I'm brand new here, so forgive me if this has already been discussed or something.

I recently read a book in which a woman decided to have a "funeral" for her marriage that was falling apart. I've also attended various ceremonies and burnings friends have held to help them let go of painful things that have happened in their past. I'm seriously considering having some sort of ceremony or burning or something to attempt to help myself let go of the baggage I carry where the church is concerned. I was wondering if anyone had done something like that, and if so, if it was at all effective. If more information or something is needed, just let me know.

It's not a bad idea...Ceremonies are a concrete meets abstract ritual that helps people move on from hurtful trauma. It can be as simple as writing a letter then burning it, to more involved rituals that include shedding the things that hold one down followed by a bath. Do what you feel you need to do.

Including trusted others can add to the experience.

I kept files and files on how to be a better LDS woman. A whole cabinet full. As part of my recovery and my resolve to become a mother whose children are first instead of a church being first, I took boxes to the beach and burned them all.

This took a while so I also cooked some hot dogs and collected rocks. I call this my Good Enough celebration -- that I was ok the way I was, on a journey, certainly not arrived, but a good person already.

As you can see, I still remember it. Oh-- I also burned all my divorce evidence that proved what an ass my Mormon husband was. I thought the kids might question my story (they did) and I thought I might need proof (I offered it) and they said, "Why do you want to hurt us." So I burned it all with the complete peace of knowing that I am who I am regardless of anything he did. I don't have to prove anything to anybody.

Over the time it took me to burn all this crap, I had a chance to think on the fact that I felt I had to constantly be proving myself. And where that idea came from.... and how I couldn't make someone love me by proving I was right...that I couldn't make them believe in me, the church, or anything really.

And that is reality. Nobody can.

Anagrammy

I had a ceremony. 4th of July 2010 I burned my Quad and all my other church materials in a pit in the backyard and filmed it on my ipod nano.

Going to Target and buying non-white regular underwear was a liberating induction ceremony to my exmormon life.

I found that bending down and kissing my ass goodby and screaaming pay lay ale helped me...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/10/2011 12:49PM by get her done.

I think resignation is one of the most cathartic things I did, personally.

I like this idea. When I cut my father out of my life (long story there - so warranted and I waited way too long to do it) I took a letter he sent and burned it in my kitchen sink. That helped, to a point, but I wish I had done something bigger. When I decided to leave the church I took every church book I could find in the house and threw them in our big trash can. That also helped, but again, I wish I had done something bigger. I'll maybe mull this over and figure out if such a ceremony might be cathartic for me. I think you're on to something - psychological breaks like this are powerful for people and there is no reason for us not to do what helps us through tough times and provides empowerment and joy.

and then dissipate into the heavens. It makes it so "gone."

Ana

Whenever I drive by the local LDS chapel or meetinghouse or whatever it's called, I roll down my window and yell, 'cult! cult! cult!' :D

I still have the BoM that the mormon man I was in a relationship with gave to me in an attempt to convert me (obviously). He eventually dumped me because I wouldn't (again, obviously). I am keeping it because one day I'd like to put it up on a target thingy and shoot a hole through it with some sort of gun... not just for my pain but all the pain the morg has inflicted anybody. Alas, I know nothing about guns or know anyone who does, so I'll have to figure that one out. But... someday!

Thank you all! I think I will definitely try something, probably a burning. I just want to move on, but I feel like I'm dragged back by thinking or family guilt trips all the time. :-P Oh well, I'm glad I found this site at least.

I was going to throw in my two cents earlier, but was making lunch, so I'm going to tack it on now.

I have not officially resigned yet, however last fall I was gone. I realized that I had a lot of fear I felt towards the Mormon concept of god. I ended up fasting, then very formally kicking him out of my life in a ceremony influenced by ideas from a pagan friend. Wouldn't work for everyone, but psychologically I needed it for a clean break.

I did a couple of things, one planned and one spontaneous, probably the outgrowth of my deliberate efforts: I began reading other understandings of God. Early on, Rev. Matthew Fox's book Original Blessing was very important to me for that and led me to Wiccan and Neopagan writings. I was also reading in mythology. Jungian psychology, feminism, Buddhism, and some of the work of theologian Paul Tillich. So, that broke open my old Mormon ways of thinking and feeling. Then, one day, I spontaneously did an active imagination exercise that culminated in my throwing Elohim (from the Mormon temple endowment) off his throne into a bottomless chasm that lay just behind it and walking away. It wasn't planned. It just came out of the exercise, which I started while listening to Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" of all things. That song still triggers the memory of it.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 09/10/2011 05:17PM by robertb.

Thanks for sharing that, Robertb. Sometimes when I mention things like that I worry that people will think I'm a bit off.

The way I see it thought, myth, symbolism, and ceremony are part of what make the human mind tick. We can do our best to throw that all away when we don't believe in the church anymore, but sometimes it works better to let those ideas help. It's very interesting what can happen when the cart isn't in front of the horse anymore, and someone is aware of what they're doing.

vasalissasdoll Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thanks for sharing that, Robertb. Sometimes when
> I mention things like that I worry that people
> will think I'm a bit off.

I, too, have been suppressing those aspects of myself I used to enjoy and could be helpful, partly out of worry of what others would think and partly out of wanting to make myself understandable to both others and to myself. Lately, though, I've felt the cost to me is too great in depression and in loss of feeling alive. I'm also in a different place in which I can better hold the images and emotions they bring up.

>
> The way I see it thought, myth, symbolism, and
> ceremony are part of what make the human mind
> tick. We can do our best to throw that all away
> when we don't believe in the church anymore, but
> sometimes it works better to let those ideas help.
> It's very interesting what can happen when the
> cart isn't in front of the horse anymore, and
> someone is aware of what they're doing.

I agree. Love what you are saying about letting those things help and putting the cart and the horse in their proper relationship.

I'm sick of being ashamed of myself without a good reason.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/10/2011 05:12PM by robertb.

When I was TBM, I tried for almost 20 years to get a temple divorce from a horrible wife-beater. Looking into the stupid reasons why I couldn't get a temple divorce, when my monster of an ex was able to get married in the temple three times, led me to discover the truth.

One day it dawned on me, that the Mormon priesthood had no real authority from God! Mormon men can not tell God what to do. I, as an autonomous human being, had more "authority" over my self and my life. I carefully wrote a temple divorce ceremony, using the same wording as in my marriage ceremony, but tweaking things a bit. I also used something the temple president had said when he married us: "Should one spouse abuse another spouse, this marriage is null and void, in the sight of God." This sentence had been buried in all that threatening that if we didn't obey the cult, we would lose our temple blessings.

I had three cousins and two friends help me--all were ex-Mormons. We wore real temple clothes, and I made an altar out of my coffee table. My cousin acted as the "officiator" and I was myself, and my friend was proxy for _______ (my non-Mormon boyfriend who was killed in a car accident in high school). The officiator granted me my temple divorce, in accordance to civil divorce granted to me in the state of_________on date________ on the grounds of extreme physical cruelty, which went uncontested. Then, the officiator married me to my deceased high school boyfriend. The reason we did this, is that the Mormon church officials told me that my marriage could never be canceled, unless I had some other temple Mormon man to marry immediately afterwards. We also did a proxy sealing of my children to me. The Mormons claimed that my children (born years later, fathered by my second husband) would forever be sealed to my abusive temple ex-husband. I was particularly glad to straighten that out!

It didn't matter--we had just as much authority in my living room as the Mormon priesthood did in the temple. My dog participated, too, but she didn't like the veil. I read brief exerpts from Wordsworth, Robert Frost, and the Bible, which applied to my feelings about life, love, God, and justice. It took about 10-15 minutes--as long as the Mormon wedding ceremony.

My kids and the rest of the guests came for pizza and football-watching afterwards, and most thought it was just a regular ol'pizza party. I'm sure some people would have thought the ceremony was weird.

I really felt better! Ever since, I've felt completely separated from that entire temple nightmare--null and void!

Another ceremony was meaningful, because it was so non-ceremonial, so mundane. It was garbage day, and I was throwing out a garbage bag with banana peels, coffee grounds, and cat litter, and I had the sudden impulse to throw all my garments in there, too. I made a cup of coffee (no cup has ever tasted that good) and waited by the window, to watch the garbage truck pick it up. Oh, happy day!

Months later, I performed a special ritual to get rid of curses people have put on you, such as Mormon threats. I don't remember the chant, and it is a visualization, done with a black candles, at midnight, with the waning moon. It took about an hour. After the candle goes out, you bury it. When I was purchasing the black candle at the party store, I ran into my former Bishop, of all people! He asked me what the black candle was for. I said it was for a friend's fortieth birthday party. This was the bishop who had an affair with our neighbor's daughter, when her parents were away on a mission. This is weirder than buying a black candle, right?

Make your rituals more powerful than their rituals! It can be fun!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/10/2011 06:18PM by forestpal.