My family is tbm. I promised myself that as long as they didn't bear their testimonies to me, I wouldn't bear my newfound testimony to them. My sister just sent me this email.


"I’ve been doing a lot of evaluating and thinking about my life lately. I’ve realized that there are a lot of things that I need to change or work on. I know I haven’t always been the best sister…and that’s putting it lightly. I haven’t been a very good family member at all and this is one of my greatest regrets of all. I’ve been thinking about what really matters most to me in life and it is my family. I wanted to apologize for being a butt head of a sister. My family means so much to me and I love all of you more than I can express. I respect and look up to you a lot, I always have. I love your children so much and would do anything for them. I know you’ve had a lot of crap to deal with lately. I can’t imagine how hard everything must be. It breaks my heart to know you’re struggling especially since I don’t know what I can do to help. Everyday I pray that things will get better for you, that things will work out, especially with (your husband) finding a job, your daughter healing, ways to pay for hospital bills etc. I’ve always seen you as such a strong person. I have always looked up to you. I know you’ll make it through all of this craziness and you’ll be stronger for it. I have struggled a lot too and sometimes I’ve wondered how I would get through certain things (granted I have not yet had to experience anything as hard as you’re going through), but somehow it has all worked out. I don’t know how or why because a lot of the time I haven’t felt like I’ve even deserved things to work out for me. But I know I never did it alone. You’re strong, but you don’t have to do it by yourself either. I hope you know that you’re whole family is here to help you anytime you need it. We will always be there for you. We were never meant to be alone, we were put here to help each other. I know you may not believe this, but I believe and know with all of my heart that God is there to help as well. I have felt the love of my savior comforting me when I thought I wasn’t worth loving. He has carried me through things I couldn’t get through on my own. He is constantly showing me glimpses of the person He knows I can become when I start to lose sight of my eternal worth. I am grateful everyday for this knowledge that I have and for the gift of the Holy Ghost which allows me to be guided and to truly feel the spirit touch my life. I know that sometimes it might feel like He’s not there for us, or that he’s not answering our prayers because things are happening that we just can’t understand. And I know this breaks His heart to have us doubt Him because nobody can love us more perfectly than He does. And when I feel this way I just try to remember that I don’t have a perfect view, or even close to the whole picture. He knows what we need, He knows what we can handle, He knows what we can become, and He will do everything He can to help us reach that potential. God see’s a very amazing person when He looks at you, and so do I. Please do not try to carry everything by yourself. A little faith can go a long way. I have faith in you and your ability to get through this. I love you :) ha and that’s a completely true statement, as cheesy as it is. "

I want to respond and tell her what I believe without sounding angry or resentful. A lot of bad things have happened since I came out with my decision to leave the church. I'm sure they're saying "we told her so" and basking in the blessings of a loving heavenly father while I suffer in sin. I don't view these things that have happened as bad. I'm very happy with my situation, but I don't know how to get that across. Any input you have would be helpful!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/10/2011 05:20PM by cakey.

All you have to say is thank you and I love you, too. I'm so grateful to have a family like all of you.

There is no point in telling her anything. She's right, you are strong. You will get through this and your survival and eventual triumph will speak volumes more about your philosophy and beliefs than anything you could say today.

When I went through my big change, it took three years for my family to notice there was something really different about mom. I asked them later what would have happened if I had announced to them that I was no longer a member of the Christian church, and that I had a spiritual experience which lead me away from organized religion. Every single one (6 of them) said they wouldn't have believed me.

I see that you are calm and confident, which means you can hear the beliefs of others without feeling it necessary to defend you own. That is huge, if you can do it. If not, that point may lie in the future for you. Either way, you at least own your own life and are not waiting for some "spirit" to appear/not appear to give you guidance.

Anagrammy

Your sister is using the language of religion, but the basic message behind it is that she loves you and hopes that things work out for the best for you. That's the message that I would take away from it.

The best response would be something along the lines of, "thank you for thinking of me, and I love you, too."

That's one of my biggest problems with the whole mormon thing. I finally feel like I'm myself. That I'm in charge of my life. That the good things I accomplish are mine and not god's. The bad things are mine and not satan's. She's going on a mission soon, and I hate to think of her running into problems and getting depressed because she is too weak. That when she does something well, it wasn't her. It was god blessing her because she is doing his will. It really does a number on self worth, while preaching the contrary. I don't want her to go! I feel like she's only going because of my decision. She wasn't going to before this whole thing went down, and I'll feel responsible when she goes. Blah. I know I can't force her not to believe just like she can't force me.

You left a Satan run cult, not Jesus Christ. Tell her you read the Bible-the King's James Version, that is, and you have not lost your faith in the Lord; you FOUND YOURSELF IN CHRISTIANITY!!!

One thing which really stands out to me is the constant theme of, "I'm not good enough." Before I even discovered the truth - that it was all a fraud - I'd left because I realized that in the 30+ years I'd been a member of the Church, I never felt very good about myself.

I swear my self-esteem began to heal the moment I left the Church.

I recently told a TBM friend that, knowing that it would send a little cog dis her way. To tell a member that your self-esteem began to heal as soon as you left is very confusing to them.

Anyway, I agree with anagrammy. This may call for a simple, "I love you too."

If you wanted to, you could just mention that it's sad that she feels of low worth, but maybe getting into a debate might not be a good idea.

Tell her although you have had trials since you left the church, your self worth and confidence and ability to cope with those things has gotten so much better. And also what apangel said :)

I don't see anywhere that she asked you a question as to what you believed or asked you to respond. She was only trying to tell you what she believes and feels. And although she is probably trying to win you back in the fold, let it go. Don't respond!!!

Nothing you say or do will be producive in your relationship.

However if you feel compelled to respond follow Anagramy's advise.

Of course she didn't ask for it, I didn't ask for her's either. I have to say something. I'll probably just say that I'm happy with my life, so she really doesn't need to stress about it, and thanks for her thoughts. But damn it, I want to deconvert someone! :) maybe later.

I have recently realized that no matter what damning factual evidence of TSCC I throw at my mormon family and friends, the only thing they have positively responded to is anything I say from my heart.

Everything they base their testimony on is because they FEEL it. So if you want to really get through to her you have to say something that she can relate to and that is through your FEELINGS.

I would suggest you write her a letter and pour your heart out to her and tell her how happy you are without the church. Just be completely honest with her, without being rude or offensive. Believe me, I have messed things up a little with my family and best friend by telling them facts that I thought would make them change their mind about the church in an instant. But they don't care about the facts. It only made them defensive and put a wedge between us. You could add that you've done your own research and have come to the conclusion that you know without a shadow of a doubt that the LDS church is not true and that might open a door, in return, for her to ask you questions about what you've uncovered.

But I know what you mean about wanting to "deconvert" someone cause I would absolutely LOVE to deconvert my whole family!

You are sooo right about where "I don't feel like I deserve things to work out for me" type thinking can lead. I had these feelings often on my mission. When things were'nt going well I would agonize over what I or my companion was doing, or not doing, that was keeping the lard from blessing us with success (I laugh now at what a super douche I was about the gospel). Now might not be the time to bear your testimony back at her but that kind of thinking should be challenged, if ever so gently. Assuring her of your current well being, as other posters have said, could be helpful.

Just let her know that you love her and will be there for her.

It sounds to me, and this is just my take, that your sister really is sincere about looking up to you, caring about you, and loving you very much.

I think she expressed it the best she could, within her frame of reference, which is "Mormonspeak".

Like a previous poster said, I think the best response is just to say, "Thanks, sis, and BTW, I love you too!"

JMHO.

and you were the one that sent this exact same later to your sister. How would she take it? Wouldn't it come across condescending? Preachy? Like maybe "I'm the one talking with God and I need to inform you of what He's thinkin'.

I get well-intentioned but misguided attempts like this directed at me on a regular basis and I'm alwasy struck by the arrogance of it. Not even a hint of humility when a person presumes to speak for god.

Well, I find it a little irritating too, but I just have to keep telling myself that they really are doing what they think is right, however twisted it may be. I know her intentions are good. So this was my reply.

"Well little sis, thank you for your thoughts and prayers and love. I know it looks like we're suffering, to the outsider, but we are quite happy with our lives and with the way things are going. I've never been much of a faith person, but I have more faith now than I've had in my entire life. I have found faith in myself. I am taking control of my life instead of waiting for permission or promptings that never come, from god. I see a very amazing person in me too, for once. I see potential that I was blind to before. Going to church every Sunday, being reminded that I'm just not good enough, did a number on my soul. And now I'm free from that torment, my soul is light, and I feel the whole world has opened up to me. Yes, my house is gone, my money is gone, we are selling everything we own, we are living in a miniscule apartment, and I am happy. I can only see opportunities. Don't stop the thoughts and prayers for us, we are glad we have a family that cares.
You are absolutely always worth loving, I hope you never forget that. I know this will probably make you more firm in your decsision to serve a mission, but I would regret not telling you how I feel. Don't go! I don't want to be confrontational, just want you to know that you don't have to go to be a-ok in my book. That's all! Love you too. :)"

I wanted to get three things across, that I'm happy, that she's worth more than she thinks, and I wanted her to know that there is at least one person who's good opinion of her does not rely on 18 months of religious servitude. Hopefully this wasn't enough to shut down communication, I don't think it was but we'll see!

I know you may not believe this, but I believe and know with all of my heart that God is there to help as well.

(So I think I'll just jump right in to telling YOU what I believe because what YOU believe is wrong, and therefore irrelevent, so we don't even need to discuss it.)

I have felt the love of my savior comforting me when I thought I wasn’t worth loving. He has carried me through things I couldn’t get through on my own. He is constantly showing me glimpses of the person He knows I can become when I start to lose sight of my eternal worth.

(Meaning: I mean Glimpses of the hellion YOU can become if YOU don't start paying attention to what I'M telling you!)


I am grateful everyday for this knowledge that I have and for the gift of the Holy Ghost which allows me to be guided and to truly feel the spirit touch my life.

(My particular spiritual beliefs are the correct ones and yours are just wrong. There is no spiritual guidance for hellions such as yourself unless you start believing what I believe.)

I know that sometimes it might feel like He’s not there for us, or that he’s not answering our prayers because things are happening that we just can’t understand.

(Frankly, I haven't got a friggin' clue either but when I tell YOU that I do I feel better about myself!)

And I know this breaks His heart to have us doubt Him because nobody can love us more perfectly than He does.

(God can't tell you himself that his heart is broken so He asked me to do it for Him.)

And when I feel this way I just try to remember that I don’t have a perfect view, or even close to the whole picture.

(OK, the truth is I don't know crap about anything, but by saying I don't have a "perfect view" I am also implying that I know SOMETHING which is more than you, which means I get to continue preaching to you and feeling better about myself!)

He knows what we need, He knows what we can handle, He knows what we can become, and He will do everything He can to help us reach that potential.

(And its soooooo COOL that I, with my direct link to god, am in the position of informing you what god has to say!!! I feel so, so, SUPERIOR! gotta dance!)

God see’s a very amazing person when He looks at you, and so do I.

(Wait a second while I pat you on the head, you cute little bug you! Can I pinch your cheeks too!)

Please do not try to carry everything by yourself. A little faith can go a long way. I have faith in you and your ability to get through this.

(Now be good you little rascal you! I know you can do it!)

I love you :) ha and that’s a completely true statement, as cheesy as it is.

I think she DOES love you. But she doesn't respect you or your beliefs. If she did she would be asking you for specifics as to what you believe and why you believe. Instead she spent most of the letter preaching. When she gets out of preach mode, and start moving in to listen mode then you'll know she's starting to respect you.