I'm sure you all have your own 'gems' you'd like to share.
Here is a small list my kids shared with me.

Why haven't you gotten pregnant yet?
How about you come watch and tell us how to improve our technique?

I'm so glad you asked; we're looking for a sperm donor, when can we drop off our turkey baster for your husband?

"The only reason you're living together without marriage is for the sex!"
Yeah, it's all about the sex. That's why we're going to get married soon because I don't like to share. go look elsewhere!

Friends, family, and co-workers ask me ALL THE TIME when I'm going to get pregnant!!! I HATE this question because it's none of their freaking business! If someone hasn't gotten pregnant (and they're married), there's usually a reason for it and I just want to say "MIND YOUR OWN F-ING BUSINESS!"

Any other good answers to give that aren't quite that rude but may get them to think before being so nosy??

MIL asked for years why only 2 children. I finally told her when it was any of her business, I would let her know. In the mean time, mind your own business. Shut her up for a good 6 months.

After 5 years of marriage and still no children, a former neighbor (who was also the ward gossip) took it upon herself to continually question our childless status. She managed to work a comment into every conversation - she bugged us more than our own mothers!

My DH had enough. The next time she made a comment, he hung his head and quietly replied...."Well, we had two.....but the judge took them away."

He didn't tell me what he had done until months later when a mentioned that some of the people in the ward seemed to be purposefully avoiding me.

I usually just tell them the truth. Before they converted, my husband had a vasectomy when he was married to his ex wife. He got it reversed, but hasn't gotten me pregnant. His kids now hate him and the youngest turns 18 this year. I now look forward to using what we've been spending on child support for expensive vacations.

Or... you could just say in a sarcastic way, "Why I get pregnant, you will be the FIRST to know!"

I never realized what a potentially inappropriate question that was until I was affected by infertility. People need to learn to STFU.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2011 08:44PM by knotheadusc.

I tried every nice tactic in the book with MIL when she started asking me if I missed having a baby, telling me every time I held my niece it would make me want another one, etc, etc...


She finally got an excruciatingly detailed 10 minute review of how we were still paying off child #1, how child #2 was a more then $10,000 baby, and what exactly our current insurance, the insurance we have because they dragged us up here and now DH can't find a good job, will not cover frivolous items like $60/day blood thinners. So, at this point, her choices are to either enjoy us living here, or not give us a problem when we move,because that's the only way we can afford to adopt another child, because I'm not giving birth to one.

Funny, she hasn't asked again...

We had five children and I got tired of people asking me if they were all mine.
So I said:
Two are mine by my first husband, two are my husbands by his first wife, and one is ours.
Of course, this is a riddle that most didn't "GET" - I am the first wife, and he is my first husband.

With nine kids, these are the ones I always got:

Are these all yours? Single births?

Inappropriate answer: Yes, with my athletic vagina, wanna see?

Did you ever figure our what was causing it?

Inappropriate answer: Yes, and I moved the pidgeons away from the house.


Anagrammy

Nine? No wonder you crochet, its a way to be alone in something! I had five. Now if I'm asked why I had so many I'll just say I know of an intelligent women who had nine so five is nothing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/31/2011 05:26AM by suckafoo.

...and five children is chaos also.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/31/2011 03:52PM by anagrammy.

Well that is why I crochet! :)

People ask us if we are going to try for a girl. We have three boys. Um, hell no. Baby number 3 wasn't exactly planned but he is the best surprise ever! Anyway, I'm not getting pregnant again and DH is fixed. It's always nice to say that he is snipped. It usually shuts them right up.

Totally off the Morg topic, but a valuable trick for dealing with clipboard assholes around this time of the year.

"Excuse me... Are you registered to vote and would you like to sign this sheet about something you don't care about and/or disagree with?"

"I'm a convicted felon."

Works every time. And those clipboard guys get aggressive sometimes, so it's a good thing to know.

is to make the American Sign Language sign for "deaf" (hand moving between ear and mouth) and saying the word "deaf" in a very toneless, nasal voice. It works with panhandlers too.

If I ever run into one who really knows ASL, I will be in trouble, but it has worked so far.

Someone said the other day the best answer to the "are they all yours?" question was to look the person in the eye and say "Are you calling me a slut?"

Very good responses - wish I had them when I was having my boys. They were very close - I had 3 under 26 months. So I always got asked by the ward busy bodies, did I know what caused kids? I would respond, no, care to show me?

I have a friend (an actress) who bursts into tears, when asked a rude question. That is very effective!

Inappropriate questions usually catch me off guard, and I'm too shocked to think of a witty answer, so I repeat the question
then say, "I can't believe you would ask such a question."

I combined both these techniques, when my nosiest Mormon neighbor asked me if my married daughter was planning on having a baby. I started to cry real tears, and said, "You should not ask anyone that question. She's had two miscarriages (sniff-sniff). One was just two days ago." That shut her up forever.

Ahh... Don't forget the ever-appropriate "**whatever you're asking about** killed my father!" Extra fun if it's something highly unlikely because they don't really believe you but they're terrified to call you on it just in case you're being serious.

That never shut them up for me. People in the ward who knew I had miscarried were asking me if I was pregnant again only weeks later. The real tears didn't seem to faze them, either.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/31/2011 03:26PM by Pista.

i got asked when i was having "another one" 6 weeks after my son was born... by emergency c-section and weighing only 1 lb 15 oz. did i mention that he was still in the nicu when i was asked this?

the only reason that person wasn't roundhouse-kicked within an inch of her life was that doing so would cause my c-section scar to start throbbing.

All good responses. Here is another one when asked something inappropriate.

"Why do want to know?"

I've used this with meddling relatives who inquire about my church status. They get a glazed look and suddenly realize they've asked something personal. I've never had anyone actually answer that question, either.

Re ; above "Why do you want to know?

I was just going to write the exact same thing. This works very well for any question, on any topic that you find inappropriate, or would rather just not answer. Just ask them "Why do you want to know?" and then shut up and wait for the answer. Then don't respond at all to whatever they say. They will feel awkward, and usually understand that they were out of line.

My standard response to innapropriate questions is: "I don't understand the question."

I say it very matter-of-factly while looking them in the eyes.

Only a few people have ever repeated the question, and I counter with "why do you want to know?"

Nobody has ever asked a third time.

We just enjoy the practicing too much.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/31/2011 04:03PM by bingoe4.

My mom had my baby sister at age 39 (unplanned but we all loved her & decided to keep her). My oldest sister was 17 when my baby sister was born. Also a middle sister who was 11.

So Mom, oldest sister, and middle sister are walking to the grocery store with baby sister in stroller.

Two ladies say hello and remark what a cute baby boy! Mom says, "she's a girl". As ladies walk away one says to the other, "guess we made grandma mad."

LOL

Moments before I was to be baptised the bishop guy pulls me in the office and asks me if I like to view porn online. He was shocked when I told him NO!. I thought it was going to be a special day to get closer to God and this clown pulls me in and asks me perverted questions. Luckily I was 34 yrs old and not a child!...this perverted cult needs to be taked down in a hurry!

There was a whole thread in the archives about this since it seems most people are talking about being asked about having a/nother child:

http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon621.htm

I only have 5 but I'd get asked 'Haven't you every heard of birth control?'

Well, yeah. How did you think I got them spaced at 3 year intervals?

When Hubby and I get the "are they all yours" question, his favorite response is to look and me and say "thats what she tells me." I Love it.

ah yes... the pregnancy questions:

-"so when are you going to have kids"
"eventually"
"eventually when?"

-"oh that looks so natural!" (said while i was holding a baby)
"good. it'd be a pain if i dropped the kid."

-"when are you going to have another?" (asked 6 weeks after an emergency c-section to save the life of me and my son)
"when the odds of having a baby are less on the side of me dying in the process." (it's about a 25% chance of a recurrence of preeclampsia and a 10% chance of it being hellp syndrome.)

-"isn't it selfish of you not to give your son a sibling?"
"personally, i think it's more selfish not to give him my time and attention right now." (he's developmentally delayed.)

then there are these...

-"where's [son's name]?" (asked anytime i'm out by myself)
"with pastor husband." (my husband is a lutheran pastor.)
"doesn't he have [insert church work]?"
"he's done with [insert church work] it's his quality time with [son's name]." (it's also 5:30 p.m. why shouldn't my husband get a dinner break?)

-"is [son's name] retarded?"
"no. he's developmentally delayed." ([insert cursing in my head] while i'm smiling sweetly on the outside and mentally picturing myself stabbing that person repeated with a rusty knife.)

-"you should socialize [son's name better]!" (he didn't wave at someone.)
"no... he just hates YOU."