I have a friend that divorced in Apr after finding out his wife was messing around with numerous men and in particular a married man that she believes will leave his wife for her. He told me today that he has decided to 'follow through" with his plan to tell this mans wife about the affair via certified letter.

When he told me he was going to do this I asked him why and he told me he wants to make his ex hurt and he wants to make the man she had the affair with suffer. I told him that I felt it was none of his business to tell the man's wife. I just can't believe that he would ruin a relationship and damage this woman and her children when it is not his place. Furthermore, what he believes or envisions will happen are not necessarily what will happen.

I told him if he really want's his ex to suffer, he should be indifferent and say nothing. Furthermore, it will make her suffer more if this man never leaves his wife for her. IMO it will only get her what she wants even faster and force the issue.

I told him that I felt he should focus on what he can control and the good things in his life - and once again, it is not his place or business to interfere with this man's wife. Am I way off base here? What say you all?

IMO, your friend has been badly hurt and he wants others involved to hurt as badly as he does.

You might ask him what possible positive outcome he expects will come from telling the offending man's wife about the affair with his ex.

Will hurting another innocent (the wife) in any way ease his own pain?

He's divorced. He left the unacceptable situation of his marriage. I think he should stay away from the other man's wife. He has no idea what consequences could come from telling her about the affair.

Just my tuppence worth.

It was his wife and his wife alone that made the marriage vow to him. It was his wife that violated those vows. None of those other people had any commitment to your friend and didn't violate any spoken promises made to your friend.

I know that most everyone wants to try to blame the person that was involved with the cheating wife, but bottom line, the wife decided to cheat. It is that violation of vows and promises that is really what caused the harm. Who she cheated with (so long as it isn't your friend's best bud, or other friend where trust could have been violated, then it could have been anybody, and it sounds like it was.

Your friend is lashing out at the wrong person. He is singling out one of many to attack and blame when there is only one person that deserves the true blame.

THE WIFE, The person that betrayed his trust and violated her promises.

I am not saying that the people she slept with are not at fault, can't really say what they really know about the situation. They may have been lied to and thought the marriage was already over. I am saying that the only person responsible for violated the marriage vows was the wife.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/09/2011 02:38AM by MJ.

+1 I totally concur

Sorcha - you are exactly right and I did ask him what positive he thought would come of it. His answer - I don't care, I just want them to suffer. I told him that making them suffer would not make him feel better in the end. I also asked him to please discuss it with his therapist before he does anything. Hopefully he will keep his word and do that.

Gosh, bigred, I hope he does discuss this with his therapist before he does anything that will harm others. MJ is right on: the only one deserving of blame here is the cheating wife. Hurting anyone else involved in this accomplishes nothing positive.

If the man I was married to was cheating on me I'd rather be told.

In fact, my ex DID cheat on me, no one told me (although I don't know if anyone I know actually knew), and I ended up with an STD.

That being said, lashing out just to lash out is not going to help anything.

everybody needs to know so everyone can get tested for STI's and HIV &/or the HPV vacine.

If it pisses everybody off, too bad, there are incurrable and a potentially deadly disease out there, all of should not be passed around.

Acting out of anger or not, everyone needs to know.

The innocent wife is hurting already... although she may not realise it yet.

He's divorced, what she does or doesn't do is no longer any of his business.

It sounds as though he hasn't 'let go', or 'moved on' and still has feelings for her. He is trying to keep her in his life at all costs, even in a bad way.

The best advice I can give is advice that was given to me when suffering the heartbreak of a split up.

''If your dog dies, go out and get another dog''

Best advice I've ever been given and it works...

I understand your point.

But there will only be one loser if he persues that course of action. I firmly believe that what goes around comes around, she will get her just desserts without trying to help it along.
Only my opinion, which may be wrong, but it's based on what I've seen happen in other situations.

Good call, Rebeckah.

The adulterer's wife should get the courtesy of being informed, so she can be tested.

It sounds like it's not just catching something from the mistress she needs to be concerned with---she could have caught something from those other men the mistress screwed before hooking up with the husband, too.

Can the cheated-on friend ask his divorce lawyer to send a discreetly worded note to the cheated-on wife, telling her to get tested, but not why she needs to?

Or is any communication other than a notice that her cheating husband is being named as a co-respondent in a divorce suit, a legal non-no? Do they still do the co-respondent thing in cases where adultery is claimed as the basis for a divorce?

He should tell the wife so she can take control of her life rather than being the uninformed, passive party in the mess. She should be told so she can plan what to do next. Though no one wants to learn their spouse is cheating on them, I think everyone would want to know sooner instead of later. Better to have the other wronged spouse say, "Your husband is having an affair with my ex-wife," than to learn the new reality when the husband calls from work and says, "I'm not coming home anymore. I've found someone new. My lawyer will be contacting you."

he is hurtin for certain.... but it really would serve the ex more than hurt.... plus it is not his business.... so you should make sure he realizes that he will HELP her not hinder her!

If you were in her position (i.e., having your spouse currently cheating/sleeping around on you), would you want to know?

If the answer is "yes" - tell her.
If the answer is "no" - don't.

I think he should tell her...

I wouldn't send any letters. I'd just invite the ex over for some breakfast and I'd piss in her Cheerios before she sat down to eat.

BTW, if you haven't seen "The Help", go see it.

Ron

I wish someone had told me when my ex first cheated on me.

Everyone in my ex's family knew, as did half of my friends. None of them told me. I was humiliated knowing that everyone knew and NONE of them gave me the opportunity to get tested for STD's and HIV by telling me.

I don't care who I would have heard it from, just so long as someone said something so I could have taken steps to protect myself.

+1

Interesting responses. The thing is, it's possible the wife already knows. And perhaps they have an open relationship. The testing thing IMO is not necessary when the ex-wife, and my friend have been tested and are clean. Pretty hard to pass something on that you don't have - so I believe the man's wife is ok on that front. At least at the time of the divorce in April.

I did give him what I thought was an acceptable alternative which was to send a letter to the man and let him know that he had 2 weeks or so to tell the wife. At the end of the two weeks, that my friend would be informing her.

What a mess, and about to get messier. I do believe that it will only help his ex get what she wants faster. But my biggest reason for telling him to leave it alone is because it really is none of his business and it is such a negative thing to dwell on. It is just not where I would choose to put my energy.

I agree...she might already know.

However, most people I've met that have an open relationship insist on equal honesty with other partners. That one doesn't script right, based on what the OP has said, at least IMO.

by screwing around with your friends wife. If your friend wants to tell the other guys wife then it is absolutely his right to do so...and it IS his business. Once again it was made his business by the actions of the other guy. It is your friends right to tell ANY adult (not children) that were directly affected in any way by this other guys actions.

Yes, it was his wife that cheated on him, she must own her actions. But the other guy was basically giving your friend the finger while he was giving it to your friends wife. If your friend wants to give a hearty "Fuck You!" back then more power to him.

It might help him to get some of the anger, resentment, disappointment, damage to self-esteem, etc. out of his system. And until he does he is not going to finish getting over this affair.

The cheating went on for years - anyone who knew him knew about it, but no one told me. That felt really, really bad. I had thought these people were my friends. I trusted them. I was grateful when someone eventually did gently tell me. It was painful, of course, but I would always choose knowledge over ignorance. I got tested for STDs, including AIDs, twice, a year apart, just to make sure.

Is it your place to interfere with how he responds to his situation? I'm not sure it is. He's an adult, so if he wants to send a letter, it's his decision, not yours. Sorry to be so blunt, that that's how I see it.

serena Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The cheating went on for years - anyone who knew
> him knew about it, but no one told me. That felt
> really, really bad. I had thought these people
> were my friends. I trusted them. I was grateful
> when someone eventually did gently tell me. It was
> painful, of course, but I would always choose
> knowledge over ignorance. I got tested for STDs,
> including AIDs, twice, a year apart, just to make
> sure.
>
> Is it your place to interfere with how he responds
> to his situation? I'm not sure it is. He's an
> adult, so if he wants to send a letter, it's his
> decision, not yours. Sorry to be so blunt, that
> that's how I see it.


If he had not asked my opinion, I would say it is none of my business, but, we are seeing each other and he did ask for my thoughts. I am a bit torn on the subject, I think it could make a bad siuation (his ex's attitude towards him) even worse and could back fire on him. I really just hope he talks to his therapist about it. Hopefully whatever he chooses to do will work out.

and you gave him great advice.

about my first wife, and I got tested for STDs. Did I hurt over it? Hell yes. Did I thank my friend for telling me? Hell yes. Though he felt really guilty for bearing such bad news.

In my book TRUTH wins out ALWAYS. This other man's wife knows nothing about how her husband is deceiving her. And their kids. The two sneak-arounds- think it is all a party and they are so special.

Hell yes, I would tell the other wife....not necessarily the other man that you know. The one being deceived needs to know the secret and she can take it from there. Hope she leaves him for a good man. Both couples have second class spouses.

Now this man's wife needs to grow up. Having a spouse who lies, cheats, and possibly puts your life in danger (STD's) is not a person I would want to be around. He found out and he is ONE lucky man. Most cheaters get away with it while the spouse remains a loyal one and a good parent. Now he (since he divorced her) can take charge of the rest of his life. Don't you wish the same for the woman who is in the dark about all this?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/10/2011 06:43PM by honestone.

She might not be.

Your friend's ex-wife? She will not be the only one.