By way of a short background - was a convert to the church at age 11. Was TBM for 30 years, served mission, married in temple yada yada yada. Left ex husband and church (unrelated choices) 7 years ago . Currently single.

Here's the thing. I'm struggling to forget, and let go of, a failed relationship. The short version being the man I fell in love with doesn't feel the same and there is no future for us.

I'm an intelligent woman and yet I am struggling to understand why I can't get over him. On one level I know there is nothing there for him and I and yet, on the other hand, I can't seem to move on. Feels like my world has fallen apart.

In trying to think this through over the last few months I hadn't considered that any remaining internal mormon programming may be part of the difficulty disconnecting from and letting go of him emotionally (we are not in contact). But now I'm wondering about it.

For so many years the church demanded total dedication and devotion, which i freely and willingly gave. I believe that in the church we were conditioned to love the church and others, without considering our needs. Do you think that is why I opened my heart to this man so much and loved him so unreservedly, and now i just can't reign it in?

Or am i just suffering a regular size broken heart, which time will heal?

Would really appreciate your views.

Thanks for listening.

Just because you've been so involved in the Mormon life and had to go through a kind of morning process. Another loss might be difficult.

I wonder if instead of feeling broken hearted, you could tell yourself how much you've learned by leaving Mormonism behind. Now you face another loss, you can have confidence in yourself. You know you will be strong. Who else knows you better than YOU? Who else will love you as much as YOU?

I'm a nevermo and the same thing happened to me many years ago. In my case it took about a year of absolutely no contact whatsoever to get over the man in question.

With the benefit of hindsight, I think that falling for this particular guy as hard as I did was my way of avoiding a committed relationship altogether. I fell for someone who was emotionally unavailable for me, and this in turn kept my heart occupied and unavailable for someone else.

I also think that unconsciously, I set it up as a self-esteem issue. The guy didn't fall for me, therefore, there must have been something wrong with me. Of course, I failed to see the opposite -- that the "fault," if any, may very well have lain with him.

Many years later I had enough emotional strength and distance from the situation to realize with certainty that he wouldn't have been a good match for me after all.

You deserve a man who will be your very best friend. Your best friend won't run away from you. This guy, no matter how perfect he looks on the surface, isn't it.

I feel for you. I know that it's hard. However you do deserve better than this.

me too.
Let's chat (?)
manderst@yahoo.com

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God Is Love !

I think being a MORmON accentuates & exascerbates painful emotions & even agonizing longings. LDS somberly preach the insane unreasonable superlative of eternal relationship while everything in Mortality is really pretty temporary.
they tell ppl that they have a duty to help out god, which isnt even possible and make ppl feel guilty enough that if forces them into temple attending action.
its LDS Inc's job to keep ppl on edge to keep them paying offering money. Its cruel. Its criminal. and yes they probably added to your sense of agony.

My mom used to get sick if she heard some couple was getting divorced, NO DOUBT due to the MORmON sentiment that had been drummed into her from youth. I found myself doing the same thing as an adult. It was utter folly. then I got divorced, myself and it was a GOOD thing, an improvement in my life.
that showed me just how foolish, unfounded, & silly MORmoN thinking really is. but the additional emotional pain that being a MORmON can elicit / cause is certainly real.



best wishes.

Everyone who offered advice has been so insightful. I've never been Mormon but I can attest to being a bit obsessive at times. Often, when you give up one obsession, your brain latches onto another. Fortunately you can learn to consistently redirect your mind to a more positive place. I personally don't believe "time heals all wounds". I think we sometimes learn to live with the pain so it feels less intrusive but in times of extreme emotional duress we have to put the effort in to heal.

Best wishes to you....you recognize the issue and that's certainly the first step.

Getting over a long term relationship is a process not an event. It may take years. Some things can help accelerate the process..

Find another man! Fall in love again! Head over heals!

Kick your heels up girl and get back in the saddle!

Good luck!

Mormons are conditioned to believe in "eternal love" and to "never give up" on a disinterested person.

Nice sentiments, but unless there is a mutual spark between two people and BOTH of them decide to build a relationship together, it can't be done.

Most of us come across more than one person who would have made a good mate.

Focussing on a love object who does not return the feelings is a certain cause of grief. It is also a waste of time and energy.

Why try to be with someone who does not want to be with you?

Neither the Mormon church nor some of its members seem to get it through their heads that you can't make someone love you. Hence the typical stalking behavior exhibited by both.

Thank you so much for your replies, means a great deal to me that you took the time. Not sure I've ever felt so fragile before and your comments have helped.

I guess back in the old days I would have prayed this pain away. In some ways I wish I could do that now. But on the other hand I think praying was also a way to relinquish responsibility.

Guess I'll just have to grin and bear it until i get over him.

Thank you again.

Hello, I read your of your experience with interest. I too have been through a break up- my partner, he left me after 14 years-it has been a year since the break up and it is still painful. There was no third party as far as I'm aware and no big real reason for the break up- he just wanted me to leave.I am not a mormon or religious- therefore, you would probably have been left with a broken heart even if you were not a mormon. How do you switch off real love? You can't you just have to live with it- As for the comment fall in love again- how when one is already in love? We can't chose who we fall in love with- it's luck in the end. I hope you get through it in time and that you will look back on this unhappy time with indifference.

who broke up with who? did you end the relationship? did he end the relationship? do you talk to him at all? let him know how you feel. who knows.

if it helps...btw...my sister was literally crying every day and night for 5 years when she broke up with her boyfriend. she was on therapy and the whole thing. that took her another 3 years to completely heal. so..8 years total of her being a total wreck.

on the other hand, when my wife said she wanted a divorce because she preferred her mormon traditions over me, i was down for about 2 weeks max. i cried twice. i was completely at the other end of the spectrum. it may sound cold hearted but that's the way **i** felt.


my point is that the way you react to this situation may not be related to mormonism at all. that's the way you respond to those type of changes. that's who you are. everybody is different. for some people healing takes almost a decade. for some people is only a couple of weeks. the most important thing is to pay attention to how **you** feel.

read tolle's book "power of now". it has amazing recipes on how to deal with pain like that.

cheer up. feel free to reply. we are here to help.

You don't get over something like this.

You get through it and emerge stronger on the other side. The pain will pass, but the memory of it will be there. There for you to use to keep yourself from making mistakes, or maybe to help another person who's in pain.

If your life is a glass of water, the one teaspoon of salt will make it unuseable. If your life is a lake of water, the one teaspoon quickly vanishes.

It's not so much the amount of suffering, rather the dimension of the vessel.

This is good news because you can immediately broaden your life and hasten your healing. Start dating yourself, start getting to know yourself better. Read Tolle and also I love "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. It is a highly successful book originally written to help blocked artists and used to enrich lives by celebrities and the rest of us. It worked for me and I was in quite the pit.

Humor also helps A LOT. Make yourself laugh once a day- watch standup comedy on TV, check out Awkward Photos or Seen AT Walmart-- do not underestimate the power of humor to keep the proper perspective.

And finally, I always told myself the pain is a good sign in that it means that in spite of everything you've been through, you still made a commitment and had a deep bond. Not everybody can love like that and there are people who would pay good money to be able to love like you do.

All the better for the next lucky guy....

Anagrammy

Especially a breakup or a divorce.

You have been brainwashed to believe that you are nothing without a spouse! Your eternal salvation depends on marrying (in the Mormon temple). The major purpose of your life is to have children (more members for the cult.) The main reason you are moral/successful/beautiful is to attract a moral/successful/beautiful mate.

Since your whole existence depends on finding a mate, when you fail--yikes--your whole life is over!

I was devastated for many years over my divorce.

I did not mourn because I missed my ex-husband. In fact, the moment he said he did not want me, and did not want our children, and did not want a family--I immediately stopped loving him. I never wanted him back. Who wants do be married to someone who doesn't love you? Who thinks it is OK to abandon your own children?

What I did mourn was my loss of lifestyle. I could no longer be a housewife, no longer feel loved, cared-for, supported. My children and I suddenly lost our security. I had to move, I had to live life on a poverty level, until I got on my feet. I had to be a "career woman." I had to deal with loneliness.

TSCC added to my sorrow. Single people are looked down upon. Being single is a temporary state, that must quickly be cured, like a disease. Single-ness might be contagious. A single person might convince someone else to leave their spouse--or, worse--might steal someone else's spouse. A single person is going to a lesser heaven.

Leaving the cult helped me realize that there is a life outside of marriage! In the workday world, we are not judged by who we are married to. Our marital status has nothing to do with our job, or who we laugh with at lunchtime, or how well we ski on the weekends. A human being is a human being. One, and complete.

Live your life! I love anagrammy's little saying about becoming a larger vessel. Explore. Forget about finding someone new--that is too much pressure to put on yourself right now. Hang out with old friends, get to know yourself better, make peace with nature and the world. Yeah, life sucks, sometimes, and most of us have lived to tell the tale.