Some of you will remember the topic I posted up about my unfortunate dealings with a relationship with my ex boyfriend. While we were both in the wrong on several occasions, my heart was torn between the dang church's teachings and going with what I felt inside--as corny as that sounds. Dear members of this site gave me good opinions about whether or not it was a good idea to send my ex a letter, who is now on a mission and has no clue I am no longer of the church.

We had something special, but overly clinginess on his part and fear and uncertainty on mine did not end well. Before he left we were on FaceBook message talking terms, just enough to exchange good byes before he left for the MTC.

Now that my mind is clear after having left the church, I see more and more of how and why things went as wrong as they did. So, I decided to write him the letter. Three times later I had something that was friendly, apologetic of past things I needed to apologize for, encouraging of what he believed in, and was just the cheery person I am generally known as.

But I have not mentioned leaving the church. Should I? He lives very, very far from me and I would not be able to confront him in person to talk things over. Maybe, when he gets back, he'll message me and we can decide on a phone chat. But I'm not even sure of that. He will be going home to another girl. Well, that's still just under two years to mull over.

But I have this letter that sits here, waiting for one last thought. I know my ex well--if I tell him I left the church when he gets back, he'll be upset that I didn't tell him sooner. But that's not the kind of news one wants to hear on their mission, I believe. I didn't even tell him that my father passed away just a month ago. I know he'll pout about me not telling him that either. But that's ....different.

So. I wouldn't mind some opinions from you lovely folk once again. Should I wait until I can tell him via phone, or send it to him in writing? Right now, I'm torn between the two. We had so much that, even though our parting was hurtful on both sides and he now has another girl, we are still friends. At the least, acquaintances.

It does him no favors not telling him about real life. Hearing only positive faith promoting distortions of life on a mission is part of the problem for many having to face up to how life isn't really like that. It will make real life harder to manage when they get back. You should tell him anything you would normally tell him. It's not a delicate situation. He's on a mission not in a psyche ward.

As a "near-miss"-ionary, this post called to me. This is a difficult thread to premiere in without having a posting history. I dont yet have an "Out" story posted; let me say that I no longer believe in TSCC or other fairytales after being raised there and accidentally developing an identity...
 This post might seem insensitive; but I do not mean it to be so. This deals with both matters of faith and matters of the heart. In such a context it will be difficult in mere text to convey meaning with a gentle hand. Here goes:
As much as the things you have discovered and felt have helped you, I would think very hard before sending him the news. His identity is entangled in his beliefs and telling him how you have changed may simply crystallize his current position, i.e. he will spend two years trying to convert you when he may better benefit by spending the time finding his own position. I'm trying to be delicate, so let me say that the letter you want to send is FOR YOU, not for him; it is designed to meet your needs and ignores the context he expects to participate in. It is somewhat of an emotional "Dear John" and will be taken as such. If your relationship has fizzled to the Facebook acquaintanceship you describe, it might be best to let it fade rather than let good intentions further complicate things. On some level it is as if you need to put yourself and your new perspective back in the hierarchy it once had in his world, ignoring the natural decline it has undergone. My apologies if that hits hard, it is not meant to hurt you, dear sister deconvert. If he undergoes the "faith-promoting" experiences many missionaries as posted on RfM do, it is better he examines your findings of his own volition, with a fresh eye, and you may be the one to bring him the truth. Making him deal with it now will only get you dismissed off-hand and serve only your need to disclose. A previous response argued for an active approach and made anything less seem to be "coddling" and I would generally agree, but right now the situation calls for tact and reserve: he is "at war" and you will only close yourself off from him by disclosing.
That said: Is the backlight of this post that you intend to engage in a full-on letter-writing relationship with him after months of almost no contact? If that is the case, I can understand being uncomfortable with holding your news back, and only hope that you dont plan on putting either of yourselves in that situation, i.e. "let well enough alone". Always ask yourself WHO you are doing something for, WHOSE needs are being met. If the answer is complicated, you are often deceiving yourself.

Both of you have good opinions. Thank you for taking the time to type your thoughts to me.

Dear Muaddib,

I'm an adult--young adult but still adult--and I appreciate your need to not want to sound harsh, but I can handle it. I've never been through something like this before, and I would rather not make things worse. What you have said makes a lot of sense, and you had the perspective I needed to put this situation in a new light.

While it hurts to leave things without an apology...sending him a letter now wouldn't do anything to make things better. You are right and I realize it now--this letter, though constructed to support him, the plea of 'I'm sorry' is for myself. My guilt for over what happened wants a release. But I don't think, at least now, this is the way to do it.

I do believe I will leave well enough alone and move onward with my life instead of letting this shadow me. When he gets back, if he contacts me and wants to talk or anything and discovers things on his own, that may be for the better. I need to stop chasing after him and get on with life and let him go on with his.

Thank you for helping me see that.

And although Muaddib is more tactful than I am, he is spot on. In fact, it is wise advice for daily life and I stuck a little note on my computer to ask "for who?"

I have one thing to add, which I learned from reading Raptor Jesus' book and other revealing missionary experiences. The missionaries are trained to frame the events of their mission as incidents in a war- the war between God and Satan. Your letter would undoubtedly be viewed in this tilted paradigm as an arrow from Satan, meant to distract him from his thoughts about the scriptures to thoughts about you and what could have been.

And BTW, the psyche ward has more freedom than the missionaries. At least the crazies can be alone.


Anagrammy

Dear Annagrammy,

Thank you very much. And you are very much right. After sitting on this decision for a few days, it feels right and I know it's the right thing to do. I really can see him reading my letter and thinking it as flaming arrow from Satan. Who knows what he would write back to me...I don't want to find out.

I'm going to move on with my life. If he's interested in talking when he gets back, that'll be up to him. Again, thank you for your input! =)

I am glad you found a way to resolve your feelings while respecting all stakeholders. Sometimes it feels like I got to the wizard only to find I had a "liahona" the entire time. It good to bounce things sometimes.

Don't send it.

He has moved on but it sounds as though you haven't.
He has another girl, leave him alone.