a free man, and it feels so good, doesn't it?

Don't forget to keep showing them, more than ever, the upstanding young man you are. Don't give them the slightest reason to think you want to "sin". Be kind and loving, a perfect gentleman. Best of luck to you, and keep us posted!

Honestly, I'm really surprised at myself for doing it so soon. After this semester of BYU, I'm planning on moving back to my home state but not with my parents. I'm thinking of working all of winter semester, living in a place with a friend until summer comes when I start applying for schools in-state. My girlfriend goes to school there and being apart has been hard and me being so close to my going on my mission was even harder, but now we're really excited to see how things go now that all of those issues are taken care of. I just told my girlfriend my decision today, as well. She's excited, but scared for me too. Guess we'll see how this all plays out. Who knows..maybe my parents won't cut me off? Only time will tell, but at least everything is out on the table now.

and don't give even a hint of anything that shows you are not the mature, decent young man you are. Be grateful and thankful and gracious, especially for your parents, family, etc, and show it.
Those questioning you will put you under a microscope looking for some reason to shame and guilt you.
Know how to be polite and carefully shut down over invasive and preachy conversations. Be prepared to reply with something like:
Thank you for your care and concern, this is my life, I have to live it according to my conscious.

"And you know what, the less you lie and the more you are true to your core beliefs, the healthier your life will be."

So true. And so many of us figure this out too late.

My suggestion is to lie. Lie like a f***ing rug. This true to your beliefs crap is going to just make life tuff for you. Go on a mission. Have some fun there. Don't get kicked out. A mission is no great shakes. Just fly below the radar and stay out of sight. A couple years flys by. Come back. Transfer to a good school. Find a nice girl that is not a mormon fanatic. Get married. Have some kids - not too many. Get a job or start a business (not necessarily after marriage). And get on with the rest.
This talk about being true to your beliefs or you owe it to your parents to be honest, blah blah blah. I did the above and I'm just fine. I found out much later about the church being baloney, so I dragged my wife and kids through that for many years which you will have the privelege of not doing. By the time everyone finds out, you will already be established and not dependent on parents or church or anyone else for that matter.

I too left at your age and never looked back (family is from pioneer stock and a UBER TBMs). My family went back and forth re how they viewed me but now, 30 years later, they all know that I will NEVER return, nor do they look down upon me. And, I have a pretty good relationship with them which, I never thought possible when I was 18. I never had to raise my son in the lie and now have grandchildren who are also NOT in the church, nor do they even know about it (I’m obviously not from Utah).

You seem to have a very good head of your shoulders and mature for your age.

Enjoy your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!